Sunday, November 6, 2016

Update

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown early in the week. It turned out to be a good thing for us because Steve had to deal with it. Up until recently, my mom has been here providing emotional support so this was really the first time he's had to since we lost our baby.

He didn't say a lot, which is probably a good thing since he's inadvertently upset me a couple times with poorly chosen words. Instead, he just held me while I cried and told me he misses her too. Those simple words did more for me than anything anyone else has done. Even though I knew that his way of coping was to push things back and focus on the future, it really bothered me that he wouldn't talk about our baby. For him to not only acknowledge that she existed, but also that he missed her too, meant the world to me and I told him so.

A few days later, someone on Facebook posted a link to a blog post about grieving. I read it and liked the writer's style so I read some more of their posts. I came across this really great post that really resonated with me. You can read it here if you want, but in a nutshell, it says that instead of offering platitudes or telling people how they should deal with their grief, you should just acknowledge their grief and be there for them.

I put the link up on my Facebook and Steve saw it. I guess he figured that if I thought it important enough to share, then it was something important enough he should read. So he did. Later that day, he brought it up and we had a really good, honest talk about where we were emotionally and what we need from each other right now.

He's also stepped back into his HoH role, at least to a certain extent. I'm not doing that great at taking care of myself these days so he's taken charge. He brings me my medicine every morning to make sure I take it. He reminds me to eat. He sends me to rest if I tire during the day. He even insists that I leave the house occasionally, even if it's only to ride with him to pick up our daughter.

We finally got to bring our baby home this week. It was hard, but I'm happy to finally have her home, especially after waiting over a month due to the hospital dropping the ball on the final arrangements. I remember telling Steve when we left the hospital that it didn't feel right to be leaving without her. Now she's at home with us where she belongs. It's too late in the year to do it now, but in the spring, we're planting a memorial garden on our property and burying her ashes there. That way we have a place we can visit.

Now for some good news. Steve's unemployment claim was finally approved. It was initially denied, but I guess someone at the unemployment office thought there was something fishy about his firing because they sent his claim for review before we could even appeal the decision. The adjudicator found in Steve's favor and our bank account is now flush because they went back and paid from the date of the initial claim.

And for more good news. I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a friend of Steve's had given him a lead on a good job. He applied for it and got called in for an interview a few days later. A few days after that, they called asking him to come in for a background check and drug screening. This past week, he got the call saying he got the job. He starts tomorrow.

He's a little worried about going back to work, mainly because of me. He doesn't like the idea of me being alone. I really haven't been alone much since losing our baby because my mom has been here or he's been doing side jobs close enough to our house that he could swing by and check on me. Now that he'll be working, he won't be able to do it so he brought up asking my mom to come back. I asked him not to do it. As much as she's helped me by being here for me to lean on through this rough patch, I need to at least try to stand on my own two feet. It took some convincing on my part, but he reluctantly agreed to let me try it on a trial basis with the understanding that if he even suspects I'm having trouble, he's making the call whether I like it or not.

13 comments:

  1. Hi Dana, I know it doesn't feel like it but this week is maybe the start of healing, a little. I am so glad you got to bring your baby home, the garden sounds like such a good idea. Great news about the job, I hope you can manage without Steve, will be thinking about you
    love Jan, xx

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  2. Dana - I'm so happy things are turning positive for you both. Losing a loved one is never easy and a babe is even worse. Glad you're both able to talk about the loss and start the journey forward.
    Great news about Steve and I applaud your decision to stand on your own. You can do it - nothing easy is ever worth having - Hugs to you as you step into the future, grieving but strong and filled with the knowledge that your little angel is watching and smiling at your decision.

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  3. I'm glad to hear that Steve and you connected and that he did exactly what you needed.
    I'm happy that everything turned out well job wise for him - that must be a huge relief to you both and something you truly didn't need to worry about right now on top of everything else.
    While I understand and applaud your decision to try it on your own, I hope you're not too proud to admit that you need help, in case it turns out that it's too early. You don't have to prove anything.
    Anyway I really hope that it works out for you and that you continue to be there for one another. How is your daughter coping with everything?
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. Dana, I'm glad you were both able to talk about your loss and so very happy that you were able to bring your baby home. The garden memorial sounds wonderful.

    Great news on Steve getting the job. Will be thinking of you both.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  5. So happy you and Steve were able to talk about your loss and that having your baby home with you brings you comfort. I'm sure your memory garden will be lovely and a great source of peace.

    Congrats to Steve on getting the new job and getting the back unemployment pay...I know that has to be taking a load off his mind.

    Please do take care of yourself and as Anon said, please don't be too proud to admit if you need your mom to come support you a bit longer...there is no time frame. Sending prayers and healing energy for all of you.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  6. Dana, this does sound as though it was what you both needed. I'm so glad you and Steve were able to talk about where you are each at and what you need. I really hope that this is the start of a turning point for you both.

    So happy you were able to bring your baby home. The garden sounds like a wonderful idea.

    So glad too to hear about the job and unemployment claim. That must take a lot of stress off. Congratulations to Steve on the job. I understand you wanting to stand on your own two feet when Steve goes back to work, but please do make sure you ask for help should you feel you need it.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  7. Dana may I make a suggestion? Rather than a special garden, buy a half wine barrel. My eldest daughter went through something similar to you losing twins. She has a half wine barrel with her babies buried in there. Then when she moves house the barrel goes where ever she goes. Just something to consider.

    Good to hear Steve has managed to get a new job. Good luck to him. Hope you cope well whilst he is at work.
    Hugs Lindy

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  8. Hi Dana, :) I was so glad to read that you and Steve were able to connect, share and tell each other about your needs. That is so great! I think that it is so neat that you posted the grief piece on FB, and that Steve read that, which opened up dialogue between you both. Steve stepping into his HoH role, and taking care of you is lovely too.

    So glad that you got to bring your baby home. I think that your memorial garden idea sounds like a beautiful idea.

    Hope that all goes well with Steve's new job. Take good care! You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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  9. Thank you for updating us. I am so happy that that job came through.
    Remember one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time,,,,and if necessary on minute at a time....you are in our hearts.
    hugs abby

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  10. Congrats to Steve on the job! I do hope that you'll reach out if you need to. I'm really glad that you and Steve were able to talk a bit and that it helped. (((hugs))) & continued prayers

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  11. Dana.. Sounds as though you and Steve ae on the right path to open communication and just accepting your feelings over the loss of your daughter. Keep up the good work there as these issues will resurface many more times yet. I am happy to learn that Steve is getting his compensation which has to be a huge relief off of both of you at this time. Sometimes when one door closes another opens and now he can start fresh with another job opportunity which will further help to normalize things for you and your family. Take one day at a time, do what you can on your own, but do not hesitate to reach out to others in moments when you are not at your best. This grieving process will take it's up's and downs but eventually will level out. Hang in there Dana.. you are strong, you have this, and you have Steve to help you keep on moving forward. Hugs to you...

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  12. How are you doing? I have been praying for you and your family. Don't leave blogland, we all care too much about you and we want to share your happiness and your despair. Hugs

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  13. Dana, I hope you are able to do counseling. Asap I will donate on the link you provided. I hope that you and Steve stay close, and that more blessings come for your family. I will keep you in my prayers.

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