Monday, February 6, 2017

One Word

It's funny how it only takes a single word to take you back in time.

As you know, I've been in counseling. My counselor is pretty flexible with how our sessions go. Sometimes he'll start the conversation by asking about something specific, but a lot of times, he just asks what's on my mind and we go from there. It's a pretty good system because it ensures that I get a chance to get out whatever is weighing on me that particular day.

Last week, I brought up something that has been on my mind for a while, but I've been avoiding talking about. Me and Steve's relationship or, if you want to get really accurate about it, my fears about the strength of our relationship to cope with losing a child. In the midst of our conversation, the counselor said something to the effect of not wanting to just be roommates.

With that word, I was suddenly thrown back in time to five years ago. Our marriage wasn't in a good place then. We were still together, but there wasn't a strong connection between us. We shared a home, a child and sometimes a bed, but we pretty much lived separate lives. We were basically roommates. Even though I was unhappy, I lived in fear of him saying he didn't want to stay married any more.

So I took a huge chance and wrote Steve a massive email spilling out my heart and asking him to consider something that probably sounded a little strange. And even though it was a bit off the wall, he took a chance in trying it. It made a huge difference in our relationship. Our bond strengthened. We started talking, really talking. I learned that I could be independent and still lean on him. DD has made us the couple we are today.

When I look back on these past few months, I wonder if we would still be together if I hadn't taken that chance five years ago. Losing a child can take a toll on a relationship and a lot of relationships don't survive. But we have. A bit bruised and battered, but we're still standing together.

Because we strengthened our bond and opened the lines of communication, I feel safe sharing my grief with Steve. Even though I get frustrated at needing someone to lean on, I know that I can lean on him. I don't think the woman I was five years ago could say that.

6 comments:

  1. Dana,
    I have not been around much, but do offer now my sympathy to you and Steve. Ttwd took Jack and me out of our marriage "roommate" doldrums and it will safe you too, but for different reasons. Lean in and you both will find what you are looking for.
    Sorry for my absence,
    Meredith

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  2. Good points, Dana...many marriages don't survive the loss of a child. I really do believe the communication and trust necessary for a successful DD relationship has helped you and Steve cope. Sending prayers and healing energy for all three of you.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  3. Hi Dana, I glad the benefits of ttwd are helping you and Steve through. You are right, many couples wouldn't survive. Keep communicating and leaning on each other.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  4. Dana its good that TTWD/DD are helping you and Steve cope. Keep leaning in and talking.
    Sending positive vibes your way.

    Hugs Lindy xx

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  5. So god to hear that you are sticking with counseling and getting the benefit that it provides. Losing a child will surely test the limits of your marriage for sure as I definitely learned myself many years ago. Leaning in to Steve while may be difficult at times, will definitely keep you both connected and moving forward and closer together. Hugs to you. You have this.

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  6. I'm glad that you are in counseling, and that you and Steve are able to support and comfort each other. I will keep praying for you both. Keep writing hun, we will all encourage you and help keep your spirits up when you need us! I often tell my Hoh we need a huge target in the back yard that we can throw things at when we are stressed, upset, or frustrated (preferably breakable things.. much more fun to throw) lol, or a punching bag in the garage to take it out on. Its good to take a drive or a walk when you need to scream. I'm proud of you. I don't do that enough, and scream in front of my family, which makes them feel its directed at them. So, don't feel bad if you need a time out, or away for a few min.

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