Thursday, August 23, 2012

Finding Our Way Back

Steve and I enjoy hiking, especially if there's a beautiful waterfall or mountaintop vista at the end of the trail. Up until I got pregnant with our daughter, we hiked nearly every weekend. We still hike occasionally, but not as often as before because it's harder with a child in tow and neither one of us are in as good of shape as we were early in our relationship.

When we hike, he takes the lead and I follow. He knows I'm more likely to be looking around at the scenery than looking where I step so he gets in front of me to make sure I don't inadvertently put myself in danger or stumble over an unforeseen obstacle. He's also in the lead to give me a helping hand when the trail gets rough or we have to climb over obstacles.

I've never had a problem with this. I know he's more familiar with the woods than I am so letting him take the lead was a no-brainer for me. The one time I stepped out of my follower role, I nearly stepped on a snake because I was looking ahead at the view rather than what was right in front of me. Thankfully even though he was behind me, he was alert to the danger and saved me from what could have been a bad situation.

Since the majority of our hiking is in the woods and mountains, I would never dream of stepping off the trail he's leading me down. I know to do so could be dangerous. I could get hurt in a fall or encounter a wild animal. I could get lost. I could find myself in a situation of not having him to protect me. So I follow him.

It seems so easy on the trails, but I struggle with the same concept in our relationship. Even though I was the one that brought domestic discipline to our relationship, there are times when I have trouble letting him take the lead. Instead of following the path that he's determined is safe for us, I find myself wanting to run down a different one and I don't always think about the consequences of doing so.

If I stepped off the trail when we were hiking, he'd chase me down and bring me back to the path he had chosen for us. He'd do it because he wants to keep me safe. Normally, DD is the same for us. When I start straying from our chosen path, he leads me back. Sometimes it's with a warning or look. Sometimes it's with a lecture. And sometimes he has to apply some heat to my backside.

These last couple weeks have been stressful. It's a new trail for us and unfortunately, we didn't handle it well. Instead of calling me back right away, he's let me go and I've blazed some new trails without a thought about the potential consequences.

Even though Steve did spank me on Monday, it was a lot less than what was needed because he wasn't feeling well. He was supposed to continue the spanking the next day, but it got put off. It probably wouldn't have bothered me because I knew he was tired except he didn't say anything about it. He just came to bed, watched TV for a while and then fell asleep without mentioning it at all.

I thought for sure it would happen Wednesday morning since we had the house to ourselves, but it didn't. I was really struggling with how I was feeling and he was just too busy to notice. Between fixing the truck (which was damaged when he loaned it to a friend while we were out of town the first trip) and my car (which was damaged on the second trip by tire blowouts), he's had his hands full with mechanic work.

Even though I normally help him when he's working on our vehicles, I stayed away from him for most of the day. I came out to check on his progress early in the afternoon and he surprised me by giving me a kiss and telling me he was sorry he had been so busy and even though I probably thought he was, he wasn't mad at me.

It all came spilling out. I told him I was feeling neglected. I told him I was aggravated at having to wait several days for a spanking he promised. I told him he was lucky I was tired and not feeling up to par or he would have had a full scale rebellion on his hands (not the best thing to say to your HoH by the way). He just listened and didn't say much. Then I left to get our daughter from school.

About an hour after I got back, I heard him come in the house and ask our daughter where I was. Then he came in the bedroom where I was and sat down on the bed. He was quiet for a minute before he started asking questions and lecturing.

At first I was ticked off. I know he's been busy, but him jumping right in with a lecture after practically ignoring me all week irritated me. But the more he gently lectured about the need to get back on track, the more those feelings slipped away. While I was listening when he started, I wasn't really hearing him, but by the time he was done, I was completely open to what he was saying.

He handled it well. He knew I was frustrated by what I saw as a lack of leadership. He knew that putting things off, even for just a few hours until our daughter was in bed, would just make me angry and resentful. He knew that even though a punishment was needed, I needed reassurance that he was still leading me and loving me before we could move in that direction. And even though he couldn't really spank at that point, he made sure to give me something to tide us over until he could.

So he talked and I listened. He asked questions and I answered. He swatted a few times to punctuate a point, but it was more for effect than punishment. When he left the room, I felt calmer and a lot less rebellious. So I got up and did a few chores then joined him outside to keep him company.

By the time we finally got to bed, it was late. He told me was tired and only had enough energy to spank or make love, but not both and he preferred to make love. Even though it meant putting it off yet again, I chose to make love. It was good and it rekindled our connection to each other. When I fell asleep a little later, it was in his arms and for the first time all week, I slept like a baby and awoke feeling rested.

This morning, after I had got our daughter off to school and he got back from his doctor's appointment, we put it behind us (no pun intended). We talked for a little bit, then he handed me my pillow and got down to business. It wasn't pleasant, but we both knew it was needed. After it was over and he had comforted me, we made love again even though we normally try to keep that separate from punishment spankings. I think we both needed the connection.

Later, as we were laying in each other's arms, we talked some more. He talked about his expectations for me and for us, and the direction he wants to take us in the future. I talked about coming to the realization that when life gets crazy and everything seems out of control, that's when I need him the most to be strong, firm and loving.

It's been a bumpy road lately, but we're finding our way back.

2 comments:

  1. It sounds like you've come full circle. I imagine you both feel much better and much more connected now. Michael and I have had similar experiences. (((hugs)))

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    1. Even though it's been a difficult time, I think we both learned from the experience. Our connection has been stronger since we brought DD into our relationship, but I think going through this has taken us to a higher level. And yes, we both feel better.

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