Sunday, March 3, 2013

Derailed

Nearly two weeks into my month-long challenge of no punishments, the train has derailed. I got in trouble on Friday.

After Steve being off for two weeks and assigning little to no chores on the days he was home, it was really hard for me to adjust back to a full chore schedule once he went back to work. When he wasn't working, he didn't think it was fair if I had to, but now that's he's back at work, he thinks I should be too. He works hard to support our family so I can't really argue with that.

By Wednesday, it was clear that I was struggling. Submission was leaving the station and picking up speed as it headed out of town. I even told him I felt off, something I normally only say when I feel like I'm headed for trouble. Either he was being extremely patient with me or he didn't recognize the importance of what I said because he didn't do anything.

It all came to a head Friday. I procrastinated for most of the day before doing my chores. It was obvious that I didn't put a lot of effort into them though. As Steve told me later, I half-assed them.

After we ate supper, he went to visit a friend who's been under the weather. I waited up for a while, but got tired and went to bed. He woke me up when he got back, something I wasn't too pleased about, especially when he told me I was getting spanked.

I had a hard time submitting to the spanking. While I knew he was right about my efforts towards the chores, I was angry at having my streak broken. I wanted to blame him for not stepping up and redirecting when I told him I was struggling. But it wasn't really his fault. It was mine. Once I saw that he didn't get what I was trying to tell him, I should have asked for what I needed so he knew exactly what I was saying.

Anyway, about halfway through the spanking, something came up that had to be dealt with right away. It took a while to deal with so Steve said we'd finish up the next day. I grumbled a bit about it as I hate waiting on a spanking, especially one that's already been started, by as late as it was by that time, I understood why.

Needless to say, when I woke up yesterday morning, I wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine. I didn't help my situation any with my attitude. I got reminded a couple times of what was coming later in the day. Later came sooner than I expected when our daughter asked if she could visit her grandparents. Before I knew it, we were alone in the house.

We watched a little tv together then moved on to more pleasurable pursuits. While I enjoyed it, in the back of my head was the thought that I still had a spanking coming, one that I had made worse by my attitude earlier in the day. I kept waiting and waiting, but nothing happened.

Finally I worked up my nerve to ask about it. Steve said he'd decided not to do it. I should have just been happy to have avoided what was sure to be an uncomfortable spanking. But I wasn't. I was mad. I didn't really want to be spanked, but I knew it was needed. Aside from that, I hate having a spanking hanging over my head so I wasn't happy about worrying all day only to be told he wasn't going to do it after all.

I unraveled a bit after that and for a while, things were a little tense between us. I was digging myself into a hole and it didn't seem like either of us cared. After a while, I realized we weren't getting anywhere with this so I dialed back my frustration and started talking.

I let him know that just because I'm doing well doesn't mean my head is staying where it needs to be, that sometimes I'm slipping inside even before the effects start showing on the outside. I told him that for future reference when I tell him I'm feeling off, he should probably definitely take that as a sign I need some redirection. I told him that when he sends mixed signals by saying something and not following through, it makes it hard to keep my head where it needs to be and believe that he will follow through if it's needed.

We ended up talking after that and worked up some things. I still haven't been spanked, though, which is a problem because I still feel off. I don't know if he was planning on doing it last night, but he ended up falling asleep in our daughter's bed trying to get her down for the night so it didn't happen.

If he doesn't bring it up tonight, I plan to. And instead of just telling him I feel off, which he should know by now means trouble, I'm going to flat out tell him my head isn't in the right place and I need a spanking to get me back on track. I still haven't given up on my goal of making it a full month without punishment. I need a clean slate and a submissive mindset to get me on my way.

12 comments:

  1. The first 5 years of my marriage I felt like I needed spankings to help me stay in line. We have been married 18 years now and it has been up and down at times but I have mostly remained submissive. I realized recently that I don't want him to HAVE to keep me in line by spanking me so I have been trying really hard to do what he asks all the time and not mess up. Sounds like you want to do that too but you are struggling... ((Hugs))

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    1. Thanks Anon. I am trying to reach the point where I can maintain my submission without regular spankings. Sometimes it's not so much a spanking I need for redirection as him sitting down and talking to me about the direction I'm heading and the need to get back on the right track. He's done that a few times and I think we were both surprised at how well it worked.

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    2. Hopefully all will work out. Glad you have some direction. I might send you an email. It would be nice to be friends with someone else who lives like me. SJ (Anon)

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    3. Feel free to email SJ. It's always nice talking to other DD wives.

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  2. Awe, I'm sorry Dana, but this is just a blip in the challenge. Good on you for not giving up on it. Good on you too for recognising that you are still not where you need to be and for your resolve to tell him and ask for his help. It's certainly not easy to do.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. There's something about actually saying "I need a spanking." that I still struggle with. I know I can ask for it if I need it, but it's hard.

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  3. While I hate being spanked, I think anticipation is punishment in itself, so it angers me if he puts me through that for nothing. If he's changed his mind, he tells me right away, or it's not fair. Leniency makes me happy but he'd better keep me in the loop and tell me.

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    1. Exactly Stormy. Knowing I have a punishment coming puts me in a tizzy. When I get all worked up for nothing, it irritates me and submission is the last thought on my mind. I've learned to appreciate grace over time, but I need to know he's offering it, not just leaving me hanging.

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  4. I know how you feel, I hate being spanked, but having one hang over my head, and then not happen, for some reason that's way worse. I feel the same, I need to talked to, told what's going on. I hope that you were able to get things resolved. I know how much it can mess with a woman to leave them unsettled. {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. Thanks Es May. It is worse. I'd rather have the spanking than spend all day dreading it only to have it not happen. I need that communication.

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  5. I have a hard time with this too Dana. If I'm expecting something and he changes his mind or has to put it off...he has to communicate with me and let me know what is going on...or the brewing of a perfect storm starts. I realize we are adults and we will have to wait sometimes. I can wait sort of patiently, but I need to know what I'm waiting on.

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    1. Thanks Susie. While I hate waiting, I can handle that. Leaving me hanging is a sure fire way to brew up a storm.

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