This week I've did a lot of thinking. A little over a year ago we implemented domestic discipline in our marriage. Things have really changed over that time and now society is telling us it's all wrong. So let's take a look at before and after.
We fought. Usually over the same stupid things. Things would get said that would leave both of us hurting so we'd withdraw. I was the queen of silent treatments and could easily go days without speaking. Then because nothing actually got resolved, we'd end up in another fight later.
Even when we weren't fighting or giving each other the silent treatment, we didn't talk much. When we did, it wasn't anything deep. We talked about the house, our finances, our child or what was going on with friends or other family members. But we didn't talk about us or what we were feeling.
We shared a house and a bed, but rarely touched. Sex was infrequent. We rarely sat beside each other or snuggled. Even in our sleep, we would migrate to opposite sides of the bed, leaving a huge gap between us.
I made mistakes. Who doesn't? But I'd beat myself up over them, letting my guilt overwhelm me. I would be so focused on feeling guilty that I'd end up doing something else I regretted.
Ah, yes, those were the good old days, back when we were "normal."
We rarely fight. When we do, it usually blows over pretty quickly. We both try harder not to withdraw. That doesn't mean it still doesn't happen sometimes, but it rarely takes long for one of us to make the first move..
We talk more and we talk about everything. I've told Steve things I've never told anyone before in my life. Because we're more open with each other, we can sense when something isn't right with the other, even without a single word being said.
We touch more. I often meet him in the driveway before he even gets out of the truck so I can get a hug and a kiss. He'll grab my hand as I'm walking through the living room and pull me down in his lap for a kiss. We snuggle up together nearly every night. We fall asleep in each others' arms.
I still make mistakes. But they're dealt with, I forgive myself and move on.
It's terrible the way things are now, now that I'm "abused." I guess I should be grateful for that article that made me rethink things. I should schedule an appointment with a shrink right away so I can work through my mental issues and stand up to that meanie I'm married to.
I can understand why outsiders might find our relationship strange. When I first came across the concept of domestic discipline, I thought it was strange myself. It's different.
But I was intrigued by the idea so I started reading more. I came across bloggers such as Stormy, Sara, Grace, Susie, Kay, and Ward and June (I'm not linking because some of them are private now and even if they weren't, I'm not helping those idiots find more people to bash). I saw that their relationships were far from abusive. Instead they were loving. I think Stormy said it best when she called it domestic harmony.
Instead of being appalled by their relationships, I was jealous. I wanted that for me and Steve. I wanted that total openness with each other, the security of knowing that if I made mistakes we could fix them. I wanted that harmony.
So I talked to Steve about it and we decided to give it a try. A little over a year ago we started this journey. We've had our ups and downs, but we both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before, back when we were "normal" in society's eyes.
We like the way things are now. We like the fact that we're head over heels for each other again. We like the fact that we genuinely miss each other when we're apart, even if it's just for a few hours. We like the fact that we can talk to each other about anything. We like the fact that we've found that harmony that I was so jealous of.
I don't care if society thinks we're not normal. I don't want to be like everyone else. In a time where many choose to walk away rather than work things out, I'm proud to be one of the minority. Our way of working things out might be a bit different than everyone else, but it worked for us. And for us, that makes it worth it in the end.