It's been a rough week. I had been steadily improving, both physically and emotionally, but that came to a screeching halt this week. I had a really bad day on Monday and it went downhill from there. Having a bad day from time to time isn't out of the ordinary, but usually I can shake it off. I just can't seem to do it this time. I've been down all week.
I just feel so alone in all of this. My mom, who was such a huge support in the beginning, has gone back to her life. While I can still call her if I'm having a rough day, it's not the same. She's busy with other stuff and half the time we talk, she has to go because she has something else going on.
Steve's been gone a lot for work. They changed his schedule so he's going in earlier now. In theory, that should mean he gets to come home earlier, but it hasn't worked out that way. Nine times out of ten, a call will come in just before he's due to leave and his boss sends him out to take care of it. He's also been on call this week and has received several middle of the night calls. When he has been home, he's been so exhausted that he pretty much eats, showers and goes straight to bed so I haven't really been able to talk to him about how I'm feeling.
My best friend disappeared on me after I lost my daughter. She called out the blue this week, asking if she could come by. I reluctantly agreed and we talked. Even though she's apologized several times for not being there for me, I'm not sure I can forgive her for abandoning me in the darkest moment of my life, especially since it's taken her nearly six months to finally come around. I can't help but feel that the only reason she's coming around now is that she needs a friend because she just split with her husband. I really envy those people that have a true friend that they can depend on.
It's lonely being the mom of a child that's gone. In the beginning, everyone gathers round. Then they go back to their lives and you're left trying to cope on your own. Very few people in my circle have experienced a loss so even though they try to understand, they don't really get it. Until you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, you can't.
The isolation is compounded by the fact I rarely leave the house. I've started having panic attacks when I'm in the car so I don't drive unless I absolutely have to, mainly just picking up my older daughter from school (Steve usually takes her in the mornings) or going to counseling.
P.S.-It occurred to me recently that I never updated my email address when I changed it last year. If you emailed me and didn't get a response, I'm not ignoring you. I just didn't get it. The correct email is on the sidebar.