You may have noticed that I've been a little quiet this week. Steve would tell you that means I'm thinking on something, probably something I'm worried about or upset over. He's right. I've been dealing with something this week that really knocked me for a loop. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. To be honest, I may never be ready. For now, I'm still trying to process it.
I did talk to Steve about it initially. He tried to help, which I love him for, but he couldn't. This is something I need to work out for myself. When his initial attempt to help didn't work out, he backed off. Way off.
I don't know if he backed off because he wanted to give me space to work things out, he didn't know what to do or he'd just given up. Considering I wasn't even sure what to do, I wasn't much help. I do know that him backing off like he did was not what was needed at all. Without the structure and security I find when he's leading, I unraveled fast.
Submission flew out the window and thoughts like "Who needs a man anyway? I can do this by myself." began to crowd my head. All those layers that I was so proud of shedding came back with reinforcements. This led to a bit of a rebellion on my part where I decided I'd just do (or not do) whatever I wanted.
But last night as we were laying in bed, both of us tossing and turning and unable to sleep, I started feeling the distance that had been creeping in. So I peeked out of the thick layers surrounding my heart and started talking a little. It didn't go well. We both got frustrated and I ended up leaving the room upset.
He surprised me by following a minute later. We tried again with pretty much the same result. I left the room in tears saying "Maybe this was a stupid idea." I crawled back in bed, curled in a ball at the very edge and just cried.
When Steve came back to bed, I didn't even have to turn over to know that he was right on the edge of his side, as far away as he could get and still be in the bed. The space between us in the bed was tiny in comparison to the emotional distance I felt. I cried even harder at that thought.
We've come a long way in growing closer these past few months. I did not want to go back to the way things were before. I wasn't going to. I was flat out refusing to do it again.
About the time I felt the bed shift and his hand on my back, it all came flying out in one huge explosion of anger, hurt and frustration. To be honest, I don't remember exactly what I said. I was saying whatever came to mind, not filtering anything. Once the words started flowing, I couldn't stop them, not even to give him a chance to respond, and they kept flowing until finally the well ran dry.
Considering how hard I was crying, it's a wonder he could even understand half of what came out of my mouth last night. But apparently he did because he wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me and said we'd get through this.
Then later once I calmed down, he said he thought he should probably take care of some things. At first, I was a little upset. After all, I'd just poured my heart out to him and he was talking about a spanking. But once I got over my initial reaction, I realized he was right. He had let me go for several days and he needed to take care of those things so we could put it behind us. More than that, he needed to remind both of us that he was in charge and leading us.
It wasn't really punishment, although it had some elements of it. It was more a reconnect, something to put us back on steadier ground. Afterwards, we snuggled for a bit and then I started to roll over to my stomach, which is how I sleep. Steve stopped me. I was laying on my side up against him so he grabbed the leg that I wasn't laying on and pulled it over his hip, trapping it between his legs. Then he nuzzled his face right into my chest. We fell asleep that way.
Apparently one of us, maybe even both of us, decided to change position in the night. I woke up laying on my other side at the very edge of the bed with him snuggled against my back and his arm wrapped around my hip. As I peeked back over my shoulder and him, I had to smile. We have a king size bed and when we first started the evening, there was a good three feet of space in between us because we were hugging our individual sides. When we woke up, we were snuggled up so tight that all that space was behind Steve. If he had snuggled in any closer, we probably would have both ended up in the floor.