Monday, October 31, 2016

Lies We Tell

He asks how I'm doing. I tell him fine. He says okay, which would imply that he believes me.

We're both lying.

He knows I'm lying. I know he's lying.

And yet we keep right on doing it. Because it's easier that way.

It's easier than admitting to him that I'm a total wreck right now. That I'm shattered into so many pieces I really don't know if it's possible I'll ever be whole again.

It's easier than him admitting that he's struggling to hold it together too. That he can't fix this for me no matter how bad he wishes he could.

So we keep lying to each other.

Last night, he said I was getting distant. I didn't know how to respond. Do I tell him yes, I'm distant because the only way I can keep up the lie that I'm fine is to close myself off? Or do I tell him he's imagining it so we can continue avoiding the fact we're lying to each other? I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He let it drop.

I'm not in the habit of lying to him. We even have a rule against doing it. There's a rule against distancing too for that matter. Some days I wish he would call me on it so we can quit lying to each other and get it all out in the open. Other days I'm glad he doesn't because I'm scared that if I ever let go, I won't be able to pull myself together again.

For now, I guess we'll keep going with these lies we tell.

9 comments:

  1. ((Hugs)) Dana, I feel so much for you. Hard as it is it would be better to tell him you are distancing and why and get both of your feelings on the table if you can.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  2. Hi Dana, I am so sorry ,but I too think you have to admit to not being fine, BOTH of you, no one expects you to be fine either. It is such a sad time, just be kind to each other, you have to get your consolation from each other at the moment. I hope your oldest daughter is coping too
    love Jan, xx

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  3. Perhaps look at it this way, okay/fine is subjective. Your current state of okay is far different from the one you had 3 months ago, and will be far different than the one you will have 3 months from now. Some days okay means I got up, showered and brushed my teeth. Grief has no end date, period. It changes, but it never ends...don't expect to be anything that what you are feeling in the moment because that is authentic, and that is how you need to live your life.

    To me, the fact that you are thinking about rules etc, means maybe you need to give yourself permission to 'fall apart'. It may also mean that you need Steve in a different capacity right now. To have him hold you in a way that allows you to remember a different part of you and you as a couple, outside of your grief. Talk to him Dana. Perhaps he would like the opportunity to have a form of release too.

    But whatever you do, please, PLEASE don't put a timeline on things. Stifling is not going to help in the long run. What we often view as 'messy' is a part of life. Those emotions are there and will come out one way or another~ choose to let them out when they appear. Trust me, it is far better in the long run for both of you, though it is terrifying.

    willie

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  4. Hi Dana, My heart continues to ache for you all. Loss and grief are... abominable! There is no easy way through, but you have to allow yourself to move through it. All of it. Willie is right, there is no timetable.

    Steve notices your distancing. You know you are doing it, fearing that if you tell him, you will fall apart. My thought is, that just maybe you have to get to that point, in order to start to heal. What better way to do that than on Steve's lap, with his arms around you. You don't have to go it alone. You have Steve. He has you. Working to come together is one of the most important things that the two of you can do. None of it is easy. But there is strength in numbers, and all of that special love that you have worked to nurture is still right there. Your grief may take on different forms, but your love has not changed. I hope that you can find your way to each other soon. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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  5. I ache for your loss. Allow yourself the time to grieve, allow him to grieve also. Nothing is going to be the same ever again, but it will be better - given time. For now, love each other.

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  6. Hey Dana...I think everyone above has covered what I would tell you. Just basically be gentle with yourself and Steve...grief is different for everyone and changes as we experience it. There is no time limit. I will say if you feel as if Steve calling you on distancing would be helpful, then call him on it. Tell him you feel as if you are lying to and distancing from each other and need him to step up. Whatever you decide will be right for you. Sending prayers and healing energy for both of you.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  7. You need each other now more than ever, tho it is a true thing that we all grieve differently and at different paces. In my honest opinion and experience with the same life altering event, it is not wise to distance yourselves from each other or lie to each other, that will most likely only hinder the healing you both need to do when the time is right. I am praying for you both, in the end, only you and hubby can lean on each other and find the right way and time to communicate to each other how ya'll feel.

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  8. Dana.... you need to talk with him and let your feelings be known, the good, the bad and the ugly as I like to call it. Both of you keeping up this kind of communication or lack thereof only delays the inevitable. You both have feelings that need to be shared so that you are able to work through your loss and your grief and begin the process of healing. I will be ok eventually, but you both need to take the first painful steps of opening up to one another. I will continue to say prayers for you both as you go through this painful time.

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  9. Hi Dana, Its such a hard time for all of you. Maybe you should both be honest and seek help to at least teach you coping strategies. Nothing will ever take your pain away but hopefully you might learn to live your daily life more comfortably.
    Hugs Lindy

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