Saturday, January 5, 2013

I'm a Gambler

Last night I spent a few hours trying to write a post about how we've been going lately. As sometimes happens when I'm trying to write a post about something before I've fully processed it, I kept hitting a wall. Finally, I gave up and went to bed, figuring it might come together better after a good night's sleep.

I was just about to drift off to sleep when it hit me. I'm a gambler.

No, not like this

Or this

Or this one either

Not even this one

Although I've got a knack for that one. I once won an amateur poker tournament that started with several tables of people playing and ended with me going head to head against a guy that had been playing longer than I've been alive. What made it even more amazing is that I had only learned how to play a month or so before that. But I digress.

My kind of gambling doesn't cost us money (or win it for that matter). You see Steve is a bit of a yo-yo when it comes to consistency. Sometimes I can't get away with anything. About time I get used to that, he starts letting things slide. Then I slip and slide for a bit until he gets back to being consistent again, at which point we start the cycle all over again.

His most recent bout with being Mr. Consistency has ended the same way as previous ones. After the first couple days, which were pretty rough, I made the adjustment and found my submissiveness. Then Mr. Consistency disappeared. I tried to maintain that submissiveness, but it started slipping away.

So I start playing the odds. I gamble that if I do something that would normally land me in trouble, he's going to be in the inconsistent phase. Sometimes my bet pays off, sometimes it doesn't. But since it pays off more than it doesn't, I keep gambling.

Now I know that this tactic isn't really cohesive with submissiveness. To have a truly submissive heart, I need to keep on track whether he's being consistent or not. But I haven't reached that point yet in our journey.

I need to feel his dominance in order to maintain my submissiveness. I'm not just talking about spanking, but general things that show me he's still in charge. Things like giving me a look or warning when I start dancing a little too close to the fire, telling me I need to put on a jacket because it's cold outside or simply telling me "That's enough. Let it go." when he sees I'm getting worked up over something that I can't change.

In the right time and place, gambling can be fun. But it's also risky because it's easy to get addicted if you're not careful. Obviously, our relationship isn't where I need to be gambling and I don't want to get addicted to it either. So sometimes I wish Steve would just give me a sign, something like this:

Or else


  1. I know exactly what you mean. I don't need threatened with a spanking or even to be told that I'm definitely getting one. I just need to know he's still with me in our journey.
    Great post. Does he read your blog? If not, he needs to read this post!! Maybe that will help!
    Elle :)

    1. Exactly Elle. Even if he doesn't feel like spanking, I need some sign that he's paying attention and I'm not doing this by myself.

      He doesn't read my blog, although he is aware of it and I do occasionally read him posts from it. He figures I need a space of my own where I can work things out without worrying about his reaction while I'm doing it. That way when I do talk to him about what's on my mind, I'm coming at it from a calmer place.

      There's also the fact that I have no one in real life that I trust enough to discuss our relationship so blogging and commenting on other blogs is a way for me to talk to people that actually understand.

  2. Hi Dana, the yo-yo affect - I hear you. You are not unique in this, I think we all go through ebs and flows with our dominance and submission. We certainly do here.

    "I need to keep on track whether he's being consistent or not". In theory? maybe. However, each partner really does feed of the other. We need to 'feel' his dominance in order to maintain our submission and vice versa, the more submissive we are, the more dominant he feels. I often wonder why this is the case when I actually want to be submissive to him and he wants to lead.

    I hope Mr consistency returns soon :) As Elle said, maybe a good idea to show this to Steve.


    1. Thanks Roz. I want to be submissive, but aside from a few rare occasions, I haven't quite been able to manage it without him. Hopefully as we continue to grow in our journey, it will get a little easier.

      We did talk last night and things are better now. I'll probably post about it later today.

  3. HoHs get lazy.....things in their castles become very peaceful and they start to get comfortable in their role forgetting that they need to be on top of things. Ian does it too. There seems to be times when he is diligent and watchful about my needs and moods, and other times when he seems to lose interest and let things slip. I don't do well without constant reinforcement, so we have devised a system where every night we have a "meeting" when we get into bed. It is such a little thing. I snuggle into his armpit and he talks - I listen about our relationship. Nothing else. Then he asks me how I am "doing". Meaning - how am I feeling, like my submission is warring with other impulses.
    We have agreed that to lie here is a punishable offence, so I never do, no matter how hard it is to say, I let him know and then he addresses is. Usually just with a stern talk, he goes over his expectations for me in our marriage, etc....
    I don't know if it would work for anyone else, but that daily meeting has been really good for us.
    Hope Mr. Consistency is on the job soon, Dana

    1. Thanks Lillie. I like the idea of regular talks to check in with each other. I don't know if Steve would go for doing it every night, but he'd probably be willing to try it a couple nights a week. I'll talk to him about it.


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