Saturday, May 11, 2013

Falling Apart

Love, respect and trust. These are the foundation of any relationship-marriage, DD or otherwise. When one of those is missing, a rift forms. Let untended, the rift can grow. As it grows, that foundation grows shakier until the whole thing comes tumbling down.

A rift can be repaired if you care enough to make the effort. But it's important to move fast to preserve the integrity of your foundation. Wait too long and the rift takes more effort to repair, if it's even possible.

A crack formed in our foundation when something was said that upset me. Rather than let a small thing cause a big problem., I chose to fix the crack myself. I let go of what was basically a tactless remark and let the memories of feeling loved, cherished and taken care of while dealing with my toothache heal the breach.

Another thing was said a day later. It wasn't simply a tactless remark or even something that I took the wrong way. It was deliberate and cut deep. That's one of the problems with growing so close. Your partner knows exactly where to strike to have the most impact.

I was hurt and angry. Once again, I tried to rise above it, but this time I didn't succeed. A rift formed. I withdrew behind the wall that was going up fast. He made no attempt to fix things. The one time I tried to talk to him, he shut me down hard, basically telling me he didn't do anything wrong and I was just being grumpy.

Then I found out something he had did behind my back. He didn't cheat, but the issue is something that I feel strongly about. We had talked about it before and he had swore he would never do it. And yet I found out he had.

The hurt and anger grew. So did the wall. So did the rift. I didn't even try to talk to him. I just withdrew even deeper. I didn't trust myself not to lash out so I started avoiding him, leaving the room whenever he came in.

I wasn't feeling loved or respected. I didn't feel too trusting. That has no place in DD. So I took it out of the equation. I bagged up all of our implements and headed out to the bin on the curb, knowing it was due to be picked up soon.

But I couldn't do it. Maybe it was my inner frugality rebelling against the thought of tossing items we had paid for with hard-earned money. Maybe it was the hope that he would see what was going on and attempt to fix things. Whatever it was, I brought the bag back inside, storing it away where it wouldn't be easily uncovered.

It was Wednesday when I set out for the curb with that bag. It took me two days to even get to the point where I decided to post about it. To be honest, I felt kind of weird posting that things had gone so wrong when I was just posting last week about how good they were. But while I could talk to my offline friends about us not getting along, I couldn't talk to them about being hurt enough to call a halt to DD. So I came here.

17 comments:

  1. It's terribly hard when we are hurting. I hope whatever it is you will both be able to work through it whether it is with DD or without it. ((hugs))

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  2. I am so sorry Dana. I have felt that way on two occasions myself. I hope that you will find yourself back into Steve's arms soon. I know it has been a long time, but I am around if you need to chat. I'm alone all weekend.

    love, willie

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    1. Thanks Willie. I appreciate the offer.

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  3. Oh Dana I also sorry. Trust is so important. Hoping and praying you are able to slowly and surely repair what has been broken.

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  4. I'm so sorry, Dana. It would seem that he was pushing you away with words, whether consciously or unconsciously in order to cover up the thing he did that broke your trust. He was likely aware that he broke trust. But he has to be willing to close the distance, bring down his walls and own up to his actions before it can change.

    You seem to be doing everything you can, sweetie. You have fought your walls even though you were were wronged and hurt. All you can do is remain open to him so that he feels he can come when he is ready. I think you did that when you brought that bag back inside, and when you shook off your hurt by remembering his care. Try hard not to lose that, even if you are understandably sow to trust, just let him know that he can come when he's ready to work it out.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks June. I had never really thought of it as him pushing me away because he felt guilty, but it makes sense.

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  5. Praying for you as soon as I send this comment. I know this feeling. I actually was cheated on, but any betrayal of trust with your one true love is so hard. I will pray that God will show you both what steps that you need to take. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. Thanks Belle. I've been cheated on in the past and it's a zero tolerance thing for me. Thankfully that's not what it was, although having my trust broke hurts.

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  6. Dana, I am so sorry, trust is so important in any relationship. I hope you are able to repair the rift and find your way back to each other.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  7. Dana. I'm so sorry for your pain. Wishing you continued strength and patience. Everyone has left wonderful comments and if you were here with me I would re-read June's entry to you.

    Take care,
    Meg

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    1. Thanks Meg. I reread June's comment several times.

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  8. I think it's good that you shared with us, even though it was hard. It's good to be honest about our journey. Partly to get it out so that others can help, and partly to show those that may be struggling that they aren't alone. Sometimes we only show the good, and that makes it really hard for those who are going through the bad. {{{HUGS}}}

    I am sorry that you have been so hurt. You are right, there needs to be trust for DD to work. You can't fully submit when you can't trust the one leading. I am hoping that you two are able to work all this out. DD or not, I pray your marriage gets back on a good footing. You are so definitely worth it. {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. Thanks EsMay. It's definitely hard reading everyone's good when you're hurting. Hopefully by me sharing, someone can see that DD isn't a magic wand that fixes everything. We still have problems, but we try to work things out.

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  9. No it's not a magic wand, and it's good you can share honestly here. Even though, believe me I know it's hard!

    I read your update already and I'm so glad you're ok, and came back together. I'd never have let a chance go by to wack at my husband with a big stick..lol. Good for you though,to soften and allow him to apologize and bring you back to him.

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