Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Gone in 60 Seconds

I was feeling a little off yesterday. It could have been because of the dreary weather we've had lately. It could have been that I was hormonal from a certain aspect of womanhood. It may have even been some lingering tension from the weekend. Maybe it was a combination of the three. Whatever it was, I wasn't myself. I knew it, and it wasn't long until Steve knew it.

It all came to a head when I was fixing supper. I'm not going to say exactly what upset me because honestly I'm a bit embarrassed over it. In hindsight, it was a silly thing for me to get mad at him over. Steve noticed immediately that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. Being a nice guy, he wanted to fix it if he could.

But I was already starting to distance. So despite him asking several times and eventually threatening to get to the bottom of things with a paddle, I was stubborn and refused to tell him. And while I didn't totally shut down and refuse to talk to him, there was a definite terseness to my responses when he would ask me something.

Later when we went to bed, he gave me even more opportunities to open up and talk to him. I don't know why, but I just wrapped myself up in my anger and withdrew even more. When he said it was time for role affirmation (which had been postponed from the night before), I did something I very rarely do. I refused to cooperate.

At first it seemed I had won because he turned away. But a few minutes later, he turned back and it was clear from his expression that he was fully in HoH mode. After another refusal from me to tell him what was going on or get into position, I found myself flipped over unceremoniously. It took me by surprise. While we've discussed it and I've told him it's okay to do if I'm uncooperative, it's not something Steve routinely does. He usually waits me out, preferring that I submit myself.

I started struggling to get away at the first swat. He just slid down a little in the bed and wrapped his legs around mine to pin them and kept going. When I threw my hand back, something I hardly ever do as it got smacked accidentally once before, he shifted position again and pulled me into his chest so I had no choice but to wrap my arms around him.

A couple swats later and I dissolved into a puddle of tears. It surprised both of us because it's rare I cry that quickly with a spanking and also because I haven't cried like that in months. It wasn't just a few sniffles or a couple stray tears, but deep, soul-wrenching sobs. As soon as he realized it, he dropped the paddle and just held me while I cried. Finally the tears slowed enough I could tell him what I was upset about, which I had already realized was silly before the first swat even landed.

He didn't make me feel bad about getting upset over something so silly. He just apologized for his part in it. Then we talked about how it could have been handled differently.

From start to finish, the spanking lasted no more than a minute. I doubt more than fifteen swats were given. They must not have been that bad because I don't really even remember them hurting. I also don't remember him lecturing, although he assured me he had.

But in those 60 seconds, I went from a cranky, hormonal, stubborn, crazy lady to goo.

Something else happened during those 60 seconds, but it didn't really hit me until this morning. Over the years, I've erected a lot of barriers to my heart. I let people in, but only to a certain point. Even Steve has had to contend with some barriers. Whenever I feel those layers of protection start slipping away, I start to panic and immediately go to reinforcing them.

But over these past few months, he's managed to peel away some of those layers. And last night, without me even realizing it, he peeled back that final layer, leaving me completely open and vulnerable to him. Surprisingly, instead of feeling panic, I feel at peace.

27 comments:

  1. Glad you got your release and that you feel peace! That's great!! :)
    Hugs,
    Elle

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  2. Oh my. It seems like we all had a bit of a night of it.
    I'm glad things worked out though and that you feel at peace x

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    1. Thanks mustbecrazy. It does seem to go in waves across the community. If one of us is feeling out of sorts, chances are someone else is blogging about exactly the same thing.

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  3. Oh my. It seems like we all had a bit of a night of it.
    I'm glad things worked out though and that you feel at peace x

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  4. Oh my. It seems like we all had a bit of a night of it.
    I'm glad things worked out though and that you feel at peace x

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  5. Oh for gods sake something is up with my phone, sorry for the multiple posts

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  6. I could have written this....word for word....glad to know I am not the only one :)

    I am glad he didn't give up on you...and happy that you feel better...

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    1. Thanks Lucy. It's nice to know I'm not the only one either.

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  7. Happy he was able to reach you Dana and Kudos to Steve for being a persistent HoH. It is wonderful to watch the growth in both of you.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. Once it was all over and I had calmed down a bit, I did thank him for not giving up. And I've passed along all the kudos he's been getting lately.

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  8. I'm happy that you ended up in a much better place. That feeling of peace is awesome, isn't it? As Cat said, kudos to Steve for how he handled the situation, or um, you, I suppose I mean. lol Sometimes a silly little thing is nothing more than the final straw and it sounds like that was probably what happened with you. It wasn't really all about that one little thing, but the culmination of things. Anyway, I think it's great that you were able to open up and be vulnerable and found out that it wasn't so scary after all. (I still sometimes forget that) :)

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    1. Thanks Grace. And yes, he handled me quite well. I'm sure I'll still find that openness and vulnerability scary at times, but hopefully I'll be able to look back and see all the good it's brought out in us.

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  9. You're definitely not the only one to feel this way Dana. I think that this is where a spank and a cuddle comes into its own.

    Hugs, Ami

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    1. Thanks Ami. Sometimes a spank and a cuddle is exactly what is needed.

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  10. I'm so happy Steve reached you Dana and that you got to that place of peace. He handled the situation so well. Sometimes the little things are the last straw aren't they?

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. It does seem like it's the little things that put me over the edge.

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  11. I'm so happy for you Dana. What a wonderful place to be in :)

    Callie

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  12. I have not been in that state yet, but I can see DH getting to the place where he knows me good enough and trusts himself enough, to handle me like your husband did. Nicely done.

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    1. Thanks Julia. It's funny because just a few months ago, he probably wouldn't have handled it the same way even though we were in DD then. I think it's something that comes with time and experience.

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  13. Sounds like our night, Dana, you are definitely not alone. I still have a few layers, I'm not quite aware of, and I hate, hate, hate hormones!....come to think of it, bet Ward does too, lol.

    I'm glad Steve was there to hold your hand and get you to the other side.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks June. I tend to get a little cranky when I'm hormonal, but this round kinda knocked me for a loop. I'm sure the guys do hate our hormones as much as we do, especially since they have to deal with the effects of them.

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  14. Nodding with recognition......
    The emotional roller coaster I am on should be covered in vomit.....not necessarily mine.
    Thank God you have a loving HoH in Steve. How wonderful that he didn't just let you slip further into that place.
    Glad it is all better.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Thanks Lillie. I thank God every day for him. I did tell him that I was glad he chose to handle it the way he did rather than letting me be. If he had left me alone, I probably would have just spiraled.

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  15. It is so wonderful that he stepped up like that for you, and that your final barrier has been wiped away. I am hoping for the same soon. I have only started reading your blog, but wanted to say hi, and that I have loved reading your posts. I am learning so much, along with some wonderful giggles. :) The post about him having super sonic hearing, priceless! :) Thank you.

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    1. Thanks Es May and welcome to the blog. I'm glad you like it. I'm always happy to educate or entertain, and occasionally I manage to do both at the same time.

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