This morning I finally worked up the nerve to tell Steve the thoughts that had been weighing on my mind and heart these past few days. To say it didn't go as planned would be an understatement. It was a disaster of epic proportions.
I guess I had this picture in my head of how it would all work out. I'd finally get my nerve up and talk to him about everything. He'd hold me and be supportive. He'd tell me it was okay and we would get through this. Then we'd talk some more about it and figure out where we were going to go from here.
That's not what happened. At first, we were both calm. He said we needed to get through that wall and I thought that meant he was ready to help and we would get through it together. But then he basically tossed the whole problem in my lap. I was upset at his lack of support and then he got angry.
Steve lashed out and said some things that cut me pretty deep. I'll spare you all the details, but suffice it to say that what was said was something he knew would hurt me. Why is it that we always use the things that hurt the most when fighting with the ones we love?
I was hurt and angry and I lashed out too. We fought the entire time he was getting ready for work. When he went out the door, I got the last word in, yelling "well f**k you!" just before the door slammed shut. He didn't respond and we haven't spoken since.
I know keeping a secret of this magnitude wasn't good for us or for our relationship. I know I needed to tell him what was going on so he understood what was going inside my head. I know we needed to talk so we could fix things instead of leaving things the way they were. But I never expected things to go the way they did today.
I almost wish I had kept my mouth shut. Sure it was weighing on me and
we both knew something wasn't right. But if I hadn't said anything, we
wouldn't have fought this morning. He wouldn't have said the things he
did. I wouldn't be hurting right now.
I don't know where to go from here. I thought we were in this together,
but it doesn't feel like it right now. It feels like he said "This is your problem. You deal with it." and then walked away. Of course. that's pretty much what he did. He walked away without saying that he needed time to think about things. He walked away without touching me.
Maybe I had unrealistic
expectations. After all, I'm not even completely sure what I need. How
is he supposed to know? The only thing I know is that whatever I needed,
it wasn't there. There was just hurt and anger.
Maybe I was asking too much of him. Is it really fair to him to ask him to lead me if I'm not willing to give up the reins completely and quit trying to control things? Can he really lead if I'm not giving my all to him, to us?
The whole reason I brought domestic discipline to Steve was to help us grow closer, to repair the problems we had, a lot that came from my destructive behaviors. But right now we don't feel close at all.
We feel very far apart and I miss the man I've gotten to know these past few months. I miss the man who held me when my world fell apart a few months ago, the man that supported me when I was weak, the man who showed me that we can get through anything if we face it together. I miss my husband.