Thursday, May 1, 2014

Respect





Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking on respect. One of the reasons I brought DD to Steve was that I didn't like how disrespectful I was to him at times and I wanted to change that. While I've got better about it since then, it's still an area I sometimes struggle with.


In an effort to get a clearer picture of what disrespect is, I picked the brains of some of the guys in chat yesterday. I asked them what they considered to be disrespect. They were kind enough to give me some examples.
  • saying you will follow their advice, then doing what you want to do instead
  • using words like "fine" and "whatever" when they're explaining why a behavior is unacceptable
  • contradicting them in front of others on small issues
  • mocking or sarcasm in front of others
  • walking off without replying
  • slamming doors or banging stuff around

I also did some searching online to see if I could find more examples. I found a really great blog post that had a huge list that the writer had compiled from various places. I'm not going to link it here because it's not a DD blog so they might not like a link from one, but if you search "what is disrespectful to husbands?" it should be one of the first results. Rather than duplicate the entire list, I'll just share a few here.
  • telling him what to do
  • yelling or cursing at him
  • undermining his authority as a parent by refusing to enforce something he's said or by stepping in when he's reprimanding one of the kids
  • second-guessing or questioning all his decisions
  • withholding sex because you're angry or using it to manipulate him
  • not showing appreciation for the things he does
  • mothering him

Now clearly every guy is going to have their own idea of what disrespect is. If you hang around us for a while, chances are you'd hear me call Steve a goober, most likely in response to him saying or doing something silly. Now some guys would take that as being disrespectful, especially if it was said in front of others. However, Steve knows it's just my way of saying "You're being goofy, but I love you." He takes it as a term of affection rather than disrespect.

I'd like to say I've never did any of the things that I found in my research, but it would be a lie. I'm human and I make mistakes, especially before DD when respect wasn't high on my list of priorities. I still make some of these mistakes even now.

My research has given me plenty of food for thought and I'll definitely be talking to Steve in the near future to get a better understanding of what he sees as disrespect. In the meantime, I'm going to try to focus on doing away with those behaviors that I already know are disrespectful.

20 comments:

  1. Great insight. I never really thought I disrespected D before we started this journey but now I that maybe I was borderline at times.. Kinda makes me sad looking back , I don't cross this line at all anymore but its interesting to look back and see how things use to be. It is hard to suggest things to them, you do have to get fancy with the wording sometimes so it doesnt fall under telling him what to do..:) ~s

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    1. That line between suggesting and bossing can sometimes be very fine. I've had the most success by phrasing it as a question "What do you think about ____?" That way I can make my suggestion, but also make it clear that it's his choice.

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  2. Oh I do still most definitely cross that line. Especially if 'in front of others' includes the children! His biggest complaint is that I don't always back him up with our boys.
    I am trying but it's hard isn't it?

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    1. I do try to back up Steve. It can be hard at times. Even if I agree with him on the issue, I'm still the one that has to deal with the temper tantrum or stay on her to make sure it gets done.

      I used to just tell her what he said to do and let it go, but then he said it was my responsibility to enforce what he said. If she didn't do whatever he asked, I got spanked too for not doing my job and enforcing it.

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  3. Great post, and I still struggle with disrespect. Honestly, it's my biggest struggle but it's much better with DD. It's very interesting to see and hear what they consider disrespect, and sometimes it's not always what you think. It will be interesting to hear what Steve says.

    :)

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    1. The two things that prompted me asking for DD (disrespect and procrastination) are the two things I struggle with the most. I am curious to see what Steve thinks.

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  4. Hey Dana.

    At our house I knew I wasn't being all that respectful to Barney in our relationship too. Very dismissive. Oddly enough, when we first started ttwd he had a conversation with Lillie's Ian and told him that he didn't think I was disrespectful. I'll never forget Ian's response, " Maybe she isn't, or maybe you have just gotten so used to it over the years you no longer recognize it". I think it is fair to say that he recognizes it now!
    I too tease Barney and call him names. One time I did it in front of another HOH and his wife said, " Hey, how come she can get away with it and I can't? " He said, " It's all in the intent. "
    I think you are so right about the disrespect being as individual as ttwd. I know my @$$ would be grass at another house! LOL But Barney always says, " I am not so insecure that I can't take a little ribbing from my sassy wife".
    Thanks for the points to read over. Always a good reminder!
    willie

    Oh and I word my 'suggestions' in question form too. Barney just chuckles he knows they aren't really questions!

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    1. I asked Steve a while back if the reason I rarely got spanked for disrespect was because he didn't see it as disrespect or if it was because he was so used to it that he didn't notice when it happened. Hearing him say it was because he was so used to it really bothered me.

      Thankfully Steve doesn't mind a little playful sass, but there is definitely a line there that I have to watch out for.

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    2. I understand why that would bother you. At the time Ian said that I was happy he did, but the realization that was actually the case in our house made me upset too.

      I haven't yet crossed the playful line- thankfully. I am more disrespectful when I am hurt and we are discussing things. It is like my emotions take over, and it isn't pleasant.

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  5. Really good lists, Dana. My husband and I "discussed" respect a couple of days ago. It's definitely a work in progress for me. I'm guilty of doing a few things on those lists!

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    1. Thanks Autumn. Hopefully that "discussion" wasn't OTK.

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    2. Sadly, it was! A good bit of it happened in the corner as well...sigh.

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  6. Great post Dana...Matthew never minded my teasing and sassiness but if I had said some of those things when I was angry, I would have had a hard time sitting for quite a while. Mocking, sarcasm, dismissiveness, etc. in front of others would never have been considered just my sassiness.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. Steve has said before that he actually likes that I am feisty. For me, it's just a matter of staying on the playful side of it. If I'm upset, that feisty side dances me right over the line.

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  7. Great post Dana and good examples. I know disrespect is something I still struggle with at times. Good point that we see disrespect differently toneach other. There have been times I thought I had crossed the line but Rick didn't see it the same way. We tease each other all the time too.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I've actually asked Steve a few times because I thought I had been disrespectful. Sometimes he agreed with me, but occasionally he surprises me by not seeing it that way.

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  8. Great post and like other said, great examples. I think it shows a lot about you, that you went and did your research on this and got others opinions as well. It shows how important respect for your husband is to you, and I think that's so sweet.

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    1. Thanks Kenzie. It is important to me and I have been trying very hard lately to be mindful of what I say and do.

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  9. Hey Dana. Great post. I didn't really consider some of the stuff I did as disrespectful but if "mothering" M is one then it's one I'm rather frequently guilty of. I tend to chase things up to make sure they're done and he gets irritated by it. As he puts it "I'm not a child!" He hasn't spanked me for it yet, I tend to get spanked for not doing housework or having a bad attitude (that one's only occasional) but still, oops. Need to work on that one I think. The chasing things up is good at work but not when applied to M. Must remember that.

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    1. I'm guilty of mothering too. Part of it is just the way I am. I take care of everyone. One of the neighbors calls me Mama because I'm always asking if he's ate, reminding him to drink so he doesn't get dehydrated (he does yard work) or telling him to put on a jacket so he doesn't catch pneumonia.

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