Lately I've been finding and exploring some blogs written by others in DD relationships. I wanted to get a clearer picture of it in practice and maybe get some advice. One of the amazing blogs I came across was Shelter In the Storm. Stormy has a way with words, vividly painting a picture of a scene and usually often making me laught in the process.
Yesterday she posted Let's Call it Domestic Harmony. I read it several times because it spoke to me. More than anything else I had came across so far, it described the very essence of what I was hoping to find when I brought up the subject of DD with my husband. So when he came in yesterday evening, I asked him to read it.
After Steve read Stormy's post, he gave me a hug and then we went to lay down on the bed for a while and talk. There was a lot of honesty and even a few tears from both of us. He admitted that he hadn't liked the way things were going, but nothing he had tried to fix things had worked so he hadn't known what else to do.
I admitted I hadn't liked the way things were either and I wanted them to change. I also told him about coming across DD a year and a half ago, but struggling to work up the nerve to bring it to him. And we were finally able to put the past behind us and move on to hopefully finding that domestic harmony Stormy talked about.
Then we talked about moving forward. Together we came up with some rules we could both live with. He's not big on rules so there isn't a lot of them-1) No disrespect 2) No disobedience and 3) Dishes must be done daily.
Every day I also have a household chore (or several) that Steve wants me to do. I tend to get overwhelmed and shut down when faced with too much of a mess (and unfortunately our house is a wreck right now thanks to my procrastination). When that happens, nothing gets done. Since he knows this, he's decided to give me specific tasks rather than a general clean the house. The exception is Sunday, which is chore-free other than my dishes, because that's our day to spend together as a family.
After our talk, we went to smoke (a habit both of us are trying to quit) and another rule was added. I hadn't done so well on cutting back yesterday. In fact, I had smoked more than usual. So the new rule is that he sets a number as the limit and if I smoke more than that, I pay the consequences. I'm probably not going to like it if I go over, but it's a good thing for many reasons (my health, our daughter, finances).
Just so you don't think Steve's an meanie, he has to stay within the limit too. Hopefully with us stepping down at the same rate, we'll be quit at the same time and not have to worry about starting back up because the other one is still smoking. Both of us have tried to quit on our own at various points in our relationship. So it's best for us to quit at the same time so neither is tempting the other.
I wish I had found Stormy's post a year and half ago when I first started trying to get up my nerve to ask Steve about DD. Maybe if I had, we could have already reached the point of domestic harmony. Instead we're just starting out and are still in our very first week.