Friday, June 28, 2013

Before and After

This week I've did a lot of thinking. A little over a year ago we implemented domestic discipline in our marriage. Things have really changed over that time and now society is telling us it's all wrong. So let's take a look at before and after.

Before DD

We fought. Usually over the same stupid things. Things would get said that would leave both of us hurting so we'd withdraw. I was the queen of silent treatments and could easily go days without speaking. Then because nothing actually got resolved, we'd end up in another fight later.

Even when we weren't fighting or giving each other the silent treatment, we didn't talk much. When we did, it wasn't anything deep. We talked about the house, our finances, our child or what was going on with friends or other family members. But we didn't talk about us or what we were feeling.

We shared a house and a bed, but rarely touched. Sex was infrequent. We rarely sat beside each other or snuggled. Even in our sleep, we would migrate to opposite sides of the bed, leaving a huge gap between us.

I made mistakes. Who doesn't? But I'd beat myself up over them, letting my guilt overwhelm me. I would be so focused on feeling guilty that I'd end up doing something else I regretted.

Ah, yes, those were the good old days, back when we were "normal."

After DD

We rarely fight. When we do, it usually blows over pretty quickly. We both try harder not to withdraw. That doesn't mean it still doesn't happen sometimes, but it rarely takes long for one of us to make the first move..

We talk more and we talk about everything. I've told Steve things I've never told anyone before in my life. Because we're more open with each other, we can sense when something isn't right with the other, even without a single word being said.

We touch more. I often meet him in the driveway before he even gets out of the truck so I can get a hug and a kiss. He'll grab my hand as I'm walking through the living room and pull me down in his lap for a kiss. We snuggle up together nearly every night. We fall asleep in each others' arms.

I still make mistakes. But they're dealt with, I forgive myself and move on.

It's terrible the way things are now, now that I'm "abused." I guess I should be grateful for that article that made me rethink things. I should schedule an appointment with a shrink right away so I can work through my mental issues and stand up to that meanie I'm married to.

Yeah right.

I can understand why outsiders might find our relationship strange. When I first came across the concept of domestic discipline, I thought it was strange myself. It's different.

But I was intrigued by the idea so I started reading more. I came across bloggers such as Stormy, Sara, Grace, Susie, Kay, and Ward and June (I'm not linking because some of them are private now and even if they weren't, I'm not helping those idiots find more people to bash). I saw that their relationships were far from abusive. Instead they were loving. I think Stormy said it best when she called it domestic harmony.

Instead of being appalled by their relationships, I was jealous. I wanted that for me and Steve. I wanted that total openness with each other, the security of knowing that if I made mistakes we could fix them. I wanted that harmony.

So I talked to Steve about it and we decided to give it a try. A little over a year ago we started this journey. We've had our ups and downs, but we both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before, back when we were "normal" in society's eyes.

We like the way things are now. We like the fact that we're head over heels for each other again. We like the fact that we genuinely miss each other when we're apart, even if it's just for a few hours. We like the fact that we can talk to each other about anything. We like the fact that we've found that harmony that I was so jealous of.

I don't care if society thinks we're not normal. I don't want to be like everyone else. In a time where many choose to walk away rather than work things out, I'm proud to be one of the minority. Our way of working things out might be a bit different than everyone else, but it worked for us. And for us, that makes it worth it in the end.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Ghost Town

I haven't been writing lately because we really haven't had much going on to write about. I have, however, been following the storm of controversy that has followed a certain article. I've saw prolific blogs suddenly go silent. I've saw some go private or disappear completely. Our little community has become a bit of a ghost town these days.

I debated about going private as well. I've shared a very personal part of my life here on this blog. I've found a lot of support from those who "get it." I have even shared emails with some of you. I really didn't want to risk someone coming along as a result of that article (or the ones that have followed it) and ruining this wonderful place I've found here.

But then I got mad. Really mad. Why should I go hide? Why should I allow a group of small-minded people to run me off because they aren't willing to open their eyes and see that whether they agree with our way or not, it's our right to choose how we live our lives?

I'm not going anywhere.

If you've come to this blog because you're looking to bash some poor beat down woman that's too stupid to leave her abusive husband, you're not going to find that here. Like many of us that practice DD, I was the one to bring it to the table. I wasn't forced into it. I asked for it.

I didn't do it because I'm weak, have low self-esteem, want to satisfy a kink, have Daddy issues or I have a screw loose in my head. It's not something I jumped into blindly. I researched and thought about it for over a year before approaching my husband with the idea. I did it because I strongly believe that what works best for our relationship and our family is to have one person leading.

That doesn't mean I'm a doormat or my husband sits back issuing orders and expecting me to follow them. He takes his responsibility as leader of our family seriously. He never asks anything of me that he isn't willing to do himself.

We do have a child in the home and she knows nothing of our arrangement. We don't hide it from her because it's wrong or we're ashamed. We keep it behind closed doors because it is something personal between the two of us, just like sex. The only thing she sees is that we fight less, laugh more and are madly in love with each other.

We do have rules. It's not a huge list, just a few things we agreed on together and a few that he implemented on his own. The rules all serve a purpose. They're either for my own good, the good of our relationship or the good of our family. Some overlap. I may grumble about a rule occasionally, but I can't deny that the rules have helped. Take my bedtime rule. Now that I get to bed at a decent time most nights, I'm not as run-down and I have a lot less migraines.

Do I get spanked? Sometimes. My husband doesn't spank over every little offense and he doesn't spank over stupid stuff. If I burned dinner, he'd just help me air out the kitchen and ask if I want him to order pizza.

A spanking is usually because I've broken a rule. While I know it isn't going to be pleasant (after all that's the point), I also welcome it because I feel guilty, not only for letting him down, but also for letting myself down. The spanking allows me to release that guilt so I can move on instead of beating myself up over a mistake. It allows me to get forgiveness from him, but also forgive myself.

Domestic discipline is not abuse. Like I said before, I asked my husband for this. We've both consented to this and we both have the right to withdraw that consent at any time. I have no doubt that there are some that go too far or use domestic discipline as an excuse for abuse, but that's not the case with us and you shouldn't condemn an entire group just because there's a few bad apples.

Our relationship may be a bit different than yours or even miles apart from what you're used to, but it works for us. We respect your right to live your life as you choose. We only ask for the same courtesy in return.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Still Got It

It was one of those unexpected moments that we as parents have learned to take advantage of. Steve's parents had dropped by to ask if our daughter could go shopping with them. They were barely out of the driveway when I texted Steve.

I'm all alone. Want a nooner?

He texted back almost immediately.

Sure. I'm on my way.

I thought he was kidding. He was working and he doesn't generally take off in the middle of the day. He has once or twice in the past, but it was because he had to come home for something anyway. So I went on with what I was doing and didn't think much of it until a second text arrived.

I'm almost home.

I had just set down the phone when I heard the sound of a truck coming down our road fast. I don't know how fast he was going, but he was in a hurry. I met him at the garage door and we stumbled through the garage kissing and touching all the way. We were so focused on each other, we nearly tripped over the dogs as we came in the house.

As we passed through the kitchen, he backed me up against the counter and gave me one of those long kisses that never fail to turn me to jelly.

By the time we made it to our bedroom door, clothes were flying. We collapsed on the bed still kissing. We were both too worked up to spend much time on foreplay. It was one of those times when you just can't wait another second to have each other. And then

Afterwards we laid there in a state of bliss until it occurred to us that our daughter would be back any minute. He jumped in the shower to cool off and I got dressed. The doorbell rang just as I was exiting the bedroom.

It's nice to know that after nearly 9 years together, we still got it.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Our First Year

These past couple weeks have been crazy. It seems like I've been running constantly trying to stay on top of everything. We've had birthday parties, company, a new baby in the family (not mine) and a ton of other stuff going on. It seems like every time I sit down to check up on Blogland, someone needs me for something and I never manage to get too far with my reading or updating.

But today is a special day so I'm carving out time for this post. Today marks one year since I first worked up the nerve to talk to Steve about domestic discipline and started us on this journey. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride at times, but the changes it has brought to us and our relationship make it all worth it. I can't imagine ever going back to the way things were before and neither can he.

I loved Stormy's post about her first year in review so I'm borrowing the idea.

Our Year in Review

Just getting started and feeling our way. I get my first spanking. While I'm impressed he stepped up, the spanking is surprisingly easy to take. We do a lot of talking about where we want our marriage to go. A few rules are set.

"Umm, hon, I think you need to spank a little harder if you want to get your point across."

We decide a clean slate spanking is needed for the past. Steve learns how to spank effectively. We have a fun weekend helping me find submission. I struggle with feelings of isolation and turn more to my blog for feedback from people that understand. More rules are added. Role affirmation begins.

"Ok, forget what I said about needing to spank harder. That hurts!"

Losing my grandmother hits me hard and DD takes a backseat. Steve struggles to help me deal with my emotions and keep us on track. I learn to lean on him.

"I can't deal with this right now."

Steve proposes a break until I'm back to normal. I turn him down. I realize I need the structure of DD. Things start getting back to normal. Date night gets derailed, but a later attempt goes better. I open up about the fact that sometimes I need a spanking to relieve tension and built up emotions. We get a new implement.

"Do we really need so many implements?"

I get two weeks of freedom while sick. Steve realizes the need for consistency. I dig in my heels and he does too. I get spanked for several days in a row because I refuse to let go of my stubbornness. He wins. I inadvertently give him a scare. I make the mistake of buying him another implement, a move I quickly regret. We realize I have buns of steel when I break the new implement.

"I didn't mean I wanted to call off DD."

I break two more implements. Steve tells me to order a cane. Spanking is on hold while I recover from shingles. Growing pains. He's getting more consistent and I'm still fighting it. I realize that I've been fighting to maintain control all along. I confess to it and open up about the wall I've put up. We have our first fight since beginning DD. Things are rough for a couple days, but we come through it having learned a valuable lesson in communication.

"When I showed you that site, I didn't mean for you to look at everything they had, just the one thing I was showing you."

Still struggling with not sneaking back control, but it's getting easier. The wall finally comes down. We do a lot of talking about how things were in the past and where we both want to see us going in the future. The dreaded cane arrives. We manage to stay on track without spanking while we battle the flu. Steve hits a major growth spurt in the final days of the year.

"I'm too sick to get in trouble."

A month of major growth for both of us. Both of our protective instincts go into overdrive when family members threaten our happiness. I confess to gambling on his inconsistency then up the ante by betting him he can't stay consistent. He wins the bet and I learn a surprising lesson in grace. A little research turns up a surprising benefit of spanking. He helps me handle a stressful situation without a single spanking.

"This gives new meaning to the phrase whipping someone into shape."

A scare early in the month brings us closer together. I manage to make it nearly three weeks without getting in trouble even without role affirmation. Steve makes a change to role affirmation. I decide to set a small goal of making it a month punishment-free.

"See? I can stay out of trouble."

A bumpy month. I come to a realization about role affirmation, but it doesn't stop me from spiraling without it. As the month nears the end, Steve implements daily role affirmation to get me back on track with weekly role affirmation to follow as soon as he thinks I'm where I need to be.

"I'm going to get spanked every day?!"

Daily role affirmation turns out to be not so daily. We hit a bit of a slump where DD seems to disappear, but manage to find out way back to each other. I get a toothache that leads to me spending the morning of our wedding anniversary in a dentist chair, but Steve's attention and care makes it a nice day anyway.

"The holidays hate me."

Things go downhill for a bit. Hurt and anger lead me to gather all of our implements and throw them away. Thankfully I change my mind, but they do get hidden away for a while. We do a lot of talking about us and eventually about DD. We make some changes and start anew.

"We really need to work on our communication skills."