Love, respect and trust. These are the foundation of any relationship-marriage, DD or otherwise. When one of those is missing, a rift forms. Let untended, the rift can grow. As it grows, that foundation grows shakier until the whole thing comes tumbling down.
A rift can be repaired if you care enough to make the effort. But it's important to move fast to preserve the integrity of your foundation. Wait too long and the rift takes more effort to repair, if it's even possible.
A crack formed in our foundation when something was said that upset me. Rather than let a small thing cause a big problem., I chose to fix the crack myself. I let go of what was basically a tactless remark and let the memories of feeling loved, cherished and taken care of while dealing with my toothache heal the breach.
Another thing was said a day later. It wasn't simply a tactless remark or even something that I took the wrong way. It was deliberate and cut deep. That's one of the problems with growing so close. Your partner knows exactly where to strike to have the most impact.
I was hurt and angry. Once again, I tried to rise above it, but this time I didn't succeed. A rift formed. I withdrew behind the wall that was going up fast. He made no attempt to fix things. The one time I tried to talk to him,
he shut me down hard, basically telling me he didn't do anything wrong
and I was just being grumpy.
Then I found out something he had did behind my back. He didn't cheat, but the issue is something that I feel strongly about. We had talked about it before and he had swore he would never do it. And yet I found out he had.
The hurt and anger grew. So did the wall. So did the rift. I didn't even try to talk to him. I just withdrew even deeper. I didn't trust myself not to lash out so I started avoiding him, leaving the room whenever he came in.
I wasn't feeling loved or respected. I didn't feel too trusting. That has no place in DD. So I took it out of the equation. I bagged up all of our implements and headed out to the bin on the curb, knowing it was due to be picked up soon.
But I couldn't do it. Maybe it was my inner frugality rebelling against the thought of tossing items we had paid for with hard-earned money. Maybe it was the hope that he would see what was going on and attempt to fix things. Whatever it was, I brought the bag back inside, storing it away where it wouldn't be easily uncovered.
It was Wednesday when I set out for the curb with that bag. It took me two days to even get to the point where I decided to post about it. To be honest, I felt kind of weird posting that things had gone so wrong when I was just posting last week about how good they were. But while I could talk to my offline friends about us not getting along, I couldn't talk to them about being hurt enough to call a halt to DD. So I came here.