Monday, March 27, 2017

Finding Our New Normal

Steve has always been protective of me, even before we started DD. Stepping into the HoH role strengthened that protectiveness, but he balanced the need to protect with my need for independence and it worked well for us. When I got pregnant, he got a little more protective. I have to admit at times that I would get annoyed, but knowing that it would ease up once the baby arrived made it easier to take.

Then we lost our baby and I nearly died. Steve's protective instinct went into overdrive. At first, that was a good thing. I was such a mess that I wasn't taking care of myself and needed someone looking out for me. Someone to make sure I took my medicine, remind me to eat, make me rest and keep me from overdoing it.

It took me a while to realize that he was protecting me from himself as well. No matter what I said or did, he let it go. I got mad and yelled at him one day. He apologized for upsetting me. I forgot to turn a burner off before leaving the house. He didn't say a word, just started checking behind me whenever I was using the stove. He'd ask me to take care of something and it wouldn't get done because I forgot. He would just remind me the next day or do it himself. Finally I asked him why. He said I had been through so much that he didn't want to hurt me.

It started to bother me. All I want is to feel normal again and you can't feel normal when everyone is treating you like you're breakable. It probably sounds crazy that I wanted Steve to get upset with me, but I needed him to. If he reacted like he did back when everything was normal, then I could feel normal again.

This past week, I hit my limit. I was determined to get a reaction out of him. So I decided to push a few buttons. I started small with a little act of rebellion that I figured he'd call me on. Nothing to get us in a fight, but it should have got some sort of reaction. Nothing happened.

I'm stubborn, though, so I didn't give up. I stepped up to a bigger button, his major pet peeve. I didn't just push that button. I danced all over it, sticking out my tongue and practically daring him to say something. I could tell it was bugging him, but he didn't say a word.

It was my counselor that pointed out the cycle we were stuck in. I'm getting frustrated because I want to feel normal and can't because Steve is treating me like something fragile. He sees my frustration and backs off thinking he doesn't want to make it worse. That just gets me even more frustrated, which makes him back off even more.

A little while after my appointment, Steve called so I took the opportunity to talk to him about it and tell him what the counselor said. He just repeated what he'd said before about not wanting to hurt me, which had me ready to pull my hair out in frustration. I didn't get much chance to say anything else because another call came in so he had to go. It was probably a good thing because it gave me a chance to calm down before trying again.

After he got in from work, I brought the subject up again. At first, it didn't seem like we were getting anywhere. Then it occurred to me to point out that feeling normal was important to my emotional health. We ended up reaching a compromise. He promised to start treating me like normal again, although with a little grace on my bad days, as long as I promise to tell him right away if anything is making me feel worse.

I guess he was pretty irked about me stomping all over his pet peeve because he took me at my word and I got a reaction later that evening. He took it easy and just used his hand because it has been over a year, but I definitely felt his displeasure. Much later after the stinging had eased and we had made love, I curled up against him and fell asleep right away, something that I haven't been able to achieve for months without reaching the point of exhaustion or taking medication.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Q&A

Who is the oldest? 

Him by a lot

Who was interested first?

Him

Same high school?

No. Given our age difference, he was graduating about the time I was born. We did have the same mascot though.

Worst temper?

This is a tough one. We both have tempers. I'd say me because his fuse is shorter so he lets it out while I simmer until I blow.
 
Who is more sensitive? 

Me.

More social?

Him. I'm an introvert.

Wakes up first? 

Him usually. He's a morning person. I'm the night owl.

Bigger family?

We're about even. Although if you look at cousins, especially once you get into the second and third cousins, I have him beat hands down. My mom's side of the family must have spent a lot of time in bed. LOL

Who cooks the most? 

Me. Steve doesn't really cook aside from grilling or the occasional eggs.

Flowers?

I love flowers, although I tend to prefer wildflowers. As I told Steve once, anybody can go to the florist and get roses. Taking the time to pick wildflowers off the side of the road means someone is thinking of you.
 
Cries more?

Me.

Better singer?

Me. Steve tries, but let's just say he shouldn't give up his day job.

Best driver?

It's about even. I'm a more cautious driver, but Steve is a more defensive driver.

Hogs the remote?

Him. I rarely watch TV aside from a couple shows I like so I don't mind giving up the remote.

Clothes'/shoe hoarder? 


He has more clothes. I have more shoes, which is kind of ironic when you consider I prefer to go barefoot whenever possible.

More stubborn? 

Depends on the issue, but in general, it's me that's more stubborn.

Who said I love you first?

Him. I'd been burned a couple times so I wasn't interested in getting involved in a relationship, but that was one time he was more stubborn than me. Twelve years later, we're still together.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Feeling Alone

It's been a rough week. I had been steadily improving, both physically and emotionally, but that came to a screeching halt this week. I had a really bad day on Monday and it went downhill from there. Having a bad day from time to time isn't out of the ordinary, but usually I can shake it off. I just can't seem to do it this time. I've been down all week.

I just feel so alone in all of this. My mom, who was such a huge support in the beginning, has gone back to her life. While I can still call her if I'm having a rough day, it's not the same. She's busy with other stuff and half the time we talk, she has to go because she has something else going on.

Steve's been gone a lot for work. They changed his schedule so he's going in earlier now. In theory, that should mean he gets to come home earlier, but it hasn't worked out that way. Nine times out of ten, a call will come in just before he's due to leave and his boss sends him out to take care of it. He's also been on call this week and has received several middle of the night calls. When he has been home, he's been so exhausted that he pretty much eats, showers and goes straight to bed so I haven't really been able to talk to him about how I'm feeling.

My best friend disappeared on me after I lost my daughter. She called out the blue this week, asking if she could come by. I reluctantly agreed and we talked. Even though she's apologized several times for not being there for me, I'm not sure I can forgive her for abandoning me in the darkest moment of my life, especially since it's taken her nearly six months to finally come around. I can't help but feel that the only reason she's coming around now is that she needs a friend because she just split with her husband. I really envy those people that have a true friend that they can depend on.

It's lonely being the mom of a child that's gone. In the beginning, everyone gathers round. Then they go back to their lives and you're left trying to cope on your own. Very few people in my circle have experienced a loss so even though they try to understand, they don't really get it. Until you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, you can't.

The isolation is compounded by the fact I rarely leave the house. I've started having panic attacks when I'm in the car so I don't drive unless I absolutely have to, mainly just picking up my older daughter from school (Steve usually takes her in the mornings) or going to counseling.

P.S.-It occurred to me recently that I never updated my email address when I changed it last year. If you emailed me and didn't get a response, I'm not ignoring you. I just didn't get it. The correct email is on the sidebar.