Monday, November 19, 2012

All or Nothing

A couple recent posts have got me thinking. They got me thinking about truth and honesty in our relationship and how even an innocent-seeming fib can lead to problems.

When I first brought domestic discipline to Steve and asked him if he would be willing to consider it, I suggested we do it for a trial period. In his wisdom, he said we wouldn't be giving it our all if we knew it was just temporary so it was all or nothing. So we agreed to give it our all.

And I did. Or at least I thought I did. Like most of us, I had this picture in my head about how this all was going to go. When Steve didn't quite do things the way I expected, I decided to step up and change some things. It wasn't an overt move, but a more sneaky attack.

I manipulated him. When I wanted him to be all sweet and loving, I was sweet and loving. When I wanted needed a spanking, I took advantage of nearly eight years together and pushed his buttons. With a few insidious moves, I yanked the control right away from him without him ever being the wiser.

There's more. I'm sure I'm not the only one that's tried to save their hide from a spanking. Him letting me off the hook because I say I have a headache is okay. Me letting him assume I mean a migraine isn't.

Him stopping a spanking because I appear to have had enough is fine. Me kicking and squirming, while carrying on like a banshee so he thinks I'm in more pain than I am isn't. I'd like to say these things aren't lies, but the fact is they are. I'm misleading him.


It gets worse. You see I've been hiding a big secret from him. A few months ago when my life got thrown in an uproar, I built a wall. Pushing back emotions is a long-standing tactic of mine and the wall just sort of popped up one day when I couldn't deal with the emotional upheaval I was going through.

At first, I didn't want to take down that wall. It was my buffer between pain and hurt and sadness. I chose not to notice that it made it hard for Steve to get through to me and led to frustration on both of our parts.

The longer that wall has stood, the harder it has become to get rid of. I haven't cried in months. I come close but can't let go of that last little bit that holds me back. Where a spanking used to always refresh that submissive spirit I need for this all to work, it no longer does. I come up from a spanking frustrated at myself for not getting there and frustrated at Steve for not seeing I'm not there.

I'm not the only one that's frustrated either. Steve commented the other week that it doesn't seem to be working as well as it did before. He spanks and I turn right around and do the same thing again. He hasn't caught on to the fact there's a wall separating us and that's why he doesn't get through to me. I haven't told him.


Trust is the foundation of every relationship, especially a domestic discipline relationship. Our HoHs trust us to be open with them so they know if there's a problem. They trust us to be honest in our actions and reactions to them so they have a basis for making decisions about how to proceed with us.

I've jeopardized that trust by not being honest. In doing so, I've put our relationship on shaky ground. Even if he doesn't know it, I do and I need to make it right. It's time I truly gave it my all. Otherwise, we have nothing. 




6 comments:

  1. Hello fellow manipulator :) (I was going to say "fellow fibber" but I didn't want you to take offence)
    Welcome to the dark side.
    I think I can honestly say that I know how you feel and it isn't the greatest feeling ever to consider that you may have been jeopardizing this lifestyle with your husband, and worse to accept that you have manipulated him at his most vulnerable.

    The great thing about this realization, Dana, is of course that you realized it. You did the litmus test, and although it was positive for manipulation and sneakiness you emerged from the test site with resolve.

    I personally think that it would be easy to exist in the state of mild HoH manipulation for years, if you never had the epiphany and decided to do something about it. So that in itself is a big victory.

    After I spilled my guts and buckets of tears all over Ian, he said - "That's it - it is out there and over. No one gets to shoulder the guilt, we are just acknowledging it and moving forward." And then he related it to a story about WW1.......but the point is moving forward, smarter and more aware of your weaknesses.

    The nature of the HoH makes it somewhat easy (it is wrong, but easy) to reconcile the idea of putting one ever so slightly over on him, but in my case, I can now see that it was a passive/aggressive way to express my resentment for punishment and maintenance. I have had to really think about those things in terms of what they are to the bigger picture, and not view them in the moment.

    I should have started this post, "Congratulations, Dana" because I really think it is a benchmark of growth and it indicates a desire to invest yourself more emotionally in your marriage and give your husband a part of you he hasn't had.

    Thanks for the honest post.
    Hugs and Love
    lillie

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    1. Lillie, your post was one of the two that got me thinking. I'm sure you can guess who wrote the other one. I've read and re-read both of your posts a number of times and keep finding myself going back for another look.

      It was a painful realization to come to. Like you, I brought the concept of DD to Steve. I wanted it. I asked for it. Yet I was carrying on a covert mission to control it.

      Now I just have to find to tell Steve. I tried last night, but just couldn't get the words out. I'm going to try again tonight.

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  2. Good luck in finding your words to talk to Steve Dana. You were brave enough to blog about it, in essence outing yourself so you have little choice but to tell him. That was very brave of you.

    I have no doubt this will make your relationship stronger. Steve has already sensed something is wrong, and you will most likely feel 'lighter' once you let him know...also once you stop trying to control everything ( *ahem* bows my head ).

    We all learn from each other so thank you for sharing

    Willie

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    1. Well I tried Willie. I was having trouble getting the words out. Then when I finally started talking, his pain pill had kicked in and judging by the way he was mumbling, I seriously doubt he would remember anything I said. Hopefully I'll have better luck today.

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  3. Dana, it was brave of you to post this, thank you for sharing.

    The good thing is that you had the courage to look deep inside and recognised what you were doing, and that you need to talk to Steve. I agree with Lillie, it is a benchmark of personal growth and it will bring growth to your relationship once work it through with Steve.

    This is a journey of personal self discovery and growth and well as being a journey of self discovery and growth as a couple. I think we all start out with our own ideas of what the reality of living this lifestyle will lead to and it is a huge adjustment, and perhaps a bit of a shock as our husband starts to feel their way and things start to become more 'real'.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. I'm finding it's a process for both of us. We got for a bit, stop, talk, make adjustments and go some more. Maybe one of these days we'll finally get things right.

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