Monday, February 16, 2015

DD 2.0

Quick note: I wanted to thank you for all the prayers and crossed fingers. It worked. The weather held off long enough for us to meet for dinner on Valentine's. It even stayed mild enough that Steve had no problems getting home when he got off work several hours later.


As you know, we've been a bit of limbo. We've been focusing on rebuilding our connection to each other, but not doing much about DD, although we have talked here and there about it. While I knew we would eventually get back there, it still bothered me, which is probably why I found myself unable to sleep at 2 am the other night despite the fact that Steve was asleep beside me.

I got up, figuring I'd work on schoolwork until I got tired enough to sleep. But I was having trouble focusing on my work so I gave up and started browsing the internet. It wasn't long until one link led me to another and then another and another until finally I landed on a DD blog.

It's strange how life comes full circle. The first time I came across the concept of DD, I was following links from one site to another and suddenly found myself on a blog about DD. Fast forward nearly three years later when we're struggling with DD and the exact same thing has happened again.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see, but there's a reason in there somewhere. So I took it as a sign and settled in to read. Two hours later, I had one of those aha moments, which in hindsight wasn't really anything new, but something I had figured out a while back and promptly forgot about.

When it comes to DD, we're too dependent on spanking as a method of discipline. It doesn't matter if it's a big issue or a little one, if I'm in trouble for something, I get spanked. The only difference is in the severity of the spanking.

As I thought about this, I realized that in our many discussions about consistency since we started, Steve has often said the same things. Either he doesn't feel comfortable spanking over what he saw as a small issue or that we don't have the time/privacy to spank. I've heard him every time he's said it, but I don't think it really sunk in until now.

By opting to only use spanking, we basically painted ourselves into a corner. If it was a little issue not really bad enough to require a spanking or there were issues finding time or privacy to carry out a spanking, we didn't have any other options. So nothing would happen and I would get frustrated over what I saw as his lack of consistency.

That leads me to my next aha moment. All this time, I've been seeing his lack of action as a lack of consistency. At some point along the way, my brain decided to make a leap from lack of consistency to lack of commitment. That's where the real problems started.

My feelings would be hurt because my head was telling me Steve wasn't committed to us so I'd start pulling away. Then anger would set in and I'd start trying to irritate him. In my heart, I knew this wasn't the right way to handle things, but I was too hurt and angry to pay attention to that. When he still failed to take action, my brain took that as evidence of his lack of commitment and my downward spiral picked up speed.

If I had looked beyond consistency, I would have saw that I was wrong to doubt his commitment to me and to us. The signs of commitment were staring me right in the face.  I was just too focused on consistency to see them.


Now that all this had crystallized in my head, I knew I needed to tell Steve. My plan was to talk to him when we got up. Unfortunately, because I was up half the night with all of this, i didn't get up until shortly before he had to leave for work. In the rush to get his stuff ready, there just wasn't time to sit down for a talk.

After he left for work, I debated about texting him or sending him an email, but this just seemed like too much ground to cover without being in the same room while we did it. So I stayed up until he came in. He did the usual chitchat and then I dove in.

We talked for a long time. He spanked. We talked some more. We watched a little TV and then started talking again. I pulled up one of the posts I had come across the night before and we talked about it. He called a break to make love. Then we talked some more afterwards. All told, we talked off and on for nearly four hours.

I ended up getting only three hours of sleep before I had to get up with our daughter this morning so I'm exhausted. But for the first time in quite a while, I woke up at peace.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot that as we grow and change, DD needs to change with us. We're not the same people that started this journey nearly three years ago. We've outgrown our original version of DD we started with and it's time to upgrade to a newer version. So now we're going to give DD 2.0 a go and hopefully the next time we're due for an upgrade, we can recognize it.


16 comments:

  1. Dana,
    You have been on this road a lot longer than we have. Ttwd/dd is a living thing, always changing. You and Steve saw that and you shared what you found. Thank you.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Meredith. In some ways, it feels like we've been on this journey forever. At other times, it seems like we just started.

      Delete
  2. Hi Dana, good luck sweetie, I hope things go well for you both from now on.
    love Jan,xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. In reading many blogs, spanking does seem to be the main punishment. Occasionally someone refers to corner time, grounding, essay writing, or just bedroom time. Spankings do set off lots of hormones for the woman and the man; why else would so many mention cuddling or good sex happening soon after? Lots of times just a lecture on spending or being involved in too many things outside the home lets me know I need to be more submissive. Sometimes my husband and I find ourselves getting angry and loud, or just not coming to an agreement. One of us will say that they are feeling frustrated and rather than argue, let's table this for now. I used to get upset if he went out for a walk, or took a beer and retreated somewhere in the house, but I need space too. As long as we talk before bed, or within a few days, we usually are much calmer and can respect the other's viewpoint better. By then I've tossed it around in my head and can often see a different perspective, or apologize for blowing up and we talk. Also, he sometimes wants to solve a problem with quick sex, which I thought was crazy. As we go through many more years, lots of these things don't seem so crazy anymore. Family stress or work tensions can be relieved a great deal by having sex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kate. There are definitely some benefits to spanking, which is probably why we've relied so heavily on it up until now. Our problem is that we didn't have anywhere else to go if we couldn't spank. There have been a few times when he's lectured instead of spanking and it's been effective, but it's been few and far between.

      Delete
  4. Loved reading the honesty in this post. I like the idea that this lifestyle is always undergoing changes.. and yes upgrades are needed. I am glad you found some clarity and peace of mind. Seems like a number of us are going through similar struggles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Annabelle. It does seem like when one of us is struggling, others are as well.

      Delete
  5. Sitting here with a big smile on my face Dana...so very happy for you and Steve. Sending lots of positive energy for DD 2.0. ;)

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Dana, so glad you and Steve talked and figured out a few things. There is so much more to DD than spanking, and many alternatives to spanking also. DD does seem to evolve as we grow and change.

    Happy for you and wish you and Steve the best with version 2.0:)

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dana,

    Its kind of like reading my own feelings a while back, and starting to figure things out into the next level. Looking forward to you guys finding your groove...

    ReplyDelete

We love to hear what you think, but please be polite.