Friday, August 31, 2012

Hurt

I've been really struggling this week. I got spanked Sunday, twice on Monday and was supposed to have been spanked on Wednesday as well, but it got put off.

I've been in a funk. I haven't been sleeping much, and when I do, it's not restful because I toss and turn. I've only been eating when Steve reminds me tells me to. I've been dealing with pretty much daily tension headaches with some migraines thrown in for variety. I haven't felt motivated to do anything. Rather than fight it, I've gave in to it and very little has been getting done.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning and she said I had anxiety that was bordering on depression. With everything going on in my life lately, she said it was a wonder I wasn't worse than I am. She prescribed some medicines that will hopefully get me back to normal soon. But in the meantime, I'm struggling.

Yesterday was a busy day for us. In the midst of things yesterday Steve asked if I had did my chores for the day and I told him I hadn't. To be honest, the thought of my chores never crossed my mind. He said something to the effect that my spanking that had been postponed from Wednesday was going to be worse now.

A little while later he said that all (DD) was beginning to feel like work. He probably didn't realize how it would make me feel when he said it, but it hurt me. He hates his job. He literally has to force himself to get up every morning to go to work, but he does it because we have bills to pay and the job market is pretty much dead here so he can't go anywhere else.


So for him to equate our relationship to his job crushed me. Due to where we were, we weren't really able to talk it out so I was left to carry out the rest of our day with that thought rattling in my head. Much later, once we arrived home and got our daughter to bed, it was still on my mind. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got and I ended up breaking down in tears.

He had to ask a few times, but I finally told him why I was upset. He didn't really understand so he was trying to tell me his point of view. Basically what he said was that DD had been working really well and he was happy with all the changes, but lately it didn't seem to be working so he felt like he had to keep working harder at it to get the same results. And since I bruise easy, he didn't want to keep spanking harder to get me to focus.

Then he pretty much left it at that and went back to what he was doing. I sat there for a few minutes and then got up to go lay down in the bedroom. About an hour later, he followed. I was still awake. He started picking at me, his solution for when I'm not myself, but I wasn't having it. I just pulled away.

When he asked if I was ready for my spanking, I told him no and made no move to undress or get in position. I was in full scale withdraw mode. Even though he made it a rule a while back that withdrawing and sulking or refusing to talk to him wasn't allowed, I did it anyway. And he let me. When one of the pills the doctor prescribed knocked me out, I fell asleep unspanked and an emotional mess.

I'm still that way this morning. When the alarm went off, I was up and gone in less than 5 minutes. I've avoided him all morning. When he left for work, we hadn't spoken or touched. He did tell me he loved me as he went out the door, but that was the extent of our connection this morning.

I'm hurt and a little angry. I'm hurt that he would think of our relationship in terms of a job when I know he hates his job. I don't want to be a job. I want him to do this because he loves me and wants things to be right in our relationship, our family and our home.

While what he said last night kinda makes sense, I'm pissed off because I feel like he's giving up because things aren't easy. DD isn't easy. It wasn't easy for me to work up the nerve to talk to him about bringing it into our marriage. It isn't easy for me to ask him to help me stay on track. It's not easy to give up control. It's not easy to sit back and let him make a decision when I disagree with him. It's not easy to submit to a spanking that I don't want, even though I know I deserve it.

Earlier this week, I was happy that he finally seemed to have caught on to consistency. He was stepping up and if I stepped out of line, he let me know it. I felt secure because I knew where the boundaries were and I knew that he would step up if I strayed outside of those lines. Even though I had got spanked and my bottom felt like a swarm of angry hornets had attacked it, I felt like we were getting somewhere.

Now I'm not so sure what to think. I know we should sit down and talk this out so we can get back to where we need to be, but I need him to meet me halfway. I need him to acknowledge that he hurt me with what he said. I need him to realize that I need him to be fully on board, through the good and the bad, so I don't feel like I'm in this all alone.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I Need a Zipper for My Mouth

Since we brought domestic discipline into our relationship, I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking. And I've had some ideas. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to share some of what I've been coming across and thinking about, only to have it backfire on me.

You see I might have let it slip that another blogger has an honest to goodness shed where she and her husband go for privacy. But I forgot we have a shed. I guess I thought I was safe because our shed is currently piled to overflowing with a bunch of stuff and there's no way we could utilize it for that purpose.

I was wrong. Steve decided that having the ability to go to the shed when we need privacy is a brilliant idea. So now he's saying that once I get the house back in order, my next major task is cleaning up the shed. He doesn't just want it cleaned out enough we can go in there without climbing over stuff either. No, he wants enough room cleared out that he can put a couch or chair in there. Call me crazy, but that sounds to me like he thinks we'll be spending enough time in there that he wants to be comfy.

And then I might have mentioned that it's frustrating sometimes having to wait on a punishment rather than just get it over, especially since he sometimes gets too tired to handle it and it gets put off until the next evening. And I might have reminded him that when I have to wait until the next day, I tend to start sliding because I figure I'm in trouble anyway.

He jumped all over that one too. Of course, that meant we had to find quieter spanking implements. While I had read about some options, I didn't want to tell him (hearing one described as very ouchie, very stingy and evil probably had something to do with that). But he had an idea of his own and it turns out the very implement I was hoping to avoid by not telling him about it was the one he thought of on his own.

And of course we can't forget about the conversation about internet time. No, I wasn't foolish enough to mention that some wives have a limit on their internet time. I might have been better off with that though.

Steve made the comment one day that he thought I might be more inclined to do my chores if I didn't have the internet to procrastinate with. He said he had considered putting a password on the modem so I couldn't get online until he gave me the password (which would only happen after my chores were done). It goes without saying that he planned to change the password daily.

I laughed at the idea and reminded him it wouldn't do much good seeing as the bill was in my name. All I had to do is call up the cable company, tell them I forgot the password and get it reset. Of course, I failed to see the other option (he didn't), which is him simply taking the modem. He hasn't done it yet and I'm being very careful to not give him a reason to make good on the threat.

While I love the openness that has come with DD, it has its downsides as well. Even though I know telling Steve about the things I'm reading or thinking is not going to bode well for me (or my bottom), I find myself just blurting them out.

I really need a zipper for my mouth.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Who Is This Man?

We're back from Walmart hon.

Okay. Did you have fun?

Oh sure, don't you know that going to Walmart is the highlight of my day?  (said sarcastically)

You know it is.

Especially when I get flirted with when waiting to check out.

What?! (sound of head connecting with underside of truck followed by a few words I'll not share here)

Well I did.

(Sound of one greasy, disgruntled man sliding out of under truck) Who was he and what did he say to you?

Just some guy, don't know who he was. It wasn't so much what he said as they way he was acting, moving in close to practically whisper in my ear.

Hmm. (I didn't think his eyes could narrow that much)

And I thought he was going to follow me out to the car.

Well did you tell him you were married?

I made sure he got a glimpse of my wedding band and mentioned my husband in our conversation.

What did he do then?

Didn't seem to faze him.


Well he's lucky I wasn't there. I would have kicked his ass for hitting on you.

Well if you were there, he probably wouldn't have done it.

Various muttering as he crawls back under the truck.




Since we brought DD into our relationship, I've been watching with fascination the changes in Steve. He's become more confident, not just as a leader, but as in himself. It's carried over from our relationship to other areas like his work and friendships.

He's become more attentive. I used to think he didn't notice how I got quiet when something was bothering me. Now he not only notices, but also asks if there's anything he can do to help. He's become more loving and affectionate. After the honeymoon stage, we touched infrequently. We still made love occasionally, but the little just because hugs and kisses, pats on the butt and holding hands went away for the most part. Now all those little things are back.

But one change I didn't see coming was him being jealous. He's never been the jealous type. I'm still friends with guys I knew before we met, a couple of which I was more than friends with, and he's never had a problem with it. A while back, one called to mention he was in town and wanted to take me out. Steve was fine with that.

I've been flirted with here and there since we've been married. A couple times it even happened right in front of him. It never fazed him. He's always just laughed it off or said it just showed he had good taste.

After our conversation, one thought kept occurring to me. Who is this man? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I liked it. I don't see myself as the type of woman guys would want to flirt with, especially when I'm carrying some extra pounds, dressed casually in a pair of baggy shorts and a tank top, with my hair a mess and wearing no makeup at all. So it was a bit of a ego boost to get flirted with.

What really made my day, though, was my husband being jealous about it. I never wanted to be with a guy that was jealous to the point I couldn't talk to a guy. My sister is married to a guy like that and he makes her miserable. She even had to quit a job she loved because her husband didn't like her working with guys.

But in the past when Steve didn't seem to care, it bothered me a little. Even though I knew he loved me, I sometimes felt like he didn't care enough to be bothered when another guy tried to hit on me. So when he got jealous yesterday, I have to confess I was thrilled. Because I'm his and he's mine, and that's the way we like it.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Finding Our Way Back

Steve and I enjoy hiking, especially if there's a beautiful waterfall or mountaintop vista at the end of the trail. Up until I got pregnant with our daughter, we hiked nearly every weekend. We still hike occasionally, but not as often as before because it's harder with a child in tow and neither one of us are in as good of shape as we were early in our relationship.

When we hike, he takes the lead and I follow. He knows I'm more likely to be looking around at the scenery than looking where I step so he gets in front of me to make sure I don't inadvertently put myself in danger or stumble over an unforeseen obstacle. He's also in the lead to give me a helping hand when the trail gets rough or we have to climb over obstacles.

I've never had a problem with this. I know he's more familiar with the woods than I am so letting him take the lead was a no-brainer for me. The one time I stepped out of my follower role, I nearly stepped on a snake because I was looking ahead at the view rather than what was right in front of me. Thankfully even though he was behind me, he was alert to the danger and saved me from what could have been a bad situation.

Since the majority of our hiking is in the woods and mountains, I would never dream of stepping off the trail he's leading me down. I know to do so could be dangerous. I could get hurt in a fall or encounter a wild animal. I could get lost. I could find myself in a situation of not having him to protect me. So I follow him.

It seems so easy on the trails, but I struggle with the same concept in our relationship. Even though I was the one that brought domestic discipline to our relationship, there are times when I have trouble letting him take the lead. Instead of following the path that he's determined is safe for us, I find myself wanting to run down a different one and I don't always think about the consequences of doing so.

If I stepped off the trail when we were hiking, he'd chase me down and bring me back to the path he had chosen for us. He'd do it because he wants to keep me safe. Normally, DD is the same for us. When I start straying from our chosen path, he leads me back. Sometimes it's with a warning or look. Sometimes it's with a lecture. And sometimes he has to apply some heat to my backside.

These last couple weeks have been stressful. It's a new trail for us and unfortunately, we didn't handle it well. Instead of calling me back right away, he's let me go and I've blazed some new trails without a thought about the potential consequences.

Even though Steve did spank me on Monday, it was a lot less than what was needed because he wasn't feeling well. He was supposed to continue the spanking the next day, but it got put off. It probably wouldn't have bothered me because I knew he was tired except he didn't say anything about it. He just came to bed, watched TV for a while and then fell asleep without mentioning it at all.

I thought for sure it would happen Wednesday morning since we had the house to ourselves, but it didn't. I was really struggling with how I was feeling and he was just too busy to notice. Between fixing the truck (which was damaged when he loaned it to a friend while we were out of town the first trip) and my car (which was damaged on the second trip by tire blowouts), he's had his hands full with mechanic work.

Even though I normally help him when he's working on our vehicles, I stayed away from him for most of the day. I came out to check on his progress early in the afternoon and he surprised me by giving me a kiss and telling me he was sorry he had been so busy and even though I probably thought he was, he wasn't mad at me.

It all came spilling out. I told him I was feeling neglected. I told him I was aggravated at having to wait several days for a spanking he promised. I told him he was lucky I was tired and not feeling up to par or he would have had a full scale rebellion on his hands (not the best thing to say to your HoH by the way). He just listened and didn't say much. Then I left to get our daughter from school.

About an hour after I got back, I heard him come in the house and ask our daughter where I was. Then he came in the bedroom where I was and sat down on the bed. He was quiet for a minute before he started asking questions and lecturing.

At first I was ticked off. I know he's been busy, but him jumping right in with a lecture after practically ignoring me all week irritated me. But the more he gently lectured about the need to get back on track, the more those feelings slipped away. While I was listening when he started, I wasn't really hearing him, but by the time he was done, I was completely open to what he was saying.

He handled it well. He knew I was frustrated by what I saw as a lack of leadership. He knew that putting things off, even for just a few hours until our daughter was in bed, would just make me angry and resentful. He knew that even though a punishment was needed, I needed reassurance that he was still leading me and loving me before we could move in that direction. And even though he couldn't really spank at that point, he made sure to give me something to tide us over until he could.

So he talked and I listened. He asked questions and I answered. He swatted a few times to punctuate a point, but it was more for effect than punishment. When he left the room, I felt calmer and a lot less rebellious. So I got up and did a few chores then joined him outside to keep him company.

By the time we finally got to bed, it was late. He told me was tired and only had enough energy to spank or make love, but not both and he preferred to make love. Even though it meant putting it off yet again, I chose to make love. It was good and it rekindled our connection to each other. When I fell asleep a little later, it was in his arms and for the first time all week, I slept like a baby and awoke feeling rested.

This morning, after I had got our daughter off to school and he got back from his doctor's appointment, we put it behind us (no pun intended). We talked for a little bit, then he handed me my pillow and got down to business. It wasn't pleasant, but we both knew it was needed. After it was over and he had comforted me, we made love again even though we normally try to keep that separate from punishment spankings. I think we both needed the connection.

Later, as we were laying in each other's arms, we talked some more. He talked about his expectations for me and for us, and the direction he wants to take us in the future. I talked about coming to the realization that when life gets crazy and everything seems out of control, that's when I need him the most to be strong, firm and loving.

It's been a bumpy road lately, but we're finding our way back.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Digging Myself a Hole

After posting the other day about my conflicted feelings, Steve and I had a talk. I talked to him about everything that was going through my mind, what I was feeling and what everyone had commented when I shared about it (thanks ladies it really helped). The conversation ended with us agreeing that as long as I didn't step too far out of line, there would no spanking until we returned home. I would be let off the hook for everything I had done so far, but he was going to do a long, thorough maintenance to get me back on track after we got back.

Since I was well aware that I had been pushing every button he had for over a week, I should have took this as an opportunity to settle down and show him I could still be submissive despite everything going on. But I didn't. Instead I started digging myself a hole.

We had car trouble on the trip, which was partially my fault. While Steve generally takes responsibility for our cars, on easy stuff like checking the oil or putting air in the tires, he lets me handle them. Most of the time I'm pretty good about it. The minor things he asks me to do are things I know how to do because my dad required me to be able to do them before I was allowed to get my license.

A month or so ago, Steve told me a couple of my tires were low and I needed to go get air in them. For some reason, I kept putting it off. It would have taken 5 minutes tops and I drive right by the store that has free air several times a day so it wasn't like it a major chore. But I didn't. I just kept right on putting it off, assuring him I would get to every time he reminded me about it. When we got ready to leave on our trip, he checked the tires, gave me a lecture when he saw I still hadn't done them and then did it himself.

But it was already too late. Since I had been driving around on those tires, it had already weakened them. We ended up having a blowout that not only resulted in the added expense of a tire, but also did some damage to my car. He fussed, gave me another lecture, but let me off the hook for it. I should have realized then I was on thin ice.

I dug my hole a little deeper. Maybe I felt safe because family was around or because we were traveling, but I kept pushing. I was no longer skirting the line of being disrespectful, but dancing right across it while sticking my tongue out and daring him to do something about it. It was silly really. I'm normally not like that, but I guess I had so much going on that I needed to get things out in some way.

Then we had another blowout and had to spend more money. He was pretty ticked at that point, but let me off the hook again. Shortly after that he said something that made me mad so I sulked. I thought I'd be slick about it and get around his rule about not talking to him when I was mad. So if he asked me a direct question, I'd answer him, but otherwise I didn't say a word. He joked with me trying to get me out of what he thought was an emotional funk, but I just ignored it.

He didn't catch on right away. When I got quiet, he just figured I was thinking about my grandmother and dealing with my emotions. We crossed one state line shortly after he ticked me off. A few hours later we passed a second one with me still going strong. We were about an hour short of the next state line when he caught on, probably because I broke my self-imposed silence to snap at him. It was then that he informed me that I would be spanked as soon as we got home and again today for maintenance. A sign started flashing in my head.


I got quiet again for the rest of the ride, but he knew that this time it was because I was worried about what was sure to be an unpleasant spanking once we arrived home. As it turns out, I didn't get spanked. By the time we got the car unloaded, got our daughter inside, ate something and got to the bedroom ourselves, it was late. I was about to fall asleep, but I was trying to stay awake because I didn't want to get him even more aggravated at me by falling asleep before he could spank me. But he was tired too so he said he'd just add it on to maintenance tonight. With that lovely thought rattling around in my head, I drifted off to a restless sleep.

I guess this morning I'd forgotten about what he said the night before. I was feeling a bit invincible.. So I gave up digging with a shovel and brought in a backhoe. I was a bit sassy, but he didn't say much. Then he started to say something and I thought he was going to fuss at me about something else so I bit his head off. I immediately apologized because I could tell I had went too far, but it was too late. He had had enough. He was done with being patient with me.


From the look on his face, it was clear that he was thinking about taking me by the arm and marching me to the bedroom for an attitude adjustment. The only thing that saved me was our daughter was awake and not feeling well. So after a few minutes of silence, he informed me I would be even more sorry tonight as soon as our daughter was asleep. Even though he had planned to let me off the hook for most of my offenses over the last week or so, that was no longer on the table. I was getting spanked for everything.

Now I have carefully put away my shovel and backhoe and will be waiting all day for what I'm sure will be a memorable spanking. Ugh! Why do I do this to myself?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Conflicted

If you read my last post, you know that right now I'm dealing with my grandmother's death. It's been a rough week and my emotions have been all over the place. Add in a visit from Aunt Flo and you'll understand why I'm contemplating investing in a tissue company. As a result, DD has taken a backseat this week. In fact, it's been pretty much non-existent.

Between feeling like I can't get enough rest and just not having any motivation at all, none of my chores have been done aside from dishes. While I haven't been overtly disrespectful, I have skirted pretty close to the line a few times.

Given the situation, Steve said he doesn't feel right about punishing me for slips right now. Aside from a very brief, very light role affirmation session earlier today, I haven't been spanked. There really hasn't even been any warnings or looks either.

I'm conflicted on what I'm feeling right now. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that he's willing to give me time to get my head back on straight before we get back in the swing of things. If he had did role affirmation on our first day home like he planned, I probably would have been overwhelmed because I had too much emotions going on to start with.

On the other hand, I'm feeling a bit disconnected. Aside from our usual morning and evening hugs and kisses, we haven't touched much. Even though he hasn't said anything about it, I know he's not touching because he doesn't want to start something I may not be up to.

Like I said before, the only time I've been spanked this week was during our role affirmation this afternoon. And while I may have submitted to it and gave him the right answers to his questions, he and I both knew that my mind wasn't really in it. I almost wish he'd kept going until he broke through the wall of emotions I'm hiding behind so he could really get to me. Instead he opted to go easy and I was left feeling like it was a pointless exercise.

We're just a hair over two months into DD so we're still very much in the learn as you go stage. Right now we're both struggling because we're not really sure how to deal with all this. He's scared of making a mistake and possibly making things worse so he's stepped back and isn't doing anything. I'm honestly not sure what I want right now so I'm just keeping quiet.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sometimes Life Knocks You on Your Ass

Life has a way of knocking you down. You'll be going along happy and secure in your life when all of a sudden life throws a punch at you. Sometimes you see it coming and can prepare to lessen the blow or dodge it altogether. Sometimes the punch comes out of nowhere and you never see it coming. Some blows knock you a little off balance and some put you on your ass.

Life's been beating the crap out of me the last few years. I've lost several loved one. We've had some health issues between the two of us and we've had several rocky financial patches. This weekend life threw the strongest punch yet. My trip away was to see my grandmother, one of the people in my life that I was closest to. She had been fighting cancer and there was a good chance she was going to beat it, but then it took a drastic turn a couple weeks ago.

We drove all night to get there. Even though we were exhausted, we were planning on going to the hospital after a brief respite from the car. We visited with family and then got ready to go. We were heading out the door when the call came.

It flattened me. The news knocked me on my ass and sent me reeling. I'm so grateful that Steve was there with me. We talk about loved ones holding us up when we're weak. This time was literal. When my legs gave out and I collapsed, he used his strength to keep me from falling face-first into the concrete sidewalk. When I sat down on the ground and couldn't get back up, he picked me up.

He's held me and comforted me when I cried. He's listened while I talked about memories and raged about the unfairness of it all. He's been careful to avoid saying any of the trite things that people say in situations like this because he knows they just piss me off.

When my emotions got the better of me and all thoughts of submission and DD flew out the window, he even let me off the hook for snapping at him despite the fact I did it several times. He did call me on it, but he didn't push it. And even though we were supposed to do role affirmation once we arrived home again, he decided to skip it because he realized as high as my emotions are running right now, I wouldn't be able to handle all the emotions it would release.

Even though the funeral is this weekend, we weren't able to stay in town the whole week. So we came home for a few days and he's making sure I can go back. And I'm hoping he can get away to go with me on this second trip because I'm not feeling that strong right now and I need his strength to get me through this. He's my rock, the one I hold onto when life is good and when life is bad.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Lead Me

Sometimes you hear something that just really hits the core of you. I heard a song like that this week. It spoke volumes to me and I played it for Steve, who felt the same way. So even though I'm out of town right now, I've scheduled this post for you in honor of our two month anniversary since bringing domestic discipline to our marriage. I hope it speaks to you like it did us.






Lead Me by Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The ABCs of TTWD

I was supposed to have left this morning on my trip and already been on the road, but thanks to a financial snag, my departure has been pushed back until tomorrow evening. There is one good thing about it, though, as now Steve and our daughter will be able to accompany me.

So I'm not going to get to see how well I can stay on track with DD while we're apart. But being stuck in a car with a kid for that long has its own challenges. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain my no punishment streak.

Anyway since I'm here, I thought I'd participate in Stormy's ABCs.



A is for accountability
B is for behavior
C is for consistency and comfort
D is for discipline
E is for effective (as in DD has been effective at bringing about changes in both of us)
F is for forgiveness
G is for go to the bedroom
H is for hope and honesty
I is for implement
J is for joint effort
K is for kisses
L is for love
M is for my man
N is for now (what I hear when I'm dragging my feet)
O is for obedience
P is for punishment
Q is for quiet spankings
R is for role affirmation and respect
S is for submission and spanking
T is for trust
U is for us
V is for vision (our vision of where we want us to be)
W is for wooden spoon
X is for X-ray vision (since he seems to know when I've got myself in trouble without even being here to see it)
Y is for yipee (what I say when I set a new record for consecutive days without getting in trouble)
Z is for zip (what I should do with my lips on days that my tongue gets ahead of my brain)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Words I Love to Hear

This morning Steve and I were talking and I realized something. Since implementing domestic discipline, I've had several slips and one heck of a slide. Adjusting to the rules and a regular schedule of chores hasn't been easy for me. Not a week has went by that I haven't got a look (you know the one I mean), a warning or a spanking. One some weeks I've got all three, sometimes more than once.

But this week has been different. I haven't broke a single rule. I'm actually ahead on my chores since I'm going out of town and won't be here to do them. And getting ahead on my chores was something I chose to do, not something Steve told me I had to do. I haven't even came close to slipping once so there's been no looks, no warnings and no spankings.

Maybe I finally found my rhythm. After all, in a couple days, we'll be celebrating two months of being in a DD relationship. It's been a difficult adjustment and I kept thinking it's bound to get easier once I get more used to having the rules.

Maybe it was the spanking I received on Saturday that finally got things to click. It was a memorable one, one that neither Steve nor myself will forget any time soon. Maybe I needed to see him commit by stepping up in a big way before I could fully commit.

Whatever the reason, this week has been smoother than any we've had since we started DD and it's been wonderful. Instead of feeling bad because I've disappointed him or being worried because I was in trouble, I've got to enjoy time with my husband-snuggling up in his arms, talking, making love, just spending time together. So this morning when we were talking, Steve said the words I love to hear.



I'm proud of you baby.



Those five little words were music to my ears. As much as I hate to admit it, I know there have been times in the past when I said or did things that upset him. Even though he didn't say it, he wasn't proud of me then. But now he is.

He's proud of me for following the rules he's set for me-the rules that are designed to keep us all happy and healthy. He's proud of me for taking the initiative to get ahead on my chores rather than take the opportunity to get out of them since I won't be here. He's proud of me for showing I can be the woman he and I both wanted me to be.

When he said those words to me this morning, I realized something. I love hearing him say he's proud of me. I love knowing that I've made him proud of me. And I want to keep hearing those words.

So when I leave in the morning, I'm going to keep those words in mind. Because even though I know it's going to be hard to maintain my submissiveness without Steve beside me, I want to make him even prouder. I want to show him (and myself) that I can do it.

And hopefully when I get back next week, I can celebrate. Because if I make it through this week away, I'll be able to say that I haven't got in trouble for two full weeks. And that's something to be proud of.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

DD When You're Apart

This week will bring a new challenge for us with domestic discipline. For the first time since starting DD, we will be apart for a full week. I have to travel out of state to deal with a family issue. Between school starting for our daughter and Steve not being able to take off work that long, I will be going alone.

We haven't been apart much in our marriage. Steve has had to work out town a couple times for a week or two. I've traveled out of state twice for family issues, but both times our daughter was with me. I do take off one weekend a year to attend a hobby convention. Other than that, I don't go off alone.

So this is going to be new for us. We've both been thinking about it ever since I found out I was going to have to go.

Obviously, I'm going to have to take more responsibility for my actions since Steve won't be with me to ensure our rules are followed. I'm also going to have to be honest about when I slip since he won't be there to see any slips.

The other issue is what a week away from his leadership is going to do to my mindset. After a week away on my own and in a leadership role while at my destination, it's going to be hard to switch gears once I arrive home again.

As it stands right now, we will be talking on the phone daily and I will be expected to immediately confess any slips. They will be dealt with once I'm home again. Role affirmation, which would have normally been carried out last night, has been moved to the night before I leave. This serves a dual purpose. It gives my bottom a little more time to fully recover from the spanking I received over this past weekend and it will also reinforce our roles before I leave.

Role affirmation will also be carried out once I arrive home again. Again, this is a dual purpose decision. It will ensure we don't skip it because I won't be home on our usual night and it will help me adjust my mindset from being on my own to being his submissive wife.

Even though there will be temptation to let DD go while I'm away, I'm not going to give in to it. Instead, I plan to take this opportunity to show Steve (and myself) that I can maintain my submissiveness to him regardless of whether he's there to catch me if I slip, regardless of whether I'm dealing with stress and regardless of the leadership role I'm going to have to take while I'm away.

There is one benefit to going away though. Steve will have to step into my role as caretaker of our daughter and our home. Every time he's had to do it before (which has never been longer than a weekend), he's always came away with a deeper appreciation of everything I do when I'm here.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Ouch!

You know how in my post the other day I mentioned getting woke up with a spanking, but being worried about a much worse one that I had coming that evening. Well I was half right. I did get the spanking, but it was postponed by a night.

You see we ended up having the house to ourselves for a few hours on Friday night. We talked briefly about the situation and Steve let me know I did have a bad spanking coming, one that would be worse than any before. But since we had some time to ourselves, he wanted to spend it doing more enjoyable activities. So we ended up making love and going out to eat.

The spanking was supposed to be carried out later that evening. It wasn't. After our daughter was back home and we'd got her to sleep, I headed for the bedroom to prepare. And I waited and waited and waited some more. Finally he came in, only to say he was tired, after which he promptly laid down and fell asleep.

Needless to say I was frustrated. I hate worrying over a spanking only to have him put it off or forget. Yesterday he still hadn't mentioned it so I was really struggling not to get upset or get rebellious. Finally I talked to him yesterday afternoon and let him know how I was feeling. He said he'd changed his mind about the spanking. I should have been happy about it, but I felt let down. Even though I was not looking forward to the spanking, I felt like it needed to be done.

So a little later I talked to Steve again about how I was feeling. I even showed him the list I had made of each instance of rule breaking and I asked if he really thought that was something that he should let go. He agreed that it did need to be done and said he'd do it. Then we went on and enjoyed the evening.

After our daughter was down for the night, I went to the bedroom to wait. When he came in, he talked about this and he talked about that, but he never mentioned the spanking. So I brought it up only to find out he was flip flopping on it again.

Even though I had messed up royally this week, he felt like I had a good excuse due to stress I was under. I'm sure the bad news I had receiving earlier in the day played a role as well. We talked about it a little more and I finally told him I couldn't move on unless it was handled and even though I was not looking forward to it, I was asking him to do it. So he got up and gathered his supplies (the wooden spoon, his belt and the hated plastic hanger), handed me the big pillow that I lay across for spankings and told me to get into position.

It was the worst spanking by far. Unlike previous spankings, this one had three stages with breaks in between each stage. Each stage was progressively worse.

It was difficult for both of us. I was in tears halfway through it and he was close to tears himself by the time it ended. I really struggled with staying in position, especially in the last stage of the spanking, but I mostly managed it. The few times I slipped, I got back into position quickly without him having to tell me to.

Because Steve hates seeing me in pain, especially pain he's caused, he really struggled with not giving in and stopping the spanking too early. During the break between the second and third stage, we talked and he was wavering a little bit about going on. Even though it was the last thing on earth I wanted given how my bottom was feeling already, I encouraged him to carry out the full punishment I had coming.

And even though I'll be sitting gently (if at all) for a few days and I'm sure my bottom has  marks, I have to admit it was effective. I will definitely think twice before I rebel this much again. To be honest, I'll probably be thinking twice about breaking any rule. Even if he is inconsistent and it's driving me up the wall, I'm going to try to somehow dig down and find that submissive place inside of me and embrace it. Because I don't ever want to go through another spanking like that, and I know that Steve has said that if it ever goes this far again, the next spanking will be worse.

Of course, now that he's saw how much damage inconsistency causes, I doubt he'll let it get that far again.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Morning Spankings Suck

You know what sucks?


Getting spanked.


You know what sucks even more?


Getting spanked in the morning.


You know what sucks the most?


Getting woke up with a spanking.


Note I did not say getting woke up for a spanking. Nope. I got brought out of a dead sleep this morning by the crack of a wooden spoon against my backside. Needless to say, I was not happy about it. I even used a word I very rarely use when I asked what it was for. Steve's response was you know what for. Ugh!

Seeing as how I had just woke up, I asked for reprieve for a minute so I handle an urgent need. He told me to come straight back and get into position. Then it started. It was not pleasant. There was no warmup. There was no pause between swats to make it easier for me to handle. It was just rapid-fire swats that had me kicking, squirming and begging him to stop.

It hurt and my bottom is still tender right now as I write this. The sad thing is that this morning's spanking was just over dishes. He had commented on them yesterday and I stupidly chose to ignore him. So when he woke up this morning and saw that I had not only not done the dishes he had commented on, but also the dishes since then, he was not pleased.

But I probably have a much worse spanking coming this evening. You see I've been slipping and sliding all week. I've been under a lot of stress and had my hands full between having a houseful of kids (babysitting) and dealing with an out of state family member's emergency (that nearly resulted in me having to go out of state to handle). Steve has been under a lot of stress as well and dealing with an injury that occurred at the beginning of the week.

It was a recipe for disaster. I've managed to break nearly every rule we have, some of them multiple times. So today after I finish my backlog of chores, I'm going to sit down and write out every rule I've broken this week. After our daughter goes to sleep tonight, we're going to sit down together and go over my list and discuss things.

I'm not looking forward to our discussion because I know once he realizes the full extent of my disobedience this week, I'm probably in for the worst punishment yet. Whatever he decides, I'm going to accept it because I know I majorly screwed up this week and I know I deserve it. But the main reason I'm going to accept it is because I love him and I hate knowing I disappointed him. I know that whatever punishment he decides for me, it will clean the slate and allow us to get back on track.

After all, that's why I brought domestic discipline to Steve. I was tired of getting caught up in the downward spiral. I was tired of feeling overwhelmed by guilt and knowing that he was simmering with resentment. I was tired of us not having something to stop things in their tracks before they went too far.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

OTK Conversations

I've always had a knack for comebacks. Since starting DD, I've tried to filter them a bit when talking to Steve because they tend to be on the sarcastic side and could easily be dubbed disrespectful. But for some reason, whenever I find myself OTK, that filter malfunctions (probably because I'm focused on the pain in my bottom rather than what's coming out of my mouth) and I can't control what comes out of my mouth.

A word of warning: Almost every one of these comebacks got me in more trouble so I wouldn't recommend trying them out. One, however, got him laughing so hard that he did stop swatting. I'll leave it to you to figure out which one and if it's worth trying.

I don't like having to spank you. I'd rather be doing more fun stuff with you.
Go with that feeling.


It's a spanking, It's supposed to hurt.
Mission accomplished. I'm getting up now.


This hurts me more than it hurts you.
You should try being on this end.


Why do you keep moving out of position? You know that means more swats.
Why do you keep swatting? You know that means I'm going to move.

 
I can't spank you with your hand in the way.
Why do you think I put it there?


Are you listening to me?
Sorry I couldn't hear you over the sound of the swats.


Do I need to get the belt?
Only if you need it to hold up your pants.




I'm doing this because I love you.
Now I know why they say love hurts.




Are you going to behave now?
Are you still holding the spoon?




Do I need to spank more?
If I have to tell you how to do it, maybe I should be holding the spoon.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

What a Weekend: Part 3

Thanks to being up so late the night before, we ended up oversleeping Sunday morning. When I woke up, I still felt that aching need for release even though Steve hadn't touched me yet. After breakfast, he brought me back to the bedroom for a quick tease (it didn't take long to get me back to the edge of orgasm).

Then we went outside to play with our daughter. And even though I had been extremely careful to be good, I managed to get myself in trouble. For something that had happened a week before no less.

You see our daughter likes to mow with her daddy. Once she started getting too big to ride on his lap, he found a small trailer that could be attached to the mower and pulled. We have an old comforter that we put in the trailer to make it more comfortable. Last week, Steve was tired after mowing so when he mentioned he had to go out and get the comfortable put up so it didn't get rained on or dirty, I offered to do it for him. But I forgot.

When he was outside trying to help our daughter catch a butterfly, he found the comforter still in the trailer. He called me over and asked about it, at which point I admitted I had forgotten about it. The problem with this is that I usually have a good memory and nine times out of ten, me forgetting something is directly related to me putting it off instead of doing it right away. This is something that drives him up the wall and we've been working on it. So I wasn't surprised when he whispered in my ears that he was going to spank me over it.

Then it seemed like he forgot about it. About an hour later, I found out he hadn't forgotten. He was just giving me time to worry over it. So he sent me off to the bedroom to get the implements out and get into position to wait for my spanking. It was about twenty minutes later before he came in to give me the spanking he had promised.



The whole situation turned out to be a learning experience. Having to wait twenty minutes while positioned over a pillow with the implements sitting right beside me as a visible reminder of what was to come gave me time to think about what I had done (or rather not done). He had never done that before and it was surprisingly effective at getting me in the right mindset. He's decided that from now on, I will be sent to the room to prepare for a spanking and think about my actions.

I thought for sure getting in trouble meant an end to my chances of him bringing me to orgasm, but he surprised me. A little later in the day, we went back to the bedroom. We started out on the bed with me going down on him while he teased with his fingers.

Then he decided it was time to work on my oral skills. It has long been a source of frustration for me that I couldn't take all of his cock in my mouth. I had tried many times over the years, but never could quite get all of it. He's above average in size and I've always found myself stopping at that last inch. And because I've always refused to let me touch my head while I gave him oral up until recently, he's never been able to push me to take more.

So I found myself kneeling on a pillow beside the bed with my fingers interlaced behind my back. He started out by letting me set the pace and keeping his hands off. After a few minutes of that, he took control, grabbing my head and urging me to take a little more. He would push me a little farther down then back off for a few strokes, then go right back. I was taking him a little deeper than I had before, but still didn't have all of him.

I could tell that he was scared to push me too far, but I really wanted to do this for him. So the next time I pulled back and let his cock slip from my mouth, I told him to push me. I think I even said something to the effect that I wanted him to use my mouth just like he does my pussy. We resumed and I guess the thought of fucking my mouth like he does my pussy finally got to him because a minute after restarting, he pushed me further than he had ever before and I found my nose being tickled by his pubic hair.

I was having to fight the gag reflex, but the sound of his moan when I finally took every inch of him got me through it. When I pulled back, we were both smiling from ear to ear. I got back to work and he kept pushing until I was able to keep him in longer. Then he told me to get up on the bed.

I climbed back up on the bed on wobbly legs. A minute later he was buried deep inside and thrusting hard and fast. He had me begging for release in just a few strokes. He kept up the torture a few more minutes and then told me I was a good girl for taking all of his cock and he wanted me to cum hard for him. The words were barely out of his mouth when it hit me, the most intense orgasm I've had in my life. By the time he got off, I was on my fourth orgasm.

We collapsed on the bed to catch our breath. But he wasn't done yet. I felt a light touch on my inner thigh and my hips rocked up seeking his touch. After several minutes of him stroking close but never touching where I wanted his hands, he finally touched and I exploded again. He kept alternating between rubbing my clit and stroking his fingers inside, taking me over the edge again and again.

I couldn't tell you how many times I got my release by the time he finally stopped, but I was one very happy, very satisfied woman at the end.

All in all, the weekend was a success. We got to try something new. We learned a little. And I definitely feel more submissive now.