Wednesday, July 11, 2012

We Made it Through the First Month

When I first brought the idea of domestic discipline to Steve, I never could have imagined how quickly it would bring about changes. Today marks one month since I worked up the nerve to bring DD to Steve and it's a world of difference from the way things were before I got up the nerve to talk to Steve about it.

I have learned so much in the last month.

I've learned that my husband is one heck of a leader. For so many years, I refused to let him take the role of leader of our marriage, our family and our home. I was so determined to be independent and not be under a man's thumb. But in letting him take the role he should have had all along, I've found that there was a leader hidden in him that I had never saw before.

I've learned that as his confidence in leading grows, it spreads to other areas. I've always been the "bad guy" with our daughter, the one that said no, the one that punished her if needed. Now that I've stepped back, she's looking at him differently. There are no more temper tantrums, her chores get done and her attitude has undergone a complete turn around.

I've learned that my husband is a strong man. He's strong enough to pull me back when I do something reckless. He's strong enough to issue consequences. I think part of my issues with respect was because I didn't see that side of him before. Now he has that respect because I know he will step up if needed.

I've learned he knows me better than I realized. I always thought he was oblivious to certain signs with me, like me getting quiet when I'm worried about something or me withdrawing and refusing to speak to him when I'm mad at him. It turns out he was aware of them, but chose to not really push. He may have asked if everything was okay, but he left me alone if I said I was fine or I didn't want to talk about it. That's all changed now. While he does give me a little space to work out my worries on my own before he starts pushing, I'm not allowed to sulk (his word) or refuse to speak to him when I'm mad any more.

I've learned my husband can spank. Sure the first couple times were not quite what I was expecting because we were both still learning. But after talking and doing some research, he definitely knows what he's doing now. All I have to say is OUCH! While my bottom wishes we could go back to those first few tentative spankings, I have to admit that spankings now are definitely more effective.

I've learned that in being a better wife, the intimacy I craved is now there. We touch more whether it's a simple caress as we pass in the hall, holding hands as we walk through a store, him opening the car door for me and helping me out, or snuggling up in bed together to sleep instead of sleeping as far apart as we possibly could.

I've learned that the sex is so much better. I don't know whether it's that we're more in touch with each other now or that he's turned on that I want to please him and I'm turned on by the strength and leadership I see in him. Our sex life had fizzled a bit over the years. It was still good when it happened, but it wasn't unusual for us to go weeks at a time without making love. Now, we can't keep our hands off each other. We don't go more than a day or two without making love and it's not unusual to find us locked away in the bedroom more than once in a day.

I've learned that being submissive doesn't mean he ignores how I feel. This really hit home the other week when we disagreed on something to do with our daughter. In the past, it would have turned into a huge stupid argument. I probably would have won, but it would have been a hollow victory because we would have hurt each other by saying things we regretted. So even though I was adamantly against his idea, I held my temper, calmly spelled out my reasons and told him I would respect his decision. I did end up getting my way, but it was because I had solid reasons that he hadn't thought of, not because he got tired of fighting with me.

I've learned that being submissive doesn't make me a doormat or slave, or even passive and voiceless. He welcomes my opinion as long as it's expressed in a respectful way. He may not always agree with me, but I do get my say. He doesn't sit back in front of the TV with a beer while I slave away at the housework; he helps me  He doesn't leave me feeling controlled; I feel cherished.

I've learned that I have always craved his approval of me as a wife. A couple weeks into our DD lifestyle, he mentioned he'd been bragging on me to his friends and family. Until I heard him say that he was bragging on me as a wife, not just a mom or cook, and holding me up as an ideal other guys should strive to find, I never realized how bad I wanted to hear him say that. How bad I wanted to be that ideal wife he could brag about. He hasn't told anyone the reason for the change because we agreed to keep that private (although he's okay with this blog), but he was still bragging on me.

I've learned that DD has strengthened our faith. I've been saved since I was 9 years old and I've had my ups and downs with faith over the years, but it has never been as strong as it is now. Under his leadership, we attend church as a family instead of separately or not at all. I read my devotional Bible (a gift he bought me) daily. We discuss things when we come across something that really spoke to us or we want the other person's opinion on. We do a couple's devotion nightly. We pray together.

If these changes have came about in only a month, I have to admit I'm curious to see what will be different when we reach the six months, or even a year.


  1. Aw, congrats on a month! A lot of the changes you mentioned sure resonated with me, Dana. Particularly, how when you "win" an argument now it's because he considered and ultimately agreed with your good points and not because he felt bullied into it or simply got tired of fighting and caved.

    1. It was nice to win an argument on the merits rather than wearing him down. It was hard at first though because that mama bear instinct was there and when it comes to my daughter, I'm willing to fight even if I have to deal with consequences. But I made an effort to think things through first before I opened my mouth and it worked out in the end.

  2. Its amazing how it feels when you hear your hubby bragging about u. Im so happy for you both and how its effected your lives, trust me it will only get better xxx

    1. It was a wonderful feeling. Things are so much better now that it makes me wish it hadn't taken me over a year to work up the nerve to bring up DD with him.

  3. I enjoyed reading about your changes and especially about the changes in your faith life, too. Very nice post & also very nice for you and your marriage. Regards,

    1. The changes in our faith is one benefit that I'm really thrilled about. Over the years, we've both had our ups and downs with faith. At times, I attended church alone with our daughter because he refused to go with me. Other times, he went alone.

      At one point, we attended separate churches with our daughter alternating Sundays with us because we couldn't agree on a church. We've been checking out area churches lately and I think we finally found one that we can both agree on.


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