Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Disconnected and Frustrated

If you've been following along here, you know that sometimes Steve puts off punishments for a few days and then ends up forgoing them altogether. He always says he doesn't feel right punishing for something that happened days before. While I understand what he's saying, it's frustrating waiting days with it hanging over my head only to have nothing happen. Even worse, because nothing happens, I end up feeling guilty because it was left unresolved.

Which leads us to the conversation we had the other night. From little comments Steve has made here and there, I've suspected that he felt just as unresolved as I did. Every time I'd ask him about it, he'd say it wouldn't be fair to me if he changed his mind after telling me I was off the hook, but he would never say if he was feeling unresolved about those punishments.

Finally the other night he admitted he did feel unresolved. I told him I felt the same. So we talked about it for a while and agreed that we needed something so we could both move on from those missed punishments. Since Monday's role affirmation was only a couple days away, we decided to wait until then.

Then there was yesterday. We went to bed last night and initially it seemed like he had forgot, but then he remembered it was Monday. First he wanted to try a new position, me laying with my upper body on the bed and my legs hanging down. He also wanted me to count, something he's never made me do before. On a side note, whatever genius came up with the idea to put spanking videos on a website that sells implements needs a swift kick in their hindquarters. Steve got way too many ideas.

The new position didn't work for us because my feet kept sliding (socks are slick on a hardwood floor). Since we were both afraid he'd inadvertently hit the wrong spot because of me sliding, we ditched that position and went back to the tried and true over the pillow position.

The counting part really sucked for me because I have enough of my mind with the burning in my bottom to keep up with what number he's on. Steve ended up stopping at 25 swats with the wooden spoon, which surprised me because although I had never counted before, I was pretty sure there were more swats than that usually.

I lay there for a few minutes waiting for him to continue, but he never did. Finally I asked if that was it and he said he thought that was enough because I'd been good lately. A lot of thoughts were swirling around in my head so I got up to think about things and try to get my thoughts straight so I could talk to him.

One, it felt very disconnected. From the very first role affirmation when I told him that I needed to be talked to during it, he's made a point to do it. He talks about slips I've had, why they're not good for us and the direction he wants to see us going. This time was different. He didn't say a word other than to remind me to stay still or keep the count. I ended up feeling like the spanking had no purpose.

Two, I'm frustrated because I don't feel like he handled those issues we both felt unresolved on. So I've waited a couple days yet again only to have him not do it again. It was bad enough the first time he let stuff go, but for him to do it again after we had talked and agreed to deal with it really bugs me.

The combination of things left me feeling rebellious. It also had me wanting to do something to provoke some reaction. But I fought down those feelings and did the right thing. Yay me! I went back in the bedroom a little later to talk to Steve about what I was feeling, but ended up not saying anything because I was afraid my frustration would spill out.

So here I am today still trying to get all my thoughts straight. I know I need to talk to him about what I'm feeling, but I also know I need to do it the right way. I don't want him to feel like he let me down or that he failed at being HoH. I know it's a role he's still growing into and there's bound to be growing pains so I'm trying really hard to be patient and supportive of his efforts.


  1. Hey Dana

    As you know I don't have any expertise in solving this type of situation. I find that sometimes I have to write my thoughts down and hand them to Barney. I know you've done this before. Perhaps just get him to read this post. It was very well written and does not attack him, or put him in a negative light- at least I don't thinks so anyway.

    I am actually going to ask Barney to read it before our next maintenence 'outing'.

    Good luck to you


    1. Thanks Wilma. Sometimes it's easier for me to write out what I'm feeling rather than say it. It gives me an opportunity to process my thoughts and get them in order so they come out right. If I go straight to talking, sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain and I end up saying stuff a little more bluntly than I intend.

  2. I to don't have any expertise in this type of situation but I agree with Wilma, let him read this post. It seems to express all your feelings frustration but does not attack Steve.
    Good Luck to the both of you!

    1. Thanks Emma. I'm going to talk to him tonight and probably read this post to him as well.

    2. I wish you all the best!

  3. Hi Dana,
    I don't know what I am doing either, but communication is never a bad thing. I just want to interject a tiny, little word of caution about trying to micromanage your hoh. Sometimes, they can feel like one is trying to control the situation.
    I am sure you know how to best talk with your hubby on things, so you should do what you think is right, just wanted to give you a little heads up on the controlling issue.

    1. Thanks Lillie. You hit it right on the head what I was thinking. I wanted to let him know how I felt, but didn't want to come across as telling him he didn't do things right or should be doing things my way. There's a fine line there and I wanted to stay on the right side of it.

      We did end up talking a little while ago. It turns out he felt the same about the counting. He said it interfered with us talking during the spanking. As for the unresolved issues, we both agreed to let it go. He did promise to try not to delay things unless absolutely necessary and if a delay was necessary, take care of things at the first opportunity.

      It was a good talk and I'm glad I waited. If I had talked to him last night, it probably wouldn't have went as well. By writing things down and spending the day thinking about it, I was able to talk to him without letting frustration carry the conversation.


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