Friday, June 28, 2013

Before and After

This week I've did a lot of thinking. A little over a year ago we implemented domestic discipline in our marriage. Things have really changed over that time and now society is telling us it's all wrong. So let's take a look at before and after.

Before DD

We fought. Usually over the same stupid things. Things would get said that would leave both of us hurting so we'd withdraw. I was the queen of silent treatments and could easily go days without speaking. Then because nothing actually got resolved, we'd end up in another fight later.

Even when we weren't fighting or giving each other the silent treatment, we didn't talk much. When we did, it wasn't anything deep. We talked about the house, our finances, our child or what was going on with friends or other family members. But we didn't talk about us or what we were feeling.

We shared a house and a bed, but rarely touched. Sex was infrequent. We rarely sat beside each other or snuggled. Even in our sleep, we would migrate to opposite sides of the bed, leaving a huge gap between us.

I made mistakes. Who doesn't? But I'd beat myself up over them, letting my guilt overwhelm me. I would be so focused on feeling guilty that I'd end up doing something else I regretted.

Ah, yes, those were the good old days, back when we were "normal."

After DD

We rarely fight. When we do, it usually blows over pretty quickly. We both try harder not to withdraw. That doesn't mean it still doesn't happen sometimes, but it rarely takes long for one of us to make the first move..

We talk more and we talk about everything. I've told Steve things I've never told anyone before in my life. Because we're more open with each other, we can sense when something isn't right with the other, even without a single word being said.

We touch more. I often meet him in the driveway before he even gets out of the truck so I can get a hug and a kiss. He'll grab my hand as I'm walking through the living room and pull me down in his lap for a kiss. We snuggle up together nearly every night. We fall asleep in each others' arms.

I still make mistakes. But they're dealt with, I forgive myself and move on.

It's terrible the way things are now, now that I'm "abused." I guess I should be grateful for that article that made me rethink things. I should schedule an appointment with a shrink right away so I can work through my mental issues and stand up to that meanie I'm married to.

Yeah right.

I can understand why outsiders might find our relationship strange. When I first came across the concept of domestic discipline, I thought it was strange myself. It's different.

But I was intrigued by the idea so I started reading more. I came across bloggers such as Stormy, Sara, Grace, Susie, Kay, and Ward and June (I'm not linking because some of them are private now and even if they weren't, I'm not helping those idiots find more people to bash). I saw that their relationships were far from abusive. Instead they were loving. I think Stormy said it best when she called it domestic harmony.

Instead of being appalled by their relationships, I was jealous. I wanted that for me and Steve. I wanted that total openness with each other, the security of knowing that if I made mistakes we could fix them. I wanted that harmony.

So I talked to Steve about it and we decided to give it a try. A little over a year ago we started this journey. We've had our ups and downs, but we both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before, back when we were "normal" in society's eyes.

We like the way things are now. We like the fact that we're head over heels for each other again. We like the fact that we genuinely miss each other when we're apart, even if it's just for a few hours. We like the fact that we can talk to each other about anything. We like the fact that we've found that harmony that I was so jealous of.

I don't care if society thinks we're not normal. I don't want to be like everyone else. In a time where many choose to walk away rather than work things out, I'm proud to be one of the minority. Our way of working things out might be a bit different than everyone else, but it worked for us. And for us, that makes it worth it in the end.


  1. Im happy to see this post. I was in a marriage that ended in divorce after 10 years. I thought we were normal and we were miserable. I wish I would have been part of this support group back then. It doesn't sound so bad not being "normal" as society puts it. Maybe society is jealous of what they don't have. Congrats to everyone who has found Domestic Harmony.

    1. Thanks Amyee. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage didn't work out.

      Society is so focused on the spanking aspect that they're missing out on seeing all the good that comes with it. I'll be the first to admit that it's not for everyone, but for some of us, it works.

  2. Your relationship is YOUR concern - not society's!!Enjoy your life and if others don't approve, it's their loss.

  3. Dana,
    You describe exactly the way it is here. You write very well. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I feel.

  4. Nicely put, Dana. It's easy to see why sensationist reporters latch on to DD: equality is very un-sexy; but spanking and male leadership are sexy, there can be no doubt about that. They produce feelings and sensations that conduce to closeness. It's all very politically incorrect. Americans particularly are in general afraid of all that, here in DD are a few folk who are not afraid of it. They like it. They don't conform. Non-conforming is a social sin, and "We" the Rita Skeeters of the world are holier than "thou" (even though we would dearly like to be unholy) so it needs exposing. Mostly jealousy, don't you think?

    1. Thanks Malcolm. I'm proud to be a non-conformist.

  5. Wow! Dana this is beautiful and such a great reflection on your relationship and the amazing changes that have occurred. I too am one of those deliriously happy, over the moon, head over heels "abused" wives and I wouldn't have it any other way. So happy for you!

    bg (P Surren)

  6. Hi Dana,

    This is such a great post and wonderful reflection of your relationship and the befits you have reaped through ttwd. We know it works for us, and that's what matters.


    1. Thanks Roz. I never could have imagined how much this would change us. I had hoped it would make things better, but I'm blown away by how much better things are these days.

  7. What I don't understand is why you have to have DD to make your marriage work. I honestly don't get it and I don't want to come off as disrespectful. My husband and I are very close and he truly is my best friend. We are going on thirty years this year. We have a great sex life and rarely argue. I guess I don't understand why it takes DD to allow some of you to have this. But then my husband is naturally dominant and I'm wondering if that is the key.

    1. Thanks for stopping by Anonymous.

      Could we make this work without DD? Maybe, but we'd tried for several years without too much success. Then we tried DD and it worked. It's still working a year later.

      I'll be the first to admit that it isn't for everyone. But for us (and I'm sure others that it works for will agree), we can't imagine going back.

  8. I am SOOOO with you. I wrote about it last week or so. I'm so much happier now, we both are. I can't go back to how life was before. I'll take the different lifestyle, I'll take the people that don't understand, I can't take back what we had before and be okay with it. I am so glad that you guys are so happy. Domestic Harmony... I like that. :)


We love to hear what you think, but please be polite.