Saturday, December 29, 2012

Hitting the HoH Stride

Steve just keeps surprising me when it comes to domestic discipline. Just when I think I have him figured out, he throws me for a loop. I think he's well and truly hit the HoH stride and he did it without me even noticing it at first.

Take our recent bout with the flu. I wasn't too worried about spanking because both of us were too sick. What I didn't expect was to see him stepping up in other ways. He's never enforced a bedtime because he knows I'm a night owl and also that I fight insomnia on a regular basis. Yet when I was sick, he sent me to bed early a couple times. I thought he was kidding the first time he did it, but one look at his face let me know he was serious.

On another day, I mentioned I was tired and was going to take a nap. I had barely got the covers pulled up over me when my phone rang and I got up to answer it. One hour later, I was finally off the phone. He asked why I wasn't napping and then told me to put the phone up and get my butt in bed.

Even now, he's still surprising me. Normally when we come back after DD taking a backseat for a while (like in the case with the flu), he takes a while to get back into full HoH mode. During that adjustment period, I can usually get away with some things.

Not this time. I woke up with a headache this morning and promptly went back to bed. When he woke me up again later, I was a little cranky. Even though he gave me a warning, I let it fly right by without noticing it. Then I told him to bite me.

Before I could even blink he had reached in the drawer and pulled out his new paddle. Since I was in the process of getting dressed when I said it and had nothing on my bottom to protect it, I sat down fast. He came around the bed to stand in front of me and told me to bend over. I tried to play innocent and batted my eyes at him while I asked why. It didn't work.

After I still hadn't moved the second time he said it, he grabbed my arm and started to flip me over, at which point I finally cooperated since it never ends well for me when he has to put me in position. Then I felt the crack of the paddle as he said words like cranky, attitude and disrespect. It wasn't an all out spanking because our daughter was up and could walk in at any minute, but more of an attention-getter. It worked. He had my attention.

A little later, he came to find me to tell me he was taking the neighbor to the pharmacy. The poor guy has numerous health issues and has been fighting the flu as well. Even though he has a 21 year old son that lives with him, the son couldn't be bothered to go pick up his medication.

Anyway, I apologized for my crankiness with him and admitted he had surprised me by reacting immediately. Then he threw me for a loop yet again when he told me to get used to him responding right away to disrespect because from now on, he wasn't going to wait and chance forgetting or getting too tired to deal with it later.

My jaw dropped. The no disrespect rule has been the least-enforced rule since we started. While I don't set out to be disrespectful, I usually end up smarting off, snapping at him or doing something else disrespectful at least once a week, if not more frequently. Most of the time he's let it go, but if he's going to be enforcing it immediately from now on, I may be in trouble.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

In Case You Were Wondering...

Getting spanked on a bottom that has been spank-free for a little over two weeks=ouch

Getting spanked with a cane on said bottom=OUCH

Getting spanked with a paddle after getting spanked with the cane on said bottom=OUCH!

Even though the cane and paddle had arrived two weeks ago, between the flu and Christmas, they hadn't been used. In fact, until last night, Steve wasn't even aware we had a paddle.

After two weeks of no role affirmation, I was feeling a bit out of whack. Add in holiday stress, missing Christmas with both sides of the family due to the flu and an argument with my mom and I was coming apart at the seams.

I knew I needed a spanking. I think Steve knew it too, although it took him a bit to catch on. But catch on he did. He sent me to get the cane and then I confessed to buying the paddle too.

So in the interest of trying out his new implements and helping me get back in balance, he told me to roll onto my stomach and we were off. It wasn't really a hard spanking or even a long one. The ouch factor came more from it being over two weeks since the last time I was spanked. But I quickly found out that I don't like the cane or paddle, especially used together.

And even though I would have preferred to avoid the cane and paddle (and plan to avoid them at all costs in the future), I'm glad he did something. Because I'm feeling much more balanced today.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

This morning the little one had us up early. She had already been to the living room to check out the gifts under the tree and wanted us to wake up so she could start opening them. She kept running back and forth between the tree and our bedroom announcing every new gift that she had saw.

One hour later, the living room looks like a wrapping paper factory exploded, there are unwrapped toys and clothes piled high in the recliner and I'm listening to the wonderful sound of her, Steve and the dogs all playing happily with their new toys while I enjoy my morning dose of caffeine. Life is good.

I hope everyone is having a great day. Merry Christmas.


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Flu Update

The good news is that I seem to have gotten a light dose of the flu. Aside from some lingering fatigue, I'm pretty much back to normal already. I did manage to catch a cold, though, thanks to the weather changing, but I'm not complaining because I'd rather have a cold than the flu any day. I do think it's time to work on boosting my immune system. I've been sick way too many times this year.

Now for the bad news...

Steve has relapsed. He seemed to be doing better other than the fatigue. He took care of me while I was sick, took over with our daughter so I could rest and even helped some friends move. Then he started feeling bad again. He spent all day in bed yesterday and he's only been up for a few minutes today.

And in other bad news...

Our daughter got the flu too. I had hoped and prayed that she wouldn't. She's pretty healthy and often will stay illness-free even when Steve and I are flat on our backs with whatever is going around. This time wasn't one of them. She woke us up the other night to announce she was going to puke. I handed her the bucket just in time. Thankfully she already seems to be getting over it so I'm praying she got a light dose and her body is fighting it off better than ours.

We already had to postpone the Christmas celebration on my side of the family, which was supposed to be this weekend. We're supposed to be at my in-laws tomorrow, but unless Steve has a miraculous recovery, I don't see that happening.

Aside from missing out on seeing family, I'm also stuck with both a turkey and a ham for just the three of us when none of us really have much of an appetite. I had already thawed them so I would have them ready to cook for my family's celebrations (one for my dad's and the other for my mom's) so I now have to cook them.

I cooked the turkey last night and I plan on doing the ham tonight. I guess I'll just chop them up and freeze them for use in future recipes. It's funny, though, because Steve always complains that we never have leftovers because we always eat at other people's houses. This year he can't make that complaint. We have enough leftovers that he'll probably be sick of turkey and ham before we run out.

And as if being sick for both major holidays this year wasn't bad enough, last night while I was eating, I lost a filling on a front tooth that was broke a few years ago. It's not hurting, but since it is a front tooth and very visible, I'm feeling pretty self-conscious and now wanting to smile right now. I'm praying I can find a dentist open this week that is willing to fix it because my insurance runs out at the end of the year.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Flu Has Landed

As you may recall, Steve has the flu. Thankfully he's starting to feel better although he's still pretty weak. To my surprise, after I griped sweetly reminded him about my feelings on whining, he did tone it down so even though it was rough having him sick, it wasn't too bad.

Unfortunately, I now have it too. I had been on the verge of it for several days with a general achy, tired feeling and a headache that wouldn't go away, but it wasn't until Tuesday when I woke up with a fever of 102 that it kicked in.

Steve has been great about it. Even though he's not completely back to normal yet, he took over things so I could get some rest. He even picked up a container of hot and sour soup from the local Chinese restaurant for me since he knows that's all I want to eat when I'm sick.

So far our daughter has managed to avoid getting it, but odds are she'll be coming down it any time now. She's already been complaining about a headache and slightly upset stomach. Since she has only one day of school left before Christmas break, I'm hoping it holds off just a little longer if she is coming down with it.

Hopefully we'll all be over this crud soon. In the meantime, the holiday celebration for my side of the family has been postponed. We were supposed to leave tomorrow driving over to spend the weekend, but given how we're all feeling, I didn't want to chance being around the family members that have weak immune systems, not to mention my sister's baby. Thankfully everyone was willing to postpone until we're back on our feet, which is great because I was really bummed that I was going to miss out on seeing everyone, especially those that I only get to see at holidays.

In case I don't get another chance to get on here before Christmas (Steve's already telling me to get back in bed), I'm wishing everyone Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Patience

Steve has the stomach flu. You know the coughing, fever, headache, full body achiness, upset stomach, fatigue and general crappy feeling that goes around every year.

But wait, he is a man so his is much worse than any person on the planet has ever experienced. I've been serenaded by moans, groans, cries of "I don't think I'm going to make it." and whines about "You just don't know how bad I feel."

Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad for him. I know he doesn't feel well. It's obvious just by looking at him that he doesn't. But whining is one of those things that drives me up the wall. I don't even like to deal with whining from our daughter, much less a grown man.

And getting woke up multiple times during the night because he wanted someone to listen to him whine did not go over well with me. When I woke up this morning, I was tired, not feeling all that great myself and my usual morning crankiness (I'm not a morning person to begin with) was bordering on bitchiness. Lord, grant me the patience to not strangle him before he's over his man flu.

In the meantime, enjoy these cartoons and videos.









Friday, December 14, 2012

It's Here

Earlier this week I ordered the dreaded cane. The very next morning I received an email alerting me to the fact my package had shipped. I got a little flutter in my stomach when I saw that. Even though I have to give Cane-Iac props for getting it out so quickly considering it's the holiday season, I was kind of hoping it would take longer so I could continue to avoid it.

Since then, I've been anxiously watching the package's progress to our home. According to the tracking, it was scheduled to arrive yesterday. I breathed a sign of relief when the mailman passed without stopping. Unfortunately, he did stop today.


We have built a fairly decent variety of implements since starting DD. I don't like any of them. That's the point, though, isn't it? Some I dislike more than others, the plastic hanger for instance. But if there was one implement that wasn't in Steve's arsenal and I prayed he would never find out about, it would be the cane.

But alas, he did find out about canes. If it's anything like the wooden dowels we bought to test the concept, the first time he uses it, it will probably shoot straight to the top of my most hated implements list. And since canes tend to be more flexible than wooden dowels, the odds of my buns of steel coming out ahead in a battle are pretty slim. A girl can hope though.

I had a brief moment where I considered just hiding it away when it arrives. After all, Steve knows that I ordered it, but not when it was due to arrive. I could probably make it at least a couple more weeks before he starts wondering why it hasn't came yet.

But that wouldn't honest. To lie, even by omission, would be betraying Steve's trust. And as I told a loved one during a conversation the other day, a relationship can't survive without trust. So as much as I hate the thought of telling him it came, I'm going to do it anyway.

Of course I may wait until he's about to fall asleep tonight to tell him...


Also in the package with the cane was the paddle I bought as a present for Steve. Somehow it didn't look quite as scary on the website as it did when I pulled it out the package. So it is getting hid away until I figure out whether I really want to give him another implement, seeing as how I've regretted every other implements I've bought for him.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What Happened

You're probably wondering about how the other night's spanking went. Like most things I've found with DD, it was a learning experience.

I was nervous going into it, something that surprised us both. One, it isn't like Steve hasn't spanked me before and I didn't know what to expect. Two, I had asked for this spanking. And yet I was more nervous about this spanking than I was the very first one he ever gave me. I guess part of it was because I had such high hopes for it. Another part was probably knowing that he might have to push me further than we've been before for it to work.

He was understanding, yet firm. He helped me get into position and then threw a surprise in the mix by restraining both my hands and my feet. He knew that this spanking might be more than I'm used to and since I have thrown hands or feet in the way before, he wanted to make sure I was safe. I've got my hand and my foot smacked before on accident so it was a valid concern.

My nervousness grew as I laid there watching him open the drawer where the implements are stored. He took them out one by one, giving the edge of the bed a test swat with each one as he pulled them out. When he started pulling out some of my more hated implements, I half considered telling him I'd changed my mind.

I felt the bed dip as he sat down and then I heard the sound of the implements all hitting the bed. He stroked my back for a minute while we talked and then he started. From the very first swat, it was clear Steve meant business. I quickly found out that I did not like the restraints because I couldn't get away. I was also seriously regretting making him promise to ignore my ouches and pleas for him to stop.

Finally he stopped and went back to stroking my back. We talked some more. He commented on the bright shade of my bottom and I let him know that it was on fire. Then he asked me the question I was dreading. Was it enough?

Enough as in my bottom is already on fire? Yep, I'm good. Enough as in he broke through that barrier and got the tears to flow? I wanted so bad to say yes because that would end it, but I knew it would be a lie. I guess my silence was answer enough for him because he said "I don't think it is." and took off swatting again.

The second round of swats came a lot faster. Steve knows I can handle harder swats if there's a brief pause between them. But when it comes to rapid-fire swats, they always seem to hurt more even if the swats are actually lighter.

When he stopped again, I was on the verge of tears but still having trouble getting them out. We talked some more and then he got up to get the belt. It doesn't get used a whole lot because he finds it awkward and it can wrap if he's not very careful. We've talked about buying or making a leather strap, but haven't got around to it yet.

It was the belt that pushed me over the edge. To my surprise, it wasn't the flood of tears I was expecting, but more like a trickle. He kept going for a minute and then just laid down beside me and held me.

Once I got it all out, we talked some more. Then he turned my focus to more pleasant things and I forgot all about the fact that my butt felt like a swarm of hornets had attacked it. I hinted that he could release me from the restraints but he just gave me that evil grin I know so well and took the opportunity to tease to his heart's content since I couldn't get away.

Much later, Steve finally undid the restraints and I flopped on my back exhausted from the night's events. As soon as my bottom hit the sheets, the burn returned with a vengeance and I immediately flipped back onto my stomach. The man actually smirked when he asked how my bottom was feeling and I told him it was on fire. Then he asked if I felt better and I had to smile because I did.

So what did we learn from all this?

It's better to deal with walls sooner rather than later. The wall had been standing for a while and it took quite a bit for it to come down. If I had asked him to help earlier, I might not have had to go through as much as I did to get where I needed to be.

Restraints are probably going to be used in the future for harder punishments. As much as I would like to submit gracefully to spankings, I still haven't mastered the art of staying still. I do okay with maintaining position during role affirmation and easier spankings, but struggle with it for harder ones. Steve liked the fact that he didn't have to worry about my hands or feet getting in the way.

If I ask him to do something, I should be very sure that it's what I want before I do it. He took me seriously when I asked him to keep going no matter what I said. While I'm glad he didn't give in, in hindsight, I probably wouldn't have said that if I'd known it was going to take as long as it did to break through.

I need the lecture. Since role affirmation was part of all this (it was Monday after all), he did lecture some. But since it went on as long as it did, he didn't lecture the entire time and a couple times he ended up repeating himself. I noticed that I responded better when he was lecturing. When he ran out of things to say, it was hard for me to focus.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A Very Special Day

Today is a special day. It's a milestone event in two ways.

Six months ago, I brought the concept of domestic discipline to Steve and changed our relationship forever. These past six months have been a season of growth. We've learned a lot about each other, but even more about ourselves. Had you asked me just a few months ago if we were going to make it this far, I'm not sure I would have said yes.

But we did it. We rode the highs of our accomplishments and dug out from the lows of our failures. And in doing it together, we've become a stronger couple than I could have ever imagined.

Today also marks eight years from the very first time we went on a date. It's a funny story really. I actually was supposed to go on a date with another guy that night, but he had stood me up at the last minute. I was griping to a friend about getting all dressed up for nothing when Steve piped up and said he would love to take me out.

I was a little hesitant at first because I really didn't know him that well. But after being cooped up at home for a week sick and then getting stood up by my date after spending hours getting ready, I decided to take a chance. That chance ended up being the best decision of my life. We hit it off right away, fell head over heels and were married less than four months later.

I never thought I'd be grateful for someone standing me up, but in this case, I'm glad that guy did it. If he hadn't, I might not have ever went on that first date and wouldn't be celebrating eight years with the man of my dreams.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Just a Little Update

I know I've been kind of quiet lately, but I've been around. Rather than leave you wondering if I fell off the face of the earth, I'm giving a little update.

I finally put in the order for the dreaded cane. That was not a purchase I really wanted to make, but it was clear that Steve was not going to give up on that one so I gritted my teeth and got it done.

Since I was shopping anyway, I also picked him up a present for Christmas. As with other implements I've impulsively bought for him, I'll probably regret it the first time it gets used. I bought a paddle. The good news is that he doesn't know about it so if I change my mind about it once it arrives, there's still time to hide it away and forget I ever had the brilliant hair-brained idea to buy one for him.

In other news, we've been doing a LOT of talking lately. Communication is good, right? That wall I mentioned before is still there, although he's been making some efforts to get through it. Between the wall and all the recent stress I've been under, I decided to make a drastic move.

I asked for a spanking. Not just any spanking either, but a soul-cleansing, wall-busting, stress-relieving spanking. It seems lately he always stops just short of that cleansing cry that I desperately need. He's still struggling a little with the idea of hurting me and also with the thought that he might go too far. So I gathered my courage and asked for what I needed.

I asked for a spanking that doesn't stop until I'm in tears. Not just a few sniffles, not just eyes that are starting to water, but honest to goodness tears. And I've made him promise to keep going until he gets me there, no matter how much I beg, plead, squirm or try to get it to stop.

It was supposed to be carried out last night, but life interfered. So it's on the schedule for tonight. I'm a little nervous because I did ask for a humdinger of a spanking after all. But I'm also relieved because I know that once he's able to break through that wall, it will be easier for him to get through to me going forward. Plus I need an outlet for all this stress.

Tomorrow makes six month since we started this. It's also another milestone, but you'll have to wait for tomorrow's post to find out about that one. Sorry to be so short, but I have to run.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

When It Rains, It Pours

It seems like no matter what we do, stress just follows us. This time of the year is stressful enough with holidays approaching and trying to squeeze enough money from an already tight budget for presents. Now we have another stress popping up, this time with our landlords.

We weren't originally going to rent our current place. We were happy where we were at and had awesome landlords at our old house. They were quick to make repairs if needed and otherwise left us alone as long as our rent check arrived on time every month.

Then some neighbors came to us wanting us to rent their house. They were moving out of state for a while and didn't want their house sitting empty. We originally turned them down because the house needed work and we didn't totally trust them.

But they kept pestering us about it and offered to rent their house at a couple hundred dollars cheaper than we were paying. Since it was a bigger house and we figured we could put the difference in rent towards buying a house of our own, we went against our instincts and signed a lease. We've regretted it ever since.

The house was a wreck when we moved in. There were several plumbing issues and one minor wiring issue. The house was filthy and pretty much all their stuff was left behind for us to move into the shed on the property. It took us close to a month just to get the house ready to move our stuff in.

The next problem came when a repair was needed. They tried to tell us it was our responsibility even though the law clearly states that the landlord is responsible for repairs unless we caused the problem. When I told them that, then they claimed to not have the money. We ended up paying out of pocket for the repair and deducting it from the rent.

A couple months later, we started getting calls asking for rent early. One month they even asked for it a week after we had paid. They always had some expense that they desperately needed to pay. Since our money is tightly budgeted, we couldn't do it and that caused problems.

We were just shy of our first year when they tried to raise the rent. Our lease clearly states that the rent can't be raised until it expires. They griped about it, but that was the end of that or so we though. Our lease has a clause that lets us us early if we give them enough notice so we started looking into moving even though we really didn't have the funds. We've talked to the bank about possibly purchasing a house, but without money towards a down payment, we can't get too far. So we're holding out for our tax refund in the hopes that it, combined with any other money we've managed to stash back, will be enough to get us in a place of our own.

Now we have another situation, one that's about to drive both me and Steve up the wall. The other day the landlord called to say he was coming to pick up their stuff out of the shed. We didn't have a problem with that.

The problem came when he arrived. He immediately set up camp in our backyard. I'm not entirely comfortable with the guy and Steve can't take off work to be here so I'm stuck at home alone with the guy here. His wife's a bit of a pain, but I'd feel a little more comfortable if she was with him.

Him being camped out in the backyard also means I can't let our dogs out. Our back yard is fenced in and normally I open the back door and let the dogs go in and out as they please. Most of the time if it's pretty, they stay out all day long other than coming in for food or water. As I've mentioned before, they're very protective of me. If I let them out right now, I run the risk of one of them biting him. So they've been stuck in the house for the duration other than short forays out on a leash.

The real kicker came yesterday evening when he told Steve he was planning on moving into the shed to live and would just pay the difference in our electric bill. The shed is not insulated and our electric bill already runs $150 a month just for us in the house. I don't even want to imagine how high the bill will go with him living in the shed and trying to heat it this winter. Not to mention, between the dogs not being able to go out and me being uncomfortable with him when I'm home alone most of the time, it's just not feasible to have him living in our backyard fulltime.

Steve struggled with it all night last night. He's a soft-hearted guy and felt bad for the landlord, who is currently living with his brother-in-law. But our family has to come first. So when the landlord called this morning, he told the landlord no, at which point the landlord told us we had to pay more rent or we would have to move out.

We know the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on with his threats. Our state is very tenant friendly and as long as we're abiding by the lease and paying the amount the lease says, the landlord can't do anything. If he took us to court and tried to evict us, he'd be laughed out of court. But it's still causing a lot of unnecessary stress.

On a good note, I'm handling this stress a lot better than I have in the past. I've managed to stay out of trouble (yay!). I've did all my chores and haven't snapped at Steve once. I haven't even given in to mindless eating like I used to. I have been crocheting like mad the past few days, but it's helping and I now won't have to buy winter gear (hat, scarf, mittens) for our daughter. I'm about to start working on sweaters for the dogs. Aside from the migraine I woke up with this morning, you couldn't even tell I was stressed right now.

Steve, on the other hand, is not handling it well. He was already stressed before this and the landlord hasn't helped the situation. After last night's conversation, it took me a couple hours to calm him down. He's always provided for our family, but now that we've added DD to the mix and he's taken the lead in our family, he feels deeply his responsibility to protect and provide for us. This mess has threatened our family and he's not happy about it.

I'm just glad he was already at work this morning when he told the landlord no and heard his response. Judging by how he sounded on the phone when I talked to him, it was probably a good thing he wasn't here where he could get his hands on the guy. It probably wouldn't have ended well.

I'm a bit lost here. I want to help him, but I don't know what I can do. I've been supportive. I've calmed him when he was upset. I listened to him rant for hours (yes hours as in plural). What else can I do to make this easier on Steve? Suggestions?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I Did It Again

No, I don't mean I broke another implement, although a girl can hope. That would be better than what I did. You see a couple weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I hadn't quite given up control like I thought I did. Or rather that I had, but I kept stealing it back.

So I've been working really hard at it. I've been trying to let Steve lead as he sees fit and not constantly put my two cents in about how he should be doing it. And I thought I was doing well.

Until last night. Last night was role affirmation, a time when I should be reminded that he is in charge and my role is to submit. But I wasn't. Instead I kept stopping him to tell him how he should do it. I wasn't consciously trying to take back control, but that's what happened.

Between healing from the shingles and everything else we have going on at the moment, spanking has taken a bit of a backseat. There has been a few swats here and there, but they've been fairly quick and light. As a result, my bottom is a little out of shape.

So when the first swat landed last night, I immediately went into "get me outta this" mode. First I tried to distract him. While my efforts were appreciated, they didn't stop the inevitable. When he resumed, I flipped over on my back and told him he should take it easy since it's been a while.

I have to give Steve credit though. He didn't back down. He just reminded me of why we do this. Then he waited for me to roll back over so he could continue. When I was still having trouble submitting to it, he kind of laid halfway down and cradled me against his chest while he continued. Surprisingly, that made it easier for me.

When it was over, I realized something. My respect for him had grown. He recognized I was having trouble last night. When we first started this, he probably would have backed down. Instead he looked for a solution to help me submit. I think he's finally hitting his HoH stride.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Vintage Toys

Lillie's post got me thinking. Nowadays our battery operated friends come in all shapes and sizes. But what did women have in the past? Enjoy.








Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Cleaning Epiphanies

There's something about monotonous chores that frees your mind. Every time I do dishes or fold laundry, my mind wanders. Some of my best thinking is done while my hands are busy and my mind is free. Yesterday was no different.

Yesterday's chore was to clean the den. I had been putting off this chore because the den is a huge room, the biggest in the house. Since it serves multiple purposes (home office, personal library, craft room, our daughter's homework area, the dogs' eating, playing and sleeping area), the  room tends to be one of the messier ones in the house so it takes a while to clean. It's a high traffic area between us and the dogs so the floor is the worst of the mess.

I put it off as long as I could. I worked on dusting, straightening, picking up various things and returning them to where they were supposed to be and sweeping. Finally I was down to just the floor so I gritted my teeth and got to it. As I was on my hands and knees scrubbing away at the floor, I was thinking. About halfway through the room, I had an epiphany.

The wall I built a while back has got a lot of blame for the problems we've had. It got blamed for me not being able to open up fully. It got blamed for Steve not getting through to me. While the wall is something that needs to come down, it's shouldn't be taking all the blame.

You see Steve and I have been lying to ourselves. He spanks and because he doesn't like to see me in pain, he sometimes stops sooner than he should. He tells himself it was enough even though he knows in his heart that it wasn't.

I add to the problem by not admitting to myself or to him that it wasn't enough. Spankings hurt and the last thing I want to do is tell him I need more. I know I should, but I don't.


And it starts a cycle. When things don't work out, it's clear that the spanking wasn't enough. Rather than admit it, we do the same thing all over again. And the cycle continues, leaving both of us frustrated.

Now I know one of you is probably going to tell me I need to talk to him or at least write a letter. I'm happy to say that I already did it and this time our communication skills worked better.

Last night as we were laying in bed, he curled up behind me. My pain meds were starting to kick in and Steve was rubbing my back because I was hurting. I had been hurting before I started cleaning and after spending so much time scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees, I was in major pain.

I was starting to feel relaxed and since he was behind me instead of looking at me, it was easier to let down my guard and open up. So we talked it out and hopefully the next time a spanking is needed, we'll both be more honest about whether it's enough or not.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Some Visual Thoughts on DD

Not much going on here to write about so I thought I'd share some of the messages I've come across in my online wanderings.





Sunday, November 25, 2012

Another Round of Fun with Search Terms

When looking at the search terms that lead people here, some are obvious. A lot of visitors arrive here after searching domestic discipline, domestic discipline marriage or domestic discipline rules. Other search terms are less obvious.

OTK for Husband

I think we've all wished at least once that we could be the ones putting our husband OTK instead of the other way around. I have to admit I'm a teeny bit jealous of Rogue getting to spank her husband. Of course my husband offered me the opportunity once and I turned him down so who I am to complain.

Female Led Household

Sorry, you're not going to find that here. While I have been guilty at times of covertly trying to take the lead, Steve is very much male and very much in charge of leading our household.

Ambivalence Spanking

Ambivalence on whose part? Or do you mean being spanked for being ambivalent. I've had some ambivalence about a spanking. I think I even wrote about it once. Steve generally isn't ambivalent about spanking. Once he decides one is called for, it's going to happen.

Domestic Discipline Heels Butt Plug

I'm not quite sure how this search led here, but apparently it did. Personally, I rarely wear heels. Between weak ankles and a general tendency towards clutziness, it's a recipe for disaster. As for the butt plug, we have one but it rarely gets used. As for combining domestic discipline, heels and a butt plug, I don't think that's ever happened and it's probably not likely to happen in the future.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Communication in Other Languages

After our mess earlier this week, communication has been on my mind. The whole mess came down to simple miscommunication. I thought I was saying one thing. He thought I was saying something else. Clearly our communication skills need work.

But that wasn't our only miscommunication. I was upset with Steve for not apologizing or seeming to make a move. In hindsight, though, he was making some moves that just didn't make it through the communication barrier.

You see Steve's never been one to dive right in after a fight. He starts picking at me trying to get a response or he talks about other stuff to try to get me talking to him. Only after I've started talking do we get down to what's really going on. That's one of his ways of communicating.

And while I was waiting on him to say sorry or he loved me, he was doing that too. I just couldn't see that because I was waiting on the actual words, but he was saying it in a different way. He cleaned the living room and got down on his hands and knees to scrub the kitchen floor.

A while back I took the quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and I asked Steve to do it as well. The results were enlightening for both of us. If you haven't taken the quiz with your partner, I highly recommend you try it (it's free). You may be surprised at the answers.

I rank highly on touch. I need to be touched to feel love. I don't necessarily mean sexually, although that intimacy is important to me, but the little touches. The hug when he comes in from work. Holding my hand as we walk through a store. His hand on the small of my back as we walk through a crowd. The pat on the butt as we pass in the hall.

When he's not touching me in some way, I feel lost. Even if he's not willing to say a word to me, I need for him to reach out for me. I need it to feel his love.

My next highest love languages is actually two of them. I tied on words of affirmation and quality time. I need to hear him say he loves me and appreciates me. I light up like a Christmas tree when he compliments me on something. On the flipside of that, I feel hurtful words more deeply. Of course some of that can also relate to me being a cancer sign, but that's another post.

Quality time with Steve is very important to me. I get frustrated some times when I'm trying to talk to him and he's busy texting or watching TV. To me, if you want to show someone you love them, you give your full, undivided attention. You care about what they're saying. When he's busy doing something else when I'm trying to talk to him, it hurts.

A lot lower on the list of languages is acts of service. While I do like it when he does things for me, it doesn't rank as high as other things on my love meter.

I ranked the lowest on gifts. Don't get me wrong. I like gifts as much as the next woman, but I don't really see them as a way to say I love you. To be honest, the best gifts Steve has ever given to me are things that he got for free or little money. Him bringing me flowers he picked on the side of the road meant more to me because they were a sign he was thinking of me than because he actually brought me flowers.

In some ways, Steve's love languages are similar. Like me, he doesn't assign a lot of importance to gifts and touch is important to him. However, his highest rank language is acts of service. He sees himself as proving his love every time he goes to work. Every time he fixes my car. Every time he takes out the trash.

The flip side of that is that he looks for acts of service from me as a sign of my love. I never looked at keeping the housework up as a sign of my love, but he sees it that way. When I let the dishes pile up or don't wash his dirty clothes, he feels unloved.

Sometimes we can save ourselves a lot of trouble if we just learn to speak our partner's language, or at least translate it into a language we understand.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Conflict Resolution Steve & Dana Style

In the movies, when a couple has been fighting, it seems the makeup scene always has them staring at each other from a distance and then running into each other's arms. I'd like to say that's what we did, but that's not our style. No, we take a more roundabout approach.

Last night I did some thinking and some praying. A fellow DD wife helped me see that I was so wrapped up in what I was feeling that I hadn't considered there might be something going on on his side. I started thinking that while I was sitting here waiting for him to make a move, he might be waiting for me to make a move as well.

So when we went to bed last night, I decided that I was going to quit being stubborn and make a move so we could get past this. It didn't quite work out the way I had planned. I started to reach for him and he turned away. I got hurt all over again. I spent the night getting up and down, unable to sleep. He apparently had no such problem and happily snored all night long.

This morning I was feeling a bit frustrated. It wasn't long until that frustration bubbled over and we ended up in another fight. Considering how rarely we fight, for us to get in two fights in less than week is a record, not one I ever hoped to hit.

He stomped away angrily and I stayed where I was just simmering. The longer I sat, the angrier I got. Now normally anger isn't an emotion I recommend holding onto. As a good friend told me, anger has a way of poisoning not only a relationship, but also the person that's holding onto the anger.

But in this case, anger was a good thing. It was what motivated me to get up and go after him. I was determined that whether he liked it or not, we were going to have this thing out and get to the bottom of it. I was not going to let another hour go by with this mess hanging over our head. With that in mind, I stormed through the house looking for him.
.
When I opened the bedroom door, I'm sure smoke was billowing out of my ears. I found him sitting on the bed looking like he had lost his best friend. Seeing that just drained me completely of all the anger and hurt. Because that's how I was feeling too.

So instead of going on the attack like I had planned, I softened. I made the first move. I crawled in bed beside him, laid my head on his chest and told him I loved him. Then he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me too.

Then we talked. Basically what it all came down to was miscommunication. When I made my confession, I was telling him that I was at fault. I was admitting that I hadn't been giving my all to our relationship. However, that's not what he heard. He thought I was blaming him for things not working. He thought I was saying he wasn't providing what I needed.

So we talked for a while and then our daughter interrupted. A little while later, he left with her going to his parents for Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks to the shingles, I have to stay away or risk infecting my father in law. Before he left, he made it a point to come find me, give me a kiss and let me know he'll miss me. When I asked if we were okay, he said yes.

So the storm is over and we're basking in the glow of the rainbow. And it feel nice.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Distance

The problem with domestic discipline is that it brings closeness. I know that doesn't sound like a problem, but it is, at least sometimes. You see one you've experienced the closeness and intimacy that DD brings, you don't want to see it disappear. You don't want to go back to the way things were before.

Distance can come in a variety of ways. Maybe one of you is traveling away from home for business or visiting friends or family. Maybe you've fought over something. Maybe a hurtful word was said, whether intentional or unintentional.

Since you've experienced new heights of closeness, this distance is felt more acutely. In the past before you learned how great that closeness really is, the distance may have been noticed. But you wouldn't realize exactly how much it hurts to not have those intimate talks, those little touches, the comfort of curling up in each other's arms at night.

I get a lot from music. Most people that know me can figure out my mood simply by paying attention to what I'm listening to. For instance, if I'm listening to Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff, it's best to leave me alone because I'm in a bad mood. Yesterday and today, one song has been on my mind a lot, Faith Hill's It Matters to Me. The chorus especially speaks to me.

When we don't talk.
When we don't touch.
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love.
It matters to me.

When I don't know what to say.
Don't know what to do.
Don't know if it really even matters to you.
How can I make you see?
It matters to me.

 
Yesterday I was more hurt than angry. I was hurt that he didn't understand that I was pouring my heart out to him. I was hurt that he chose to say what he did. I was hurt that he walked away instead of comforting me.

Today I'm angry. I'm angry that he's acting like nothing happened, like he didn't shatter me yesterday with hurtful words as he walked away. I'm angry that he doesn't seem to notice this distance between us, or if he does, that he doesn't care that it is there.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm a little angry that he's not donning his HoH hat. That he's not saying that's enough, quit avoiding me and sit down so we can talk this out. That he's not telling me this distance is bad for us and he's not going to let it go on one second longer.

But I have faith that we will get through this. We've been through rough patches before. While it may have been dark and stormy, we've always come through to the sunshine on the other side. And we've learned from the experience and came out stronger than before. Because you can't have a rainbow without the rain. It brings to mind another song, The Oak Ridge Boys' It Take a Little Rain (To Make Love Grow).
It takes a little rain
To make love grow.
It's the heartache and the pain
That makes a real heart show.
When the sun always shines
There's a desert below.
It takes a little rain
To make love grow.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Aftermath of Confession

This morning I finally worked up the nerve to tell Steve the thoughts that had been weighing on my mind and heart these past few days. To say it didn't go as planned would be an understatement. It was a disaster of epic proportions.

I guess I had this picture in my head of how it would all work out. I'd finally get my nerve up and talk to him about everything. He'd hold me and be supportive. He'd tell me it was okay and we would get through this. Then we'd talk some more about it and figure out where we were going to go from here.

That's not what happened. At first, we were both calm. He said we needed to get through that wall and I thought that meant he was ready to help and we would get through it together. But then he basically tossed the whole problem in my lap. I was upset at his lack of support and then he got angry.

Steve lashed out and said some things that cut me pretty deep. I'll spare you all the details, but suffice it to say that what was said was something he knew would hurt me. Why is it that we always use the things that hurt the most when fighting with the ones we love?

I was hurt and angry and I lashed out too. We fought the entire time he was getting ready for work. When he went out the door, I got the last word in, yelling "well f**k you!" just before the door slammed shut. He didn't respond and we haven't spoken since.

I know keeping a secret of this magnitude wasn't good for us or for our relationship. I know I needed to tell him what was going on so he understood what was going inside my head. I know we needed to talk so we could fix things instead of leaving things the way they were. But I never expected things to go the way they did today.

I almost wish I had kept my mouth shut. Sure it was weighing on me and we both knew something wasn't right. But if I hadn't said anything, we wouldn't have fought this morning. He wouldn't have said the things he did. I wouldn't be hurting right now.

I don't know where to go from here. I thought we were in this together, but it doesn't feel like it right now. It feels like he said "This is your problem. You deal with it." and then walked away. Of course. that's pretty much what he did. He walked away without saying that he needed time to think about things. He walked away without touching me.

Maybe I had unrealistic expectations. After all, I'm not even completely sure what I need. How is he supposed to know? The only thing I know is that whatever I needed, it wasn't there. There was just hurt and anger.

Maybe I was asking too much of him. Is it really fair to him to ask him to lead me if I'm not willing to give up the reins completely and quit trying to control things? Can he really lead if I'm not giving my all to him, to us?

The whole reason I brought domestic discipline to Steve was to help us grow closer, to repair the problems we had, a lot that came from my destructive behaviors. But right now we don't feel close at all.

We feel very far apart and I miss the man I've gotten to know these past few months. I miss the man who held me when my world fell apart a few months ago, the man that supported me when I was weak, the man who showed me that we can get through anything if we face it together. I miss my husband.

Monday, November 19, 2012

All or Nothing

A couple recent posts have got me thinking. They got me thinking about truth and honesty in our relationship and how even an innocent-seeming fib can lead to problems.

When I first brought domestic discipline to Steve and asked him if he would be willing to consider it, I suggested we do it for a trial period. In his wisdom, he said we wouldn't be giving it our all if we knew it was just temporary so it was all or nothing. So we agreed to give it our all.

And I did. Or at least I thought I did. Like most of us, I had this picture in my head about how this all was going to go. When Steve didn't quite do things the way I expected, I decided to step up and change some things. It wasn't an overt move, but a more sneaky attack.

I manipulated him. When I wanted him to be all sweet and loving, I was sweet and loving. When I wanted needed a spanking, I took advantage of nearly eight years together and pushed his buttons. With a few insidious moves, I yanked the control right away from him without him ever being the wiser.

There's more. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's tried to save their hide from a spanking. Him letting me off the hook because I say I have a headache is okay. Me letting him assume I mean a migraine isn't.

Him stopping a spanking because I appear to have had enough is fine. Me kicking and squirming, while carrying on like a banshee so he thinks I'm in more pain than I am isn't. I'd like to say these things aren't lies, but the fact is they are. I'm misleading him.


It gets worse. You see I've been hiding a big secret from him. A few months ago when my life got thrown in an uproar, I built a wall. Pushing back emotions is a long-standing tactic of mine and the wall just sort of popped up one day when I couldn't deal with the emotional upheaval I was going through.

At first, I didn't want to take down that wall. It was my buffer between pain and hurt and sadness. I chose not to notice that it made it hard for Steve to get through to me and led to frustration on both of our parts.

The longer that wall has stood, the harder it has become to get rid of. I haven't cried in months. I come close but can't let go of that last little bit that holds me back. Where a spanking used to always refresh that submissive spirit I need for this all to work, it no longer does. I come up from a spanking frustrated at myself for not getting there and frustrated at Steve for not seeing I'm not there.

I'm not the only one that's frustrated either. Steve commented the other week that it doesn't seem to be working as well as it did before. He spanks and I turn right around and do the same thing again. He hasn't caught on to the fact there's a wall separating us and that's why he doesn't get through to me. I haven't told him.


Trust is the foundation of every relationship, especially a domestic discipline relationship. Our HoHs trust us to be open with them so they know if there's a problem. They trust us to be honest in our actions and reactions to them so they have a basis for making decisions about how to proceed with us.

I've jeopardized that trust by not being honest. In doing so, I've put our relationship on shaky ground. Even if he doesn't know it, I do and I need to make it right. It's time I truly gave it my all. Otherwise, we have nothing. 




Sunday, November 18, 2012

Liebster Award Round 2

Wow, I'm feeling so loved. Bluebird nominated me for the Liebster Award as well. For those that noticed I missed a few answers on the first round where I answered Rogue's questions, I have to confess. I had a blonde moment AND I'm doped up on pain medication. I went back and added the answers so if you were really curious about those answers, they're there now.


Now for Bluebird's questions

1. What did you want to be when you were little?
I wanted a lot of different careers when I was little. The one that I actually ended up as is a mom.
2. If you could meet someone famous who is still living who would it be?

Angelina Jolie
3. If you could meet someone famous who was dead who would it be?

Pocahontas, who happens to be one of my ancestors.
4. What kind of car do you drive?

A VW, at least I did until it tore up. Right now I'm driving Steve's car.
5. Where is your favorite spot in the world?

Home. What can I say? I'm a homebody.
6. Is there one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My vision. I'd love to be able to see well without glasses or contacts.
7. If you could get close and touch a wild animal, which one would you want to touch and why?

A zebra. I just think they're neat.
8. Do you like hot or cold weather?

Neither. I prefer more average weather.
9. Coffee or tea?

I'm a Southern girl so it has to be sweet iced tea. 
10. What is your favorite cuisine?

Italian
11. What is your shoe size?

Depends on the cut of the shoe. I can wear anything from a 5.5 to an 8.5. 

And just in case you didn't get enough random facts about me earlier, I'll throw in 11 more. 

1.  I'm terrified of snakes.
2.  I'm an avid reader and go through two to three books a week.
3.  I'm a major clutz. It's easy to trip over actual things, but tripping over nothing takes real skill.
4.  I love to cook.
5.  I once punched a guy twice my size for calling me a rude name.
6.  I'm not a big fan of chocolate. I only eat it once in a blue moon.
7.  My favorite color is purple.
8.  I prefer fruity drinks when I drink alcohol.
9.  I'm an insomniac.
10. I can type around 100 words per minute.
11. I had a brief career as a telemarketer.

The Liebster Award

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Rogue. Thanks Rogue! If you haven't found her blog yet, take some time and check it out. There's some interesting things going on there lately.

The Rules:
When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them).
One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
One pastes the award picture into one's blog (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Rogue's Questions

1.  What is the first thing you notice about a man you just met?
His eyes
2.  What celebrity do you resemble?

Candace Cameron
3.  What is one thing you swore you would never do....and did?

Smoke
4.  How tall are you?

5'4
5.  What color is the underwear you have on right now?

White
6.  Are your dreams in color or black and white?

Color
7.  Are you a morning person or night owl?

Night owl.
8.  What is your nickname?

I don't really have one, but Steve calls me woman or brat.
9.  If you could go back in time, where would you go?

Civil War
10.  What is the funniest thing you've ever heard a child say?

I don't snore. I don't even know how.


11 Random Things About Me

1.  I'm allergic to cats. I love them, but I get all itchy-eyed and start sneezing when I get around them.
2.  Steve was my third fiance and the only one to actually give me a ring (and follow through with the marriage).
3.  I've driven an 18 wheeler.
4.  I live in the mountains and love to see it snow, but I hate the cold.
5.  I've moved 13 times, most of those moves in the last 13 years.   
6.  I will eat very few vegetables if they're cooked.
7.  I'm a water sign and gravitate towards water when I'm upset.
8.  I've had my writing published in a magazine and a number of websites (and got paid for it).
9.  I'm an amateur genealogist who dreams of doing it professionally.
10. I'm extremely ticklish.
11. I've never flown in an airplane.

My Nominees
 
Lillie of At Ian & Lillie's Place
Wilma of Barnie Married Wilma
Blue Bird of A New Road
Emma at Steven and Emma
Roz at Roz in His Hands
Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts
Grace at Enjoying the Journey
Christina at Red Booty Woman
PK at New Beginnings
June at The Dish with Ward and June
Tess at Rules to Love By


My Questions for the Nominees

1.  What is your most treasured possession?
2.  What is on your bucket list?
3.  What historical figure would you like to meet?
4.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
5.  What is your favorite movie?
6.  If you were shipwrecked, what three people from blogland would you like to be there with you?
7.  What person from blogland would you most like to meet?
8.  How many pets do you have?
9.  What is your greatest fear?
10. If you could go back in time and change one event in your life, what would it be?
11. What is your favorite color?