Thursday, November 21, 2013

Off the Speed Bump and Rolling Again

When I was frustrated and trying to find a way to get Steve to put his HoH hat back on, I didn't really expect it to go the way it did. But I guess that's the way it works. If I could direct how things go, he wouldn't really be in the lead.

It all started with a phone call yesterday afternoon. It wasn't a good one. Someone is trying to stir up trouble for us and unfortunately, they succeeded in it. As if the situation wasn't bad enough to start with, I inadvertently made it worse.

I called Steve to let him know what was going on, including confessing to my part in making it worse. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. When he got home from work, I was still pretty upset about everything so I kept looking to him for support, waiting for him to tell me it was going to be okay. But he didn't.

Instead he withdrew. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. He's always been my rock, the one I lean on when things get crazy, and not being able to lean on him and have his support hit me pretty hard. I tried to keep it together and mostly succeeded. At one point, my emotions (and tongue) threatened to get the better of me so I told him I needed a few minutes and went to another room until I could pull myself together. That's a point towards progress at least.

He didn't say much through the evening. I guess he could tell I was worried about the situation and felt terribly guilty over my part in making it worse. When we went to bed, each of us on our own side of the bed, neither of us could sleep.

Finally he relented and curled up against me. He still didn't say anything, just wrapped his arm around me. We laid there for a while not talking. Some of the tension drained from me and all of a sudden I was exhausted.

I had just drifted off to sleep when the first swat landed. It wasn't one of those easy warm up swats either. It was a doozy, one of those that tells you right away that it's going to be a hard spanking to take. I debated about telling him he should take it easy because it's been a while since I've been spanked, but then I thought better of it (probably a good thing in hindsight).

The ones that followed were even worse. He doesn't often spank with his hand, but it definitely carries a wallop. Last night was the first time he's ever brought me to tears spanking with his hand, which was surprising considering I still had my panties on (not that they offered a lot of coverage or protection). And he didn't say a word, not that he really needed to.

Normally he stops pretty fast once I start crying, but that didn't happen. Instead he peeled down my panties. Considering I was already in tears from being spanked with them on, I was not exactly looking forward to feeling his hand against my bare bottom.

That feeling in the pit of my stomach got even worse when I heard the dresser drawer open. Those swats by hand over the panties were nothing compared to what the paddle on a bare, already sore bottom was like. Barely ten swats in and I was chanting steady I'm sorrys.

Steve spoke up then, telling me I wasn't sorry enough yet. It's the only time he spoke through the entire spanking. The swats got even worse from there. I've got some bad spankings since we started this journey, but this one was definitely the worst.

When it was over, he let me go, dropped the paddle back in its usual resting spot and laid down. I kept waiting for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me it was over and I was forgiven, but he didn't. Finally I readjusted my clothing and climbed back up in the bed since I had somehow wound up at the foot of the bed during all the activity. I lay there on my stomach stealing glances at him from time to time, but it was clear that he had withdrawn again. Eventually I fell asleep.

This morning I got our daughter off to school and then waited for Steve to get up. Once he did, I asked the question that had been rattling around in my head since the night before. Was he still upset with me? He said he wasn't, just disappointed, which of course is even worse than him being upset with me. That put an ache in my heart that matched the ache in my bottom.

He took the day off to help me deal with the situation the trouble-maker had stirred up. It wasn't until we were eating lunch that I finally got around to asking him about the other thing that was bothering me-his failure to comfort me after the spanking. When he said he wasn't exactly in the comforting mood, I came close to losing it. This whole situation has my emotions running pretty high.

Since I know his are running high as well and the last thing I want is us to end up fighting because we're both wound up, I excused myself for a few minutes to pull it together. Once I had calmed down, I came back and we talked some more. I told him that his failure to comfort me left me feeling like he was still upset with me and hadn't forgiven me. He listened to what I had to say and then apologized for the way he'd handled it.

The rest of the day went a bit better after that. We're not out of the woods yet, but thankfully it seems like we've made some progress at getting out of the situation we're in. We should know before too long whether it's over or not. Then we can deal with the troublemaker.

It seems hard to believe that only two day have passed since I was talking about speed bumps. One thing about it, when Steve decides it's time we get off the speed bump, he does it. While the sore bottom I'm sitting on is probably going to linger for a few days, I feel better now knowing that he's got us.

18 comments:

  1. Dana,
    That sounded like a huge spanking. A paddle spanking is horrible and not to be comforted, so very hard. Sounds like things are settled now. Sore bottom not wasted.
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. I hate the paddle, which of course is why it's so effective. I try to look on the bright side though. It could have been worse. He could have brought out the cane, which I hate even more.

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  2. I'm sorry :( hopefully you guys will get back to 100% soon.
    Hugs,
    Elle

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  3. Oh Dana I'm sorry for all of it. I hate external sources that affect our lives, and lets face it you have had your share. Grrr. But most of all I know the feeling of a spanking in silence where you may deserve it, but there feels like such a disconnect. It makes it feel so much worse. I don't always want to be comforted right after a spanking, but I want to know that he is there for me if I need. It is such a lonely feeling when they aren't. In short my heart was breaking for your reading the beginning part of this post.
    Your optimism at the end of your post is wonderful. Sometimes things don't go the way we want or can be extremely messy at times, but if you can see the positives in them you are ahead of the game. I hope your connection continues to grow and the troublemaker disappears.
    willie

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    1. Thanks Willie. The spanking was bad, but the silence was even worse. Even though I knew exactly why I was getting spanked, not having his voice to focus on during it made it hard to take.

      The aftercare part is important for me. Even if he doesn't say a word, just the feel of his arms around me lets me know it's over and I'm forgiven. The only time I don't want that aftercare is when I'm still upset and he hasn't got me to where I need to be.

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  4. Awww Dana...I am so sorry that you had such a rough time and I am happy to hear that you two are beyond the hump. But I have to say this...Steve, this comes from a woman who has been in 2 different TTWD relationships and have seen both the good and the bad. Please, be a bit more careful of your mental state prior to spanking...your wife really needed to know she was forgiven...not left to sleep without that knowledge...especially after such a hard spanking.

    Sending lots of positive energy that the situation is resolved they way you want and that the troublemaker gets what they deserve!

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. We talked some more about it last night. A lot of it came down to the fact that he was so upset. In fact, he said he almost put the spanking off. Don't get me wrong. He didn't spank in anger. He was fully in control of himself through the spanking, but his displeasure with the situation was crystal clear.

      Now that we've talked, he understands why the comforting part is so important. He did apologize and has tried to make up for it by giving me lots of reassurance since he knows I was feeling pretty vulnerable.

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  5. Oh Dana, I'm so sorry you had such a hard time. That sounded like such a hard spanking and to have silence and no comforting. That hurts.

    I'm glad to hear you communicated about how you both felt afterwards and that you are moving forward.

    I hope the situation you are facing is resolved to your satisfaction soon.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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  6. I'm sorry, Dana. Sounds aweful and yet...wonderful at the same time. It may seem odd...but my favorite part to read was when you stepped away to another room to gather yourself. That's progress and you recognizing that. Just huge. The second thing is that as a girl...it takes a lot for me to see from his eyes that we are both 'wound up' and choosing my words are even MORE important to show my submission. Oh how easy it would be sometimes to switch to the old Jacy.
    Your post is encouraging and wonderful despite your sore bottom. Which, really, was good too.
    Blessings, Jacy

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    1. Thanks Jacy. I use to let it fly when I got wound up, which landed me in hot water more often than not. Now that I'm recognizing when I'm reaching that point and giving myself a little time to get things under control, it goes a lot smoother.

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  7. Ah Dana, I'll take a dozen horrible spankings over one single day of those kinds of emotions where you don't know if you are forgiven and you know that they are disappointed. It's heart wrenching. I'm glad you are feeling better now and are on the same page.

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    1. Me too Susie. The spankings don't hurt near as much as the hurt of feeling unforgiven or knowing that he's disappointed with me.

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  8. Oh Dana, my heart just broke for you when reading this. I don't know what I would do if I ever wasn't comforted after a spanking like that. I am so glad you shared with him, and look at how far you have come, twice asking for a few minutes when you needed to get your emotions under control! Way to go. :) I hope you are really proud of yourself, I know we all are. :) :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Thanks EsMay. It was definitely a difficult experience, but I think we both learned something from it.

      I am proud of myself. Not only because it kept things from getting out of a hand, but also that I let him know that's why I was walking away instead of just going, which would have had him thinking I was just mad.

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  9. Aw, I'm so sorry this happened - it can be so tough and emotional. I'm glad you talked it out, and are on the same page again!

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  10. Dana, I'm so sorry it went like that. My heart was racing with the intensity of it, I've been there too and it's a not so fun byproduct of ttwd. I give you credit for bringing up your concerns the day after. It can be so hard to open it up again but sometimes it has to be done to make things better. I'm glad that you're feeling better now. Hugs!

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