This isn't the post I originally sat down to write. When I first sat down to write it this morning, I was frustrated. Frustrated at what seemed to be a slide back into inconsistency. Frustrated at what appeared to be a half-hearted effort towards TTWD.
Monday slipped by with no role affirmation. I thought he'd forgot so I dropped a few subtle hints. Apparently they were too subtle because he didn't get it. I found out later that he did remember, but by the time he did, it was late and I was already half asleep so he decided against doing it that night.
Then came Tuesday. Surprisingly, I had a good day. I had asked if I could do whatever chores I wanted rather than him assigning some and he had granted my request with the stipulation that whatever I chose to do couldn't be something tiny like organizing the sock drawer. I ended up working a little bit on several rooms of the house, then focusing the rest of my time on the laundry/storage room. Aside from a few more loads of laundry waiting to be washed, it's almost completely done now.
But role affirmation didn't happen that night either. Nor was anything said about it. Again, I found out later that he had thought of it, but decided not to do it since I had done so well that day.
Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up snapping and the day went downhill from there. It was clear that I wasn't myself and later that night my frustration spilled over and I told him how I was feeling. But at that point, it was late and things were put off yet again to be addressed this morning before he left for work.
But by the time he got done dropping our daughter off and running a few errands, it was already past the time he should be leaving for work. He said he would try to get to it this morning if he could, then went off to load his truck. I felt the frustration rising because I was sure he would put it off again. It didn't help that the neighbor came over as he was loading his truck, something I figured would make him late enough to not want to take the time.
So I sat down to write this post. To my surprise, he came back in a few minutes later and said "Let's go. I want to take care of this now so you don't keep spiraling and get yourself in more trouble." I followed him to the bedroom where he already had the paddle in hand and was pointing at the bed. I quickly stripped and laid down on my stomach and he began.
It was clear that he was feeling a little frustration himself because the swats were a little harder than usual. I was really fighting to stay in position and several times earned myself a couple even harder swats for moving. Then he stopped and I thought he was done so I started to get up, only to be told to stay still because he wasn't done.
Seconds later, I heard an ominous sound, the sound of the top drawer of our other dresser being opened. It's where the cane is stored since it's too long for the drawer where the other implements are stored. I'll admit I tried my darnedest to talk him out of it. I hate the cane.
But it did no good. He was determined to get me back on track and wasn't backing down. I had pushed one too many buttons the day before. It was even harder to stay still with that. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the cane hit the bed beside me and I breathed a sigh of relief. At least until the next swat landed and I realized he had grabbed the plastic hanger without me noticing. If you rank our implements on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most hated implement, the cane comes in at 10 and the hanger comes in right behind it at 9.
I was so relieved when I saw it hit the bed a minute later that I almost didn't mind that he'd switched back to the paddle. After a flurry of hard swats with it, he laid down beside me and pulled me into his arms. I didn't get to enjoy snuggling that long, though, because his phone rang and he had to answer it. He did come back after he got off the phone and give me a hug and a kiss, but then he had to run because he was already late.
He could have put things off because he was late, but he didn't. Instead he took the time. And even though I'm sitting here on a very tender bottom, I'm grateful that he did because in him making me a priority, he left me feeling loved and important to him.