Sunday, March 24, 2013

Didn't See That Coming

My streak was nearly at three weeks. I'd like to say it's because I'd been a perfect angel, but that wouldn't exactly be true. In all honesty, it had more to do with Steve's recent change in leadership than good behavior.

I've struggled since he did away with weekly role affirmation. Shortly after he made the change, I realized that the reason it made things easier when we were doing it is that it meant that I didn't have to try as hard to maintain submissiveness on my own. If I felt like I was heading in the wrong direction, I didn't work that hard at reversing the trend because I knew that Monday would be rolling around soon and would nip whatever was going on in the bud.

Then it wasn't there and I had to try to maintain submission on my own. I started floundering. Between that and another change, I was in over my head and sinking fast. You see since we started, things had a set order. If I messed up, I got punished. The slate was clear and we moved on to a fresh start.

About the same time that weekly role affirmation disappeared, Steve decided to try a new tactic. Instead of punishing for every offense, he wanted to try talking and/or lecturing to see if it would be enough to redirect. If I was in a more submissive frame of mind, it might have worked. There have been times that a simple lecture was enough.

But in my current frame of mind, he was just adding fuel to the fire. Instead of taking his new tactic as an opportunity to learn how to redirect without having to be punished first, I started feeling like he had given up on TTWD, that he wasn't interested in leading any more. So I spiraled even more.

I wasn't oblivious to my destructive behavior. I tried to tell him over a week ago that I needed something to get me back on track. That didn't go as well as I had planned. I was left frustrated that I had tried to tell him, only to have nothing happened. And I kept spiraling faster and faster.

Yesterday I reached the point where I knew something had to happen. I was feeling frustrated and adrift. So keeping in mind what you all commented on my post about asking for it, I decided to give him a clear signal something was needed. After some internal debate, I settled on throwing all the implements on his side of the bed and pulling the blanket up over them. I figured that Steve would see them when he came to bed and do something. I mean it wasn't like he was just going to say "Hmm. I wonder how these got here." and then put them back in the drawer.

I was right about that. He did something. First we talked about half an hour with him asking questions and not giving up until I gave him a real answer. Then he spanked and spanked and spanked some more. He spanked through my struggling, my assurances that I had learned my lesson, my apologies and my tears. I didn't think it was ever going to stop.

The entire time he would lecture for a minute then stop to ask a question. I don't think the guys realize how hard it is to come up with a reasonable answer to a question when we're in that position. But I managed to answer all his questions, surprising both of us at one point by adding "sir" to my answer, something I have never done. 

I'm not sure how it happened. The word just popped out but it didn't feel as strange as I would have thought. I think the added "sir" might have been the turning point in the spanking because it ended shortly after that.

Afterwards as I laid curled up in his arms with him stroking my back, we talked some more. It turns out he had already planned to spank even before he pulled back the blanket to see my signal. He made it explicitly clear that it was punishment, not a reset or role affirmation, so my streak must begin again.

He talked about his role in my downward spiral. He apologized for not following through when I told him I needed something to get back on track. He apologized for letting me go so long without acting.

Then in a move that left me shocked (and wondering if he had been reading Willie's blog), he said we would be doing daily role affirmation until he felt like I was fully back on track. My thoughts on that must have shown on my face because he was quick to explain that it wouldn't stop the first day I did well, but would continue until he saw a clear pattern that I was doing well. He's also bringing back weekly role affirmation since I didn't do well without it.

I think I'll wrap this up now because this post has grown a bit larger than I planned. In the meantime, pray for my bottom. It's pretty tender today and with daily role affirmation starting tomorrow, it's going to need all the help it can get.

15 comments:

  1. I wish we had a guage that would warn them when our submission level is low. Or an alarm.
    Bea

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    1. That would definitely be a helpful thing to have Bea.

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  2. Oh bless you, daily doesn't sound like much fun, I hope you get back on track jolly fast and it doesn't last long, Lots of love
    Jan.xx

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    1. That's what I said Jan. Actually I think my words were "You're kidding, right?"

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  3. Definitely praying for your bottom Dana...hope you get what you need to get fully back on track soon!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  4. Its not so bad, Dana, lol, we spank daily (yes, yes I do have a teflon butt, lol). There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need, sweetie, and if you kept spiraling I don't think he'd have thought you were trying to be controlling if you had asked again. But it's all good in the end :)

    (((hugs)))

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    1. After daily role affirmation, I may have a Teflon butt myself June. I know I can ask. Steve has even encouraged me to ask because he'd rather me let him know than just keep spiraling. But it's still hard for me.

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  5. Hi Dana, I'm sorry about your no punishment streak and am praying for your bottom and hope you get back to where you want to be real soon!

    Rick uses talking and lecturing to redirect instead of spanking (or any other consequence) quite frequently too. I guess we have to try and accept and trust their decision and that it doesn't mean they are giving up, or have lost interest in ttwd. I know with Rick, it's usually because he genuinely feels that is all that is warranted. I too have been known to utter "sir" during a lecture or punishment. It wasn't something he required, it just came out LoL

    Hang in there!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. If I'm mostly on track and it's a minor thing or I'm just starting to slip, talking or lecturing will work. But once I start spiraling, it just goes in one ear and out the other without connecting.

      Not to mention, as I keep reminding him, if he's going to change things, he needs to tell me. I might not have reacted as badly if he had took the time to explain that he wanted to try redirecting without spanking. Or at least I would have told him it wasn't working.

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  6. I don't think we would have ever made it very long, Dana, without weekly or twice a week role affirmations. Most of us seem to need that. I'm glad you're back on track and hope the next week is a much better one!

    Sara

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  7. Dana, I am sorry it had to get to that point, I hope that the daily reaffirmations help until you can get down to your weekly one again. {{{HUGS}}} Not having a clearn timeline must be scary, but hopefully you can trust him to be fair. :)

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    1. Thanks Es May. It is a little scary not knowing how long I can expect the daily to continue. Of course as Steve told me, it's up to me and my behavior how long it continues so my best bet is to get back on track fast. I do trust him and trust that he will stop them once he feels comfortable I've reached the point that the weekly will be enough.

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  8. Eek! Sorry for you AND your bottom Dana. I have been there. We did a 2 week stretch of daily RA and it was rough. It helped tremendously though ;)

    Hugs

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