Friday, April 19, 2013

What Do I Do?

This morning an issue came up that I'm a bit divided on. In a nutshell, I'm in a awkward spot between following my heart and obeying Steve.

Steve works with the husband of one of my friends. This morning he mentioned something that the husband is doing. I know for a fact that this is something he has promised my friend that he wouldn't do. He's not cheating or doing drugs, but it's something she feels strongly about and they've had issues over it before.

My immediate reaction was to call and tell her. After all, if my husband was doing something behind my back, I'd want to know and she would tell me. That's what friends do. They look out for each other.

However, when I voiced my plan to tell her, Steve immediately shot me down and told me in explicit terms that I was not to say anything about it to her. They're already having problems over some other issues and, since they have a baby on the way, he doesn't want us to be causing any more problems.

I'm divided. My heart is telling me to tell her. My husband is telling me to keep my mouth shut. I know I'm risking a punishment if I tell her, but I can't help but feel that I'm not being a good friend if I keep this from her.

What do I do?


  1. I do not want to encourage you to say anything. I understand the dilemma you are in. I have been in a similar spot. There has got to be a way around it. You cannot disobey your husband. That being said, I believe further discussion is needed. If its something that can and will irreparably damage their marriage, then he must see that holding the secret back could only be harmful. Secrets always find a way out into the open. If this were happening in your marriage, how would it affect it? There must never be secrets in a marriage. Your husband should be encouraging his friend to come clean. That would be the best answer. Otherwise, you could cause more harm than good by spilling the beans yourself. She would not only feel betrayed by her husband, but also that she could never trust him to be honest with her ever again. That could break a marriage.
    Remember, this isn't a test of your loyalty. It's a test if his honesty. How important is his marriage to him?
    Okay. I'm off my soapbox now. Hope this helped.

  2. What is more important to you? Being a good friend or being a good WIFE?

    Now would be a good time to show your husband some respect and honor his wishes.

  3. Two thoughts, Dana -
    1) Perhaps they have already discussed the issue and she is aware.
    2) Perhaps she is not, but perhaps Steve in a husband-to-husband way has addressed it with him and was unable to tell you because he was present when Steve was talking to you.

    What LM said- Remember, this isn't a test of your loyalty. It's a test if his honesty. How important is his marriage to him? well that was about the wisest advice I have ever heard. I would add this, if you are really struggling with this, tell Steve - just tell him, not that you are thinking of breaking a "D" or 2, but that you are struggling and ask for his help in understanding they whys of his thought process. Remember that we are emotional, and guys are more big-picture people. He may see something you are not.

    He has never steered you wrong, Dana. He has a good reason, let him guide you through it.


  4. I have found that in dilemmas such as this, most often the wife will be upset with YOU for telling her even if she thinks she wants to know. Also, you live with your husband, not your friend so if you go against his wishes what harm will it potentially cause your marriage? Prayerfully consider all things before moving forward. quiet_sara

  5. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. After reading all the replies and praying about it, I've decided that unless my friend asks me directly, I'm not going to say anything about it. As much as it bothers me to keep something from her, it would bother me more to disrespect Steve by deliberately doing something he asked me not to.

  6. I'm late in saying anything, but I think lilmisses has given good advice. I certainly could not work it out so clearly myself. I think your decision is correct and you will not regret it.

  7. This is really hard but as long as it isn't threatening them money wise, health wise then I wouldnt say anything. They are already having problems and even if you are well intentional it could do more harm then good.

  8. I really liked lilmisses comment, the one June quoted back. It is so true, and I do agree that sitting down with Steve, and asking him to talk to you more about it, would be good. But in the end, your first goal in your marriage is to honour your husband, and even though it's hard, it will be the best for you. Your husband loves you, he loves your friends, he does want to do the best thing for everyone. {{{HUGS}}}


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