I started writing a post last night about how things were going, but I really didn't know what to say. When I was writing it, I was caught up in an overwhelming swirl of emotions. I debated about posting it at all because I wasn't completely sure it would make sense. That changed this morning.
You see see we've been in a strange place lately. DD had pretty much disappeared, leaving only lingering traces of the changes it brought. Daily role affirmation hadn't really happened. Punishment spankings were non-existent. There had been no lectures, no warnings, no looks, no sign that there was someone leading. There was just a single remark that came across as more of a joke than something real.
Some things were the same. We still had some of the closeness. The dishes still got done every night before bed. I even made it through the horror moans without Snappy making an appearance.
A couple times, I wondered if it was possible that this was all just some crazy dream that I just woke up from. If not for this blog and a drawer full of implements, I would have been hard-pressed not to believe that I had imagined it all.
I felt off-kilter, adrift without an anchor. I was frustrated at the change. I had moments of panic where I feared we'd slowly go back to the way things used to be before we started this journey. I didn't want to go back. To be honest, I'm not sure I can go back, not after seeing how great things can be.
I felt like he was withdrawing from me. I wondered why. I started letting old fears prey on me. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I knew I needed to talk to Steve, to let him in on all this going on in my head. But I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't even sure I understood it myself. Even if I could voice all this, what if he said something I wasn't ready to hear?
Just like usual when something is on my mind, I didn't sleep well last night. I laid in bed with thoughts swirling in my head for a couple hours before finally falling into a restless sleep. This morning I was no closer to a solution so I started falling back into an old habit. I buried it, put on my mask and got on with things.
To my surprise, it was Steve that brought things to a head. When I got back from taking our daughter to school, he was up. I told him I was going back to bed because I didn't sleep well. He told me he didn't either and if he had to be up, so did I.
I went to lay down. I wasn't trying to be defiant. In all honesty, I didn't think he was serious. I've laid back down before if I've had a bad night and it's never been a problem as long as I still got my chores done before he got home.
Steve followed a few minutes later and when he found me in bed, he said he should spank me. I might have said something like "yeah right" and hinted that he was all talk. He got quiet for a minute and then asked if I really thought that. I guess things weren't quite as buried as I thought they were because before I could really think it through, I told him it sure seemed like it these days.
The next thing I knew I was flipped onto my stomach, he was straddling the back of my thighs and the paddle was beating out a rhythm on my backside. I guess I should be grateful that he didn't take the time to pull down my pants because it stung like the dickens even with pants on.
I dissolved in a puddle of tears a minute or two later and after a few more swats, he moved to kneel in the middle of the bed. I sat up in front of him, leaning into him and burying my face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me until the tears slowed.
Then Steve laid down on his side, pulling me into him. We laid there like that for a few minutes, not talking just holding onto each other. Finally he asked what was going on in my head.
I thought it would be hard to put into words, but it turned out to be surprisingly easy. I told him I felt like he quit on me. Even though I didn't say it out loud, he understood that I wasn't just talking about DD.
You see I've always had this unspoken fear that people in my life will decide I'm not worth the trouble and walk away. Part of it stems from my ex. While he never raised a hand to me, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He used the threat of him leaving to keep me in line.
Steve never really knew about this fear until a couple years ago. He had a break one day and called to invite me to have lunch with him at a local restaurant. He just wanted to spend a little time with me because he had been working some long hours and we hadn't had much time together.
I got it in my head that he was going to tell me it was over and had chosen a public place to do it, knowing I'd turn and walk away rather than fall apart or cause a scene in front of strangers. He didn't understand why my hands were trembling, why I was so quiet, why I flinched when he reached across the table for my hand. It wasn't until that night when we were talking that I finally confessed my fear.
After I told Steve that I felt like he quit on me, we talked some. He reassured me of his love and said he wasn't going anywhere. While we have some more talking yet to do, we're on steadier ground now. I found out that I wasn't quite as adrift as I thought I was. Apparently there was a line holding me to the shore and he's reeling me back in.