Friday, April 18, 2014

The Last Word

One of the things that makes DD so effective at reducing conflict is that it eliminates what I like to call the last word syndrome. Since I just made that term up, I'll go ahead and definite it for you. The last word syndrome occurs when a couple has a disagreement over something. Rather than come to a compromise or one person yield, both are determined to have the last word. So the argument goes on and on, sometimes until the last word is something that they regret.

DD does away with that. When we agree to put our HoH in the leadership role, we give up the right to have the last word. We understand that we will have an opportunity to share our point of view, but at the end of the day, the HoH makes the decision.

I'll admit that this took me a little while to wrap my head around. While I was happy to have Steve leading, I've been known to dig my heels in on things, especially if I feel that I am right. On some issues, it was easy for me to concede and let him have the last word. On other issues, not so much. I've gotten better with it over time.

But every once in a while, there's one of those disagreements that isn't really worth fighting over, but I'm irritated enough to want to have the last word. It doesn't matter that my last word isn't going to win anything. I just want an outlet for my frustration. In those cases, I tend to give my last word quiet enough that it's likely to go unheard or (the smarter move) wait until I'm far enough away that it will definitely go unheard.

This morning was one of those times. We've had an ongoing discussion about how something (non DD related) should be done. I already had my own way of doing it, which had working for me for a long time, so I wasn't interested in changing. Steve thought his way was better, but since he hadn't specifically told me I had to do it his way, I kept doing it my way.

This morning he basically forced the issue by starting the process before I did so I had to do it his way. In the process, he managed to hit two of my major pet peeves, one of which is people messing with a system I have that works just fine for me.

I was irritated enough about it to say something. At first, he just let me vent. I think maybe he recognized that the way he had went about it was not the best way to get me to try it. So he let me go. Right up until the point that I told him his idea was stupid. I was in the process of pulling a shirt over my head when I said it so I didn't see his eyes narrow, but considering the tone of his response, there's not a doubt in my mind that they did narrow. The exact words he said aren't really important, but the general gist of what he said is that his idea wasn't stupid.

I still thought he was wrong, but I didn't want to argue about it so I simply shut my mouth and walked off.  Unfortunately, this was one of those times when I needed that last word to vent my frustration. As I was exiting the room, I said very quietly "It is a stupid idea." To be honest, I didn't think he'd hear me say it.

He must have been waiting for me to say something (the man knows me well) because he did hear what I said. Before I could even get the bedroom door shut, I heard his response, which was "Unless you want me to put you over my knee and paddle your behind while we have a long conversation about what is stupid, you better drop it."

I guess he got the last word after all.

12 comments:

  1. Ooh Dana...close call! ;) Don't ya just love how they seem to have super hearing when they are in HoH mode! Happy your bottom didn't have to pay.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Yeah it was a close call. We talked about it later that evening and he said he was very close to spanking me over it, even before I threw that last word in.

      And the super hearing he seems to develop at times never fails to amaze me.

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  2. I like to get in the last word so if I was in a similar situation I would have been in trouble. Your man definitely knows you well. Amyee

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    1. He really does know me well. I have no doubt that he knew I was going to say something even before I decided it.

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  3. Oh my Dana, yep, I'd say he got the last word! I'm with Cat, what is with the super hearing powers the suddenly seen to develop which they don't seem to possess at other times!

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. It is amazing how they can hear something when you don't want them to and yet can't hear you when you do want them to.

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  4. Yes, isn't it amazing how that power disappears when one of the children are calling in the middle of the night?!!
    You were lucky, I always try for the last word too but as you say normally under my breath or after leaving the room!

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    1. I usually try to wait until I'm completely out of the room. The safest spot seems to be on the other side of the house in our laundry room with my head in the dryer.

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  5. You are very lucky that he gave you one last chance. Disrespect is a biggy around here. And if I have a different opinion, I need to share without attitude or without being rude about it. DD does take care of the last word syndrome. That has really helped us with our marriage.

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    1. It wasn't until later in the day that it hit me how disrespectful my remark was to him. I did apologize to him for what I said.

      Disrespect is one of the rules that Steve has trouble punishing over, probably because it often occurs as a direct result of me feeling disrespected by him. He has said before that he doesn't feel right punishing for it if he played a role in getting me there.

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    2. Ty feels that way too. He apologizes but that doesn't excuse me. He claims that I could tell him nicely that he is being an ass without being disrespectful. But I am not allowed to say, "Ty you are being an ass"

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  6. Isn't it amazing how they have super power hearing when we say something we don't want them to hear? Lol, I know what you mean about the last word - I have a long way to go until I'm able to stop needing to get that last word in. I'm pretty damn stubborn. ;) But usually, comments like the one he made, help me out in those situations lol.

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