Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Catching Up

The past couple weeks have been rough. First, there was Thanksgiving, the first major family holiday since losing my baby. I should have been showing her off to everyone. Instead, I had people hovering over me to make sure I didn't overdo it (I'm still recovering physically) and asking how I was. To make things worse, I did end up overdoing it a bit and my incision, which had been healing perfectly, started giving me issues. I thought I was going to have to go back to the doctor, but thankfully it settled down, although it's still tender.

Then this week I thought I was finally ready to go through the baby's bag of stuff from the hospital (paperwork, footprints, hat and booties, hospital bracelet, etc). Even though I bought a decorative box to put everything in several weeks ago, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it so the bag has been sitting on my counter since the day I came home from the hospital. I completely overestimated my readiness. I did manage to finish the task, but I was a total wreck by the time it was done.

My physical recovery has been slow. I'm still pretty sore and have to be very careful about how I move or I'm in pain. I'm still dealing with a lot of fatigue, which isn't helped by the fact I have trouble sleeping and don't rest well when I do sleep. I find myself getting frustrated sometimes because I still need help and can't do everything I want to be doing.

On a good note, I found out a couple days ago that the organization I mentioned a while back now has enough funding to provide services for me. They assigned me a support person and are setting up appointments for counseling, massage therapy and a cleaning service now. If you donated to help make this possible, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's such a relief to know that I'll be able to get the help I need to make it through this. 

After some debate, I decided to go back to college and finish out my degree. I had only two classes left when I took time off to focus on my pregnancy and the baby. I wasn't sure I would be able to focus with how I feel right now, but everyone keeps telling me I need something to keep my mind off things so I went ahead and registered for the coming spring semester. If everything goes well, I'll be graduating in May.

Steve seems to be enjoying his new job. The first week or so was rough because it's very physical work, but now that his body is starting to get used to it, he's doing better. From what he's told me, his coworkers are pretty good. One in particular has taken him under his wing and has been offering him tips on how to make the job a little easier.

The pay and benefits are nice too, although he has to be there 90 days before some of the benefits (like health insurance) kick in. Thankfully, we were able to get approved for Medicaid while he was out of work so we have that in the meantime. I was especially grateful for it when I got the statement from the hospital and saw that it had covered the nearly $35,000 bill for my emergency surgery and hospital stay.

Sunday, November 6, 2016


I had a bit of an emotional breakdown early in the week. It turned out to be a good thing for us because Steve had to deal with it. Up until recently, my mom has been here providing emotional support so this was really the first time he's had to since we lost our baby.

He didn't say a lot, which is probably a good thing since he's inadvertently upset me a couple times with poorly chosen words. Instead, he just held me while I cried and told me he misses her too. Those simple words did more for me than anything anyone else has done. Even though I knew that his way of coping was to push things back and focus on the future, it really bothered me that he wouldn't talk about our baby. For him to not only acknowledge that she existed, but also that he missed her too, meant the world to me and I told him so.

A few days later, someone on Facebook posted a link to a blog post about grieving. I read it and liked the writer's style so I read some more of their posts. I came across this really great post that really resonated with me. You can read it here if you want, but in a nutshell, it says that instead of offering platitudes or telling people how they should deal with their grief, you should just acknowledge their grief and be there for them.

I put the link up on my Facebook and Steve saw it. I guess he figured that if I thought it important enough to share, then it was something important enough he should read. So he did. Later that day, he brought it up and we had a really good, honest talk about where we were emotionally and what we need from each other right now.

He's also stepped back into his HoH role, at least to a certain extent. I'm not doing that great at taking care of myself these days so he's taken charge. He brings me my medicine every morning to make sure I take it. He reminds me to eat. He sends me to rest if I tire during the day. He even insists that I leave the house occasionally, even if it's only to ride with him to pick up our daughter.

We finally got to bring our baby home this week. It was hard, but I'm happy to finally have her home, especially after waiting over a month due to the hospital dropping the ball on the final arrangements. I remember telling Steve when we left the hospital that it didn't feel right to be leaving without her. Now she's at home with us where she belongs. It's too late in the year to do it now, but in the spring, we're planting a memorial garden on our property and burying her ashes there. That way we have a place we can visit.

Now for some good news. Steve's unemployment claim was finally approved. It was initially denied, but I guess someone at the unemployment office thought there was something fishy about his firing because they sent his claim for review before we could even appeal the decision. The adjudicator found in Steve's favor and our bank account is now flush because they went back and paid from the date of the initial claim.

And for more good news. I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a friend of Steve's had given him a lead on a good job. He applied for it and got called in for an interview a few days later. A few days after that, they called asking him to come in for a background check and drug screening. This past week, he got the call saying he got the job. He starts tomorrow.

He's a little worried about going back to work, mainly because of me. He doesn't like the idea of me being alone. I really haven't been alone much since losing our baby because my mom has been here or he's been doing side jobs close enough to our house that he could swing by and check on me. Now that he'll be working, he won't be able to do it so he brought up asking my mom to come back. I asked him not to do it. As much as she's helped me by being here for me to lean on through this rough patch, I need to at least try to stand on my own two feet. It took some convincing on my part, but he reluctantly agreed to let me try it on a trial basis with the understanding that if he even suspects I'm having trouble, he's making the call whether I like it or not.