Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Purge Post

I don't even know where to start or if this is even going to make sense. I've written and deleted more posts in the last couple months than I have in nearly two years of blogging. Today I'm just going to keep writing an maybe something will click by the time it's over. Since I have no idea whether this post is going to end up being something or not, you're not going to hurt my feelings if you decide to skip this post. I just need to get it out.

A couple months ago I hit a funk. I got moody, my appetite took a hike, insomnia kicked in and motivation and focus were nowhere in sight. When I couldn't shake it after a week or so, I thought I might be sliding into depression again. Steve and I talked and since neither of us really wanted me to have to go back on medication again, we decided to try to work it ourselves before it got the point that I had to go that route.

He has been amazing. He gave me space when it was clear I wanted to be alone, but if it started going too long, he'd drag me out of the house (figuratively) to go do something so I didn't sit and just wallow. He kept after me to eat. He made sure I got enough rest. He's offered a lot of grace with my slip ups, probably more than he should have in all honesty. He pampered in little ways.

Between everything he was doing and getting past all the stress of the holidays, I thought I'd start to feel more like myself. But I didn't. All of a sudden I was mad at the world. Everything irritated me.  It was like PMS in overdrive. Snappy moved right in and took over. Steve's patience started to wear a little thin.

It came to a head last night. He asked me about something that I was supposed to have done and he had been asking about for a few days. I brushed him off. Out came the paddle and an order to strip down and turn on my stomach.

I just could not do it. In my head, I kept telling myself that he was right and it was needed, but something in me just kept right on refusing. After a minute or two, he realized something was up and asked what was wrong. It's hard to explain something when you don't quite understand it yourself. But he was persistent about the fact it was going to happen so eventually I gave in, but not without a bit of attitude.

That spirit of cooperation flew right out the window with the first swat. I fought him the entire time, which is unusual. While there have been some occasions where I've fought him at first, I usually settle down fairly quick and give in to the fact it's going to happen. That didn't happen this time. I kept fighting, right up until the point I jerked away from him and slid across the bed.

I lay there for a few minutes expecting him to tell me to come back any second, but he didn't. He just stopped. He was quiet for a bit and then he asked what was wrong. All I could think of was that I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it and that it hadn't worked.

Instead of leaving me all soft and sweet, it irritated me. I was mad at him for spanking me. I was mad at him for stopping before I got to that point where softness and sweetness kicks in. Even more than that, I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had got in trouble. I was mad that I hadn't been able to cooperate. I was mad that I couldn't give in so I could reach that soft, sweet submissive core that used to be so easy to find.

We talked for a while about it, but I'm not sure whether we really got any where. He didn't try to spank again. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. So now I'm even more confused and out or sorts than I was to begin with.

12 comments:

  1. Hey Dana...spanking is just a tool and one small part of what a DD relationship is all about and isn't always what is needed. The main thing is communication and it seems as if you have shut down...not sure what works for you since each of us is different but you erally do need to figure that out. Since you have fought depression in the past to the point where you've had to go on medication, you might need to go back on it just for a bit until you are able to level out.

    Ya know, it doesn't matter whether you're in a DD marriage or a vanilla marriage...bottom line, it takes work and communication from both parties to make the relationship work.

    Sending lots of prayers and positive energy that you are able to work things out soon.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. I think you hit the nail on the head about me shutting down. When I start to get overwhelmed, I do have a tendency to do that, even though I should know by now that it doesn't help.

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  2. Dana.. I don't know you well, but I do understand depression and I feel this is whereyou are at. Don't fight against being on meds to help balance you out. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to not take their insulin right? Well if you deal with depression this is a chemical imbalance that also requires the right meds to get back in sync. Spanking won't help that by itself. But if YOU are more like yourself, your likely to be more receptive to your spouse. Just something to think about. Getting mad at your partner will only make it harder to work through the issues. Communication is everything.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Catherine. My getting mad at Steve wasn't intentional. It was more a lashing out because I felt so off-kilter and he's the one person I feel safe enough to let things fly with. Now that we've talked, he sees that I wasn't truly angry with him.

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  3. Hi Dana, I'm so sorry you are going through this and for how things ended up with Steve. I really hope things even out for you soon. As the others said, maybe going back on medication, just for a bit may be a good idea. Medication or not, I hope you will see your Doctor (if you haven't already).

    Hugs,
    Roz

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  4. Dana,
    A version of this happened to me last night (but of course without the months of feeling off as you have.) I know that if I am not ready for a spanking and desperately don't want it, have expressed how difficult it will be, there is a train wreck on the way. It just doesn't work and I am left out of sorts. All there is to do is honestly sort out what is going on and where you need to go for help. What does Steve think you need to do in order to move out of where you have been for the past couple months?

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    1. Thanks Susie. This was the first time for us so it was a bit of a learning experience. Looking back, I think Steve handled the situation well by backing off instead of pushing the issue and we have since talked and cleaned the slate.

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  5. Hi Dana, I am so sorry that you are going through a rough patch. You have my sympathy, depression is such a hard illness to fight. I hope you feel better soon
    love Jan.x

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  6. Dana,
    Rough patches are hard all the way around. It will work out.
    Meredith

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