Saturday, September 20, 2014

How to Repair a Pothole

I don't know why it is, but it usually takes us a few tries before we're able to reconcile when we have a problem. It never fails. We'll sit down to talk, one or both of us get riled up, we separate for a little bit to cool off, and then try again. Sometimes it takes us several tries before we're successful. This time was no different.

The afternoon after I poured my heart out here, Steve texted, finally responding to the text I'd sent him the day before. He didn't say much, just that he didn't really think I cheated on him, that he knew something was bothering me, and that we needed to talk. I sent back a text agreeing with him. Since I figured we'd be sitting down to talk it out as soon as our daughter went to bed, I finally relaxed a bit.

But we didn't talk. Instead, as soon as our daughter headed for bed leaving us alone, he announced he was tired and was going to bed. No mention was made of talking. Now I know he was tired. After all, he'd just put in a 12 hour day. But being put off when I'm already upset is like pouring gas on a fire. A really bad idea.

Yesterday morning, I was a bit standoffish, but I relented when he asked me to tell him what was wrong. I told him how hurt I was by his accusation. He didn't apologize. He just kept saying that he didn't really think I was cheating and that I shouldn't be getting upset over it because it wasn't that big of a deal.

The more he tried to convince me how unimportant his comment was, the madder I got  I was so mad I ended up getting in the car and leaving for a while. I had errands I needed to run anyway and I figured a little time away would clear my head.

I came back a little calmer and ready to try again. I have to admit I was a bit ticked to find him asleep. Rather than let it get me wound up again, I let it go. I went to another room and started working on the schoolwork I've been putting off for most of the week because I couldn't focus.

Even though he didn't sleep long, I actually managed to get quite a bit done before he woke up again. When he did, he came to find me and asked me to please come sit down with him so we could talk it out. As soon as we sat down, he said the words I need to hear. He apologized. It turns out his comment about me having someone else was more him voicing a fear than a belief that I was actually doing it. He just knew that I was quiet and pulling away and he was scared of losing me.

So I told him exactly why his comment hurt, the fact that it showed a lack of trust and the worries it brought on based on the last time I was accused of cheating. Then I told him a little about what the things that had been bothering me and had me so quiet. I couldn't really get into it in depth because I had to leave to meet a woman.

A woman in our town started a group on Facebook last year where she auctions off stuff. She started off auctioning her own stuff, but now runs on donations. Instead of paying for your winnings in money, you pay in food items (canned goods and other non-perishables). The food collected is distributed to local families in need.

This week's auction included a lot with 4 bras in my size. I normally have to go to one of the bigger department stores at the mall in a nearby city to buy my bras since none of the stores here carry my size. I paid $70 for my last one. So when I saw the auction, I bid and ended up winning the lot.  It cost me 5 boxes of cereal. Since our local discount grocery had Cheerios for $1 a box, it ended up costing me only $5 for 4 bras. And they're nice pretty ones ones too, not the cheap plain serviceable ones. Yay!

Anyway, I told him I had to go pick up my winnings and he went went with me. Then since we were there anyway, we ran in the grocery store to pick up a few things. That is itself is huge because Steve hates shopping and avoids going at all costs. For him to willingly go and not make one complaint the entire time surprised me.

After we got back, we ate lunch and then picked up our discussion. Since I hadn't really opened up about everything that was bothering me, he kept prodding at me until finally I spilled. Once I got going, it was hard to stop me. He mainly just listened and threw in an occasional comment or question. A lot of it came down to me bottling a bunch of stuff up rather than talking about it because he had left me feeling like I couldn't talk. I'll not bore you with a list of stuff I was bottling, but I did talk to him about them.

About the time the conversation started winding down, he shifted and I found myself pinned face down on the bed. After a few swats over my pants, he pulled them down and started spanking in earnest. It wasn't too bad at first because he was using his hand, but as the spanking progressed, I found myself amazed once more in how solid his hand can be when he wants it to be. The whole time he was lecturing about how important it is for me to let him know how I'm feeling and not bottle stuff up inside. And how he always wants me to feel comfortable talking to him about how I'm feeling. I guess he wanted to make sure I was clear on that.

To someone outside DD, I'm sure it seems strange that our argument would end with a spanking, but for us, it was the right thing. It helped me let go of the hurt and anger completely and reconnected us. After the spanking, we reconnected in other more fun ways.

One good thing did come from all of this. For the past couple weeks, I haven't been sleeping well. That's the problem with bottling stuff. Even though you're pushing it down inside, it still keeps you up at night. But now that I finally let it all go and talked to him, I can sleep again. We had planned to snuggle up and watch a movie last night, but first Steve had to tuck our daughter in. The last thing I remember was him saying he'd be right back. I was out like a light before he made it back. I woke up at 8 this morning curled in his arms.

16 comments:

  1. Hey Dana...so happy to hear that things are much better between the two of you and that Steve apologized for the accusation. Hopefully this will be a lesson to him on communication and choosing his words more carefully.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Cat. I think he knew that comment would upset me, but he didn't realize how much of a trigger it was for me. I think he just thought it would make me mad so I'd start talking. Now that he does realize what a trigger it is for me, he will be more careful about comments of that nature in the future.

      Delete
  2. Hi Dana, I'm so glad the two of you managed to talk it through and reconnect.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  3. HAHA guess it's true - If at first we don't succeed, try try again.
    I'm glad you're in a better place. Nothing like a hot bottom and a good nights sleep to help clear the mind.
    Erika

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Erika, it's amazing how well that works for beating insomnia.

      Delete
  4. Hi Dana, :) I am so glad that you and Steve talked it out, and that it ended in such a nice connection for you both. That communication thing is so important. And the words that we choose to use are equally the same. Things sound positive. I am happy for you. Keep talking. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yay! I'm so happy you guys talked it out. A spanking is such a nice relief after an argument, especially one that seems to rock the foundation of your marriage. My husband used to be so afraid of me finding someone else too. Thankfully, that has mostly subsided, but I know we have bumps in the road ahead of us...all couples have them. So glad you were able to hang on during this last one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Autumn. A few years ago, I would have never thought I'd say it, but a spanking does clear the air after an argument.

      I have to admit I was surprised when Steve said he was scared of losing me. While I know I've had those fears, I'd never realized he did as well.

      Delete
  6. Hi Dana, I just read your first post, and I'm so happy to read this one. I'm so glad you were both able to reconnect, and yes to the outside it might seem weird, but I don't think it's weird at all. Most of our arguments now end up with me getting spanked. I totally understand about bottling up,as hard as I try not to do that..I still do, and then it all comes out. I'm glad you were able to sort it all out, and nothing is better than good sleep that comes afterwards.

    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jennelle. Ive got better about not bottling up since we started DD, but it's a hard habit to let go of since I've been doing it since childhood.

      Delete
  7. Oh wow - I'm so glad you guys were able to talk - and then continue talking.

    And ya, I'm sure it would sound strange to the outside world. But it never ceases to amaze me just how well it works and what it works on. It's unbelievable unless you've experienced it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sarah. I guess it's one of those things that you have to see for yourself before you can believe it.

      Delete
  8. I just read your last two posts & I am so glad that this one ends much better than the last! You are right, most people would think an argument ending in a spanking is weird, but here you are in great company! So so glad this ended so well for you both, but so sorry it took so long to get there, the waiting for resolution is just awful!
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Scarlet. The waiting is the hardest part.

      Delete

We love to hear what you think, but please be polite.