Friday, March 10, 2017

Feeling Alone

It's been a rough week. I had been steadily improving, both physically and emotionally, but that came to a screeching halt this week. I had a really bad day on Monday and it went downhill from there. Having a bad day from time to time isn't out of the ordinary, but usually I can shake it off. I just can't seem to do it this time. I've been down all week.

I just feel so alone in all of this. My mom, who was such a huge support in the beginning, has gone back to her life. While I can still call her if I'm having a rough day, it's not the same. She's busy with other stuff and half the time we talk, she has to go because she has something else going on.

Steve's been gone a lot for work. They changed his schedule so he's going in earlier now. In theory, that should mean he gets to come home earlier, but it hasn't worked out that way. Nine times out of ten, a call will come in just before he's due to leave and his boss sends him out to take care of it. He's also been on call this week and has received several middle of the night calls. When he has been home, he's been so exhausted that he pretty much eats, showers and goes straight to bed so I haven't really been able to talk to him about how I'm feeling.

My best friend disappeared on me after I lost my daughter. She called out the blue this week, asking if she could come by. I reluctantly agreed and we talked. Even though she's apologized several times for not being there for me, I'm not sure I can forgive her for abandoning me in the darkest moment of my life, especially since it's taken her nearly six months to finally come around. I can't help but feel that the only reason she's coming around now is that she needs a friend because she just split with her husband. I really envy those people that have a true friend that they can depend on.

It's lonely being the mom of a child that's gone. In the beginning, everyone gathers round. Then they go back to their lives and you're left trying to cope on your own. Very few people in my circle have experienced a loss so even though they try to understand, they don't really get it. Until you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, you can't.

The isolation is compounded by the fact I rarely leave the house. I've started having panic attacks when I'm in the car so I don't drive unless I absolutely have to, mainly just picking up my older daughter from school (Steve usually takes her in the mornings) or going to counseling.

P.S.-It occurred to me recently that I never updated my email address when I changed it last year. If you emailed me and didn't get a response, I'm not ignoring you. I just didn't get it. The correct email is on the sidebar.

16 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your pain! I am a sometime Lurker and I do know the pain of loss. If there is a chapter of a group called Empty Arms in your area, I urge you to call them. They are a support group of families who have gone thru a child's loss and they will come to you, call you, help you and your family. The pain will become less acute over time, tho we never completely leave it. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Anon. I haven't heard of Empty Arms, but I will certainly look into it.

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  2. Oh Dana, I am so sorry that you are struggling. I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. I think what the previous lady said is a great idea. if you could find a support group nearby you would be able to maybe find some new friends there who would have some ideas for you. You have all my sympathy,
    much love Jan, xx

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    1. Thanks Jan. I am looking for a local support group.

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  3. Dana... Loosing a child is one of the hardest things to go through and as I shared before, you will have many up's and down's as you learn how to cope with the loss of your daughter. When I lost my son 30+ years ago, even with counseling, it will take quite some time to move past the pain. Be kind and gentle with yourself, welcome the good days and just move through the more difficult days as best as you can. With Steve's hours changing, that certainly doesn't help, but he is doing what he can to maintain the household. Hopefully you two can find some time to set aside and enjoy each other's company and continue to support one another as you heal from this very painful loss. Support groups are an excellent way to meet others that have gone through your loss, even if you only read about their organization. I encourage you to continue counseling as this will provide you with necessary ongoing support. Continued prayers for healing and comfort in the days ahead.

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    1. Thanks Annabelle. Counseling has helped a lot. I will be eternally grateful to the organization that paid for me to go for 3 months. Yesterday was my last paid visit, but we now have insurance so I'll be able to continue going since the copay is reasonable.

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  4. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time, Dana. I've never lost a child so can't even begin to know what you are going through...can only imagine...but really wish I was closer to just come and sit beside you. Happy to hear you are continuing with your counseling...is it one on one or group. If it's a group, do you have someone you are closer to that you can reach out to in bad times? As far as your 'friend' is concerned...really think you need to keep that superficial, if anything. You have your hands full and do not need to take on her issues with the divorce. Not really much of a friend in my opinion...which along with $1 will get you a cheap cup of coffee. If there is anything I can do to help you through, please email me. Sending prayers and healing energy your way.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. Thanks cat. It's one on one counseling. My older daughter has also started counseling and sometimes her counselor pulls me into their session as well. As for the friend, that's what I was thinking. I think if she had called on a different day, I probably would have told her to go to hell, but I was so down that day that I was willing to take anyone just to not be alone right then.

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  5. Dana,
    I think about you often. Time is likely the answer, but I hardly know. Hold the things that are important closer.

    On another note, the scammer/hacker problem above can be solved by putting your comments under " needing approval" option. Several of us have had this problem and, for now it is working.

    Plus, get back into blog land doing some commenting around the land.
    Thinking about you,
    Meredith

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    1. Thanks Meredith. I took care of the scammer. Blogger is normally better about catching them. I definitely need to start getting back into blogland and catching up on everyone's life.

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  6. I'm so sorry Dana, losing a child is devastating. There are a couple of organizations that may be of help. healingfootprints.com another hope360.0rg. Why not give them a try. There specifically for people who have been through just what you're going through now.

    Prayers and healing thoughts to you.

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    1. Thank you Leigh. I will definitely look into those organizations.

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  7. Dana, I am really so sorry. Can't imagine how you must feel.

    I know it's easy for us to say find support groups but I agree with others, they could be of help to you.

    Thinking of you.

    Love and hugs
    Ronnie
    xx

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  8. Hi Dana, I'm so sorry you are struggling and just want to offer my support and tell you that I think of you often too. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

    (((hugs)))
    Roz

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  9. Dana I'm sorry you're feeling so alone through all this. I know in Australia there are lots of support groups. Hopefully you can find similar in your area so you can talk to someone who has been through it too.
    Sending positive vibes your way, stay strong.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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