Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Anybody Still Here?

Not sure if anyone is still looking for posts here after such a long absence, but I thought I'd poke my head out and say hi. It's been a bit crazy around here.

I've had my hands full dealing with my mom. She's not in the best of health to begin with, but shortly after my last post, she started experiencing some new symptoms so I fussed at her until she went to her doctor. The doctor thought it was a minor issue that would resolve itself. It wasn't.

It turned out to be a major issue requiring surgery. Then she developed multiple complications after the surgery. It's taken months of hospital stays, doctor visits and physical therapy to get her well enough she could finally return home to finish her recovery. She's doing better now, but we're looking into finding her a place nearby so I can keep an eye on her.

It's been hugely stressful, especially since I was already dealing with issues with anxiety. Needless to say, being under all that stress for a prolonged period of time made my anxiety a lot worse. I was so focused on everything that was going on with my mom that I failed to pay attention to what was going on with me. I came close to having a nervous breakdown and did end up getting sick enough to require a visit to the doctor.

Now that the crisis has passed, we're working on getting back to normal. Of course, that means dusting DD off and trying to find our rhythm again. That hasn't been without a few challenges. For starters, dealing with my mom meant stepping outside my usual role. I got used to being in charge and making decisions with little or no input from anybody else. Even though there were days I longed for someone else to take over, I'm finding it a little difficult to let go of the reins.  Two, I'm also struggling to regain my emotional balance after months of stress and anxiety. There have been a few blowups.

Steve's brought back our weekly check-ins. He's also came up with some fun ways to remind me who the boss is. I'm not going to lie. I'm enjoying being reminded.😁 We're also planning another boot camp since we're going to have the house to ourselves for a week. It's been several years since we've done one, but we both found it beneficial the last time.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Words I Never Want to Hear

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

If you've been following here for a while, you know I'm not the best at staying out trouble. My mouth and my procrastination habit have landed me in hot water more than one. On various occasions, Steve has been upset, annoyed, frustrated, even angry with me, but I can't really remember any time in the past five years that he's said that he was disappointed with me.

To make a long story short, I was upset with Steve. The reason why isn't important. The key fact here is that I let my temper lead me into making a stupid and childish decision, one that caused him a lot of unnecessary worry.

I was already regretting that decision before he got home from work so I met him outside and apologized. He just said that he had been worried and that he was glad I was okay. An hour later, he hadn't said anything else about it so I asked if he was mad at me. That's when he said he wasn't mad, just disappointed.

Even though I knew he had every right to feel that way, it hurt to hear him say it. I felt awful about it and wanted to do whatever it took to fix it. But every time I brought it up, he changed the subject. I tried to pay attention to the show he was watching, but I couldn't focus. So I sat stewing in my guilt and the uncomfortable knowledge that Steve was disappointed in me.

It was almost a relief when I heard him slide open the drawer where he stores the implements. After some rummaging around, he finally picked one. Still he didn't say anything. I kept waiting for him to tell me to get into position, but he didn't. A good twenty minutes passed before he asked if I was ready.

Even those I craved the absolution a spanking would bring, I knew it was going to hurt. My cheeks clenched in protest even as I moved into position beside him. I was too angry with myself to allow myself to go over his lap where I could draw comfort from the feel of his skin against mine. To my surprise, when he realized what I was doing, he stopped me and put me there anyway.

The spanking hurt. That's kinda the point. But what hurt even more was hearing him talk while he spanked away. He told me how worried he was and the thoughts that went through his head while he waited for me to call or text that I was okay. I've always been a world class squirmer and I wanted nothing more than to squirm away from the swats and the words he was saying, but I forced myself to stay put. I think it's the only time since we started this whole thing that I actually managed to make it through an entire spanking without him having to say come back here.

There was some good that came out of all of this though. I guess you could say that it was our wake up call. We'd been drifting a bit, moving on a somewhat parallel track, but separately rather than together. So after all this happened, we sat down and had a long talk about how we could fix this and prevent it from happening again.