Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Ferhoodled

I love to read. Whenever I come across an author I like, especially one that writes series, I try to get my hands on every book they've written. Lately that author has been Beverly Lewis who writes Amish fiction. The first time I came across the term ferhoodled in one of her books, I wasn't sure what it meant. Thankfully the character explained in the next line so I now know that ferhoodled means confused or mixed up..

I'm feeling a bit ferhoodled myself right now. I've said before that trust is the foundation for any relationship. I think we can all agree that our trust has been shaken this week.

I don't trust easily. The past has taught me it's not good to do so because if often ends with someone, usually me, getting hurt. So I tend to take my time and look for signs that the person is deserving of my trust before I give it.

Over the last two years, many of you have slipped past the barriers I put up and made your way into my trust. While I haven't spoke to any of you on the phone or came to visit, I've shown my trust in you by opening up more here on this blog and, for a limited few, privately in email. I've shown my trust by taking your advice to heart, believing that you speak from experience.

I've shown my trust by letting you into my heart. I've felt your frustration when you stumbled. I've felt your confusion when things were all mixed up. I've felt your joy when you succeeded. I've shared in the good and the bad that life has thrown at you.

I wasn't close to Christina like some. My heart goes out to those that were. Having been through a similar experience with a chatroom friend in the past, I can somewhat understand what you're going through right now.

I was, however, an avid reader of Christina's blog and looked up to her as a role model. The image she portrayed as a strong, confident submissive woman was something I strive to be myself. The fact that she slipped up and landed in hot water occasionally made her human and helped me to see that my own stumbles were just part of the journey.

To find out that my trust was misplaced has rocked me to my core. I'm hurt and I'm angry. It's made me doubt myself and my instincts. And it's made me wonder what others might be lurking in our community pretending to be something they're not.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I'll be honest. My initial thought was to lock down the barriers, shut down this blog, and withdraw to the one person I know for sure is real-Steve.

For now, I've decided to hold off on any rash decisions, but I have to admit I'm leery. Every time I read a post or comment, I can't help but wonder "Is this person real?" I don't know if I can be as open as I have in the past knowing that the person on the other side of the screen might not be the person I believe them to be.

So consider me ferhoodled.

22 comments:

  1. Hey Dana...I understand your hurt and confusion. My ex used to tell me that was was too trusting and I guess I am. Yes, it has gotten me hurt in the past...including by him! But to stop trusting hurts me more than anyone just as not forgiving hurts me. It is a leap but the rewards are so worth it. To give you an example...my ex hurt me so badly and then the man I dated after him almost destroyed me but I still allowed Matthew into my life and what a blessing he was. Even his loss led me to my friends here in blogland and y'all have been worth it also. Please don't punish yourself or the rest of us by withdrawing your sweet presence.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. PS...thank you for the new word Ferhoodled...love it! :D

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    2. Thanks Cat. I can completely understand what you're saying. I had also been through some crappy relationships before meeting Steve and I had to take a leap of faith with him. It's turned out to be the best decision of my life. I'm grateful you got to experience that kind of relationship with Matthew, if only for a period of time.

      P.S.-I love the word ferhoodled too. There's just something about it that makes me smile.

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  2. I, too, share your thoughts and concerns. I think it will just take some time to process through this entire situation. Each one of us will need to work to rebuild trust and a connection where. Possible. Stay true to yourself and trust your heart and share what you feel you can. You are not alone. Quite a few of us feel like clamming up and shutting down. Give yourself sometime. And then do what you feel is right for you.

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    1. Thanks Annabelle. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's going to take some time for all of us to heal.

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  3. The anonymous nature of blogging is both a blessing a curse. I agree with Cat--I hope one person's mistake does not cause many good bloggers to lose faith and disappear :( I'm so new to Blogland, I had not even come across Christina's yet, though I'm sure I would have eventually if she'd continued.

    I'm truly sorry for everyone whose trust has been shattered by this ordeal. It makes it that much harder for newcomers to gain the trust of anyone in this community. We don't know each other, but I really enjoy your blog and hope you continue!

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    1. Thanks Autumn. I'm glad you like the blog. I think this situation might have been easier if it had been a newcomer. Instead it was someone who had been here for quite a while and had built a number of relationships. I think that's part of the hurt-the fact that the deception went on for so long.

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  4. Dana,
    I just put up a post echoing the same feelings. It has been a hard two days. The dust needs to settle and we do need one another.
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. I just read your post and completely agree.

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  5. Hi Dana, I think many of us feel the same way. I too was an avid reader and saw her as a role model. Once trust has been shattered it is hard to trust again. Take some time and share onky what you feel comfortable sharing, but please don't go. As Meredith said, we need each other.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. I'm sure it's going to take all of us some time to process our feelings and learn to trust again.

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  6. Apparently I am left in the dark. No idea what happened. But I hope everyone doesn't disappear. As it is, half the blogs that I read before I left are now gone or private and I can no longer read and catch up. Don't know what to do about that.

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    1. Brooke, a long-time member of our community recently admitted that she had made up the DD life she had shared on her blog. Many of us are hurt by the deception, especially those who she formed friendships with.

      It is sad that many of the blogs have gone private or disappeared altogether. Probably half the blogs that I once read no longer exist. It's one of the reasons I decided to hold off on making a rash decision about closing down this blog.

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  7. Dana, hugs. This is a tough time or many. The temptation to retreat to safety is forefront on all of our minds...I believe there is good in this community. There are probably more that are not worthy of trust...but while we must be cautious, isolation is dangerous as well. We need each other. It is going to take time. Trust is broken, I doubt myself, my discernment, and I too wonder "who else?" Chin up my friend. One step in front of the other. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Cole. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm struggling to find my balance.

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  8. Dana, I could have written this post. It's just how I'm feeling. I'm very wary of everyone in this community now. I've thought about taking down my blog a lot recently and this is just more fuel for that fire. I loved Red Booty Woman's blog. I felt a real kinship to her writing and truly felt like she was real and honest. This just makes me question my own judgment in this and other situations. I guess I'm not feeling so forgiving because I never was close to her but then again, were any of the others actually close to her, the real her, either?? UGH!

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    1. Thanks Subbie. I think that's part of the hurt, the fact that so many of us did feel a kinship with Christina.

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  9. Big Hugs!! I think we're all struggling to figure it out. I'm so sorry

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    1. Thanks Jennelle. I'm sure it's going to take some time.

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  10. It sure was a strange week, but I think it's important to continue being true to ourselves and others, otherwise the negative wins!
    We want to show that there are more of us than them.....

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