One of the hardest things for me in this journey is asking for a spanking when I want/need one. Steve and I have discussed it in the past and I know he's okay with me asking, but I have a hard time doing it. It should be simple. It's just four little words-I need a spanking-and yet I find myself stumbling over them.
It was easier for me when we were doing role affirmation every Monday night. Even if I couldn't get the words out, I knew that eventually Monday would roll around. That would usually take care of things.
It's funny. When we first talked about role affirmation, I was adamantly against the idea. I wanted nothing to do with it. Then Steve decided it was needed so I made the adjustment. For the most part, it helped, although on my good weeks we both had a hard time with it. But now that he's switched to doing it on an as-needed basis, I feel adrift.
He doesn't always see the need for it when I do. He tends to wait until there are clear signs I'm headed in the wrong direction before he acts. Little signs like slacking a little on chores or borderline disrespect. But I know a few days before these signs pop up. I can feel it inside me that I'm not in the right place mentally or emotionally.
That's why it's a problem that I have trouble telling him I need it. If I could get the words out, he would know that I need it. Then we could stop the cycle before it gets to the point signs are showing.
I've been struggling with this all week. I knew Sunday night that I wasn't in the right place. I'm still not there today. I wanted to tell him, even started to a couple times but lost my nerve before I could get the words out. There's something very humbling about asking for a spanking.
Today I finally sent a quick text to let Steve know. Even then, I couldn't say the words. I texted "I need role affirmation." As soon as I hit send, I wished I could bring that text back. I knew he wouldn't see it for a few hours because he's working on another job with no cell service, but as the hour approached that he would be getting off and heading home, nerves set in. I knew the moment he finally read my text because I got a return text that simply said "OK."
Nothing was said about it when he arrived home. I anxiously watched the clock because I knew he was tired from work and would probably want to get things out of the way as soon as our daughter was out for the night.
About a half hour before she was due to head for bed, he came in to tell me he was leaving and would be back later. Apparently a friend had bought tickets for him and his girlfriend to go to a concert but she couldn't go so he called Steve and told him if he wanted to go, he needed to get to his house ASAP. So he grabbed his stuff and took off.
I'm a little peeved about it. It's not that I mind him going to a concert without me because I don't. Any other time I probably would have told him to go for it. It isn't every day that you get to see a band you like for free.
But he knows how hard it is for me to ask for a spanking. He's not going to get home from the concert until very late, at which point I'll have been in bed asleep for at least a couple hours. I have to get up early to get our daughter off to school and he knows it so he most likely won't wake me up, not that I want him to anyway.
It all comes down to communication. While I understand he had to hurry, would it have really been that hard to stop for a minute and say "I didn't forget. We will take care of this in the morning." I would have been fine with that. Instead I'm left feeling a bit neglected.