Thursday, September 29, 2016

Prayers Requested

When I wrote my last post here, I thought the next thing I wrote would be an announcement of our baby's arrival. I never imagined that I would be writing this post.

Yesterday evening I was released from the hospital after spending five days in the maternal-fetal specialty unit. I came home with empty arms and a heart filled with grief. I had been rocking my homebirth, but after fourteen hours of labor, I developed serious complications and had to be rushed by ambulance to the nearest trauma center. There I was quickly evaluated and taken straight into surgery where the surgeons worked for over an hour trying to save me and our sweet baby. It was touch and go, but I made it out of surgery. Our beautiful little girl did not.

We've gone over and over things with the midwife team and the team of specialists at the hospital trying to figure out how things went so wrong. The doctors said there was no way of knowing that it might happen, especially since I didn't have any of the classic warning signs, and that it was just bad luck that it happened. The first sign that anything might be wrong was when I passed out. They even relieved my guilt that my decision to birth at home rather than a hospital might have played a role in all this by telling me that things happened so fast that the outcome would have been the same regardless of where I was.

They credited my midwife's quick actions for saving my life. She called an ambulance as soon as I passed out and argued with the ambulance staff about where to transfer me. They had wanted to take me to the local hospital, but she insisted on the trauma hospital that's a little further away. It turned out to be a critical decision. One doctor told me that I likely would not be here if I had transferred to the local hospital since I needed a massive transfusion of blood and the local hospital doesn't keep that much blood on hand.

Our family is reeling right now. To lose our child and nearly my life as well was something we never anticipated happening to us. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and find that this is just some terrible dream, but unfortunately, it's all too real.

Our oldest is terrified to let me out of her sight. She refused to leave the hospital and camped out in the chair beside my hospital bed. Now that I'm home, she finally relented and went to school today, but only after repeated reassurances that I was going to be okay and that Steve would watch over me.

Steve would spend hours every day at the hospital with us before returning home to feed our animals and put away all the baby stuff we had gathered so I wouldn't be faced with it once I was able to come home. Now that I'm home, he's been hovering over me like a mother hen refusing to allow me to lift a finger. Since I have to walk several times a day to prevent blood clots, he supports me as a I hobble around. It's hard for me to feel so helpless, especially since I can see how exhausted he is trying to take care of me.

Even my mom, who I'm normally not on the best of terms with, has been great. She drove over and spent an entire day with me at the hospital. Thanks to the pain medication making me groggy, she spent a lot of time just watching me sleep, but it was nice knowing she was there. Now that I'm home, she said she'll come over and stay if Steve needs help taking care of me until I'm back on my feet.

My midwife and her assistant have been wonderful. They call or visit daily. Since Steve doesn't want to leave me by myself right now, they're even coming over today just to sit with me while he runs errands and picks up our daughter from school. While I was still in the hospital, they came to the house and cleaned so Steve didn't have to deal with the mess from the labor. Then they helped him pack away the baby stuff.

The hospital was nothing short of amazing. No matter how busy they were, everyone from the doctors right down to the lady that delivered my meals took the time to sit with me and talk, pray or just listen. Instead of taking the baby right away, they fixed it where she could stay with me until I was ready to let her go. Steve and our oldest bathed her and dressed her in a beautiful dress hand-made by a hospital volunteer. A photographer came in and took pictures of the baby with each of us. A grief specialist came in and worked with us to make some keepsakes.

Since finances are a concern right now with Steve out of work, they arranged a variety of financial assistance for us. They found a program to pay my entire hospital bill since we lost our health insurance when Steve was fired and we couldn't afford the COBRA payments to keep it up. They arranged assistance to cover the funeral costs. I had a counselor during my hospital stay and they've arranged for outpatient counseling for all of us at no cost now that I'm home. They even made sure I had my prescriptions filled before I was released so we didn't have to worry about coming up with money for them.

It's hard, but right now we're just trying to take it day by day. Everyone keeps asking what we need, but having never been in this situation before, we have no way of knowing what, if anything, might help. So for now we're just asking for prayers.

43 comments:

  1. I am so, so sorry, to read that. I too expected your next post to be different. That must be devastating and I can't even imagine how you and your family are feeling right now. I don't even know what to say except Thank God that you are alive. It seems that you got the best care possible and that's at least a little comforting.
    Sending hugs and prayers over the pond.

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  2. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
    (((((hugs))))) & prayers

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  3. May the blessings of all the beings be upon you, your family and the baby. I offer prayers that you are safe and will soon be well again. May the Medicine Buddha heal you all

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  4. Dana I don't know what to say. My heart aches for all of you. You are in my thoughts

    willie

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  5. Oh sweet Dana...I am so sorry for your loss...my heart hurts for you, Steve and your sweet oldest. Sending prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts for all of you.

    Gentle hugs and blessings...Cat

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  6. Dana... I am so very sorry for you and Steve's unexpected loss of your precious daughter. I have been in your shoes and there are no words that will ease your sorrow. Be kind to yourself, allow others to help you. Turn to Steve and grieve together and know you will make it through this time. For now, I will keep your family in prayer, I am thankful your life was saved, and I am here when you are ready to share your thoughts. God is holding your precious daughter close and safe and while we do not understand these situations, he is in control. Hugs to you.

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  7. Dana,
    So very sorry for your and Steve's loss. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
    Meredith

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  8. Oh Dana, I am so so sorry for your loss, am thinking of you and your family, what sad news
    love Jan, xxx

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  9. Oh Dana, I am so so very sorry for you, Steve and family. Thinking of you all and sending love and hugs.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  10. I am so very sorry for you and your family. Many prayers headed your way.
    hugs abby

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  11. There is just no greater loss. I will say prayers for your family in hopes of a small moment of comfort that will hopefully grow bigger each day.
    XOXO Pearl

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  12. Oh Dana, I am so very sorry for your loss, I just can't imagine. You, Steve and your daughter are in my thoughts. I'm glad you have had such support from your midwife and the hospital.

    Sending you all huge (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  13. So very sorry for your loss. The words seem so shallow and don't reflect how badly I feel for you. It's hard to understand what God has in mind when things like this happen. You and your family are in my prayers.

    I would suggest that Steve look into his firing. I'd contact the Dept. of Labor -anyone who has 100 hours of vacation wasn't a 'screwup' - it sounds fishy.

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    1. Thank you. Steve did talk to the Department of Labor when he went in to file for unemployment. He's also filing a complaint with corporate headquarters.

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  14. Dana, I am so very sorry. I feel so terrible for you Steve and your daughter. I have no words but please know all of you are in our prayers. I am so glad to see they are providing some assistance for you, I hope each of you accept and use any support from any source available. I am so deeply sorry for all of you.
    (((honey)))

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  15. Prayers and love. Thanks for sharing, I hope that sharing helped with some hearing.

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    1. How are you doing? Just checking in.

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    2. Physically I'm healing well. I'm moving around a lot easier now, although I'm still sore and tire fast. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I'll be okay and then I'll hear or see something that gets to me and burst into tears. Even though he's grieving too, Steve has been wonderful. He listens to me talk or just holds me while I cry.

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    3. Hugs. My whole church is praying for you and your family.

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  16. Prayers and love. Thanks for sharing, I hope that sharing helped with some hearing.

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  17. Be assured of our prayers and thoughts for you and all your family. Take time and take care of each other xx

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  18. Oh Dana I'm so very sorry for you and your family. Sending positive energy and prayers your way. (((HUG))))
    Lindy xx

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  19. Hello, I don't know you and have never read your blog. Just ran across it this evening. After reading it, I had to respond. May God be with you and give you peace. My heart breaks for you -- a spiritual sister. You will smile again. Take good care and trust. Cordially....

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  20. Dana:
    So sorry for your loss and living situation; but, I am old and I would like to share something. I too have had many misfortunes and losses, but one thing I have learned is like the old Frank Sinatra song, life does come in cycles. I spent decades feeling like I was drowning in one hopeless situation after another from which there was no escape. But, I never gave up, I persisted year after year and finally, late in life, there appeared light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. So, I pass my knowledge on to you; keep digging, stay persistent and determined. It is always darkest before the dawn, and for you and your family, the sun will shine again.
    Good Luck

    Rick

























    Keep digging

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  21. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your darling daughter. It sounds like you have caring people surrounding you and helping you deal with things as they come. I wish you comfort and healing and pray that you will have peace as you grieve.

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  22. Oh Dana I am so sorry. I am a new fan and have spent the last 3 days reading all of your posts. I almost feel like I know you just from your stories. I am so sad to hear that you lost your little girl. I will be praying for you. I don't even know the right words to say now. I feel selfish sayin that I do hope you keep writing. I'm sure that you have touched the lives of many people by your writing alone. They must all be so worried about you. I don't even have a clue where you live or what you need, but if there is anything I could possibly do to help you or your family... please ask. You are a good woman with a beautiful soul, and a huge heart. You're an inspiration to all of us who are mothers and wives (or lifelong partners). I pray you and Steve find peace and comfort.
    Most Sincerely,
    Vicki

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