Saturday, January 24, 2015

Getting Personal

The other day Blondie wrote a post in which she mentioned a friend pointing out that her posts had become non-personal. It made me realize that I've got away from the personal here lately. I tried to tell myself it was because I was so busy with everything and didn't have much time to write, but the truth is that I've deliberately steered away from the personal.

I did it because writing about it meant I'd actually have to put it all into words, which meant that I'd have to accept it. And I just wasn't ready to do that yet. But avoiding the issue isn't going to change it so here it is.

I think we've reached the end of our run with DD.

It's been going downhill for a while. At first, I could understand and accept it. We just didn't have the time or privacy we needed. But once we had the time and privacy, things didn't change. The more I tried to hold onto it, the more it seemed to slip away.

A lack of consistency is the main issue. I'm not putting all the blame on Steve. The lack of consistency was on both sides. When he wasn't consistent in his role, I got frustrated and let consistency in my role go. When he didn't step up over my inconsistency, I got more frustrated and it just kept spiraling.

My submission feeds off his dominance. If I don't feel his dominance, I can't hold onto my submissiveness. I've tried. I'm naturally submissive in some ways, but I'm also feisty and moody. Without the balance of his dominance to keep those in check, my submission starts slipping.

I've lost count of how many times I've talked to him and tried to explain it. I've painstakingly tore down each wall I've put up and poured my heart out to him. Each time he assures me that he understands, and we both promise to try harder. But nothing changes.

In the last month or so, I found myself starting to resent him for it. I started feeling like maybe he wasn't as committed to us as I was. It's not just about DD, although that's a big part of it. Many of the other things (the intimacy, the little gestures) that have disappeared over the past few months were things that DD brought back to us.

I started pulling away. I started putting up walls. I got quiet. He didn't seem to notice.

About a week ago, I packed up all the implements and stored them away somewhere he'd never think to look. Since the majority of the implements are normally stored in his dresser, I knew he'd see that they were gone. At the time, I told myself it wasn't a move to provoke a reaction. I told myself I was just letting go of DD so I could let go of the frustration I was feeling.

Thinking about it now, I realize that I was trying to provoke a reaction. I wanted him to notice. I wanted him to care enough to ask me about it. I wanted him to care enough to fight for it. I wanted needed to see that he was willing to fight for us.

I'm normally busy cooking his lunch and packing his dinner while he's getting ready for work so I don't know for sure if he's opened the drawer and saw that the implements are gone. If he's noticed, he hasn't said a word about it. To be honest, I'm not sure he will.

I can live without DD. What I can't live without is all the things it brought us. Having those things rekindled made me realize how important they are to me. I'm not sure I can go back to the way things were before.