I love to read. Whenever I come across an author I like, especially one that writes series, I try to get my hands on every book they've written. Lately that author has been Beverly Lewis who writes Amish fiction. The first time I came across the term ferhoodled in one of her books, I wasn't sure what it meant. Thankfully the character explained in the next line so I now know that ferhoodled means confused or mixed up..
I'm feeling a bit ferhoodled myself right now. I've said before that trust is the foundation for any relationship. I think we can all agree that our trust has been shaken this week.
I don't trust easily. The past has taught me it's not good to do so because if often ends with someone, usually me, getting hurt. So I tend to take my time and look for signs that the person is deserving of my trust before I give it.
Over the last two years, many of you have slipped past the barriers I put up and made your way into my trust. While I haven't spoke to any of you on the phone or came to visit, I've shown my trust in you by opening up more here on this blog and, for a limited few, privately in email. I've shown my trust by taking your advice to heart, believing that you speak from experience.
I've shown my trust by letting you into my heart. I've felt your frustration when you stumbled. I've felt your confusion when things were all mixed up. I've felt your joy when you succeeded. I've shared in the good and the bad that life has thrown at you.
I wasn't close to Christina like some. My heart goes out to those
that were. Having been through a similar experience with a chatroom
friend in the past, I can somewhat understand what you're going through
I was, however, an avid reader of
Christina's blog and looked up to her as a role model. The image she
portrayed as a strong, confident submissive woman was something I strive
to be myself. The fact that she slipped up and landed in hot water
occasionally made her human and helped me to see that my own stumbles
were just part of the journey.
To find out that my trust was misplaced has rocked me to my core. I'm hurt and I'm angry. It's made me doubt myself and my instincts. And it's made me wonder what others might be lurking in our community pretending to be something they're not.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I'll be honest. My initial thought was to lock down the barriers, shut
down this blog, and withdraw to the one person I know for sure is
For now, I've decided to hold off on any rash decisions, but I have to admit I'm leery. Every time I read a post or comment, I can't help but wonder "Is this person real?" I don't know if I can be as open as I have in the past knowing that the person on the other side of the screen might not be the person I believe them to be.
So consider me ferhoodled.