Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Finding Forgiveness

Since bring domestic discipline into our relationship, finding forgiveness hasn't been a problem. I make mistakes, take the consequences, get forgiveness and move on. Until now.

Last night Steve and I were talking and I admitted to him that I still felt bad over why I got spanked Monday night. In a move that surprised both of us, I had lied to him. It wasn't a whopper of a lie, but a lie nonetheless. He had asked if I did my chores for the day and I told him yes because I honestly believed I had done everything I was supposed to.

Then he went down the list asking about each specific chore and it was then that I realized I had forgot one. Instead of admitting it, I lied. Our conversation went something like this:

You did your chores?

Yes.

All of them?  

Yes.

The dishes?  

Yes.

The laundry?  

Yes.

The dusting?  

(hesitation) Sure.

So you found the duster? (I had mentioned that morning that it wasn't where I usually keep it so I had to find it)

Ummm. No.

Then what did you dust with?

(Silence)

You didn't dust, did you? 

No, I forgot. I'm sorry I lied about it.


He spanked me for it, making it crystal clear that lying to him was unacceptable and would not be tolerated. It was not an easy spanking, but rather one that seemed to go on and on and on. When it was over and I was curled up in his arms, he said I was forgiven.

That should have been the end of it. But it wasn't. Steve may have forgiven me, but I'm having trouble forgiving myself.

I'm not normally someone who lies. For one, I'm terrible at it. I nearly always give myself away. If you and I met in person today and I told you a lie, chances are you would be able to tell right away. Even if you didn't, I'd feel so guilty about lying that I'd probably confess immediately.

The second reason, the more important one, is that I've always believed that lying to someone shows a lack of respect for that person. I respect my husband so there's no reason to lie to him.

So even though I got punished for lying, I'm still having trouble with the fact that I did it in the first place. Mainly because it's not something I typically do. When I told Steve how I was feeling, he just said that he had already forgiven me. He also reminded me that this is part of why I brought DD to him, so I could stop the guilt cycle by dealing with the consequences of my actions, get forgiveness and move on to do better in the future.

He didn't offer to spank again and I didn't ask for it. To be honest, I don't think another spanking is the answer. This is something I need to get right in my mind.

Do you ever have trouble forgiving yourself for a mistake after your HoH has forgiven you for it?

1 comment:

  1. Occasionally yes, especially if I have to wait for a spanking. I don't deal well with guilt, but usually after a spanking I'm OK. Sore of course, but ok. The one time I felt really bad was when he was still getting to grips with actually punishing me. He scolded me for something, I forget what, and then forgave me. I didn't feel forgiven though, and actually ended up asking him for a spanking. I think I need something more than just words to alleviate the guilt and thankfully (after me explaining it in a roundabout fashion) he's picked up on it and since most of my misbehaviour ends up warranting a spanking anyway there's not been a problem since. At least nothing major. I did feel rather guilty after the last punishment but he made sure to cuddle me until I'd worked my way through it and kept telling me I was forgiven. That helped.

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