Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Distance

The problem with domestic discipline is that it brings closeness. I know that doesn't sound like a problem, but it is, at least sometimes. You see one you've experienced the closeness and intimacy that DD brings, you don't want to see it disappear. You don't want to go back to the way things were before.

Distance can come in a variety of ways. Maybe one of you is traveling away from home for business or visiting friends or family. Maybe you've fought over something. Maybe a hurtful word was said, whether intentional or unintentional.

Since you've experienced new heights of closeness, this distance is felt more acutely. In the past before you learned how great that closeness really is, the distance may have been noticed. But you wouldn't realize exactly how much it hurts to not have those intimate talks, those little touches, the comfort of curling up in each other's arms at night.

I get a lot from music. Most people that know me can figure out my mood simply by paying attention to what I'm listening to. For instance, if I'm listening to Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff, it's best to leave me alone because I'm in a bad mood. Yesterday and today, one song has been on my mind a lot, Faith Hill's It Matters to Me. The chorus especially speaks to me.

When we don't talk.
When we don't touch.
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love.
It matters to me.

When I don't know what to say.
Don't know what to do.
Don't know if it really even matters to you.
How can I make you see?
It matters to me.

 
Yesterday I was more hurt than angry. I was hurt that he didn't understand that I was pouring my heart out to him. I was hurt that he chose to say what he did. I was hurt that he walked away instead of comforting me.

Today I'm angry. I'm angry that he's acting like nothing happened, like he didn't shatter me yesterday with hurtful words as he walked away. I'm angry that he doesn't seem to notice this distance between us, or if he does, that he doesn't care that it is there.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm a little angry that he's not donning his HoH hat. That he's not saying that's enough, quit avoiding me and sit down so we can talk this out. That he's not telling me this distance is bad for us and he's not going to let it go on one second longer.

But I have faith that we will get through this. We've been through rough patches before. While it may have been dark and stormy, we've always come through to the sunshine on the other side. And we've learned from the experience and came out stronger than before. Because you can't have a rainbow without the rain. It brings to mind another song, The Oak Ridge Boys' It Take a Little Rain (To Make Love Grow).
It takes a little rain
To make love grow.
It's the heartache and the pain
That makes a real heart show.
When the sun always shines
There's a desert below.
It takes a little rain
To make love grow.

14 comments:

  1. I think it's part of man code that if they do something wrong, once they calm down and realize they were wrong, they have to try to act like everything's ok just in case they can get by without dealing with it. :) He will come around, probably soon.

    Hang in there,
    Lisa

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    1. Thanks Lisa and congrats on finding the nerve to comment.

      You may be onto something with the man code. Thinking back, this is how he's handled conflict in the past. He starts picking at me, trying to get me out of the mood I'm in. It used to work. I'd be happy he was making some effort and I'd give in. I don't want to give in any more. I want him to talk to me, not pick at me. Otherwise, we're just sweeping things under the rug where they can trip us up later.

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  2. Oh Dana, I know this isn't very helpful, but I am so right there with you at the moment. No major blow out, but EVERYthing else is the same :)- As I sit here tears streaming down my face.

    There is one positive part to your post, that you should hold on to...

    "But I have faith that we will get through this"

    It may not seem like much, but at the moment, to me that speaks volumes!

    BIG, sloppy wet hugs

    Willie

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    1. I'm sorry you're also hitting a rough patch Willie. I know it's tough. I'm holding onto that faith right now. It's the only thing keeping me from coming totally unglued.

      Hopefully both of us can find some resolution and get back on the road to happiness.

      Hugs,
      Dana

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  3. Dana, I'm sorry that you and Steve are going through a rough time right now. I have a suggestion for you. Why not write him an email/letter/note? In it you could explain how sorry you are for your part in things and how upset you were about what he said and his reaction. Then you could let him know that you'd like to sit down and talk about it when he's ready. Tell him you know that neither of you is perfect, but that you miss the closeness and would like to work on getting rid of the distance that's clearly between you now. Well, maybe you don't want to write exactly what I've put here, but whatever it is you'd like to say to him. Give him time to read it and think it over and hopefully he'll come to you and want to talk and apologize for his part in things too. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Grace. I've been debating about writing him a letter. Part of me wants to so we can put this behind us. Part of me wants him to make a move, a real move, not just picking at me. Honestly, if he came to me, said he was sorry and held out in his arms, I'd be in them in a heartbeat.

      I've got some thinking and praying to do yet.

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  4. Dana~

    You are so right, once you experience that level of closeness....intimacy...nothing else will do but to have THAT. After our little blow up around here, I felt sick...honest to goodness just sick. Ryan and I say that is one of the blessings/curses of ttwd. You can no longer just settle for good enough....and it is soooo much work.

    Go to him....that is the best advice I have. Talk it out....cry it out...whatever...tell him how you feel. Doing that does not make you any less right or him any less wrong. It is just that you are the one willing to end it. Tell him what you said....what you need him to do. I think it is perfectly acceptable to do that in a respectful manner.

    Love and hugs....I understand....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Thanks Lucy. I know it probably sounds like I'm just being stubborn, but I need something from him before I can go to him. I poured my heart out yesterday and given his response, I'm not exactly feeling encouraged to share my feelings again.

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  5. Dana, I am sorry to hear that things are still unsettled between you and Steve. I am praying that you will find a reason to land in each other's embrace and all these troubles will melt away.

    Hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Thanks Lillie. I wish I could say we're all better, but so far we're still in the same mess. I'm praying too so maybe God will work his magic soon.

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  6. Oh Dana, I am so sorry that things are still unresolved. I really hope you will be able to get some resolution and move forward soon. I think Grace's idea is a good one.

    ((Hugs))

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    1. Thanks Roz. We did manage to finally talk this morning and we're doing okay now.

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  7. Dana,
    I understand distance. We had it for 23 years in our marriage. TTWD changed so much, usually for the better, but yes, it does make the distance more noticeable and it hurts more. I'm not a good talker, not face to face. I can write so when it happened to us I would email him my thoughts. Emailing gave me the time to craft exactly what I wanted to say. It gave me the time to read over it to make sure it did sound harsh, one sided or whining. I just told him. Just a note - men don't want to read a book, be as concise as possible. Oh, and one more thing, he isn't ACTING like nothing happened, he probably doesn't realize something has. If you're not yelling or crying most men think everything's fine and they don't want to rock the boat.

    Hugs,
    PK

    PS. In case I do get this to post, I've tried three times now, please consider removing the 'are you a robot' thing. I know it really does keep people from commenting.

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    1. Thanks PK. When it comes to face to face, I generally don't do well. I either clam up, take forever to get it out or blurt out whatever comes to mind. As far as knowing something was wrong, he's figured out that when I get quiet and don't want to talk, something is up.

      Thanks also for letting me know about the robot thing. Those things are annoying. I didn't realize it was there or I would have taken it off already. I just went in and fixed it so hopefully you'll have an easier time commenting in the future.

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