Thursday, January 31, 2013

Bumps in the Road

You may have noticed that I've been a little quiet this week. Steve would tell you that means I'm thinking on something, probably something I'm worried about or upset over. He's right. I've been dealing with something this week that really knocked me for a loop. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. To be honest, I may never be ready. For now, I'm still trying to process it.

I did talk to Steve about it initially. He tried to help, which I love him for, but he couldn't. This is something I need to work out for myself. When his initial attempt to help didn't work out, he backed off. Way off.

I don't know if he backed off because he wanted to give me space to work things out, he didn't know what to do or he'd just given up. Considering I wasn't even sure what to do, I wasn't much help. I do know that him backing off like he did was not what was needed at all. Without the structure and security I find when he's leading, I unraveled fast.

Submission flew out the window and thoughts like "Who needs a man anyway? I can do this by myself." began to crowd my head. All those layers that I was so proud of shedding came back with reinforcements. This led to a bit of a rebellion on my part where I decided I'd just do (or not do) whatever I wanted.

But last night as we were laying in bed, both of us tossing and turning and unable to sleep, I started feeling the distance that had been creeping in. So I peeked out of the thick layers surrounding my heart and started talking a little. It didn't go well. We both got frustrated and I ended up leaving the room upset.

He surprised me by following a minute later. We tried again with pretty much the same result. I left the room in tears saying "Maybe this was a stupid idea." I crawled back in bed, curled in a ball at the very edge and just cried.

When Steve came back to bed, I didn't even have to turn over to know that he was right on the edge of his side, as far away as he could get and still be in the bed. The space between us in the bed was tiny in comparison to the emotional distance I felt. I cried even harder at that thought.

We've come a long way in growing closer these past few months. I did not want to go back to the way things were before. I wasn't going to. I was flat out refusing to do it again.

About the time I felt the bed shift and his hand on my back, it all came flying out in one huge explosion of anger, hurt and frustration. To be honest, I don't remember exactly what I said. I was saying whatever came to mind, not filtering anything. Once the words started flowing, I couldn't stop them, not even to give him a chance to respond, and they kept flowing until finally the well ran dry.

Considering how hard I was crying, it's a wonder he could even understand half of what came out of my mouth last night. But apparently he did because he wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me and said we'd get through this.

Then later once I calmed down, he said he thought he should probably take care of some things. At first, I was a little upset. After all, I'd just poured my heart out to him and he was talking about a spanking. But once I got over my initial reaction, I realized he was right. He had let me go for several days and he needed to take care of those things so we could put it behind us. More than that, he needed to remind both of us that he was in charge and leading us.

It wasn't really punishment, although it had some elements of it. It was more a reconnect, something to put us back on steadier ground. Afterwards, we snuggled for a bit and then I started to roll over to my stomach, which is how I sleep. Steve stopped me. I was laying on my side up against him so he grabbed the leg that I wasn't laying on and pulled it over his hip, trapping it between his legs. Then he nuzzled his face right into my chest. We fell asleep that way.

Apparently one of us, maybe even both of us, decided to change position in the night. I woke up laying on my other side at the very edge of the bed with him snuggled against my back and his arm wrapped around my hip. As I peeked back over my shoulder and him, I had to smile. We have a king size bed and when we first started the evening, there was a good three feet of space in between us because we were hugging our individual sides. When we woke up, we were snuggled up so tight that all that space was behind Steve. If he had snuggled in any closer, we probably would have both ended up in the floor.

14 comments:

  1. It is amazing how this lifestyle changes us and our relationships. Sometimes those HoH know exactly what we need and when we need it- smart buggers they are. Hang in there and know we all have our moments were we question what we are doing. Glad you reconnected.

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    1. Cathie, I'm constantly amazed at the changes DD has brought.

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  2. Awww Dana...so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

    Very happy to hear that you and Steve were able to reconnect and that you didn't end up on the floor. ;) Keep turning to him, it will help you work through the issue.

    We're all here if there is anything we can do for you. Sending lots of hugs and prayers that you work through the issue quickly.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. I'm trying very hard to remember to lean on him. Even if it's something I need to work out for myself, he can still support me through it.

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  3. I'm glad you reconnected, Dana. Having an ocean between you is no good, and there is nothing better than that snuggle, with the oceans more favorably at your backs. I hope you find the peace you need.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks June. I love that tight snuggle. Early in our relationship we did it a lot, but over the years we quit. Neither of us is quite sure when or why it happened. That's one of the things that I love about TTWD. It's brought us much closer together and we snuggle all the time now.

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  4. Dana,
    I'm so sorry that you are struggling with something so important to you.

    I'm also so happy to hear that the three-foot distance was narrowed down to his arms around you when you woke up.

    (We also have a king-sized bed. We used to have that three-foot distance. Now, we can't sleep without touching one another. It's confounding and yet so, so good.

    Take care of yourself, sweetie. It sounds like Steve is there for you, every step of the way.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Thanks Elisa. We spent a lot of years with that distance between us. Now it bothers both of us if we're not touching. Most of the time we snuggle up together in the middle of the bed, but even if we're not snuggled up, we're usually holding hands or touching in some way.

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  5. I think it's frustrating for our guys sometimes because they always want to "fix" things for us...and sometimes they really can't and we just need them to listen and talk. I'm sorry for whatever you are struggling with and I'm so glad that you two closed that distance between you - literally and figuratively!

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    1. Exactly Tess. While I loved that he wanted to help, I needed him to be supportive rather than Mr. Fix It.

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  6. Oh Dana, I was almost in tears for you, knowing how frustrating it can be to need to fix things, and having no idea what to say because you don't have hte words. {{{HUGS}}} I am so glad that you both stuck at it until you got it resolved! :) I LOVE how you guys fell asleep! :) I sleep on my stomach too, but also turn all night onto all my sides... not sure I could stay against my husband all night, but it would be so fun to try! I am all smiles for you now. And I know you are too. :)

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    1. Thanks Es May. When we first got together, we always slept snuggled up to each other. I would lay my head on his chest and throw my leg over his hip and fall asleep that way every night. But at some point, we quit sleeping like that. Now every night we either snuggle up or hold hands as we sleep and I can't imagine it being any different.

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  7. Dana, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time and so glad you reconnected.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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