Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Five Years


Five years ago, I hit send on an email to Steve. It wasn't easy. It had taken me a year to decide whether or not to bring up the idea, another week to actually write it, and then several beers to work up the courage to send it.

I knew that email was going to be a turning point. What happened next would be determined by Steve's reaction. Either he would think I was nuts and ignore the email, in which case I'd have to decide whether or not I was willing to continue in our marriage the way it was. Or he would see the email for what it truly was, a desperate cry for help in fixing things, and be willing to join me in trying to fix things, with or without my unusual solution for doing so.

I couldn't bring myself to stay in the room while he read it. To be honest, I ran off and hid in the shower in the master bath. I stayed in there long after I was clean, the hot water had ran out, and I had heard our bedroom door open. I thought it took a lot of courage to send that email, but it was nothing compared to what it took to walk out of that bathroom to see Steve's reaction to it.

Thankfully, he didn't think I was nuts and was willing to give it a try if it meant fixing our marriage. Five years later, we're still going. A lot has happened over these past five years. Some things have had us jumping in joy. Others have broken our hearts. But we've weathered it, both good and bad, together.

DD owes a lot of credit for that. While it seemed like a crazy idea at the time, it's worked for us. We learned how to talk to each other and listen. We started making time for each other and showing appreciation for the little things. We began to identify behaviors that were destructive to our relationship and take steps to get away from them.

It didn't change things overnight. It took time. Sometimes we'd stumble and we'd need a little help from each other, sometimes you guys as well, to find our way back. There were times when we had things in such a mess that we had to backtrack to figure out exactly where we went wrong so we could fix it. Occasionally, I'd veer off and blaze my own trail (not necessarily a good one), but Steve always came to find me. It wasn't always easy, but we stayed committed to it, and more importantly we stayed committed to each other and improving our marriage.

It's been a heck of a journey so far, but from where I'm standing, I think we can call it a successful one. I can't wait to see what the next five years brings.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Such a Lovely Place

Several years ago, I found myself in a place that I'd only heard about in whispers. It was a wonderful place. I was so relaxed my entire body from head to toe felt like jelly and I was flying on a cloud of pleasure and warmth. It was almost like an out of body experience. At the time, I was too busy enjoying the experience to analyze it, but later, I remember thinking "This must be subspace. No wonder it's spoken of in such awe."

To my dismay, I couldn't find my way back to that wonderful place. The harder I tried, the further away it seemed. Finally, I gave up, figuring it was one of those once in a lifetime experiences. Over time, it became a distant memory.

The other night Steve and I were snuggled up in bed watching TV. As sometimes happens, one thing led to another. Several orgasms later, I was laying there catching my breath when it occurred to me that I wanted more. It came as a surprise since depression and grief has had my sex drive pretty low these past few months. But it was an overwhelming urge. I wanted more and I wanted it now!

Steve was easily convinced to go for another round. The moment he entered me, an orgasm hit. It continued as he began to move and then another started, overlapping it. Then another. And another. It was like one never-ending orgasm.

I was so focused on the orgasms that it took me a minute to realize that floaty sensation creeping in. By the time he reached his own orgasm, I was flying. I savored every minute of my visit to subspace. Later when I had returned to Earth, I was so relaxed even my bones felt like they were made of jelly. I was also exhausted so I curled up right again Steve and went to sleep.

Now that I know it's possible to return to that lovely place, I want to do it again and again. I just hope it doesn't take several more years to do it.