Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I Think That Ship has Sailed

I think that ship has sailed.

I said those words to Steve a while back. In my heart, I hoped he would disagree. I hoped that he'd say that DD wasn't without its challenges now, but we'd figure it out. I hoped he'd say that it was important enough that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

But he didn't. He just agreed.

When we talked about putting DD on the back burner a while back, I was on board for it. I figured between moving and figuring out how to work around three more people in the house, it was going to take us a little time to shape it to fit our lives. I didn't imagine that putting it on the back burner was a prelude to it going away altogether.

I've really struggled with my emotions since that conversation. If it had stopped there, I probably could have moved on. But since the random swats, the occasional threats of a spanking and him getting after me over stuff continued, it made it hard. I mean was it still there or not?

Finally I hit my limit. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl and being in limbo drives me up the wall, not to mention messes with my emotions. I told Steve he had to make a decision because I couldn't take the uncertainty. If it was continuing, then we needed to come up with a plan to make it work despite the challenges. It we were stopping, then it was done. No threats. No bossing. No random swats. The only things I wanted to retain from DD was the closeness and improved communication.

He said then it's off the table until my sister and her kids move out. While he's drove me up the wall at times, that was the closest in nearly eleven years together that I came to strangling him. He completely missed the point. It's one thing to put it on the back burner temporarily while one of us is sick or even when we were in the middle of moving and just didn't have the time or energy. It's a whole another thing to put it on the back burner indefinitely.

While my sister finally has a job, she doesn't make near enough money to support herself and the kids. It's unlikely she'll be able to until she's finished with her degree. She'll be graduating with her associate's next summer (me too yay!) so it's going to be months before they're gone. I don't see us going that long and then just picking it back up like we didn't take all that time off.

I think a big part of my frustration is that I can see us continuing DD despite having a houseful of people if only he would change how we do it. I wrote over a year ago about how an over-reliance on spanking had painted us into a corner and left us with no options when spanking wasn't an option. After we had that talk, he tried some other options (with success I might add) such as corner-time, grounding, being sent to the bedroom, and extra chores. And of course there's always the option of using silent implements or waiting to carry out a spanking since we do occasionally get the house to ourselves.

Things kinda went downhill from there. The first week after our discussion, it seemed like he was doing what I asked and leaving the random swats, etc. in the past. By the second week, he was back to doing it. The more he did it, the madder I got. When he tried to pull the HoH card to get his way in something, it lit my fuse. It's one thing for him to pull the HoH card when he's fully embracing the role and caring about my needs. It's a whole different thing to pull it just to get his way without caring about the rest.

When you add in some of the frustration and stress that my sister being here has brought (that's a whole another post in itself), it wasn't long before we started fighting. Now Steve and I have never really been fighters. We get a little snippy with each other once in a while, but full blown screaming matches are extremely rare. To have it happen more than once within a couple days was a sign that something was seriously wrong.

So we sat down and talked again. I'd like to say that fixed everything, but it didn't really. We agreed that my sister is a big part of the problem (both the lack of privacy and the frustration we're both feeling over some other stuff due to her) and he is trying harder not to push my buttons by bringing up DD-related stuff that we both know can't happen right now.

While things are better between us, it's still not smooth sailing. For now, I'm trying to remember that no journey is without its difficulties and working together to get through them will only make us stronger in the end.



  1. Hi Dana,

    So my hubby and I are very new at this....just a couple months. But we have five kids, two dogs, jobs, etc... It is hard. I wont make any excuses for that. We are having to become very creative. But even in the midst of all the chaos when it's there our communication and the affirmation of our roles feels like never before. Its not near perfect....we too are struggling but I feel like the emotional payoff far exceeds the fact that it's so inconvenient. In my opinions ultimatums never work on men. If he's still swatting then it sounds like it's still bubbling up deep down somewhere in him too :)

    1. Thanks for stopping by Renee and welcome to our little community. We started DD a little over 3 years ago so we've hit bumps before. But we've always made it through them within a reasonable amount of time and we've always talked about way through them so I wasn't left in limbo. This time is different, which is probably why it bothers me so much.

  2. It's tough when you have others living under your roof. It sounds like the issue is not going to be resolved any time soon. I wish you lots of luck in getting through the next few months w/o you and Steve fighting.

    1. Thanks Leigh. I knew it was going to be challenging, but I didn't foresee this.

  3. Hey Dana...sorry you and Steve are having such a rough time. Marriage is tough enough with just your own children in the home but when you add others, along with their issues, it is super tough. Don't really have any advice but sending prayers and positive energy your way.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    1. Thanks Cat. Prayers and positive energy are always welcome.

  4. Hi Dana, I agree with Cat, life is hard enough without others encroaching on what should be your personal time and space. Wishing you luck to get through the next year and hoping that you can keep talking at least
    love Jan,xx

  5. Hi Dana, Hope the next year goes quickly for you so you can have your spacer again. Stay positive and keep the communication going with each other.
    Hugs Lindy

  6. Hey Dana

    I can't imagine what it must be like for you with another adult in the house. We have 3 teens, one of which is no longer in school so life is much more challenging at times around here. Barney too will say many things, and then when opportunities arise, 'forget'. I will add that for us it IS cyclical. When he is on, he is really on, and God help a certain part of my anatomy, but once we skid off the road it takes forever ( especially because 2015 has brought far too many challenges externally to our house) for him to get back on track. The only thing that helps is me trying to stay right where *I* want to be. This of course is not an easy task, and would be far more difficult for you with the whiplash effect you seem to be receiving from Steve.

    Anyway, here is my suggestion, if he is able to say things that are never going to happen, join him. At the end of the day, climb in bed and politely say, " you know if I were HOH ( or whatever term you use) and YOU did xyz like I did today, I would have whispered for you to go into our room for 30 minutes..." or whatever you feel would work for you. Try not to be snippy. Point out over a few weeks, the real life options that he had at his disposal.

    Threats are useless and quite frankly very damaging to a relationship. The issue with them is he is holding a carrot out in front of you, and refusing to let you have it. SHOW him there are other ways, but all the while try and be true to your submissive core as best you can.

    Good Luck Dana, I know this road and it isn't a fun one to be one. It is extremely lonely.


    1. Thanks Willie. It does seem like when we get off track, it takes a while to build back up the momentum. That's part of what worries me about this situation. When Steve changed jobs last year and was working insane hours for a few months, it took us nearly the same amount of time to get back on track. How hard is it going to be to find our way back after a year off? And is he even going to want to?

      Bogus threats drive me up the wall. If I know he's going to follow through on the threat of a spanking, him warning me that I'm going to get spanked is a real deterrent. It will almost always stop me in my tracks. However, when there's a lot of threats being given with no follow through, I can feel pretty safe playing the odds that it's not going to happen and continue on my merry way.

      I'll give your suggestion a try though.

  7. I feel for you. I really do. I recently *finally* came to my own revelation about something in my life that people have been trying to alert me to for quite some while. It seemed that I had reached my 'light bulb moment' just late enough for it to be *too* late. I told a friend about this using the phrase "It's a pity that bus had just left".

    The response I got was very positive and supportive all around, but they didn't say the one thing I really wanted to hear and tell me it's *not* too late.

    My feeling though is that, once one door seems to have closed on you, there are two possible alternatives. One is that you give up your quest as a hopeless one and try to find something completely different and more positive on which to focus, or you look for another door to get back to where you originally were and try to approach things in a different way.


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