Wednesday, February 4, 2015

In Limbo

It had been about two weeks since I disappeared the implements. He hadn't said a word. I had tried to be patient, figuring he just hadn't opened that particular drawer yet.

Finally I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore so I conspired to make sure he opened that drawer. I didn't brat my way into a spanking. I just accidentally on purpose put something he uses daily in the wrong drawer so he'd have to go looking for it. Then I waited a day or two before casually asking if he had found it.

Now this was the perfect opportunity for him to comment on what he hadn't found when he opened that drawer. But he didn't. He just said that he'd found it (the thing I purposely put in the wrong drawer) in "the drawer where that other stuff used to be." That was it. He didn't ask where the implements had went and he didn't ask if I needed to talk. He just went on with his day like the last two and half years just hadn't existed.

And I simmered.


I was still simmering a few days later when he made a comment about something. I don't even remember what it was. I just know that it wasn't me that answered. It was Snappy.

I have to admit I was surprised when his response was a threat of a spanking

Before I could even digest my surprise, Snappy retorted that it would be a little difficult considering he didn't have anything to do it with. Then she paused and threw in a question about whether he'd noticed. Another beat and she threw the bomb. Did he even care?

That's when it happened.


 I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to bottle until it all comes flying out. That was tame compared to what happened. This time was more like a volcano erupting. It all came out. Not just my hurt and anger over the past couple weeks, but everything that had been building up for months. It probably didn't help that I was hormonal and dealing with a major toothache.


Once it started coming out, there was no stopping it. I cried. I yelled. I think I even cussed him out at one point. After it was all over, we sat down and talked. The next day I read him my last post and we talked some more.

But we're still not back to normal. It's like we're stuck in limbo at the moment. We both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before DD. But until we can figure out how to adapt to where we're at now, we can't move forward.

I know for me, with or without DD, I need the reassurance of knowing he cares. That means figuring out a way to maintain consistency if we continue DD or making time for us and maintaining those little gestures if we decide to let it go.

10 comments:

  1. Our own expectations are usually the source of our major disappointments. I know you've tried just letting things be, but yet you were still expecting him to react to your deed, thus your disappointment. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks Leigh. I have trouble with expectations. While I try to just let go and see where the road takes us, those expectations have a way of sneaking back, which leaves me disappointed when they fail to materialize.

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  2. I'm glad that you are talking now, Dana! :) You know, it is better to bring this stuff to them, vs. something like what you did with directing him to the drawer. We can be thinking one way, and they are often thinking something entirely different. So even when it is hard, it is better to just try to bring stuff up. That way you won't find yourself being disappointed, because you didn't get the reaction that you thought that you would. You know? Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thanks Katie. In hindsight, going to him probably would have been a better move. But I've talked to him several times about this without it having much of a result so I felt like I had to take a different approach.

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  3. Dana, I'm so sorry to hear about this rough time you guys have hit. I hope the blowout gets you two talking. Do you think your husband sees the benefits of dd in your relationship? When we started this, I had my expectations and Luke had his. I talked about mine much more than Luke did. As time went on, I had to let go of a lot of what I thought this would be and to trust that Luke would accept his role as HoH. One of the things that helped us was writing to each other about what we wanted out of this lifestyle. We each sat down and wrote a letter to the other person. Once I realized how committed he actually was it made it a lot easier for me to stop trying to tell him how I saw this taking place. I don't even know if that's any of what happens in your case but thought I'd let you know what helped us get over a major hurdle.

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    1. Thanks Clara. The blowout did seem to get us talking, which is good, although I regret that it went so far that there was a blowout.

      He does see the benefits. We've actually talked about it a few times since we started. Part of the problem is that he feels guilty about punishing for things that happened when he was inconsistent because he feels like his inconsistency caused it. If that makes sense?

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  4. Well at least you got it all out! He knows what you have going on, and it is there. Just try to be honest with each other.

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    1. Thanks Julia. I definitely got it all out. Not quite the way I would have wanted to, but it did work. We're talking now, which is progress.

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  5. Limbo is never a fun place to be, but I think we all find ourselves there from time to time in life (whether in reference to DD or something else entirely). I'm glad the doors of communication have been opened and I hope that given some time and discussion and perhaps some grace offered to one another that the two of you will be in a much better place soon! (((hugs)))

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