There's something about monotonous chores that frees your mind. Every time I do dishes or fold laundry, my mind wanders. Some of my best thinking is done while my hands are busy and my mind is free. Yesterday was no different.
Yesterday's chore was to clean the den. I had been putting off this chore because the den is a huge room, the biggest in the house. Since it serves multiple purposes (home office, personal library, craft room, our daughter's homework area, the dogs' eating, playing and sleeping area), the room tends to be one of the messier ones in the house so it takes a while to clean. It's a high traffic area between us and the dogs so the floor is the worst of the mess.
I put it off as long as I could. I worked on dusting, straightening, picking up various things and returning them to where they were supposed to be and sweeping. Finally I was down to just the floor so I gritted my teeth and got to it. As I was on my hands and knees scrubbing away at the floor, I was thinking. About halfway through the room, I had an epiphany.
The wall I built a while back has got a lot of blame for the problems we've had. It got blamed for me not being able to open up fully. It got blamed for Steve not getting through to me. While the wall is something that needs to come down, it's shouldn't be taking all the blame.
You see Steve and I have been lying to ourselves. He spanks and because he doesn't like to see me in pain, he sometimes stops sooner than he should. He tells himself it was enough even though he knows in his heart that it wasn't.
I add to the problem by not admitting to myself or to him that it wasn't enough. Spankings hurt and the last thing I want to do is tell him I need more. I know I should, but I don't.
And it starts a cycle. When things don't work out, it's clear that the spanking wasn't enough. Rather than admit it, we do the same thing all over again. And the cycle continues, leaving both of us frustrated.
Now I know one of you is probably going to tell me I need to talk to him or at least write a letter. I'm happy to say that I already did it and this time our communication skills worked better.
Last night as we were laying in bed, he curled up behind me. My pain meds were starting to kick in and Steve was rubbing my back because I was hurting. I had been hurting before I started cleaning and after spending so much time scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees, I was in major pain.
I was starting to feel relaxed and since he was behind me instead of looking at me, it was easier to let down my guard and open up. So we talked it out and hopefully the next time a spanking is needed, we'll both be more honest about whether it's enough or not.