Saturday, January 24, 2015

Getting Personal

The other day Blondie wrote a post in which she mentioned a friend pointing out that her posts had become non-personal. It made me realize that I've got away from the personal here lately. I tried to tell myself it was because I was so busy with everything and didn't have much time to write, but the truth is that I've deliberately steered away from the personal.

I did it because writing about it meant I'd actually have to put it all into words, which meant that I'd have to accept it. And I just wasn't ready to do that yet. But avoiding the issue isn't going to change it so here it is.

I think we've reached the end of our run with DD.

It's been going downhill for a while. At first, I could understand and accept it. We just didn't have the time or privacy we needed. But once we had the time and privacy, things didn't change. The more I tried to hold onto it, the more it seemed to slip away.

A lack of consistency is the main issue. I'm not putting all the blame on Steve. The lack of consistency was on both sides. When he wasn't consistent in his role, I got frustrated and let consistency in my role go. When he didn't step up over my inconsistency, I got more frustrated and it just kept spiraling.

My submission feeds off his dominance. If I don't feel his dominance, I can't hold onto my submissiveness. I've tried. I'm naturally submissive in some ways, but I'm also feisty and moody. Without the balance of his dominance to keep those in check, my submission starts slipping.

I've lost count of how many times I've talked to him and tried to explain it. I've painstakingly tore down each wall I've put up and poured my heart out to him. Each time he assures me that he understands, and we both promise to try harder. But nothing changes.

In the last month or so, I found myself starting to resent him for it. I started feeling like maybe he wasn't as committed to us as I was. It's not just about DD, although that's a big part of it. Many of the other things (the intimacy, the little gestures) that have disappeared over the past few months were things that DD brought back to us.

I started pulling away. I started putting up walls. I got quiet. He didn't seem to notice.

About a week ago, I packed up all the implements and stored them away somewhere he'd never think to look. Since the majority of the implements are normally stored in his dresser, I knew he'd see that they were gone. At the time, I told myself it wasn't a move to provoke a reaction. I told myself I was just letting go of DD so I could let go of the frustration I was feeling.

Thinking about it now, I realize that I was trying to provoke a reaction. I wanted him to notice. I wanted him to care enough to ask me about it. I wanted him to care enough to fight for it. I wanted needed to see that he was willing to fight for us.

I'm normally busy cooking his lunch and packing his dinner while he's getting ready for work so I don't know for sure if he's opened the drawer and saw that the implements are gone. If he's noticed, he hasn't said a word about it. To be honest, I'm not sure he will.

I can live without DD. What I can't live without is all the things it brought us. Having those things rekindled made me realize how important they are to me. I'm not sure I can go back to the way things were before.

18 comments:

  1. My husband has never agreed to taking DD as far as set rules and consequences. He feels we are both adults married a good while who love each other and I shouldn't do things to avoid punishment, but because I love and respect him. He says being the head of the household with most financial decisions, work issues, and raising kids are enough responsibility. Perhaps that is what your husband is feeling at this time. Try to continue the nice things you do like making his lunch and dinner and initiating sex (a great stress reliever) and hopefully, a better phase will begin for you both. I'm pretty sure he'll notice the implements are missing and after a week or two, i'd bring it up for discussion if he hasn't. good luck!

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    1. Thanks Anon. Part of the problem is that Steve did agree to taking DD to set rules and consequences. For the first year and half, that's what we had. Then he changed jobs and his schedule went crazy, which left us with no time or privacy. So it took a backseat for a while. Even though I missed it, I could understand it then. But once his schedule settled down, it should have rebounded, especially when he switched to working nights, which meant we had time and privacy during the day while our daughter was at school.

      If he had told me that he didn't want it any more, I could understand and respect that. He didn't. In fact, when I've asked, he's assured me he does want it. That's what makes it so hard.

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  2. It's as if I could have written this myself. My submission also feeds of his dominance and it's so hard to explain to myself much less him. Our path is also in roller coaster mode (one day high, one day low). It's rough but you're not alone. I totally understand and I put all the implements away once too. When he did ask about them, I was certainly made sure to never to touch them like that again. I hope it all works out for you in whatever way is best for the two of you.

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    1. Thanks Erika. We've had our ups and downs along the way. Most of the time, we were able to bounce back and we were stronger as a result. This time is different. I'm hoping we'll bounce back, but for the first time since we started this, I'm not sure we will.

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  3. I have been to that point exactly, with DH still saying, I want to do it, but in reality, it just wasn't happening. That was the point where I weight my life with him being just him against this frustration I was constantly in just because he wasn't stepping up. And so I let go. I tried to just not need it like that anymore, stopped reading stories about it, and just tried to enjoy my husband for who he already is.

    And wouldn't you believe it, he started missing it, missed dominating me. Finally.....hope it goes similarly for you Dana, I really do.

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    1. Thanks Julia. That's exactly what I was feeling. My concern was that this constant frustration was going to cause damage. In some ways, it already did because I've started losing respect for him. Now that I've made my peace with letting it go, the frustration isn't there any more, but I have to admit I'm sad about it. Hopefully he'll come around like yours did.

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  4. Hi Dana, I'm sorry to read this and know how you feel. We reached the end with DD and ttwd some time ago and I too really miss the extra connection, closeness and intimacy.

    One thing we have found though is that many of the positives such as better communication and consideration of each others needs etc have remained and we are good.

    Try and hang onto those positive aspects and continue doing all those 'little' things for Steve (that actually aren't that little). Many couples go through periods of stop/start with this lifestyle. Hopefully Steve will realise it is something he wants.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. Like I said in my post, I can live without DD, but I need those positives. Unfortunately, as DD has slipped away, they have as well. While I'd love if we could find our way back to DD, I'd be satisfied if we could just get those positives back.

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  5. Hey Dana...don't really have any advice to give...just gonna send lots of prayers and positive energy that you and Steve find a way to move forward (DD or not) together.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat. Prayers and positive energy is always welcome.

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  6. Dana, it is just so heart breaking to feel what you are saying. Last summer when I called off DD, it took us awhile to realize what we had and what he had lost. It was like starting over again. But this time, we both made sure that we wanted the same thing. It is still tough and I question sometimes how he feels or if I can really stay in the role when I just want to pack his bags. I really hope that whatever you do that you can bring back the good to your marriage with or without DD. I am around if you ever want to chat. MEN - they probably wouldn't notice if the toilet lid was down unless they fell in.

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    1. Thanks Blondie. I'm hoping we can rebuild what we had. When we first started, DD brought back the good stuff from when we first got together-the snuggling, the laughter, the little gestures that say you care. Then it added to those with better communication and more intimacy. I think that's what I miss the most.

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  7. Hey Dana,
    I know this was so hard for you to write - so hard to put it all into black and white. That just seems to solidify things in our heads, which is even harder when it's something that we don't want to be happening.
    Men are so different in how they think and process (Mere and I have been talking a lot about this lately) and it's hard to be patient when they are not tuned in with us as much as we need them to be. My hubby is so often distracted by stresses at work that he misses the obvious at home with me - and it hurts. But distancing from him only hurts me - so I'm learning not to do that - no matter how tempted. Please try to hang in there until Steve is ready to talk. I think he will notice the loss of intimacy that ttwd/dd brings - and will be willing to revisit it. It just might need to look different on the next go around - something he is more comfortable with, and then letting it grow from there.
    I think that dd can be overwhelming to a husband to absorb all at once. It's like my extroverted hubby bringing me a book about a social butterfly party hosting Martha Stewart type wife, and saying this is what turns him on. I'm an introvert - I can only go so far in that - so we meet in the middle somehow - with little baby steps.
    Maybe this is all that Steve needs. I don't know, but it's a thought. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers though - just try to hang in there.
    And know that you have a lot of supportive and understanding friends here that are able to listen and encourage.
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks Cali. I'm really struggling with not distancing. On one hand, I know it just hurts us both. On the other hand, I tell myself that distancing myself from the pain means it won't hurt as much.

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  8. I think that sometimes we try to communicate, but we (figuratively speaking) use the wrong words. So we have to pin them down and force them to listen to us.

    It isn't that they don't see things happening in front of their eyes, and it isn't that they don't listen to us, it's that they seem to work on a different frequency.

    As you probably know, I am not married to an 'instantaneous' sort of chap. Dan is more a thinker than a do-er. Yet when I least expect it, he does something that surprises the heck out of me.

    My gut feeling is that Steve will eventually realise something has changed, and then it will occur to him what it is. Until then, you have to try to be patient and keep doing nice things as if everything in the garden was rosy. I think that distancing and tantrums will only make you feel bad, and won't help the situation much.

    Sending lots of supportive thoughts,

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Thanks Ami. You're right about distancing and tantrums making me feel bad. As the frustration has built up, I've had those tantrums. While they haven't been vocal ones, I've showed that frustration by deliberately trying to irk him. At the moment, it feels good, but then reality sets in and I'm disappointed with myself.

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  9. Dana,
    I keep hoping for a new post telling us that things are back to normal. I recommend being direct. Talking to Steve is a must. In your heart, you know that. We are all here for you.
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. Things aren't back to normal, but we did talk some yesterday. Today I even read him this post.

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