Yesterday, I had one of those days where I just didn't want to do anything at all. Maybe I was testing because Steve had been letting me slide on a lot. Or maybe I was just feeling a bit rebellious after finishing one of the two books I bought on submission the other day (ironic I know). Whatever the reason, I gave in to it.
I only had four chores yesterday. It really wasn't that much. All I had to do was call and set up two appointments, find a lighter blanket to replace the quilt on our bed (which he actually asked me to do the day before) and start cleaning up the den. I didn't even have to clean the whole room, just do some work on it.
Steve is very careful to not give me too many chores. He doesn't want to overwhelm me. He wants to be sure I have free time to pursue my own interests. In all honesty, if I did my chores as soon as he left in the mornings, I'd be done by lunchtime at the latest and have the rest of the day free.
I procrastinated for a while before calling to set up one of the appointments. The other one completely slipped my mind. Then I procrastinated some more, debating about whether I really felt like getting up and doing the rest of the chores.
I procrastinated right up to the point I heard his car come in the driveway. All of a sudden, I felt an urgent need to finish the chores (the ones I remembered anyway). It was too late to start the den because there was no way I could show enough progress in the time it took Steve to come inside so I shot off to the laundry room to throw one of the light blankets in the washer.
Even though he quickly saw that I had not done my chores, he didn't say anything. We went off to Lowes because he needed to replace one of his work tools and since he knows my daughter and I love walking through the garden center, he patiently walked around with us looking at all the plants. He even bought me a new hanging flower basket for the front porch. I felt guilty. I don't like that feeling.
As the evening went on, he still didn't say anything and I got a little cocky. I even briefly argued with him over a parenting issue in front of our daughter. In hindsight, it wasn't the smartest thing to do but I was floating on an air of invincibility.
After I got her to sleep, I did my dishes, then came to the bedroom where he was watching a movie and laid down with him. That feeling of invincibility fled when I saw him reach over and grab the wooden spoon from his dresser beside the bed. In my most innocent voice, I asked what he needed that for.
Steve answered that I knew and had me list the chores I was supposed to have done and what I had actually done. At least I could admit I did one of the chores (two if he had counted the blanket I washed, which he didn't because it wasn't on the bed where it was supposed to be).
After a brief lecture, it was over his lap. When the first few swats came, they weren't bad. I was still fully dressed so I assumed maybe he was warming up. A few stung a little and I squirmed a bit, but they never really hurt. The lecture continued through the spanking. One of the things that stands out most is his statement that he didn't want to have to do this, but he was doing it because he loved me and I needed it.
Then he lifted me back up, sat me down beside him and told me to think about what I had done (or rather didn't do). At this point, I was still assuming the previous swats had been a warm up and I was getting a little worried about the real spanking I was sure was coming. But I knew I had it coming so when he pulled me to him again, I didn't fight him.
To my surprise, he pulled me down on the bed beside him (he had laid down while I was thinking and had been rubbing my back), wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me. Apparently what I assumed was the warmup was the entire spanking. I laid there thinking for a bit and then asked him to turn down the tv when a commercial came on.
It was hard to get the words out. Who really wants to tell their husband they need to spank harder, make more of an impression? After a few false starts, I was finally able to tell Steve that I appreciated him stepping up when I pushed and not letting me get away with it, but... Thankfully he realized what I was getting at and filled in the blank for me. I needed more. I needed to feel like I had been punished, not just a few light swats over my clothes.
We talked some more about it. There were two issues at play. The first was that he doesn't like to see me in pain. Honestly, I think giving birth to our daughter was rougher on him than me. I repeated what I had told him in my email when I asked him to consider DD-that it was more painful for me to know I had failed him and that I would rather take a punishment, get forgiveness and move on from it.
The second issue was the line between erotic and punishment spankings. We experimented with erotic spankings early in our marriage and he still occasionally gives me a few playful swats in the heat of the moment. The reason he had chosen to spank over my clothes was that he was worried that by spanking on my bare bottom, he would inadvertently give me pleasure. Unfortunately, he didn't figure on the fact that the clothes definitely dulled the impact.
As with the first issue, I had mentioned this in my email. It was the reason behind our decision for him to not spank by hand for punishments. I'm used to his hand being for playful swats. Instead, we had decided on the wooden spoon and belt, both of which I have a healthy respect for, and any other implement he thought was appropriate.
After talking a little more, I went off to get him some links to check out. When I first brought up DD in an email, I had given him links to three sites that explained what I was looking for and how to go about it. Between work, spending time with our daughter and taking care of stuff around the house, he just hasn't had the time to read any of it yet. Even without it, Steve has the general idea from his own thoughts and from what I've told him.
So we decided that rather than him wade through the three sites and any others I might come across, I'd pick a few posts or articles on specific issues for him to read. Since our current issue is how to perform a good punishment spanking, I focused there and after some digging, found three things for him to read, one of which has links to videos. This evening when he comes in, I plan to take our daughter off to the store so he has some uninterrupted time to look at them.
On a side note, we really need more HoH's posting their thoughts. The majority of information on DD that I find is written from the female perspective, which is great for me. But I think something written from the male perspective would be more helpful for Steve. It's not like there are a lot of tutorials on how to spank your wife when she misbehaves.
Now I'm left with another decision. We both know part of yesterday's disobedience was me testing him. While he did step up, it feels unresolved for me and I still feel guilty. I debated about it last night and had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It's still on my mind today.
Do I accept last night's punishment as a learning experience? Even though it didn't hurt, I did learn that he's willing to step up and get me back on the right path when I stray. He does seem to have the lecture part down pat though. He learned that he doesn't have to be scared of breaking me and I need more for the lesson to be effective.
Or do I wait until he's read the links I sent him last night and ask him to try again because I still feel guilty about it? I don't want to tell him how to do his job. That defeats the purpose of me asking him to lead. But on the other hand, I don't think I should mostly get away with it just because we're new at this.