Monday, October 9, 2017

Words I Never Want to Hear

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

If you've been following here for a while, you know I'm not the best at staying out trouble. My mouth and my procrastination habit have landed me in hot water more than one. On various occasions, Steve has been upset, annoyed, frustrated, even angry with me, but I can't really remember any time in the past five years that he's said that he was disappointed with me.

To make a long story short, I was upset with Steve. The reason why isn't important. The key fact here is that I let my temper lead me into making a stupid and childish decision, one that caused him a lot of unnecessary worry.

I was already regretting that decision before he got home from work so I met him outside and apologized. He just said that he had been worried and that he was glad I was okay. An hour later, he hadn't said anything else about it so I asked if he was mad at me. That's when he said he wasn't mad, just disappointed.

Even though I knew he had every right to feel that way, it hurt to hear him say it. I felt awful about it and wanted to do whatever it took to fix it. But every time I brought it up, he changed the subject. I tried to pay attention to the show he was watching, but I couldn't focus. So I sat stewing in my guilt and the uncomfortable knowledge that Steve was disappointed in me.

It was almost a relief when I heard him slide open the drawer where he stores the implements. After some rummaging around, he finally picked one. Still he didn't say anything. I kept waiting for him to tell me to get into position, but he didn't. A good twenty minutes passed before he asked if I was ready.

Even those I craved the absolution a spanking would bring, I knew it was going to hurt. My cheeks clenched in protest even as I moved into position beside him. I was too angry with myself to allow myself to go over his lap where I could draw comfort from the feel of his skin against mine. To my surprise, when he realized what I was doing, he stopped me and put me there anyway.

The spanking hurt. That's kinda the point. But what hurt even more was hearing him talk while he spanked away. He told me how worried he was and the thoughts that went through his head while he waited for me to call or text that I was okay. I've always been a world class squirmer and I wanted nothing more than to squirm away from the swats and the words he was saying, but I forced myself to stay put. I think it's the only time since we started this whole thing that I actually managed to make it through an entire spanking without him having to say come back here.

There was some good that came out of all of this though. I guess you could say that it was our wake up call. We'd been drifting a bit, moving on a somewhat parallel track, but separately rather than together. So after all this happened, we sat down and had a long talk about how we could fix this and prevent it from happening again.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Deep Thoughts

I've been debating for a while about taking down this blog. I thought I no longer had anything to offer here. I was wrong.

I started DD with stars in my eyes. I saw all these happy couples who seemed to have it all figured out. They made their relationship a priority. They truly communicated. They were happy. Yes, there was an occasional meeting face down across a knee, but once it was over, all was forgiven and they continued on their merry way.

I wanted that.

I wasn't foolish enough to think that would be us from day 1. Sure there are some who seem to slide seamlessly into DD, but in those cases, I think the tendencies towards leadership and submission were already there. DD just put a structure around it.

We stumbled around a bit at first, mainly because we hadn't yet learned to communicate. Once we figured that out, things seemed to flow a little easier. We still hit an occasional bump, but we talked them through and got through them together. We hadn't quite reached the level of those couples I envied, but we were getting there.

Then we hit some major roadblocks. My sister and her kids moved in with us. Steve felt that it was too hard to maintain things with others in the house so he took DD off the table until they were gone. I didn't agree with that decision, but I accepted it. About the time they finally moved out, I found out I was pregnant so he was leery of bringing it back right then.

Then everything happened last year and Steve was so afraid of hurting me or making things worse that he would barely touch me. It drove me crazy. It felt like my life was spinning out of control and I craved the structure of DD. I also wanted to feel normal again and it's hard to do that when everyone treats you like you're made of glass.

Over the last few months, we've started to bring DD back. In some ways, it's like we're starting over from the very beginning. We have an advantage this time around because now we know how to communicate, but we're still stumbling a bit while we find our footing.

That is why I've decided to keep this blog going. While I admire those couples who seem to have it figured out, I suspect Steve and I aren't the only ones still stumbling around. I want those couples to see that they're not the only ones. I don't want them to give up hope because they haven't reached their goal in the time frame they envisioned.

I want newbies to see that it's okay if you don't get it right away or you have setbacks that lead to a do-over. I want them to realize that it's a journey and that any movement, even backtracking to figure out where you went wrong, is still progress.

I want the couples considering DD to see that it's not a magic pill that fixes everything as soon as you decide to incorporate it into your relationship. I want them to see that you have to be willing to commit and work hard together to make it work.