Sunday, April 28, 2013

A Meme For Steve

1  He's sitting in front of the TV - what is on the screen?  Probably COPS or one of its variations (Campus PD, etc)

2  You're out to eat:  what kind of dressing does he get on  his salad? Ranch

3  The most striking thing about his physical appearance?  When he's clean shaven, he looks a lot younger than he is. When we first started dating, I didn't believe him when he said how old he was and made him prove it by showing me his license. He also has a nice set of buns.

4  You go out to eat and have a drink:  what does he order?  Usually Dr. Pepper. He's frugal like me and just can't bring himself to pay restaurant prices for a beer when we can stop and get a six pack on the way home a lot cheaper.

5  Where did he go to high school?  Not far from where I was born, although we didn't meet until we were older and both living in a different state.

6  What size shoes does he wear?  10

7  If he were to collect anything, what would it be?  Oh dear. Anything and everything. He's big on getting stuff he doesn't necessarily need right now, but might need in the future. The majority of it is auto parts.

8  What is his favourite type of sandwich?  He loves it when I fry up some Steakumms with diced onions, top it with bread and butter pickles and mayo and put it on toasted hoagie roll.

9  What would he eat every day if he could?  Chocolate. Normally it's a woman that loves chocolate, but in our case, I don't care for it and he loves it. I buy him a few of the Hershey's Giant bars every week.

10  What is his favourite cereal?  Kellogg's Crave or Frosted Flakes

11  What would he never wear?  Shorts

12  What is his favourite sports team?  He doesn't really watch sports.

13  Who did he vote for?  We have widely different political opinions so we don't discuss it.

14  Who is his best friend?  Me

15  What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't?  Put myself down.

16  What is his heritage?  He's a Yankee (I can say that because I'm a southern girl) with east European roots.

17  You bake him a cake for his birthday:  what kind?  Despite his love of chocolate, he prefers a vanilla cake with my homemade double vanilla buttercream.

18  Did he play sports at high school? no

19  What could he spend hours doing?  Tinkering on stuff. He's always working on a car, lawn mower, power tools or computers.

20  What is one unique talent he has?  He's good with his hands.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Window of Opportunity

I've mentioned before that Steve is unhappy with his current job. He's been looking for a new one for a couple years, but so far hasn't had much luck. Because he's the sole provider for our family, he can't take just any job. It has to pay enough to support us.

There aren't a lot of job opportunities in this area and with unemployment at nearly 10%, competition is pretty fierce for any that do become available. He's applied for any decent jobs that have come available. We've sent out tons of resumes. We've networked. We've prayed. Yesterday a window of opportunity finally opened.

We live in a small town. As anyone who has ever lived in one can tell you, who you know is just as important as what skills you have when it comes to finding a good job. A friend of mine and I once both applied for the same job. Even though I had the skills and experience and she had neither, she got the job because someone in her family worked there.

Anyway, Steve has been trying to get on with this one particular company for about a year  It pays good. They have good benefits (his current job has none). They provide assistance in getting industry certifications. They don't have many openings because their employees tend to stay with them.

He has applied every single time this company posted an opening, but hasn't been successful yet. Then a while back he met someone that works there through a mutual acquaintance and they became friends. He mentioned to the friend that he had been trying to get on at the company and said he'd appreciate it if he put a good word in for him if a position opened up.

It paid off. The friend is transferring to another location in the company to be closer to his family. When his supervisor asked if he knew anyone who could fill his spot, he recommended Steve as his replacement. The supervisor told him to have Steve call him Monday morning to schedule an interview.

There is a some downside to this job. One, he has to commute, which means we have the added expense of more gas. We can reduce the cost somewhat by swapping vehicles, him driving my car and me taking the truck, but it's still going to cost more. Thankfully school is almost out, which will cut down on the amount of driving I have to do.

Two, we're not going to have as much time together. He'll be up and gone to work a couple hours before I get up and going to bed about the same time our daughter does. He'll have the weekends off so we'll have that time, but it's going to be a big adjustment not having our alone time in the evenings and the occasional morning like we do now.

I'm trying to focus on the positives. It will enable Steve to get away from his current job, which he hates and is always stressed over. We will be able to pay off all our debt and buy a house. We'll all have health insurance instead of just out daughter. We'll be able to afford the extras like a family vacation. We haven't been on one in 5 years and that one was only a weekend getaway.

And the real selling point for me is that we'll finally be able to move back to my hometown, which is where we lived when we first got married. I didn't want to leave there, but a couple months after we got married, Steve got offered what appeared to be a great job here. The job turned out to be not as good as promised and we've been stuck here ever since because we couldn't afford to move back.

Since this company has another location in my hometown, Steve can request a transfer there after he's been with the company for a year. Or he can use the certifications the company will help him get as a springboard to a job with another company.

For us, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks so we're both praying that his interview goes well and he gets offered the job. We would appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts you have to offer as well.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Road Trip

About ten years ago, I went on a trip to visit friends that lived out of state. I was a little concerned about making the trip myself because it was the first time I'd driven so far from home and I knew I'd be going through several major cities, but I had a week's paid vacation from my job and I was determined that I was going to do something with it. Armed with an atlas, printed directions and my dad on speed dial, I set out early on a Saturday morning to make the 500 mile trip.

Most of the trip went well. I passed through several states, stopping occasionally to fill up on fuel, take in some sights or just stretch my legs. I was down to my last 40 miles when I hit my first problem. You see my printed directions said I should take a certain exit. However it just gave the number of the exit, neglecting to tell me whether it was A or B. Having never driven in a major city before, I didn't know if there was a difference so I just guessed.

It wasn't until I started looking for my next turn that was supposed to come 12 miles down the road that I realized I had taken the wrong one. With a little help from a friendly cashier at a gas station, I managed to find my way back to the interstate I had turned off of. However, the directions put me on the interstate at a different point than I had came off of it so I had to try to figure out how to get back to that point.

As I was driving along, I was watching the road signs carefully and I noticed something. The road would first say I was headed east, then north, then west and then south before starting all over again saying I was headed east. Meanwhile the exit I was looking for was nowhere in site.

I'm not going to say how many times I went around and around before I finally got frustrated enough to call my dad. Let's just say it was a while. It turns out I was on one of the loops (usually referred to as a bypass) that go around major cities and I was going around it in the opposite direction than I originally came in on, which is why I never could find my exit. Once he figured out where I was, he told me how to get on the interstate going the way I needed and I found my exit a couple minutes later.

I feel like that's where Steve and I are right now. We're still traveling on this journey we embarked on ten months ago. There's still changes along the road. And yet we don't seem to be getting anywhere. We keep going around the same loop hoping that we'll find that turn that gets us where we need to be. We keep going this direction even though clearly we need to stop and consult a map.

After ten months, I thought we'd be further than this. I didn't think we'd still be having issues with inconsistency on Steve's part. I didn't think we'd still be struggling with procrastination and rebellion on my part. Somehow I thought we'd be past those issues by now, or at least not dealing with them as often.

For the first time since we started this journey, I came close to throwing in the towel. Close to telling Steve "Well we gave it a go and it just didn't work. Let's keep the closeness and intimacy it brought, but toss the rules, spankings and expectations that we have for each other."

It's something that has been on my mind for a few days now. But I'm not a quitter. I'm too stubborn to give up. So I kept those thoughts to myself.

Steve must have sensed something because he took action. When I came back from taking our daughter to school, he was still in bed so I climbed back under the covers and snuggled up to him to get warm. He got up a little while later, but I was half-asleep at that point so I stayed put. I didn't think anything of it when I heard his dresser drawer open. I just figured he was getting dressed for work.

Then a swat landed over the blanket and a role affirmation unlike any we've had before began. The first few swats were over the blanket. He stopped and we talked for about five minutes. The blanket got pulled back and a few more swats were given before we stopped to talk again. Then a couple more swats and another break to talk.

All together it lasted about half an hour although there was probably only five minutes (if that) of actual spanking. The rest of the time was spent talking.

I guess you could say this morning's role affirmation was us pulling over and checking the map. We needed to figure out where we were and if we were on the right track. Now we're back on the road again, hopefully headed in the right direction this time.

And if you're wondering how my road trip ten years ago ended up, I had no more problems. After spending a couple days with my friends, I headed back home. Flush with success on my first solo road trip and with several days left before I had to return to work, I decided to go visit another friend who lived 800 miles in the opposite direction. It was a great week.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Do You Know What Today Is?

Do you know what today is? I just thought it was just a plain old Saturday in April. I didn't realize any different until I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and a friend mentioned what today is.

Today is Husband Appreciation Day. It's a holiday falling on the third Saturday of April every year. This is the day we take the time to let our guys know how much they're appreciated for all the things they do.

And if you're wondering, there is a Wife Appreciation Day too. It falls on the third Sunday in September.

Friday, April 19, 2013

What Do I Do?

This morning an issue came up that I'm a bit divided on. In a nutshell, I'm in a awkward spot between following my heart and obeying Steve.

Steve works with the husband of one of my friends. This morning he mentioned something that the husband is doing. I know for a fact that this is something he has promised my friend that he wouldn't do. He's not cheating or doing drugs, but it's something she feels strongly about and they've had issues over it before.

My immediate reaction was to call and tell her. After all, if my husband was doing something behind my back, I'd want to know and she would tell me. That's what friends do. They look out for each other.

However, when I voiced my plan to tell her, Steve immediately shot me down and told me in explicit terms that I was not to say anything about it to her. They're already having problems over some other issues and, since they have a baby on the way, he doesn't want us to be causing any more problems.

I'm divided. My heart is telling me to tell her. My husband is telling me to keep my mouth shut. I know I'm risking a punishment if I tell her, but I can't help but feel that I'm not being a good friend if I keep this from her.

What do I do?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The Migraine That Made a Rule

As most of you know, I suffer from migraines. I take a daily preventative medication, but still get one every month or so. I have Imitex for those times.

I woke up yesterday morning with a headache. It steadily worsened through the morning so I laid down around lunchtime in the hopes that a nap would ease it. I set my alarm so I'd be up in time to pick up our daughter and then fell fast asleep.

The next thing I knew my phone is ringing and I saw it was my daughter's school. I had a brief moment of panic that something might be wrong, only to find out they were calling because school was out and I hadn't picked up my daughter. I told them I was on my way and they said she would be in afterschool care until I arrived.

I threw on my shoes and ran out the door, but it was still 3:30 before I arrived to pick her up. It cost me $9 because she went to afterschool care. Nine freaking dollars for them to watch her for half an hour.

I have to admit it crossed my mind to tell our daughter not to tell Steve. But then I remembered the last time I did that and how bad I felt about what I was teaching her so I kept my mouth shut. When we got home, I got her settled and then I called Steve to confess.

While he was understanding about the migraine, he wasn't too pleased about the fact that I had overslept to the point that I didn't pick our daughter up on time, which cost us money. He put the blame not on my migraine, but on my night owl habits. Then he made the ominous statement that he was going to fix that.

As much as I hate to admit it, he's probably right about my sleeping habits. I'm a night owl and rarely go to bed before 1 am. I'm usually up at 7 to get our daughter off to school. More often than not I'm tired when I get up and I occasionally will go back to bed once I have the house to myself.

When we went to bed last night, I was a bit nervous about how he planned to fix my sleep habits. It wasn't long before I found out. He said from now on he wants me in bed no later than 11 pm. Then he took away any wiggle room by making it a rule, which makes it a punishable offense.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Three Times a Meme

I've saw this floating around and figured I'd add my three words.

1.Where is your cell phone?  around here somewhere

2.Boyfriend/girlfriend?  I married him

3.Hair?  recently went red

4.Your mother?  annoying at times

5.Your Father?  gone a lot

6.Your favorite items? always near me

7.Your dream last night?  don't remember it

8.Your favorite drink?  love my Pepsi

9.Your dream Guy/ Girl?  already found him

10.The room you are in?  den/computer room

11.Your fear?  losing loved ones

12.What do you want to be in ten years?  in Steve's arms

13.Who did you hang out with last night?  my wonderful family

14.What are you not?  skinny or tall

15.Are you in love?  every single day

16.One of your wish items? our own house

17.What time is it? little after 2

18.The last thing you did? let dogs out

19.What are you wearing? capris and t-shirt

20.Your favorite book? depends on day

21.The last thing you ate? egg white omelet

22.Your Life? going better now

23.Your mood? feeling pretty good

24.Your friends? are the best

25.What are you thinking about right now? going for walk

26.Your car? great gas mileage

27,What are you doing at the moment? enjoying the quiet

28.Your summer? ready for it

29.Your relationship status?  happily married thanks

30. What is on your TV screen?  cartoons I think

31.When is the last time you laughed? about 3 am

32.Last time you cried? two mornings ago

33.School?  going back soon

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Reeling Me Back In

I started writing a post last night about how things were going, but I really didn't know what to say. When I was writing it, I was caught up in an overwhelming swirl of emotions. I debated about posting it at all because I wasn't completely sure it would make sense. That changed this morning.

You see see we've been in a strange place lately. DD had pretty much disappeared, leaving only lingering traces of the changes it brought. Daily role affirmation hadn't really happened. Punishment spankings were non-existent. There had been no lectures, no warnings, no looks, no sign that there was someone leading. There was just a single remark that came across as more of a joke than something real.

Some things were the same. We still had some of the closeness. The dishes still got done every night before bed. I even made it through the horror moans without Snappy making an appearance.

A couple times, I wondered if it was possible that this was all just some crazy dream that I just woke up from. If not for this blog and a drawer full of implements, I would have been hard-pressed not to believe that I had imagined it all.

I felt off-kilter, adrift without an anchor. I was frustrated at the change. I had moments of panic where I feared we'd slowly go back to the way things used to be before we started this journey. I didn't want to go back. To be honest, I'm not sure I can go back, not after seeing how great things can be.

I felt like he was withdrawing from me. I wondered why. I started letting old fears prey on me. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I knew I needed to talk to Steve, to let him in on all this going on in my head. But I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't even sure I understood it myself. Even if I could voice all this, what if he said something I wasn't ready to hear?

Just like usual when something is on my mind, I didn't sleep well last night. I laid in bed with thoughts swirling in my head for a couple hours before finally falling into a restless sleep. This morning I was no closer to a solution so I started falling back into an old habit. I buried it, put on my mask and got on with things.

To my surprise, it was Steve that brought things to a head. When I got back from taking our daughter to school, he was up. I told him I was going back to bed because I didn't sleep well. He told me he didn't either and if he had to be up, so did I.

I went to lay down. I wasn't trying to be defiant. In all honesty, I didn't think he was serious. I've laid back down before if I've had a bad night and it's never been a problem as long as I still got my chores done before he got home.

Steve followed a few minutes later and when he found me in bed, he said he should spank me. I might have said something like "yeah right" and hinted that he was all talk. He got quiet for a minute and then asked if I really thought that. I guess things weren't quite as buried as I thought they were because before I could really think it through, I told him it sure seemed like it these days.

The next thing I knew I was flipped onto my stomach, he was straddling the back of my thighs and the paddle was beating out a rhythm on my backside. I guess I should be grateful that he didn't take the time to pull down my pants because it stung like the dickens even with pants on.

I dissolved in a puddle of tears a minute or two later and after a few more swats, he moved to kneel in the middle of the bed. I sat up in front of him, leaning into him and burying my face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me until the tears slowed.

Then Steve laid down on his side, pulling me into him. We laid there like that for a few minutes, not talking just holding onto each other. Finally he asked what was going on in my head.

I thought it would be hard to put into words, but it turned out to be surprisingly easy. I told him I felt like he quit on me. Even though I didn't say it out loud, he understood that I wasn't just talking about DD.

You see I've always had this unspoken fear that people in my life will decide I'm not worth the trouble and walk away. Part of it stems from my ex. While he never raised a hand to me, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He used the threat of him leaving to keep me in line.

Steve never really knew about this fear until a couple years ago. He had a break one day and called to invite me to have lunch with him at a local restaurant. He just wanted to spend a little time with me because he had been working some long hours and we hadn't had much time together.

I got it in my head that he was going to tell me it was over and had chosen a public place to do it, knowing I'd turn and walk away rather than fall apart or cause a scene in front of strangers. He didn't understand why my hands were trembling, why I was so quiet, why I flinched when he reached across the table for my hand. It wasn't until that night when we were talking that I finally confessed my fear.

After I told Steve that I felt like he quit on me, we talked some. He reassured me of his love and said he wasn't going anywhere. While we have some more talking yet to do, we're on steadier ground now. I found out that I wasn't quite as adrift as I thought I was. Apparently there was a line holding me to the shore and he's reeling me back in.

Monday, April 8, 2013

A Smaller Target

This past week I got fed up with being overweight and decided to make some changes. I started walking again and plan to add in some Tae Bo once I get a little more stamina built up. I'm watching what I eat and diligently tracking it to pinpoint problem areas. I even kicked my Pepsi habit and have been drinking water.

I didn't tell Steve at first, but he caught on pretty quickly. It was probably because I started cooking healthier meals. While he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am and won't put up with me making disparaging remarks about myself, he did say he was glad to see me making an effort to get healthier because he wants me around for a long time.

Then he made me laugh by asking if I was trying to lose weight so he'd have a smaller target to aim at. We had a good laugh over that one and then he gave a light swat and said if he could find my butt in the dark (post here if you missed it), he could certainly find it even if it's smaller.

Oh well, at least it will look good while it's getting swatted.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Power of the Snuggle

I couldn't sleep last night. I was tired and wanted to, but insomnia had kicked in. I tossed and turned for a while, then got up to read, figuring it would settle me enough I could fall asleep. It was nearly 4 before I got sleepy enough to do it.

Even once I got sleepy, I still had trouble. I kept waking up every 15-20 minutes. By the time my alarm went off at 7 to remind me to take my temperature (we're trying to conceive so I'm monitoring my BBT), I was feeling pretty rough.

I took my temperature, then fell back asleep again. I woke up about 20 minutes later, then felt Steve snuggling in behind me, wrapping his arms around me. To my surprise, I drifted right back to sleep and slept without waking for a solid two hours.

We talked about it after I got up. I told him about my restless night. He said he woke up and had a feeling I needed to snuggle.

It seems funny that such a simple thing can make a difference. And yet it did. I tossed and turned all night, but immediately calmed and slept well once his arms were around me.

I think part of it has to do with Steve being sick this week. It's nothing major, just a summer cold, but with him still trying to work with it, it's sapped his energy. Normally when we go to bed in the evenings, I curl up against him while we talk about our day or watch a movie. Then we go to sleep. But since he's been sick, we haven't been doing that. He's been coming in from work tired, eating and going straight to bed.

Thursday, April 4, 2013


Every once in a while I come across a song that hits a nerve for some reason. Today was one of those days that it happened. I was listening to some Avril Lavigne and her song Naked came on. I listened to it, restarted it and listened again.

I never realized how much this song applies to me. I've always been the type of person that keeps the inner me hidden away from people. People just see the outer shell, the confident, strong woman that can handle anything. Some people have got a little bit under the surface, but I've never truly opened up and let someone get all the way in.

But there's been a lot of changes over these past months since we brought DD into our marriage. In that time, Steve's managed to peel back all those protective layers that I surrounded myself in. It's a vulnerable feeling knowing I'm that open to him.

It takes a lot of trust to keep me from grabbing those layers and piling them back on. While I know this openness between us is a good thing, that urge to protect myself, even from him, is still there. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life, but having your heart and soul laid open is scary, terrifying even.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get easier. Will I ever feel comfortable being this vulnerable? Will the urge to protect myself ever go away?

Naked by Avril Lavigne

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin

I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah

I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna (you're gonna) see right through, baby
you're gonna see right through,

I'm so naked around you,
and I can't hide,
You're gonna see right through, baby

Monday, April 1, 2013

A DD Coffee Cup

I saw this online and had to smile. You just have to wonder if the person that came up with this coffee cup was in a DD relationship.

When cold it says "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Once warmed, the words "Mischief Managed" appear.

Up to no good before warming and mischief managed after. Yep, that sounds like me.