Friday, June 22, 2012

We Talked (Or How a Too Easy Spanking Brought me Peace)

If you read yesterday's post, you know that I had got my first real punishment spanking the night before last. While Steve had the lecturing and comforting parts down pat, the actual punishment aspect was a little lacking, something we both realized. We did talk about it afterwards and then I went to find some links that would be helpful for him.

But it still didn't feel resolved for me. I had trouble sleeping that night and it was still on my mind when I woke up the next day. That's what led up to yesterday's post. I didn't know whether we should consider it a learning experience or if I should ask for another punishment since the first one didn't quite get the point across.

I kept thinking about it and finally ended up seeking the advice of Clint at Learning Domestic Discipline. He thought I was right to ask for another punishment as long as the request was made respectfully. So I decided that I would.

When Steve came in, I let him know the links were in his email and that I would like an opportunity to talk more about it later. I wanted to make sure he had time alone to read and really digest the material so I took our daughter off to the store to pick up a few things. Even though we were only going for a few things, we took our time and browsed to give him some time alone.

He did read all the links I sent him, including most of the comments, but it was several hours later after our daughter was down for the night before we were able to talk. Steve said he had a better idea of what I was expecting (needing) from a punishment, but he didn't see the need to repeat the punishment from the night before. He did give me an opportunity to share how I felt, but ultimately he decided that it was a learning experience for both of us.

At first, I was a little frustrated. After all, I was the one that had brought this to him in the hopes of getting help with the things I was doing to weaken our marriage. I was the one willing to get a sore bottom so our marriage would be stronger. Why wouldn't he give me what I needed?

When I turned away from him, I saw the prayer that I had saw in a post on Annie's Woodshed the other day and printed because it had spoken to me. I had hung it beside the bed so I would see it daily. The post was about the Slave's Prayer. which the blog's author had modified to be a Wife's Prayer. Two lines caught my eye. Let me open myself up to him and trust him. Let me accept his correction and admonishment with the grace of a Godly woman.

That's when it hit me. I had opened myself up to Steve, but I wasn't trusting him to lead in his own way. I wasn't accepting with grace his decision to administer correction and admonishment in the manner he thought fit.

So I said a brief prayer for guidance and then I turned my attention to breaking down the wall I had already started building between us. As I chipped away at each brick, the feelings of guilt eased. When the wall had been demolished, a feeling over peace came over me and I turned back to him. I curled up in his arms and told him I loved him.

I think this was a learning experience in more than one way.

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