Friday, August 31, 2012

Hurt

I've been really struggling this week. I got spanked Sunday, twice on Monday and was supposed to have been spanked on Wednesday as well, but it got put off.

I've been in a funk. I haven't been sleeping much, and when I do, it's not restful because I toss and turn. I've only been eating when Steve reminds me tells me to. I've been dealing with pretty much daily tension headaches with some migraines thrown in for variety. I haven't felt motivated to do anything. Rather than fight it, I've gave in to it and very little has been getting done.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning and she said I had anxiety that was bordering on depression. With everything going on in my life lately, she said it was a wonder I wasn't worse than I am. She prescribed some medicines that will hopefully get me back to normal soon. But in the meantime, I'm struggling.

Yesterday was a busy day for us. In the midst of things yesterday Steve asked if I had did my chores for the day and I told him I hadn't. To be honest, the thought of my chores never crossed my mind. He said something to the effect that my spanking that had been postponed from Wednesday was going to be worse now.

A little while later he said that all (DD) was beginning to feel like work. He probably didn't realize how it would make me feel when he said it, but it hurt me. He hates his job. He literally has to force himself to get up every morning to go to work, but he does it because we have bills to pay and the job market is pretty much dead here so he can't go anywhere else.


So for him to equate our relationship to his job crushed me. Due to where we were, we weren't really able to talk it out so I was left to carry out the rest of our day with that thought rattling in my head. Much later, once we arrived home and got our daughter to bed, it was still on my mind. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got and I ended up breaking down in tears.

He had to ask a few times, but I finally told him why I was upset. He didn't really understand so he was trying to tell me his point of view. Basically what he said was that DD had been working really well and he was happy with all the changes, but lately it didn't seem to be working so he felt like he had to keep working harder at it to get the same results. And since I bruise easy, he didn't want to keep spanking harder to get me to focus.

Then he pretty much left it at that and went back to what he was doing. I sat there for a few minutes and then got up to go lay down in the bedroom. About an hour later, he followed. I was still awake. He started picking at me, his solution for when I'm not myself, but I wasn't having it. I just pulled away.

When he asked if I was ready for my spanking, I told him no and made no move to undress or get in position. I was in full scale withdraw mode. Even though he made it a rule a while back that withdrawing and sulking or refusing to talk to him wasn't allowed, I did it anyway. And he let me. When one of the pills the doctor prescribed knocked me out, I fell asleep unspanked and an emotional mess.

I'm still that way this morning. When the alarm went off, I was up and gone in less than 5 minutes. I've avoided him all morning. When he left for work, we hadn't spoken or touched. He did tell me he loved me as he went out the door, but that was the extent of our connection this morning.

I'm hurt and a little angry. I'm hurt that he would think of our relationship in terms of a job when I know he hates his job. I don't want to be a job. I want him to do this because he loves me and wants things to be right in our relationship, our family and our home.

While what he said last night kinda makes sense, I'm pissed off because I feel like he's giving up because things aren't easy. DD isn't easy. It wasn't easy for me to work up the nerve to talk to him about bringing it into our marriage. It isn't easy for me to ask him to help me stay on track. It's not easy to give up control. It's not easy to sit back and let him make a decision when I disagree with him. It's not easy to submit to a spanking that I don't want, even though I know I deserve it.

Earlier this week, I was happy that he finally seemed to have caught on to consistency. He was stepping up and if I stepped out of line, he let me know it. I felt secure because I knew where the boundaries were and I knew that he would step up if I strayed outside of those lines. Even though I had got spanked and my bottom felt like a swarm of angry hornets had attacked it, I felt like we were getting somewhere.

Now I'm not so sure what to think. I know we should sit down and talk this out so we can get back to where we need to be, but I need him to meet me halfway. I need him to acknowledge that he hurt me with what he said. I need him to realize that I need him to be fully on board, through the good and the bad, so I don't feel like I'm in this all alone.

2 comments:

  1. It's hard sometimes to try to see things from their point of view, to understand where they're coming from. And sometimes words just hurt, whether that was their intention or not. It sounds like you're in a tough place right now emotionally speaking and I think that's understandable. You've had a lot going on, a lot to deal with. You need to give yourself some grace...but I think you need to give Steve some too. He may be unsure of how to help you right now.

    I know sometimes Michael has stepped back when what I really needed was him to step up. He didn't do so to hurt me or neglect me, but because he was unsure and he didn't want to make matters worse. Being the leader isn't an easy job, just as being submissive isn't.

    I hope the meds help and the two of you get to talk and come back together again soon. (((hugs))) Hang in there Dana!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Grace. I think I fell into the trap of only looking at how things are affecting me. I forget that when I'm not okay, it affects everyone around me. And since Steve is the one person I feel secure enough to let go with, he gets the brunt of things.

      I ended up calling him a little while ago. He was busy when I called, but as soon as he could take a break, he called me back and we talked for a few minutes. He's promised that he'll make some time tonight so we can sit down and work it out.

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