I don't want to be one of those bloggers that just up and disappears, but these days I find it hard to put into words what's going on and where my head is at. So I'm going to take advantage of this being a day where I have some words to do a quick update.
I continue to heal physically and emotionally. I have to admit I sometimes get frustrated at how slowly I'm healing. Even though it's been a little over three months, I still have quite a bit of pain and fatigue. I'm also still fighting the cold that started shortly after I got out of the hospital. Even though I told the doctor that I'm prone to upper respiratory infections and was worried it was heading into bronchitis, she refused to give me anything for it so I've been taking over the counter cold medicine and hoping for the best. At least the Nyquil knocks me out so I can sleep. Otherwise, I'm awake for days until I'm exhausted enough that I can sleep.
Emotionally, I still have my ups and downs. Some days are okay; others not so much. Christmas was really hard. Then this week I had a bad day that resulted in a total meltdown. To make a long story short, I got in an argument with Steve, spent some time driving around in my car screaming at the top of my lungs and then returned home to drown him in tears. Thankfully, he understands that it's the grief talking and I'm not myself right now.
I started counseling last month. It has its own ups and downs. I like the freedom of being able to say whatever I want without worrying that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or stir up their own feelings of grief. Some sessions are really rough though. I had one recently where I was so wrung out emotionally that I came home and went straight to bed. I just couldn't deal with anything else that day.
I was able to find an online grief support group. They have a few chats daily, mostly in the evenings. I've attended a couple so far and found it helpful. I was also surprised to find that there is a Facebook group for women who have had my particular complication (which is a rare one). While not all of the women in the group lost their babies due to it, it's nice to be able to talk to others that have dealt with it, especially when I have questions about the recovery process.
Steve's still enjoying his new job, although he hates the on-call aspect of it. There's been a couple days when he's got a call right after arriving home and he's had to turn around and go right back out. And of the course the middle of the night calls suck as well. Thankfully, it's a rotating schedule so he's only on call two weeks out of the month. The second week isn't as bad because he's not the main on-call person, just the backup.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
The past couple weeks have been rough. First, there was Thanksgiving, the first major family holiday since losing my baby. I should have been showing her off to everyone. Instead, I had people hovering over me to make sure I didn't overdo it (I'm still recovering physically) and asking how I was. To make things worse, I did end up overdoing it a bit and my incision, which had been healing perfectly, started giving me issues. I thought I was going to have to go back to the doctor, but thankfully it settled down, although it's still tender.
Then this week I thought I was finally ready to go through the baby's bag of stuff from the hospital (paperwork, footprints, hat and booties, hospital bracelet, etc). Even though I bought a decorative box to put everything in several weeks ago, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it so the bag has been sitting on my counter since the day I came home from the hospital. I completely overestimated my readiness. I did manage to finish the task, but I was a total wreck by the time it was done.
My physical recovery has been slow. I'm still pretty sore and have to be very careful about how I move or I'm in pain. I'm still dealing with a lot of fatigue, which isn't helped by the fact I have trouble sleeping and don't rest well when I do sleep. I find myself getting frustrated sometimes because I still need help and can't do everything I want to be doing.
On a good note, I found out a couple days ago that the organization I mentioned a while back now has enough funding to provide services for me. They assigned me a support person and are setting up appointments for counseling, massage therapy and a cleaning service now. If you donated to help make this possible, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's such a relief to know that I'll be able to get the help I need to make it through this.
After some debate, I decided to go back to college and finish out my degree. I had only two classes left when I took time off to focus on my pregnancy and the baby. I wasn't sure I would be able to focus with how I feel right now, but everyone keeps telling me I need something to keep my mind off things so I went ahead and registered for the coming spring semester. If everything goes well, I'll be graduating in May.
Steve seems to be enjoying his new job. The first week or so was rough because it's very physical work, but now that his body is starting to get used to it, he's doing better. From what he's told me, his coworkers are pretty good. One in particular has taken him under his wing and has been offering him tips on how to make the job a little easier.
The pay and benefits are nice too, although he has to be there 90 days before some of the benefits (like health insurance) kick in. Thankfully, we were able to get approved for Medicaid while he was out of work so we have that in the meantime. I was especially grateful for it when I got the statement from the hospital and saw that it had covered the nearly $35,000 bill for my emergency surgery and hospital stay.