Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What a Weekend: Part 2

Saturday was a day of sweet torture. We have been talking about ways to increase my feelings of submissiveness. So Steve decided to go back to something we had played with in the past, orgasm control. But this time he kicked things up a few notches (actually quite a few).

The day started out with him teasing me to the edge of orgasm about five times. Since he rarely takes control of my orgasms, I was extremely frustrated when he stopped and told me that was enough for now. I protested, only to have him remind me that my body was his. So I got up and made breakfast and we spent some time with our daughter who had got up by that time.

About two hours later, we found ourselves back in the bedroom for another round. I had thought the first round was frustrating, but the second round was even more so. It seemed to go on forever. Finally I got the bright idea to turn the tables and I set to work with my tongue convincing him. Unfortunately I forgot his willpower is stronger than mine and he set me straight by putting me on my hands and knees and fucking me hard from behind. I nearly came from penetration alone. It was only the threat of a spanking and starting over again that stopped me.

This went on all day long. Every time it got harder and harder to hold back, but I wanted to please him. He didn't make it easy on me though. It was like he had a sensor in his brain that told him whenever the desperate feeling was starting to wear off and he'd do something to get me back to that point.


I was looking forward to our daughter's bedtime because I thought for sure he'd end the torment then and give me relief. Either that or I was going to try my darnedest to convince him.

Then I got a phone call that kept me busy for a few hours. By the time I got off the phone, it was late and I figured Steve would be ready for bed. He's not really a night owl like I am and is usually in bed asleep no later than midnight.

We talked a bit about the phone call, did our couples devotion and then he resumed tormenting me. Then he did something that surprised me. He put me back on my hands and knees again and took me hard and fast. I was begging him to let me orgasm but he kept refusing, right up until the point he reached his orgasm. He patted me on the bottom and told me if I was a good girl he might let me have an orgasm the next day.

It surprised me because he's always made it a point to bring me to orgasm multiple times before he finishes. He's told me before that he doesn't feel right getting release if he hasn't got me there yet. But once I got over my initial shock at him leaving me on edge again (and the temptation to finish it myself), I realized that he had accomplished what he set out to do. Even though I was frustrated, I felt very submissive knowing that my release was up to him.

To be continued...

Monday, July 30, 2012

What a Weekend

Last week was one of those weeks. You know. One of those weeks where you just can't seem to get things right and you end up in trouble pretty much every day over something. It was that kinda week.



So when our Friday night date night rolled around, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was looking forward to some time alone with Steve. On the other hand, I was nervous because I was pretty sure I was going to get spanked. You see, I was tired Thursday night so I didn't do the dishes before I went to bed (one of the rules that Steve is a stickler on) and I had also not finished the one chore I had for the day, a chore that he had given me for the second day in a row since I hadn't completed it the first time (which I got spanked for).

Once he got back from dropping our daughter off, he let me know I had a spanking coming. Then he headed for the shower. I was waiting in the bedroom when he got out of the shower, but he just sat down on the bed and turned the TV on. In an effort to put him in a better mood, I started giving him a massage.

After about an hour, he picked up the spoon and told me to get in position. I don't know if it was the thought of getting spanked again after being spanked nearly every day that week or if it was knowing that it was going to be a bad spanking because of repeat offenses, but I did something stupid. I refused. Now he could have just flipped me over and commenced spanking (he's done it before), but he wanted me to submit so he just asked again. The third time he asked, I realized I was just making things worse for myself so I finally got into position.

He started off with the spoon. Just when I thought I couldn't take another swat, he switched to the plastic hanger (an implement recently added when we decided to find something quieter so we didn't have to wait until late in the evenings for punishments). I had thought it stung when used alone, but let me tell you, the sting is even worse on an already sore bottom. I was close to tears when he stopped.

He held me for a minute and asked a few questions. Even though I was feeling bad about not doing my chores, he didn't think I was quite to the point I needed to be yet. He questioned whether I was truly remorseful or just saying what I thought he wanted to hear so he'd end the spanking. At that point, I was seriously regretting telling him I sometimes did that.

So he got up to get the belt. He lectured for a minute or two and then started swatting. It wasn't long until the tears came. He spanked a little past that point, then took me in his arms and held me until the tears subsided.

A little while later, he reinforced his dominance by taking my body how he wanted. This is something we had discussed before. I had told him that my body was his to use as he pleased and I would not refuse him. Up until this point, he had never tested that statement. And even though what he wanted was something I rarely offer him, I submitted to what he wanted.

Between the spanking and his dominance in sex, I was feeling very submissive. In fact, I felt so submissive to him that after we had ate supper (he grilled steak for us), I did something I had never done before. I found myself sitting on the floor in front of his chair with my head resting against his leg as he played with my hair. And it felt right.

To be continued...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

What Is Domestic Discipline?

Grace at Enjoying the Journey posed an interesting question. What is domestic discipline? Since one of the very things that makes DD such a great tool for couples is that it is customizable to each individual couple, I'm sure there is going to be a wide variety of answers.

This is my definition of domestic discipline.

Domestic discipline is a relationship built on love, trust and respect in which the head of household has the right and responsibility to set and enforce guidelines for the good of the relationship, the family and the home with the full consent of his partner.
Now I'll break it down. Since most DD relationships, including mine, are male-led, I'm writing from that point of view.

A relationship built on love, trust and respect

These three things are necessary for any relationship, not just a DD relationship. Whether you're in the head of household or submissive role, there needs to be love for your partner.

It takes a huge amount of trust on both sides. The head of household has to trust that his partner isn't going to run screaming to the police the first time he spanks her. Or take advantage of the dynamic to satisfy a kink. The submissive partner has to trust that her HoH isn't going to take advantage of his role. That he'll set rules for the benefit of them, not himself. That he will be strict, yet fair with his punishments.

Respect is also huge. The woman must respect her husband's right to lead, to set the rules necessary for their happiness and safety, to enforce those rules when needed. The man must respect that his wife has given him a very valuable, very fragile gift in her submission and that her submission does not in any way means she's less than him..

The right and responsibility to set and enforce guidelines

I think some get caught up in the rights of a HoH, but forget it's also an awesome responsibility. Just like a ship with no captain will roll in the waves, a DD relationship will flounder if the HoH doesn't take responsibility for setting the rules needed and for enforcing those rules when necessary.

For the good of the relationship, the family and the home

It's easy to get caught up in being in a position of authority. There are some that even abuse this authority by setting guidelines to benefit themselves. A true head of household avoids selfishness and sets rules that benefit their partner, their relationship and their family.


With the full consent of his partner

Domestic discipline requires equal effort from both sides. Both partners need to be on board. Without consent, it's abuse.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Hesitation Over Marks

It was bound to happen and it did. When I woke up yesterday morning, I was still feeling the effects of Monday's role affirmation session. There wasn't any lingering pain, but there was definitely some tenderness if I sat down certain ways. I decided to see what was going on back there and went looking for a way to find out.

You see we're not big on mirrors so we only have two in the entire house, neither of which are full-length. Since the one in the main bathroom is part of the medicine cabinet, I turned my attention to the one in the master bath since I was pretty sure it was just a framed mirror hanging on a nail. I was right so I carefully pulled it down, propped it up at the right height and took a look.

Sure enough, my bottom had visible reminders of the spanking I had had the night before. At first I was a bit surprised. Aside from a tiny bruise a couple weeks ago (that I'm not even sure came from a spanking), I've never been left with marks. This time, however, there were several not so tiny marks and bruises.

Once I got over my initial surprise, I shrugged it off. I've always bruised easy and it's not unusual for me to find bruises on various parts of my body that I have no idea how they got there. The fact that I'm on aspirin therapy makes me even more bruise even easier.

I knew I was going to have to tell Steve about it and I wasn't sure how he would react. The subject came up sooner than planned when he came in from work and gave me a playful swat on the behind, which managed to land on the site of the biggest bruise. When I yelped a little, he asked if I was still sore. I responded yes and it looks even worse (in hindsight not the most tactful way to tell him).

So he settled our daughter with some cartoons and then led me to the bedroom to take a look. As soon as he saw the bruises, he started apologizing. He was horrified that he had left bruises. He kept apologizing.

We talked. A lot of it came down to the fact the bruises were as a result of role affirmation. He felt like he had overdid it and spanked too hard/too much for role affirmation. In a way, he was right. I had thought it was harder than usual and that it felt more like a punishment than role affirmation. But on the other hand, I had broke a rule for two days in a row (and not told him) so it felt right too.

I reminded him that I bruise easy, especially while on aspirin, and told him it looked worse than it felt. I assured him that I wasn't mad about it and I still loved him. Then I made it clear that bruises or not, the spanking was working. I was more respectful. The house was looking better. Things were getting done. So I didn't want to call it all off because I had a few unexpected bruises and marks.

He rubbed some arnica cream on the bruises and then let me off the hook for a chore I had apparently forgot. He said let me off the hook because he's not sure whether he actually told me to do it or not. While I can't remember whether he did or didn't, I suspect he actually did tell me to do it, but was wary of spanking me again, especially considering the appearance of my bottom.

I asked him if this meant he wasn't going to be spanking anymore and he said no. But in the back of my head, I'm wondering if he'll be less quick to spank for a while, at least until he gets over this.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Thank You

This morning my devotion was on thankfulness. It was talking about the need to take a break from asking God for things in order be thankful for the blessings he has given us. It really hit a chord with me. So after I prayed and thought it about a bit, I sent a text to my husband.

Thank for being an amazing husband and dad. We're truly blessed to have you leading our family and keeping us all on track. I love you.

It's easy to get caught up in our day to day lives and forget to thank the people that are there for us. So for my husband Steve, this is for you.


 for being my husband.


for not giving up on us even though our early years were bumpy.


 for being willing to give domestic discipline a chance.


for giving me an opportunity to change.


for being strong enough to redirect me when I get off track and start slipping.


for issuing the consequences I need.


for being a man I can look up to and respect.


for showing me what true love is.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Slip...Slide...Swat!

I seem to have a pattern. I start off good with full intentions of following the rules. Then I slip. I get busy doing other things, I'm tired or I get forgetful and a chore doesn't get done. Or my mouth gets ahead of my head and I pop off with something that I know better than to say. This slip is like climbing to the top of a water slide.

Depending on how the slip is handled (if it's handled), I have a choice at this point. Do I decide to take this ride since I'm already in position? Or do I do the smart thing and head back down to safer ground? Unfortunately, I have a tendency of going for the ride, even though I know eventually I'm going to reach the end of the slide.

Sometimes I inch forward a little bit until I'm over the edge.


Sometimes I dive in head first.


Sometimes it's a short slide.


Sometimes it's a longer one.


Sometimes it seems to go on forever, with every twist making me wonder if it was such a good idea.


Just like a water slide, my slide always comes to an end at some point. Only instead of being dumped in a pool of cool, refreshing water, the end of my slide isn't so pleasant. It ends with a not-so-quick ride across Steve's knee while he refreshes my memory of the role I've agreed to in our marriage and how my sliding isn't good for us. And by the time he gets done, I'm looking for a pool to jump into, if only to soothe my heated backside.

Water slides aren't for everyone. That's why there's usually a lifeguard standing at the top of the slide to check riders and make sure they're okay to slide. That's how I look to Steve. When I slip, I need him to step up and tell me this ride isn't for me and I need to head back down to safer ground.


And if he isn't paying attention and I slip by him to go down the slide anyway, he's the lifeguard at the bottom. He's there to pull me out when I reach the end and I'm floundering in water over my head. He pulls me out and helps me find my way back to safe ground.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Feeling Alone


Going into DD, I already realized the need to be discreet about it. Since many people don't understand or agree with it, there was a good chance that if friends or family found out, they'd see it in a negative light and try to talk me into leaving. So we've kept quiet about it.

But I never realized how lonely it would leave me feeling. While I can talk to some people in my life about submission and the husband being the head of the household, at least in terms of what the Bible says, I can't go too into depth about either subject. They probably wouldn't understand.

They probably wouldn't understand that being submissive to my husband means giving myself to him completely-body, mind, heart and soul. They probably wouldn't understand that him being the head of the household means he sets rules for me and has the authority to back them up with a spanking if needed.

So when I need someone to talk to about what's going on, I can't. I can't call someone and share my worry over breaking a rule because that would mean telling them Steve has set rules for me to follow. I can't call someone and complain about how he sometimes drives me up the wall with inconsistency because that would mean telling them he spanks me when I misbehave (or at least he's supposed to).

So I come here to this blog to spill all my thoughts, hopes, fears, frustrations and concerns. And I hope that someone will come along that knows what I'm talking about and will take the time to share their thoughts so I feel a little less alone in all this.

Ideally, I'd like to find another couple in our area that also practices domestic discipline. It doesn't matter if they're as new to this as we are or have years of experience on us. In fact, it would be nice to find one of each type of couple so I have someone to relate to on an equal level plus a voice of experience.

But there are drawbacks to taking our relationship out into the world.

Do I really want to give up the shield of anonymity this blog offers? Part of the reason I can be so open here is that I don't have to worry about bumping into anyone I talk to about this at the grocery store. Sure, we may bump into each other, but neither of us know who the other one really is. So I can just say "excuse me" and move on rather than wondering if the other person is thinking about the spanking I posted about.

If I make friends with another DD wife, I'm probably not going to feel as comfortable being open, at least for a while. I'm naturally a private person, plus I've trusted unwisely in the past and got burned. So it takes a lot for me to open up to people.

What if the other HoH is stricter and talks mine into stepping things up? In reading several DD blogs, I've realized that Steve is a lot less strict than most of the ones I hear about. Granted, some of that comes from him still making the switch from letting me do as a I pleased to being the one that sets the rules and enforces them.

While part of me wishes there was someone he could talk to openly about the HoH role and get advice, another part of me is a little scared of it happening because of the changes it might bring. I'm not sure I want him to be stricter. I'm definitely not sure about how I would react if he decided to try some new implements or punishments on the advice on his new friend.

The main drawback though is the thought of the process of actually finding another DD couple. How would we even go about it? Drop subtle hints to couples we know or meet and hope they take the hint and start the conversation? Watch DD blogs for clues about their location and email if I think they live nearby? Post an ad on Craigslist looking for like-minded people?

I'm divided. On one hand, I'm tired of feeling alone and not having anyone to talk aside from here. On the other hand, do I really want to open that can of worms?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Blistered

The phrase "blister your bottom" isn't new to me (probably to any of us). I've always took it to mean I was getting spanked. Last night, I found out that it could be quite literal.

Yesterday was the day for role affirmation. This is only our second time with role affirmation so I was expecting it to be like the last time, enough sting to let me know he's in charge, but not enough pain to feel like a punishment. But alas, that was not to be. Apparently Steve felt the need to handle a few things he'd been lax on lately while he had me there.

We talked a little beforehand because I had some things I needed to get out. Then he took up the spoon and got down to business. For some reason, my pain tolerance seemed lower than it has been so I kept moving out of position and even put my hand back a couple times. Finally he grabbed me to keep me still and told me that every time I interfered with the spanking, he was starting over (you'd think he would have told me that the first couple times).

We took a break for a few minutes to talk some more and then he moved on to the belt. I somehow managed to stay still through it, probably because he stopped sooner than I expected. To my surprise, he said there were red bumps coming up on my backside and he was afraid of busting them. I reached back to feel and, sure enough, there were several small blister-like bumps that were tender to touch.

Apparently he had well and truly blistered my bottom. It's the first time it's ever happened to us so we were a little dumbfounded by it. Although it did hurt, it wasn't the hardest spanking he's given me. And it's not like it had been a long time since he spanked me. It had only been a few days.

The bumps are gone today and I haven't noticed any soreness where they were so it's not a huge deal. I'm just curious. Does anyone else get blisters/bumps from a spanking? What can I do to prevent it?

Monday, July 16, 2012

I Want vs I Need

I came across a blog post a while back. Unfortunately, I was in the process of following links from one blog to another so I can't find it again to link here, but it was talking about needs and wants. It really got me thinking about the difference between what I want and what I actually need from Steve.

I want to do things on my own, even if it means I sometimes make mistakes.
...I need you to redirect me when my words or actions put our happiness at risk.

I want to not feel like I have more than I can handle. I get overwhelmed when I have too much on my plate and I don't like feeling that way.
...I need you to provide structure so I can get the things that need to be done finished.

I want to move on to do better. I don't want to keep feeling guilty over what I've said or done, and then get caught up in a cycle of guilt that leads to me doing worse.
...I need you to issue consequences so I can learn from my mistakes and let go of the guilt.

I want to be a strong, independent woman.
...I need to know I can draw strength from you if I need it and still have the freedom to be independent to my true self.

I want to be the woman you need in your life.
...I need you to help me be a woman we can both be proud of.

I want to get away with things occasionally.
...I need you to be consistent.

I want to protect you from harm, even if it means keeping some of my fears to myself.
...I need you to push me to be more open, to not back down if I say I don't want to.

I want to push the boundaries sometimes.
...I need you to let me feel your strength when I do.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Spanking Meme

I've saw these questions on various blogs (some offering more questions than others) so I thought I'd give it a go.

  1. Would you rather be spanked outside in a cold woodshed or inside by a cozy fire?
    Inside by the fire. I don't like to be cold, even if part of me is warm.
  2. Would you rather be spanked in public or private?
    Private. I'm adventurous but not an exhibitionist.
  3. Would you rather fantasize about spanking or actually be spanked?
    I'd rather be spanked for real.
  4. Would you rather be spanked for humiliation or for your spanker’s pleasure?
    We don't do humiliation so this one's a no-brainer-for his pleasure.
  5. Would you rather be spanked by hand or hairbrush?
    By hand. Once he gets out any implements, it means I'm in trouble.
  6. Would you rather be spanked by belt or cane?
    I've never been spanked by cane, but the idea scares me so even though I don't like the belt, I'd have to say belt.
  7. Would you rather be spanked by ping pong paddle or riding crop?
    Don't know. We haven't tried those yet.
  8. Would you rather be restrained or unrestrained during a spanking?
    It depends. I like being completely at his mercy for spanking (and other things). He has threatened to restrain me for a punishment spanking though because I was having trouble staying still.
  9. Would you rather be spanked until you cried or until you are aroused?
    It depends. Erotic spankings are always nice, but sometimes I need the release that comes from crying.
  10. Would you rather have just a red bottom or welts/bruises?
    A red bottom. I have enough bruises from general clutziness without adding more from a spanking.
  11. Would you rather be spanked for the naughty things you have done or just because you enjoy the experience?
    Both. Even though I don't like discipline spankings, I like the results.
  12. Would you rather be spanked with panties up or panties down?
    It depends. If I'm in trouble, the more layers the better.
  13. Would you rather be spanked somewhat clothed or entirely naked?
    See #12.
  14. Would you rather be spanked OTK or bent over a table/chair?
    OTK although bent over something has it's benefits with erotic spankings.
  15. Would you rather your spanker have physical contact with you?
    Yes.
  16. Would you prefer to be spanked in the woods with a tree branch, bent over the hood of a car, or in a school with a ruler bent over the desk of your teacher/principal?
    While neither option sounds great, I'd probably pick the woods for privacy.
  17. Would you rather be a brat to your spanker to deserve a spanking or simply ask your spanker for a spanking because you know you needed it?
    While I'd like to ask, sometimes it's difficult to get the words out and I end up bratting.
  18. Have you received a spanking in the last week?
    More than one.
  19. Would you rather be spanked for the physical pleasure or the emotional release?
    Both.
  20. Would you rather tell your best friends that you enjoy to be spanked or keep it a secret?
    Keep it a secret. My friends are vanilla to the core.
  21. Would you rather spanking be a lifestyle choice or just something you dabble in?
    It's more a lifestyle than something we dabble in.
  22. Would you rather your lover be a vanilla or a spankoholic too?
    Steve has turned into quite the spankoholic.
  23. Would you rather be spanked by a stranger or by someone who knew you well?
    Only Steve.
  24. Would you rather be spanked by a despotic, mean person or by a compassionate, benevolent person?
    I prefer compassionate.
  25. Would you rather be talked to while you are spanked or no talking at all?
    I need him to talk. Otherwise it feels detached.
  26. Would you rather get one swat at a time with pauses to let the sting set in or a continuous tanning to build up the fire?
    It depends. If it's for pleasure, it's nice to let it slowly build. If it's for discipline, the sooner it's over the better.
  27. Would you rather be forced into a spanking or willingly submit into a spanking?
    I prefer to submit, but I know Steve will push if I balk.
  28. Would you rather have a safe word or be pushed beyond your preconceived limits?
    We don't really have a safe word. For discipline spankings, it defeats the purpose if I can stop it whenever I want. But he will stop if I ask him to, at least long enough to find out if I have a legitimate reason to call a halt to the spanking.
  29. Would you rather your spanker know your spanking history or is ignorance bliss?
    He knows my spanking history because he's been the one doing the spanking.
  30. Would you rather be spanked by multiple people at one time or just by one person at a time?
    Just my husband.
  31. Would you rather be spanked once a day or once every few months?
    Erotic spankings I'll take once a day (or even more than once). When it comes to discipline, while I'd like to go once every few months, I need it more often than that.
  32. Would you rather your spanker be deeply in tune or be totally unaffected to your experiences as a spankee?
    I prefer he's in tune with how I'm feeling.
  33. Would you rather a closer physical relationship or a closer emotional relationship with your spanker?
    Both
  34. Would you rather your spanker ice your bottom down after a spanking or send you to the corner to display his/her accomplishment?
    We haven't done either.
  35. Would you rather your spanker be the person you wish to live the rest of your life with (i.e. marriage) or the person you can call on when your tushy tickles?
    I'm lucky to have both of those people in Steve.
  36. Would you rather spanking be part of love making or not a part of love making?
    We make love with and without spanking. Either way is nice.
  37. Would you rather your spanker have total control over you when you are being spanked or do you still want to have some control while you are being spanked?
    I need to give up control.
  38. Would you rather be humiliated or respected during a spanking?
    See #4. Steve is always respectful.
  39. Would you rather spanking become part of a bigger BDSM alternative lifestyle or spanking just be spanking for spanking sake?
    With us, it's both.
  40. Would you rather be filmed during a spanking to share your exhibitionist naughtiness or are you too modest to show your bum to the world?
    Since spanking is very personal, I can't see sharing it with anyone else.
  41. Would you rather your spanking be gentle and gradual or painful and abrupt?
    Depends on the situation.
  42. Would you rather be defiant or fearful going into a spanking?
    I'm a little bit of both going into a discipline spanking. For my bottom's sake, it's better to not be defiant though.
  43. Would you rather be spanked exclusively in your own bedroom or anywhere else other than your own bedroom?
    We primarily spank in our bedroom, but as long as it's private, I'm open to anywhere.
  44. Would you rather be spanked exclusively on your bottom or would other places be interesting too?
    Just the bottom, although Steve has swatted the tops of my thighs to make a point.
  45. Would you rather that spanking be a surprise or something that you have to look forward to? Depends on the situation. With discipline, I'd rather not worry about it all day. With erotic spankings, I like letting the anticipation build.
  46. Would you rather that spanking be a part of role playing kinkiness or a response to events that have happened in reality?
    We don't really role play so probably reality.
  47. Would you rather be spanked by a male or female?
    Male, but only if it's Steve.
  48. Would you rather be cuddled or scolded after a spanking?
    Definitely cuddled. Scolding me after a spanking just makes me feel like I'm still in trouble and haven't been forgiven.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We Made it Through the First Month

When I first brought the idea of domestic discipline to Steve, I never could have imagined how quickly it would bring about changes. Today marks one month since I worked up the nerve to bring DD to Steve and it's a world of difference from the way things were before I got up the nerve to talk to Steve about it.

I have learned so much in the last month.

I've learned that my husband is one heck of a leader. For so many years, I refused to let him take the role of leader of our marriage, our family and our home. I was so determined to be independent and not be under a man's thumb. But in letting him take the role he should have had all along, I've found that there was a leader hidden in him that I had never saw before.

I've learned that as his confidence in leading grows, it spreads to other areas. I've always been the "bad guy" with our daughter, the one that said no, the one that punished her if needed. Now that I've stepped back, she's looking at him differently. There are no more temper tantrums, her chores get done and her attitude has undergone a complete turn around.

I've learned that my husband is a strong man. He's strong enough to pull me back when I do something reckless. He's strong enough to issue consequences. I think part of my issues with respect was because I didn't see that side of him before. Now he has that respect because I know he will step up if needed.

I've learned he knows me better than I realized. I always thought he was oblivious to certain signs with me, like me getting quiet when I'm worried about something or me withdrawing and refusing to speak to him when I'm mad at him. It turns out he was aware of them, but chose to not really push. He may have asked if everything was okay, but he left me alone if I said I was fine or I didn't want to talk about it. That's all changed now. While he does give me a little space to work out my worries on my own before he starts pushing, I'm not allowed to sulk (his word) or refuse to speak to him when I'm mad any more.

I've learned my husband can spank. Sure the first couple times were not quite what I was expecting because we were both still learning. But after talking and doing some research, he definitely knows what he's doing now. All I have to say is OUCH! While my bottom wishes we could go back to those first few tentative spankings, I have to admit that spankings now are definitely more effective.

I've learned that in being a better wife, the intimacy I craved is now there. We touch more whether it's a simple caress as we pass in the hall, holding hands as we walk through a store, him opening the car door for me and helping me out, or snuggling up in bed together to sleep instead of sleeping as far apart as we possibly could.

I've learned that the sex is so much better. I don't know whether it's that we're more in touch with each other now or that he's turned on that I want to please him and I'm turned on by the strength and leadership I see in him. Our sex life had fizzled a bit over the years. It was still good when it happened, but it wasn't unusual for us to go weeks at a time without making love. Now, we can't keep our hands off each other. We don't go more than a day or two without making love and it's not unusual to find us locked away in the bedroom more than once in a day.

I've learned that being submissive doesn't mean he ignores how I feel. This really hit home the other week when we disagreed on something to do with our daughter. In the past, it would have turned into a huge stupid argument. I probably would have won, but it would have been a hollow victory because we would have hurt each other by saying things we regretted. So even though I was adamantly against his idea, I held my temper, calmly spelled out my reasons and told him I would respect his decision. I did end up getting my way, but it was because I had solid reasons that he hadn't thought of, not because he got tired of fighting with me.

I've learned that being submissive doesn't make me a doormat or slave, or even passive and voiceless. He welcomes my opinion as long as it's expressed in a respectful way. He may not always agree with me, but I do get my say. He doesn't sit back in front of the TV with a beer while I slave away at the housework; he helps me  He doesn't leave me feeling controlled; I feel cherished.

I've learned that I have always craved his approval of me as a wife. A couple weeks into our DD lifestyle, he mentioned he'd been bragging on me to his friends and family. Until I heard him say that he was bragging on me as a wife, not just a mom or cook, and holding me up as an ideal other guys should strive to find, I never realized how bad I wanted to hear him say that. How bad I wanted to be that ideal wife he could brag about. He hasn't told anyone the reason for the change because we agreed to keep that private (although he's okay with this blog), but he was still bragging on me.

I've learned that DD has strengthened our faith. I've been saved since I was 9 years old and I've had my ups and downs with faith over the years, but it has never been as strong as it is now. Under his leadership, we attend church as a family instead of separately or not at all. I read my devotional Bible (a gift he bought me) daily. We discuss things when we come across something that really spoke to us or we want the other person's opinion on. We do a couple's devotion nightly. We pray together.

If these changes have came about in only a month, I have to admit I'm curious to see what will be different when we reach the six months, or even a year.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

He Said the M Word.

You guessed it. He said maintenance.

The other night, we were talking. And by talking, I mean I was face down over Steve's lap while he paddled away. It turns out he does have some definite ideas on what disrespect is and he had just been giving me time to adjust to everything else before he started enforcing that rule. I don't know how he does it, but he knew that I had been thinking about it that day.

Anyway, right in the middle of spanking, he suddenly stopped and said "I think we need maintenance after all."

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. We had discussed the concept of maintenance before and agreed that neither of us liked the idea of it. I was so shocked that he had said it that I actually sat up (not the best idea in the middle of a spanking) to ask why.

Well it turns out Steve's been doing some thinking (and I'm beginning to suspect reading as well). He's noticed that I do good for a few days to a week after a spanking, but then start going downhill. It's nothing major at first, but those little things start to add up. So he's been thinking about maintenance as a way to stop the slide before I go too far. But he made it clear that he was just thinking about for now and didn't plan to implement it yet.

It's been rattling around in my head ever since. At first, my thoughts were along the lines of "Nope, not happening. I'm not a car and I do NOT need to maintained." I just couldn't wrap my head around the thought that I would be spanked to avoid getting spanked for misbehavior.

But then I did some reading and realized it was more than just a preemptive spanking. It's also a way to reinforce the roles in a relationship, a who's who reminder of who's in charge, a way to keep a submissive in the right frame of mind. And that's when it clicked.

You see yesterday I was frustrated because Steve had let me off the hook not once, but twice over the same thing. I was really struggling to find and hold onto that submissive mindset. I did end up texting him at work to let him know how I was feeling about him letting me off the hook, and he texted back that he had realized that himself and would try to be firmer.

When we went to bed last night, we talked some more. Then he did it again. He reached right into my head and pulled out those thoughts of maintenance/role affirmation/who's who spankings/whatever you want to call it. And in talking about it, we realized that maybe we do need that right now, at least while we're still getting used to this new dynamic in our relationship, to help us find and maintain our roles.

He needs it to remind him that he's in charge, that he has a responsibility to step up when I step out of line. While it's okay to occasionally let me off the hook for something minor, he needs to remember that it can easily turn into a slide backwards if he's not careful.

I need it to remind me that even though he chooses to be nice and let me off the hook occasionally, it's not an invitation to take advantage of that. I need it to remind me that he's in charge even when he chooses not to spank over something. I need it to help me dig down and find that submissive core inside me.

So last night was our first role affirmation (I refuse to call it maintenance). Like most things we're encountering with DD, it was a learning experience. At first, I fought it. Even though we had talked about it beforehand, I was having trouble submitting to it. So I called a time-out for a minute so I could talk to him about it.

I told him it felt detached. I guess I should have explained better because he took that to mean it wasn't hard enough and stepped things up. I called another time-out. We talked about it some more before we realized the problem. You see with a punishment spanking, he lectures while he spanks. Yet he wasn't saying anything last night, just spanking, so it came off like a spanking without purpose. While I knew in my head why we were doing it, I needed to hear him say it.

Once we realized that, we continued on. Even though the swats stung, it was easier to take. I didn't squirm or move out of position. I didn't kick. I didn't put my hands back. I submitted to it. And even though I didn't cry, I did feel better when we had finished.

Afterwards, he held me in his arms and kissed me. The kiss turned into something more and we ended up making love. Then, something very rare happened. I laid down and fell asleep right away. I don't know if it was the spanking, a combination of spanking and lovemaking or just feeling at peace, but for once, insomnia was not an issue.

Maybe there are some perks to this.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Giving In

Let me weave you a story. You see once there was a man and his wife. Together they had came to the conclusion that change was needed in their marriage. So they decided to add domestic discipline to their relationship. They sat down to come up with some rules (which have been added to as the husband saw fit) and the wife agreed to follow them with the knowledge that failure to do so meant consequences. The husband agreed to issue the consequence as needed.

Then one day the wife didn't do one of her assigned chores. The man, feeling benevolent, let her slide, telling her she could take care of the chore the next day. When the end of the next day rolled around, the chore was still not done. In fact, due to the delay, it had grew larger. When the husband approached the wife about it, her response was that she didn't want to do it.. It was at this point that someone gave in.

Do you know who it was? I'll give you a clue. It wasn't me.

I don't know why I'm surprised. Nearly every DD blog I've read has at least one post bemoaning the lack of consistency. But for some reason (I don't know why), I didn't see that happening with us. It turns out I was wrong.

The chore in question wasn't a big one. It could have been done in less than ten minutes. But I kept putting it off, right up until the point it got late and I was too tired to bother with it. And he let me off the hook. The next day the chore grew bigger, to the point it would take a bit longer to complete, but I procrastinated on it again. Then when Steve said something about it, I flat out told him I didn't want to do it. He let me off the hook again.

Now here we are on the third day. After getting off the hook for two days straight, I'm feeling a bit rebellious and fighting the temptation to not only skip my overdue chore, but also the chores I have for today. I'm feeling the lack of consistency.

I love the fact that Steve is a sweet guy. The kind of guy that will let me off the hook when I'm tired or sick, or when we've been busy. The lack of consistency in those situations doesn't bother me. It doesn't leave me feeling like he's giving in.

But when he lets me off the hook without me having a good excuse for not one, but two days in a row, it leaves me feeling unsettled. Even though I know it's not the greatest idea, I find myself wanting to push the issue, wanting to see how many times he'll let me off the hook before he does something about it.

Logically, I know that this is a time when I should embrace my submissive role. I should do the chore because he asked (told) me to. Because that's the role I agreed to for the good of our marriage. Because it would make him happy. I know I should do it regardless of whether there's a punishment coming if I don't.

I need to feel his strength when I push. I need to know that he's a nice guy, but he isn't going to let me walk all over him. I need to know that he's going to step up and do something when I start slipping. And even though I don't want to be spanked, I need to know he'll turn me over his knee and paddle my bottom when I need it.

I know we're still new at this and it's an ever-changing learning experience for both of us. I know things will get better as time passes and we both become more adjusted to our roles. But I need that consistency from him. I need it so I can be consistent about doing the things that I should be doing.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

What Is Disrespect?

Like most DD couples, one of our rules is no disrespect. I was the one to request this rule because I knew that I sometimes did or said things that were disrespectful. I felt bad about it and I wanted to change.

What is disrespect? To me, it encompasses a lot of things. I think not giving him my full attention when he's talking to me is disrespectful. I think me getting aggravated at him over something silly, raising my voice and then slamming the door behind me as I walk away is disrespectful. I think snapping at him is disrespectful. I think telling him to shut up is disrespectful (granted he was talking to me while I was on an important phone call, but I could have phrased my request better).

But I'm not quite what Steve's definition of disrespect is. You see, I have done all of those things that I just mentioned at various times over the last few weeks. I didn't set out to do them, but old habits die hard. Not once has the no disrespect rule been enforced, which leads me to believe that he doesn't see those things as disrespectful. So I'm left with the question of what does he consider to be disrespect to him and his authority as head of the household.

Don't worry. I'm not going to keep pushing his buttons to see what gets a reaction. We're going to have a few hours alone this evening and I plan to bring up the subject then. But in the meantime, I'm curious about other DD couples.

Do you and your partner have differing views on what disrespect is? Who sets the guidelines on what defines disrespect?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Changes are Afoot




Yesterday was the day for changes. I had to make a confession. On my blah day, I had went over on my smoking. Not just by a little bit, but by a lot. Steve had known something was up by the fact I was quiet, but he didn't know what until I told him. At first he wasn't happy with me, especially since I had chose to wait until the next day to tell him rather than telling him that night. In fact, he took my arm, pulled me around the corner so we were out of sight and gave me a few swats right then and there. It took me by surprise because he's never done that before.


We talked about it. What we had been doing was him setting a limit of how much I could smoke each day (he had the same limit). The only problem with that system is that I seem to have a knack for going over the limit on the same day he does so he doesn't feel right punishing me for it when he did it too. The system needed changing.

Steve was all ready to go cold turkey right off the bat and take my bank card to ensure my compliance, but I know from previous experience that I don't do good with cold turkey. So he's giving me a week to let my prescription for Chantix start working to make it a little easier on me. Then we're both quitting. If I smoke after the week is up, there are consequences. He said he wants to make sure I'm around a long time and I can't argue with that logic.

Of course the smoking conversation led to another confession. I haven't been taking my Chantix or most of my other medications. He's never supervised whether I take them or not because he didn't think there was a problem. Most of the time there isn't. I'm pretty good about taking them, but occasionally, I get fed up with swallowing all those pills and start slacking on them. Now's one of those times that I'm slacking and I've been struggling to get back on track. So now he's made it a new rule that I have to take all my medicines as prescribed-no skipping doses. He will be checking and there will be consequences if I don't take them.

The smoking conversation also led to a talk about some other things. You see Steve knew something was up with me because I had gotten quiet, a sure sign that something is on my mind. Since he'd never really pushed me before when I got quiet, I assumed he didn't realize that. While he was on the subject of knowing me better than I thought he did, he also brought up my tendency to sulk (his word) and refuse to talk to him when I'm mad at him.

So changes were made there too. If I get quiet, he will give me a little space to work things out for myself, but will push for a reason if I take too long to start talking. As far as sulking and refusing to speak to him, since it's not good for us as a couple, that's no longer allowed. He will ask me once and if I refuse to talk to him about it, he'll take matters into his own hands

Last but not least, I talked to him about the household chores. Our current system is sitting down every evening to pick a few chores for me to do the following day. The only problem is that we don't always remember to do it. Sometimes he remembers the next morning and just texts/calls me with a list of chores, but a few times he's forgot completely and I ended up with a chore-free day. Not that I mind a chore-free day, but still, we needed to fix the system.

So we've decided to change to a different system, a chore calendar with specific chores for each day of the week and a deep-clean of a specific area of the house each week. It's similar to the FlyLady system. He's leaving it to me to figure out the calendar, but he gets final approval on it. If he needs me to do something aside from what's on the calendar, he'll just tell me and I'll add it to my to-do list for the day. When he comes in from work in the evenings, he can reference the calendar to check whether I did my chores and go from there.

So in a single day, I got 2 new rules added, one existing rule majorly modified and a change in the household chore system. It's funny. I never really saw Steve as a leader before, but now that I've stepped back, I'm seeing that there was a strong leader hiding inside just waiting for the opportunity to take the reins.

At first, he was kind of tentative when it came to rules. In fact, he only suggested 2 rules for us to begin with (dishes done daily because it drives him up the wall if I don't and no disobedience). I suggested the third rule of not being disrespectful because it was something that really bothered me when I did it. Now that he's growing more confident in his role, he's no longer asking if we need a rule about something or waiting until I suggest one; he just makes it a rule and that's that.

I don't know if he's been reading up on DD without me noticing it or just finally allowing himself to think of the way he wants things, but he's definitely making changes. And even though I may pout or gripe about some things., I can't help but love Steve all the more for the things he does to make sure our relationship, family and home are doing well.

Now I better run because I have one chore left for the day and while I have worked on it, it's not finished yet and he'll be home from work soon.

Dana

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Having a Blah Day

I'm struggling to shake the blah today. I'm not sure why I feel this way today. It's not that I didn't get enough sleep because for last night was one of the rare ones where I actually got enough sleep. Between me being a night owl and dealing with insomnia, it's not often that I get that.

But I just don't feel like doing anything today but sitting around (now that I can comfortably again) and being lazy. I really need to get over this blah or at least get some energy to work around it. Here it is already noon and I have only done one load of laundry. I still have a bathroom to clean, a table to clear off and more laundry.

And don't forget the dishes. Since Steve made dishes a daily chore with consequences, I've been trying to do them as we go rather than face a full sink at the end of the day, but we were busy yesterday. Then a water line sprung a leak and since it was too late to get the part to fix it, he had to turn off the water to the house so I didn't have any water to do them. He made a quick run to Lowes this morning and repaired it before he left for work so I have no excuse for not going the dishes.

I know if I can't shake this blah feeling, I'm going to be paying the price tonight. I really don't want that to happen. My bottom is feeling better today and I'd like to keep it that way. But I know if I don't get my chores done, it's going to happen.

And it's not going to be nice because the spanking the other night showed Steve two things. One, I can take a harder spanking than he has been giving me (not gracefully or even quietly, but I can take it). Now that he knows that, he said to not expect the easy ones any more.

Two, even though I hate the wooden spoon, I hate the belt more. So he's decided that the belt will be used more, even if it's only at the end of a spanking with the wooden spoon to leave a lasting impression. I told him that wasn't necessary, but he disagreed. I suppose it's a good thing because that will be more of an incentive to not get in trouble, but I don't have to like it.

Dana

Monday, July 2, 2012

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Tom Petty knew what he was singing when he sang Waiting is the Hardest Part. When I woke up yesterday morning, I knew I had a spanking coming that evening. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy one. I knew it was needed.

You see, when I brought DD to my husband Steve three weeks ago, I was carrying a load of guilt. In writing him an email to explain DD and why I thought we needed it, I had to face up to a lot of things that I had done and said over the years. Even though he forgave me for all of that and said the important thing was that I was doing better now and he would make sure I continued to do good in the future, it still bothered me.

 I don't do good with guilt. It eats at me, takes away my focus. Then because my focus is on my guilt, I start backsliding, which leads to me feeling even guiltier. It turns into a cycle that gets worse every time it repeats itself.

Although I have been doing better (for the most part) and he is now stepping up if he sees me slipping, that guilt kept bugging me. I knew it was only a matter of time before the guilt took over and the cycle started. To be honest, I was surprised it hadn't already.

Most of my life, I've bottled things up. I just keep stuffing back fears, anger, hurt, all of my emotions until I can't hold back anymore. Then I explode and the person unfortunate enough to be around me wonders why something simple caused such a big ruckus.  Unfortunately, the person that gets the brunt of the explosion is usually Steve. It's not good for me and it's definitely not good for those around me.

So I've been trying to be more open about how I feel. After a few false starts, I finally told Steve how I was feeling Saturday night. We talked about it for quite a while before we both came to the conclusion that I needed to go through the consequences for those past words and actions before I could truly feel like the slate was wiped clean. Only then could I put it in the past and go forward without the guilt weighing me down and stealing my focus.

It was late by the time we finished talking and he was tired. So we decided to wait until the next evening to deal with things. Even though I was worried about what was to come. I felt more at peace knowing it would be handled. Surprisingly, I slept like a baby.

All day yesterday, I was on pins and needles. I finally understand why some women say they hate knowing in advance that a punishment is coming. It was on my mind all day. How bad would it be? What would he use? Could I handle it? Was I really thinking straight when I told him I wanted him to handle several years of bad behavior in a single spanking?

It didn't help that he seemed determined to keep it at the forefront of my mind. The statement that he hadn't forgotten when I woke up, the light tap on my bottom as he passed me in the hall, taking my hand and holding on tight when we went shopping, asking me several times through the day if I was okay (probably because I was quiet). All these things served as a reminder.

It seemed like time was both in slow motion and fast forward. On one hand, I wanted to get it behind me (no pun intended) so I wanted the day to hurry up. On the other hand, I wanted to slow things down, to have more time to prepare for what was coming.

For a while, I thought he had forgotten. He had put our daughter to bed while I read in the bedroom. Even though I knew she was asleep, he still didn't come. I found myself falling back into old patterns of getting frustrated at him because things didn't go as I expected. I fought it.

And then it was time. He came in the bedroom and in six little words (are you ready for your spanking?), took away all the frustration I was starting to feel. Then nerves took over and I questioned in my head if this is what I really wanted. Wanted, no. Needed, yes, so I stripped down and laid across his lap.

The first swat from the wooden spoon took me by surprise. While he has spanked me with it before, it's been fairly easy to take. This time, it wasn't. I'd like to say I took it gracefully, but I'd be lying. I fought it with every fiber of my being. I kicked and tried to squirm out of reach. He just pulled me back in position and gave a couple harder swats as a reminder to stay in position.

I told him it was enough. I begged him to stop. He did for a moment. But once he realized it was the shock and pain talking rather than a true release of my guilty feelings, he continued on. I didn't think it would ever end. At one point, I promised him anything I thought would work to make him stop. The only thing I didn't do was reach my hand back (a miracle).

Finally he stopped. My eyes were bright with unshed tears. Even though I wanted to and needed to cry, I just hadn't quite made it there. We were both surprised by that. We were also both surprised to learn that the pain of the spanking went away as soon as he quit swatting. Giving the bright red glow of my backside, he thought for sure it would linger a while.

As I lay in his arms with his hands gently rubbing my back, I was still processing how I felt about it. I guess I was processing out loud because right after the thought occurred to me that I would have said anything to make it stop, whether I meant it or not, he asked if I had truly let go of the guilt. And as much as I hated to admit it, I hadn't.

By this point, the spanking had been over for a good 15-20 minutes, but he told me to go get his belt. Even though we had discussed the possibility of using his belt for discipline, he hadn't done it yet. That was about to change.

I guess my nerves were obvious because he gave me a minute or two to prepare myself after I laid across his lap. I fought it at first, but it took only 10 swats (if that) before the tears started flowing. With every tear, the feelings of guilt eased. Even though I was crying at that point, I was still fighting the spanking so he kept going until I finally stopped fighting and submitted to it.

At that point, I think he realized that the guilt was finally gone. He asked, but I wasn't coherent enough for my answer to make sense. I just nodded my head. He continued on for a couple more minutes and then laid down the belt to rub my back.

I stayed across his lap until the tears slowed and then crawled up into his arms. As he held me and we talked, I realized that he was worried about my reaction, that I might be upset by the fact that he had spanked me that hard, that I might change my mind about our new dynamic.

I wasn't upset and I hadn't changed my mind. If anything, it had reinforced the idea in my mind. I had found the peace I was hoping for. I kissed him and told him I loved him, that I loved feeling secure in the knowledge that he cared enough and was strong enough to give me what I needed, even if it meant being the bad guy.

And now the slate is wiped clean. The guilt is gone and I can move forward. And yes, the pain lingered afterwards and my bottom is still a little tender this morning. But I am at peace, which is what I wanted all along.

Dana