Thursday, August 16, 2012

Conflicted

If you read my last post, you know that right now I'm dealing with my grandmother's death. It's been a rough week and my emotions have been all over the place. Add in a visit from Aunt Flo and you'll understand why I'm contemplating investing in a tissue company. As a result, DD has taken a backseat this week. In fact, it's been pretty much non-existent.

Between feeling like I can't get enough rest and just not having any motivation at all, none of my chores have been done aside from dishes. While I haven't been overtly disrespectful, I have skirted pretty close to the line a few times.

Given the situation, Steve said he doesn't feel right about punishing me for slips right now. Aside from a very brief, very light role affirmation session earlier today, I haven't been spanked. There really hasn't even been any warnings or looks either.

I'm conflicted on what I'm feeling right now. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that he's willing to give me time to get my head back on straight before we get back in the swing of things. If he had did role affirmation on our first day home like he planned, I probably would have been overwhelmed because I had too much emotions going on to start with.

On the other hand, I'm feeling a bit disconnected. Aside from our usual morning and evening hugs and kisses, we haven't touched much. Even though he hasn't said anything about it, I know he's not touching because he doesn't want to start something I may not be up to.

Like I said before, the only time I've been spanked this week was during our role affirmation this afternoon. And while I may have submitted to it and gave him the right answers to his questions, he and I both knew that my mind wasn't really in it. I almost wish he'd kept going until he broke through the wall of emotions I'm hiding behind so he could really get to me. Instead he opted to go easy and I was left feeling like it was a pointless exercise.

We're just a hair over two months into DD so we're still very much in the learn as you go stage. Right now we're both struggling because we're not really sure how to deal with all this. He's scared of making a mistake and possibly making things worse so he's stepped back and isn't doing anything. I'm honestly not sure what I want right now so I'm just keeping quiet.

7 comments:

  1. What I've learned in the past year is that often in stressful and emotional circumstances I need Michael to step up, not step back. I need him to be there for me, to be the strong one, to reel me in, to pull me back from the edge of the cliff. However, there has to be a gentleness along with the firmness. For instance, I may need him to rub my back and talk to me before he spanks. It's like he needs to soften me some first in some way so that I can be receptive to him. He can't just jump in, that would make things worse. It can be a bit of a balancing act I'm afraid. And maybe you'll find it's not the same for you as it is for me, but I just thought I'd share. (((hugs))) Hang in there Dana and if you think you need something from him, don't be afraid to ask.

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    1. Grace...Dana....I could have written both of these myself. We just went through this scenario tonight. I have had three days of being off and tonight he finally spanked me. I wish he would not have waited so long, but I think he too wants to give me time to work it out. I need/want him to be more firm. Grace, you said something about him needing to "soften" you a little bit first so you are more receptive. This is me to a T. I ended up going 3 rounds tonight because I could not get in the right frame of mind. Any suggestions on how I can make this better? It is good to know I am not the only one :)

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    2. Thanks ladies. I think you hit the nail on the head. Right now I'm feeling like everything is out of control so him stepping up and reminding me that he has the lead would help a lot. But I need the softening up part too.

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    3. Lucy, I'm afraid that's something the two of you are going to have to sort out. Sometimes I need to say something to Michael so that he knows I'm not just trying to get out of a spanking, but that I need something more from him for me to be able to accept it and for us to end up in a better place afterward. But sometimes he recognizes it himself now, sometimes even before I do. I'm sorry I'm not much help.

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  2. Just thinking of you as you have so many life situations happening at once. I can see how you would be conflicted. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your husband will lean on each other and come out on the other side stronger and better.

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  3. So sorry to hear about your loss

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  4. Dana, I am sorry for your loss. We are also new to DD and I have no words of wisdom but please know that I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers! Just remember to let your husband know what you need from him because he can't read your mind. ((HUGS))

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