First, I want to thank everyone for your support, prayers and kind messages. It's truly a blessing to have such a supportive community of friends.
We have done a lot of talking this past week. We've talked about the fight. We've talked about us. And yes, we eventually talked about DD too.
After talking, we realized we both could have handled things differently. Steve was stressed and irritated about several things not related to us. Because his temper was already up, a minor issue got blew way out of proportion. He admitted he went overboard with his remarks. That's why he let me go when I started withdrawing and pushing him away, not realizing in leaving me alone, he was hurting me more.
And I have some blame in all this as well. I should have talked to him instead of withdrawing. If I had, I could have saved myself some heartbreak. It turns out the trust issue I thought was there wasn't exactly as I believed. I had heard about it from a friend, who had got it from someone else, and somewhere along the way it grew into something bigger than it was.
It's kind of like that childhood game Telephone. You sit in a circle and one person whispers a phrase in the ear of the person sitting beside them. You continue around the circle until the last person speaks the phrase out loud. Usually by that point, the phrase bears little or no resemblance to the original.
Once I realized the trust issue wasn't there and we had worked everything out, I debated about bringing up the topic of DD. I hadn't yet told Steve about being upset enough to want to throw away out implements, nor had I put them back.
It didn't seem like he had noticed their disappearance. I wasn't sure he would say anything even if he did notice. The DD area of our relationship has been floundering for a while. I was beginning to think he was just going to let it die a quiet death.
Then he threw me for a loop the other night by asking if we needed role affirmation and immediately following that with the statement that we did need it. That's when he finally realized that the implements were gone and I told him about being so wrapped up in anger and hurt that I nearly threw them away..
Steve must have been feeling pretty determined about it because he just pulled me into the bedroom and reminded me that he still had one implement. He did. He was wearing his belt the day I gathered the implements so I couldn't get it.
Then he reached for the buckle and I darted towards the door. It surprised us both because I've never ran from a spanking, role affirmation or otherwise. I may have sat down fast to avoid a swat or tried to talk or bribe my way out of it but I've never ran.
I think he set a new speed record. Even though I was closer to the door than he was, by the time I got there he was standing in front of it with his belt in hand. I backtracked, diving across the bed, but short of going out the window, there wasn't any other way out of the room. So we stood staring at each other across the bed.
I can't quite explain it, but there's something about his belt that affects me on a totally different level than any of our other implements. It's not the pain because they all hurt, some more than others. I guess it's more of an emotional or even psychological effect.
Steve must have saw something in my face because he dropped the belt. He held out his hand and told me to "Come here." I took his hand and he pulled me down on the bed, laying down beside me.
We talked for a long time. We even had a good laugh when it occurred to me that it wouldn't have done much good to throw away the hanger when we have a whole closet full of them. Clearly I hadn't thought that one through very well.
Eventually we did get around to role affirmation that night, although he didn't use the belt. I relented and told him where I had hid the implements. He went easy on me because it had been nearly a month since my last spanking, but it still hurt like the dickens. The one a couple days later did too. He's decided role affirmation will be every other day for now so it shouldn't take too long before I'm back to my usual buns of steel.
We're taking the whole experience as a learning experience. As much as we would all love for this journey to always be on smooth road, occasionally we're going to hit patches of rough road or other obstacles. But as long as we hold onto each other, we can get through it and find out way back to smoother ground.