Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Asking for It

One of the hardest things for me in this journey is asking for a spanking when I want/need one. Steve and I have discussed it in the past and I know he's okay with me asking, but I have a hard time doing it. It should be simple. It's just four little words-I need a spanking-and yet I find myself stumbling over them.

It was easier for me when we were doing role affirmation every Monday night. Even if I couldn't get the words out, I knew that eventually Monday would roll around. That would usually take care of things.

It's funny. When we first talked about role affirmation, I was adamantly against the idea. I wanted nothing to do with it. Then Steve decided it was needed so I made the adjustment. For the most part, it helped, although on my good weeks we both had a hard time with it. But now that he's switched to doing it on an as-needed basis, I feel adrift.

He doesn't always see the need for it when I do. He tends to wait until there are clear signs I'm headed in the wrong direction before he acts. Little signs like slacking a little on chores or borderline disrespect. But I know a few days before these signs pop up. I can feel it inside me that I'm not in the right place mentally or emotionally.

That's why it's a problem that I have trouble telling him I need it. If I could get the words out, he would know that I need it. Then we could stop the cycle before it gets to the point signs are showing.

I've been struggling with this all week. I knew Sunday night that I wasn't in the right place. I'm still not there today. I wanted to tell him, even started to a couple times but lost my nerve before I could get the words out. There's something very humbling about asking for a spanking.

Today I finally sent a quick text to let Steve know. Even then, I couldn't say the words. I texted "I need role affirmation." As soon as I hit send, I wished I could bring that text back. I knew he wouldn't see it for a few hours because he's working on another job with no cell service, but as the hour approached that he would be getting off and heading home, nerves set in. I knew the moment he finally read my text because I got a return text that simply said "OK."

Nothing was said about it when he arrived home. I anxiously watched the clock because I knew he was tired from work and would probably want to get things out of the way as soon as our daughter was out for the night.

About a half hour before she was due to head for bed, he came in to tell me he was leaving and would be back later. Apparently a friend had bought tickets for him and his girlfriend to go to a concert but she couldn't go so he called Steve and told him if he wanted to go, he needed to get to his house ASAP. So he grabbed his stuff and took off.

I'm a little peeved about it. It's not that I mind him going to a concert without me because I don't. Any other time I probably would have told him to go for it. It isn't every day that you get to see a band you like for free.

But he knows how hard it is for me to ask for a spanking. He's not going to get home from the concert until very late, at which point I'll have been in bed asleep for at least a couple hours. I have to get up early to get our daughter off to school and he knows it so he most likely won't wake me up, not that I want him to anyway.

It all comes down to communication. While I understand he had to hurry, would it have really been that hard to stop for a minute and say "I didn't forget. We will take care of this in the morning." I would have been fine with that. Instead I'm left feeling a bit neglected.

16 comments:

  1. I do understand your frustration Dana. Try not to let this upset you. I would suggest you ask Steve to read this post...you were very respectful here and explained your needs very well.

    Since it is so hard for you to ask, is there some kind of signal you would be comfortable using that would let Steve know that you were spiraling? You said it yourself...you see the signs within you before he sees the outward signs.

    Sending positive energy your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. I'm trying very hard to not let it get to me, although it was hard when he still didn't say anything about it this morning. He was tired so he slept late and was rushing around when he got up so I didn't even try to bring it up.

      I've tried telling him in more subtle ways before, like telling him I feel off. But for a man that's usually pretty in tune with me, he tends to be a little dense when it comes to this. I'm going to try to talk to him tonight if he isn't too tired.

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  2. Hi Dana, how frustrating this must be. I think the text idea is a good one. I agree with Cat, try and get him to read this post, you explained it so well and I am sure he would understand how you feel. Hope you have a better day and a spanking, :) love Jan. xx

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    1. Thanks Jan. I went with the text because there was no turning back once I hit send. If I try to actually speak that need, I usually end up backing down at the last minute and either not saying anything or saying something else.

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  3. Yep signals....a text, a pink sticky on the bathroom mirror, a stone left on his pillow. It doesn't matter so much how you communicate as long as you do. I know it's hard...humbling to ask.

    Sara

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    1. Thanks Sara. I'm hoping to sit down with him tonight and see what signal we can come up with so he knows without me actually having to say it.

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  4. I'm sorry Dana. I totally understand what you are saying. Things begin brewing in me sometimes days before my husband realizes it. We are trying to communicate and I'm trying to be honest so that he can take care of things earlier but it's hard. I can't say those words out loud either.

    I hope Steve reads this b/c a quick "I haven't forgotten" would have made all the difference in your night. Hang in there...don't do what I do and build all sorts of walls. I hope he's already seen this and you have talked.

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    1. Thanks Susie. So far he hasn't saw this and we haven't talked. I'm still pretty peeve about it this morning, especially since nothing was said about it, but I'm trying to not let it get the better of me.

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  5. I agree. Communication is key. I really hope you get what you need. ((hugs))

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  6. The Wilma-style 'stick-it' note on the bum springs to mind! I wonder... Text is probably your best route if you can't bring yourself to ask for a spanking. I understand exactly how you feel because not so long ago I was in the same situation. I bratted like mad and ended up getting a bigger spanking than I had anticipated - but now he is remembering our R/A. So that's another little milestone.

    Now I need to work on 'spontaneity'.

    See, a series of goals Dana. Preferably ones that neither of you can back out of.

    Solved (she says polishing her nails and studying them).

    LOL!

    I hope you manage to work this out. Everyone above has the right idea. Communication is the key I'm afraid.

    Many hugs,

    Ami

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    1. Thanks Ami. I had forgot about the Wilma note. I'm half tempted to try it just to see Steve's reaction.

      You hit the nail on the head with the statement about bratting. If he doesn't pick up on the fact it's needed and I can't get the words out, I end up spiraling. The spanking ends up being worse because by that point, it's punishment rather than the role affirmation/stress relief/reset that I needed in the first place.

      This would be much easier if there was a switch that allowed them to read our minds. I wouldn't leave it on all the time, just from time to time when I needed him to hear my thoughts.

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  7. I agree with what others have already said, you need a signal, a specific communication, whatever it may be, that is clear to him about what you're needing without you actually having to say it. I can almost feel your frustration, having been in basically the same spot before. I'm sure he doesn't realize how his lack of follow through and lack of communication in regard to it is affecting you. That's what he needs to understand. This is a communication thing for both of you...you being able to communicate your needs...and him communicating to you that he hasn't in fact forgotten and will address this at a later time. (((hugs))) Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks Grace. It is frustrating. It's clearly an area we need to work on, but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

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  8. It's a shame he didn't act, but your text was, it seems to me, somewhat weak, or vague. Others above have suggested good ideas. I know how difficult it can sometimes be to say plainly what you want. A little alcohol sometimes loosens one's tongue enough, I sometimes use that.

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    1. Thanks Malcolm. At the time, the text option was the best one for me, although I admit I could have elaborated a little on why I was needing it. Maybe if I had, he would have understood better. As far as alcohol, I don't drink much.

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