Monday, October 9, 2017

Words I Never Want to Hear

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

If you've been following here for a while, you know I'm not the best at staying out trouble. My mouth and my procrastination habit have landed me in hot water more than one. On various occasions, Steve has been upset, annoyed, frustrated, even angry with me, but I can't really remember any time in the past five years that he's said that he was disappointed with me.

To make a long story short, I was upset with Steve. The reason why isn't important. The key fact here is that I let my temper lead me into making a stupid and childish decision, one that caused him a lot of unnecessary worry.

I was already regretting that decision before he got home from work so I met him outside and apologized. He just said that he had been worried and that he was glad I was okay. An hour later, he hadn't said anything else about it so I asked if he was mad at me. That's when he said he wasn't mad, just disappointed.

Even though I knew he had every right to feel that way, it hurt to hear him say it. I felt awful about it and wanted to do whatever it took to fix it. But every time I brought it up, he changed the subject. I tried to pay attention to the show he was watching, but I couldn't focus. So I sat stewing in my guilt and the uncomfortable knowledge that Steve was disappointed in me.

It was almost a relief when I heard him slide open the drawer where he stores the implements. After some rummaging around, he finally picked one. Still he didn't say anything. I kept waiting for him to tell me to get into position, but he didn't. A good twenty minutes passed before he asked if I was ready.

Even those I craved the absolution a spanking would bring, I knew it was going to hurt. My cheeks clenched in protest even as I moved into position beside him. I was too angry with myself to allow myself to go over his lap where I could draw comfort from the feel of his skin against mine. To my surprise, when he realized what I was doing, he stopped me and put me there anyway.

The spanking hurt. That's kinda the point. But what hurt even more was hearing him talk while he spanked away. He told me how worried he was and the thoughts that went through his head while he waited for me to call or text that I was okay. I've always been a world class squirmer and I wanted nothing more than to squirm away from the swats and the words he was saying, but I forced myself to stay put. I think it's the only time since we started this whole thing that I actually managed to make it through an entire spanking without him having to say come back here.

There was some good that came out of all of this though. I guess you could say that it was our wake up call. We'd been drifting a bit, moving on a somewhat parallel track, but separately rather than together. So after all this happened, we sat down and had a long talk about how we could fix this and prevent it from happening again.

9 comments:

  1. Glad you were able to clear the air. Disappointing the one you love is a terrible feeling - been there.

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  2. Glad there was a silver lining. I know how terrible it feels to disappoint the one you love. Thank goodness that all is forgiven. Happy for you.

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  3. hi Dana, I think this is a great post to read, even though you disappointed Steve, you sound so much better and I am so glad as I think of you often.
    hugs, love Jan, xx

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  4. Dana,
    Good to hear from you. Jan is right. It is good to hear from you. Ttwd can fix disappointment.
    Meredith

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  5. Sorry you ended up disappointing Steve and getting a spanking, Dana. But happy it opened a dialog which has put you two on a more solid path. Sending lots s of positive energy.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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  6. Hi Dana, disappointing the one we love is an awful feeling, I'm sorry you went through this. So glad good came of it and that you talked.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  7. Dana so good to hear from you. Glad the air was cleared between you and Steve even if it involved a hard spanking. Hope things improve for you.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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  8. Dana it is good to hear from you, I do not have a blog, but have been a long time lurker. Disappointment is the worst, but your guy loves you and it sounds like your in a better place now.
    Mignon

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  9. Hi Dana, :) Disappointing the one that we love the most is a tough thing. I’m so glad that Steve was able to help you move through that situation, as well as help you to understand his feelings about it all. I’m happy that you both had that connection, and that it opened dialogue between you both. Nice to see you around! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie

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